My foods are definitely not loved by many people.
Whenever anybody stays at my house, they’re in for a treat the next morning.
You see, I don’t stock a lot of food.
When my daughter’s around, I definitely stock some really good crunchy stuff, the kind of stuff that you want to eat when you get nice and stoned.
It’s called raiding the little kids’ side of the refrigerator.
But when she’s not around, well, all that stuff is usually gone. So there’s no puffs, no gluten-free pretzels, no dried raspberries, none of that stuff.
All that’s left is my food. So my friends come and stay over, they might get a little stoned, they might hang out, and they get lucky because I’ll make them something to eat.
Or I’ll hand them one of my bars. My bars have no sugar, so they taste either like wet chalk on a really humid New York City summer day with a touch of vanilla flavoring.
Or a cloudy November day in California, where it’s been raining all night and the sand below you is nice and wet. Imagine taking a bite of that with just a little bit of caramel tasting to just make the sand go down even more.
Most of my food kind of makes you gag.
The bar is really hard to swallow.
The drink I make people in the morning is bordering on, well, dirt. Some people have even told me that tastes like actual shit.
My answer, then, is have you ever tasted shit? Have you eaten shit before? Do you even know what shit tastes like?
Because people all the time use “it tastes like shit,” and I start to think to myself do, they reach into the bowl in the morning and pull out their shit and taste it and go yep, that’s my shit, nobody else’s?
So what is in my shit tasting drink that I make every single morning?
A little bit of reds powder, a little bit of green powder, a little bit of slippery elm…
And the secret ingredient: my magic boner medicine.
You see, I’ve found the Fountain of Youth.
It’s called collagen protein.
Between that and the fucking bone broth that I eat all day long, clumps of that, it’s like a jelly. That tastes like mucus from a fucking cow.
I eat that, too, during the day.
I’m constantly filling myself with collagen or bone broth protein all day long, and let me tell you something.
I fucking feel amazing.
Add in the yellow powder. What is that yellow powder that I use? Turmeric. That is the turmeric that I’m pounding all day long, I’m killing any inflammation in me, but I’m also creating some crazy work outs.
I haven’t worked out or fucked like this since I was in my 20s.
When it comes down to fucking recently, holy shit. I can go all night long, like I’m 18.
I’ve got a boner that literally feels like, well, like the steel they fucking use to make bridges.
Viagra-free, as well.
It’s the God damn food that I serve everybody. No human being should be on this much bone broth protein ever.
All that collagen seems to be going down to my groin.
It’s all the food I have. It might taste disgusting, but when you leave my house, if you’re a male, you got a boner that can conquer the world.
If you’re a female, you’ve got orgasms that are going to go all night long because I’m pumping you with vitamins all day long.
You’re thirsty at my house in the middle of the afternoon? I make you a little bit of red drink. Maybe if you’re nice, I’ll freeze it, you know, and I put some green stuff in there, too, and a little bit of almond milk. All, of course, unsweetened.
I make you a plain slab of meat, like a primal fucking caveman and some little bit of vegetables with coconut oil because I’m filling you with fats all day long, MCT, XCT oil, coconut oil, so everything feels really good.
The food, maybe a little salt and pepper we’ll do on some meat. Doesn’t really taste like much, but then I’m also putting Chipotle mayonnaise on there with avocado oil or good fats.
Slowly, when you come to my house, you start getting into the food. In the beginning, it’s torture.
But after a few days, you start to really get into it. It’s fun because I’m like this mad fucking crazy chef in the kitchen. I make you dinner, I bring you bars in bed.
I make you weird tasting concoction drinks.
And then when you leave my house and you go back to your own house, your food, your old food doesn’t taste as good as it once did.
Doesn’t taste as good as thought it would. You go home, you have some pizza, and you feel awful.
My house, though?
Usually, the first few nights people come here, they can’t believe how gassy they got. It’s been a plague at the Wygant house.
My friend Greg comes and he just burps and farts.
A lot of people go the bathroom more than they’ve gone to the bathroom in months.
They don’t understand. They almost feel like a boxer who’s eating food.
They can’t believe it. They call their friends up and go, I don’t understand, go to his house. You fart, you have gas. He says the food is healthy, but you shit more than a normal human being should.
And then what happens?
He doesn’t do all that, he walks around like woo! This is fun. I’m eating my dirt.
You’re cramped over with pain.
One night, have a little bit of wine at his house, and he mixes with all the other weird food he’s making, and you don’t feel good the next day. It’s like the alcohol was poisoned all of a sudden.
He’ll get you stoned on fucking reefer.
But then it goes back to the munchies once again. It’s back to eating dirt and sand and chalk, and drinking weird things with clumps in it. What happened to M&Ms?
Oh yeah, that’s right, he’s anti-sugar. He doesn’t eat sugar and he tells everybody that he doesn’t eat it. People looking like he’s an alien, and they always go crazy.
No, never, and he’s proud of that.
People ask him all the time why he doesn’t drink.
He looks and says, I don’t drink. They wonder why.
And everybody always says to him, were you an alcoholic?
No, not an alcoholic at all. As a matter of fact, I chose not to do it. Do you want to know why?
Well first, I just don’t believe in the reason that I’m a health nut. But in reality?
I stopped doing this because I prefer the red drink, the green drink, and the beef and the yellow drink.
So, if you’ve got a question about health and fitness, just you know who to ask. Come to my house. I’ll feed you some dirt. I’ll feed you some collagen protein. I’ll make you drink cold red drink, and release the unwanted fat.
I’ll put a scoop of coconut oil when you’re not looking in your food to make it better, and then you’ll wonder how can you be full from a little cup of yogurt with mocca powder in it, which by the way, can give you some fucking killer stamina for sex as well.
Mix that with some unhealthy foods, and you’re in trouble.
You will leave feeling that “oh! So amazing.” Your taste buds will change.
It’s brain food.
It’s how I’m able to create these blogs.
Without all this stuff, I would not have any of these tools.
So, I’m done writing this blog. It’s over. I’m out. Shit. I lost steam. Time for more collagen protein.
Hope you enjoyed it.