he thinks you're needyHave you ever been with a guy and you know your neediness is coming out?

It’s a big turn off in dating –  being needy, don’t be needy at all.

A good friend of mine said it great one day.

Dating and relationships is all about finding a healthy co-dependency, because in reality, we’re all looking to be healthfully co-dependent with each other.

Have a healthy co-dependent relationship where we actually can communicate to one another, lean on one another, and have the friendship and the love that we both so desire from one another.

But we’re so caught up in the semantics of being needy, it’s a term that people use over and over again.  At a lot of my seminars, people always talk about not wanting to show their neediness.  In reality, we really need one another.

We live in a world that’s so disconnected now, we’re so afraid to reach out and be vulnerable.  So then when we finally need somebody, we don’t want to show that we’re actually needy individuals.  When in reality, we’re all needy, and we all need one another.  How do you make the needy a healthy need instead of an unhealthy need.

A woman recently that I was talking to has got an unhealthy neediness.  She needs validation and confirmation, she has trouble if she knows that she is not the girlfriend in the relationship.  The first stages of dating for her are very challenging.

She is troubled because she doesn’t know what the man is feeling, even though the man is telling her all that he’s feeling and he’s telling her how he wants to take things slow, and he’s telling her that he likes her but he can’t have a full blown relationship now.  Because of her general neediness comes out on a regular basis, she’s not comfortable with how he’s defined the relationship.

With her, her neediness is coming out, she wants to be his girlfriend, she doesn’t want to go through this.  She doesn’t want to deal with his ex-wife, she doesn’t want to deal with his crazy teenage son, she just wants to know that they’re boyfriend and girlfriend, this relationship’s going to go somewhere because she’s been down the road so many times with relationships that never went anywhere.  So her neediness is coming out.  Her need to be validated, to feel safe and secure.  The first thing you need to do is realize what your neediness is, or how you get triggered.  This is something I do when I work with people and I coach people to go through this, when I call them needy.

Because in the beginning of a relationship especially, you don’t want your neediness to show.  Eventually, it’s all going to come pouring out.  Eventually your co-dependent issues – everything’s going to come out, but it needs to come out gradually, so you can actually build the relationship between the two of you and not show the stuff that actually drives people away in the beginning.

Look, we’re all human and we all have our issues, we all have our vulnerability, we all have our stuff.  It doesn’t matter that the stuff is going to come out, it’s just a matter of when it comes out.  So you need to monitor yourself.

You need to know what triggered you.  If you’re feeling needy, you need to ask yourself why.  Why do you need validation?  Why do you feel needy now?  Try to trace it back to what I call the needy root so that way you can self-soothe because we’re adults now.  We need each other for the good things, we need each other for the bad things, but we don’t need to push one another away and that’s what a lot of us do.

So look deep.  Ask yourself why you’re being triggered.  And then work on it with a coach like myself or one of your friends so you’re able to take the relationship further with the man that you’re with.  It’s a big part of my coaching practice, and I actually go and actually work on people with this type of behavior because I actually believe as we age, as we get older, our neediness is hidden more.  Then when we finally do let go, get out of our little box of protected fears that we have around meeting somebody or having relationships, all the shit just comes pouring right out again.  So work on that stuff, understand it, and then that way, you’re able to have that great relationship.