There’s a great book by Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages.
You can actually go online and take the assessment and find out what your love language is.
It’s a very simple way of understanding who you are and what you desire in a relationship.
For those of you who truly want to get to know yourself even more, there’s also a great book called Attached, which teaches you your attachment style. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to go further and deeper in this thing called love.
Anyway, for those of you who have not been around for the last 15 years, here are five love languages:
- Act of service
- Physical touch
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
Why Knowing YOUR Love Language is Important
Now, there’s a reason there are FIVE. You wish that they’re all totally equal, but they’re really not, and every single one of them means different things.
I strongly suggest you go on the five love language site and figure out what your love language is, because you may be a little bit of everything. But, there may be one that really resonates with you more than the others.
And knowing that one is really important because, if you’re with somebody who doesn’t know how to fulfill and satisfy that love language, you’re going to have a relationship that’s extremely frustrating for you.
I was once with a woman who thought she was loving and affectionate.
She was probably the most unloving and unaffectionate woman I’ve ever been with in my entire life. She frustrated the hell out of me. No matter what I explained and how I explained it to her, how much I need and desire physical touch, no matter how nice I was about it, she would never give in.
Even after we read The 5 Love Languages together, she had an ah-ha moment, and said, “Oh my god, you needs words of affirmation and physical touch!”
Yet, she continued to not give me words of affirmation and physical touch.
That’s the problem when you date a narcissist. A narcissist is all about their self. And you know what? Maybe I’ll follow up with entirely different book called The 5 Non-Love Languages of the Narcissist.
But in reality, that narcissism was only part of the problem. Because in the end, our love languages were totally different. And that meant that, no matter who she was or how amazing she might be, she was not what I desired and deserved in love.
So, let’s really talk a little bit about the love languages and what they mean.
Love Language #1: Quality Time
If you think about it, the one thing we give and the one thing we never have enough of is time.
In 20 years of coaching, I have found that people who give their quality time tend have values in the right place.
They understand what time truly means. When they are present for you, and they give you that time, they’re telling you that they respect and honor your time.
It’s really important in a relationship to be present and give each other that quality time. It’s the way I am with my daughter. I don’t have that much time with her, but when I’m with her, I make sure I give her quality dad time (Gary Chappman also goes into the love languages of fathers and daughters, and mothers and sons, and mothers and daughters).
Love Language #2: Physical Touch
Spoiler alert: This is one of my love languages.
I love physical touch. It’s so easy. And it’s the simplest one to express. Sitting around with your lover on a couch touching and holding on another.
You give it no thought at all, passing each other in the living room, bumping into one another and just hugging, cuddling up in bed, holding hands when you walk, a kiss, a hug, a touch, it’s so refreshing.
Physical touch is for people who are really easy-going. They’re very straight-forward in their life. They don’t care because they know how beautiful it is to touch, and they’re consistent with it.
They don’t hold touch out, and they don’t ration it at all.
Love Language #3: Acts of Service
Acts of service don’t mean anything to me. It’s not one of my love languages at all.
But, acts of service are cool and they’re fun, and they’re really important to so many people.
I like to give acts of service. It’s really important for me to do wonderful things for somebody. I think to show up and make someone’s life easier, whether it’s taking out the garbage, emptying the dish washer, doing the dishes, picking up an errand for them on their way to the house, is a really great thing to do.
If your partner is an acts of service person, make sure that you’re always making life easier for them, and be consistent.
They love it and it makes them feel wonderful.
Love Language #4: Gifts
You know, I could care less about gifts.
I like to give gifts. It’s kind of fun to bring flowers, and candles, and body lotion over to somebody’s house. It’s a blast.
But, I’ll tell you something: gifts mean absolutely nothing to me.
At the same time, if you’re with someone who brings gifts, you need to know that little things are important to them. Showing up, when you go to their house, with a little gift, makes them feel loved. It really is that simple.
Love Language #5: Words of Affirmation
I’m a complete giver, and things like humility and “thank-you” are important to me as a giver.
Those are words of affirmation.
I’m all about really just telling somebody how I fell. The more I know some one feels, the better it feels to be a part of their life
It’s really great. I’m a giver, and I also love saying thank you. I love hearing those words and saying those words.
You’re amazing. You’re great. You’re fantastic. I love when you share that with me.
I get off on words of affirmation all day long. I call it the emotional recap on a 24/7 basis.
When I’m with somebody who is really fucking good like that, I feel really good.
And that’s what someone needs when their love language is words of affirmation. Show them, tell them how much they mean to you.
So those are the five love languages.
PS: If you want to know where you’re going (or have gone) wrong in your love life, take my free dating assessment: Are You Undatable or Unloveable? So you can stop making the same dating mistakes, or stop waisting time on a dead-end relationship.