On Valentine’s Day this year an atrocity will be coming to a theater near you. A movie so ridiculous in it’s portrayal of relationships I refuse to watch it.

50 Shades of Grey.

I know many of you have passed this book amongst yourselves. You’ve whispered about the sex scenes in salons. Maybe you’ve tried to reenact some of those scenes…

I get it. I haven’t read the book but people have told me about it: sculpted abs, sensual voice, dominant personality…

Christian Grey is to women what Scarlett Johansen is to men.

But Grey isn’t a new character…

Heath Cliff


 James Bond

Since the beginning of time women have had this version of a fantasy man, a super stud that will swoop in to save the day.  Every man should be strong, dominant, intelligent, and ruggedly hansom. And being incredibly rich doesn’t hurt either.

As women, you know the drill. You know what it is to have to stay fit, be the best at your job, keep your wardrobe up to date, and raise your kids. Oh by the way, you also have to find the energy to be a desirable, feminine object of desire to attract your super hero stud.  Here’s the thing, there’s a huge chasm between your super hero fantasy stud, and the men in your life that you attract and date.

If your super hero stud, (a la Christian Grey) showed up would you even be interested in him… Or is he better as a fantasy?

It’s wonderful to imagine yourself in a relationship with him, but the reality of meeting a man like that might send you running back OKCupid or Tinder.

Hollywood has given us the fantasy romance:

A fantasy where words are not necessary. Where the man across from you knows what you’re thinking and just how you want to be treated. He knows it before you did.  He knows your deepest, darkest secret wants and desires and he has the confidence and audacity to open them for you.

Just like Mickey Rourke in “9 ½ Weeks”.

Hollywood man knows you better than you know yourself.  This bring us to the reason why I have a problem with 50 Shades of Grey. It’s a fantasy, but unlike Game of Thrones or Once you want to forget it’s a fantasy.  Women are actually out there looking for their Christian Grey.  You’ve seen the merchandise. You’ve seen articles inspired by the book encouraging you to spice up your relationship.

Somewhere fantasy bled into reality and now every woman thinks she should be Anastasia. And you are wasting time and energy looking for your Grey. This type of thinking creates a culture of self-loathing because you’re searching for a fantasy.

It’s exactly like the “Princess” mythology so many of you have bought into. Why isn’t my life like that?  Why don’t I have a guy like that?  Where is my white picket fence and 2 kids? 

Self-loathing is the enemy of abundance. It’s the enemy of a life you are grateful for that fills you up every day.  Every day I hear from women like you that say:  “I’m not good enough to have the men I really want.”  “I’m not sexy enough to attract the men out of my league.”  “I’m not good at relationships.”

You have to stop that crap – right now.

You Deserve To Be Happy

Are you hearing me?

Listen up, Ladies…

There is no Mr. Grey. No man can know what you’re thinking at all times. You need to figure out how to attract the great men that are right in front of you in your life. I promise you all you have to do is open your eyes. Do you know how many swear, “There are no great men where I live.” Only to realize the love of their life was right in front of them the whole time?

The dominant, secretive, mind reading alpha male is sexy and intriguing on film, but he’s just a Twilight Fan-Fiction. You need to look at everyone as a potential partner. There are so many great beta guys out there. Single guys who are looking for the perfect mate, but they don’t know how to take charge. You’re going to have to let him know what you want. He wants to be your alpha man, your super hero stud.

So, get out there. Start a conversation with the cute but unassuming guy at the bookstore. Ask you friend’s boyfriend about the funny guy on his Facebook.  The right guy is out there, waiting for you to find him. His name is not Christian Grey.