What Cheating REALLY Means
April 1, 2009 
39 Comments
What do I think about cheaters . . . and cheating? People always ask me “David, how do you feel about cheaters?”
Well first we have to be clear about what kind of cheating (and cheater) we’re talking. If we are talking about people who cheat on tests, then I don’t feel anything about them because I was one of them.
I used to cheat on tests in college all the time because that was more of a challenge to me. Anyone can sit there, study and just memorize. To be good at cheating – to be able to walk into an exam with an extra bluebook filled with all the answers or to be able to use a copy machine to reduce a semester’s worth of notes onto a tiny page and put it where you can refer to it through the whole exam — now that’s a skill!
I can only imagine today how easy it would be to cheat nowadays with cell phones. You can text on the side of your desk. I can think of so many possibilities.
The kind of cheater I want to talk about in today’s blog, though, is not a cheater on tests. I want to talk about cheaters in relationships.
So how do I feel about cheaters in relationships? Let me tell you exactly how I feel.
First let me preface this by saying that I’m not exactly a “goodie two shoes.” I’m not saying I’ve been perfect my entire life or that I’ve never slipped up and found myself in someone bed who wasn’t my significant other. So before anyone and gets their panties in a knot thinking I’m about to preach about something I’ve never experienced, think again.
I can tell you something right now though. It took me a lifetime to find the person that I love. I honor her, I adore her, and I would never do anything to break the trust that we have. Then again, I’m also someone who has done a lot of work on himself so I knew exactly what I wanted in my partner.
For those of you who feel the need to cheat, I know you fall into a few different “categories” of why you feel you need to do this. I have friends who cheat on their wives, and they tell me they cheat because “it’s just what men do.” I also know people who rationalize cheating by saying “Men cheat, so I’m allowed to cheat.”
I know guys who have great sexual relationships with their significant other, but they still cheat because they just need a little extra “somethin’ somethin’” on the side. I also know people who are swingers who cheat together.
You know, I actually consider the swinger form of cheating to be pretty healthy. If you’re going to cheat, at least allow your partner to cheat too. You may as well cheat together.
So I’m actually all for the swinger lifestyle in that respect. It’s not the lifestyle for me, but I do think it’s a healthy lifestyle that works for certain people.
For people out there who are cheating and rationalizing it, however, you are the people for whom I have no respect.
I have no respect for people who cheat because they don’t have the balls to actually talk about their relationship with their partner.
I have no respect for people who cheat because they can’t admit that they might need to break off the relationship and be on their own again, and due to some weird co-dependency issue or “staying together for the kids” justification stay with their partner while they continue to cheat on them.
I have no respect for people who cheat and can’t admit that they made a mistake.
I have zero respect for any of these kind of people because they all are not being honest with their partners. You have got to be honest with your partner.
If it’s not working out, then you need to be honest about that. Cut your losses and move on instead of cheating.
Even if you have kids or even if you’re financially dependent on somebody, there are better ways to live your life. The kids always know when their parents are unhappy, so you’re not fooling them by staying together.
If you’re too cheap to get a divorce (which I know some people are) because some guys or some women have been the sole providers and you’re too cheap, then basically you’re living your life of hell.
In that situation, you’re basically more married to a bank account than to your partner. God forbid that your bank account should be cut in half! You’d rather just cheat on the side and be in a miserable marriage your whole life. You know what? That’s your own self-torture you’ve created for yourself.
Money can be remade, but you will never be able to make up all the time you lose being with someone you don’t love. Life is about finding love and not being miserable.
As far as I’m concerned, if you’re cheating for any of these reasons, you need to grow the hell up. You need to really look in the mirror and realize that this ride you’re on is not going to last forever.
Life is a one-shot deal. Granted, depending on what you believe, you could be reincarnated and come back as a dog, a cat, or another soul. You really don’t know what’s in store for you.
So if you are out there cheating because you’re not happy in your life, it’s time to look yourself in the mirror. It’s time to step up. It’s time to cut financial losses. It’s time to be honest with the kids.
Most of all, it’s time to be honest with yourself and go find true love. Let me tell you something. I have true love, and nothing feels better than it does. Nothing feels better than waking up every single morning with someone you think is the most amazing and incredible person you’ve ever met.
The rest of you are depriving yourself. If you still feel you need a bit of extra “somethin’ somethin’” then at least let your partner have it too. It’s only fair!
If you’re cheating, come clean. Let your partner cheat too. Maybe the two of you can actually develop a fun and different lifestyle for yourselves.
In today’s podcast, I go more in depth about the subject of cheating. No matter what you feel or think you know about cheating, this podcast is going to blow you away!
Click the play button below to listen:
You know something a friend told me once this: It is not the dating or marriage that makes the relationship it is what two people make of it…Now I also am no goodie two shoes either I cheated on my second ex husband…But I was young and dumb…Then I came to the conclusion if I am not going to be faithful with my boyfriend or husband then I should do the right thing and give him his freedom so they can find someone that wants to be with them…Kids like my dad said if you are staying married because of the kids it is not going to work….That is so true…Even though I have two wonderful girls they have nothing to do with my relationships with men…They were born of two different daddy’s. Playing the ring is going into forbidden territory and watch out if you run across someone who is jealous, obsessive, and possessive of the one who is wearing the other ring…
Great podcast and blog today David. You really hit home points that I have felt, but rarely articulated. Regarding cheating, my opinion is this: I have seen close relationships of friends and family alike, damaged badly by a lack of communication and honesty of desires, etc. I would never want to put anyone through that pain and anguish, and so I do what I would want my partner to do if she were going to cheat on me. I’d want my partner to be upfront and honest about her straying. Essentially, The Golden Rule i.e. “treating others as you want to be treated”, but to the Nth degree.
My question that I pose to David W. and the readers is this: As an objective 3rd party to the following, what do you think of the person who is the “something-something” on the side, as David mentions in his blog? Where does he or she fit into the picture? For instance, a man and a woman are in a relationship and the man cheats on his girlfriend with another woman, where the “other woman” knew full well that her love interest was in a relationship at the time.
I’m curious as to all of your thoughts, and look forward to the responses.
lol, I too have used a copy machine to reduce a semester’s worth of notes onto a tiny page. But my case wasn’t exactly cheating because we were allowed to have a page of notes on our desk. I just took it to the extreme
I’m curious about what Vic asked too.
As for me, I can confidentally say that I have never cheated. Nope, I got the experience of being the one who was cheated on that I need to take responsiblity for and not worry about how it damaged my perceptions of relationships to the point of never trying any relationship again for sixteen years. I can’t even think of doing that to someone else. But that’s just me.
If you are prone to cheat, or you are led to temptation, is that a sign that maybe things aren’t working out between the person you are cheating on?
Does fantasizing about someone else when you have sex, count as cheating (-:
I guess its more like 13 years since my last girlfriend for all of you guys out there who think one, two even four years is a long time, keep turning the pages on the calendar.
“Does fantasizing about someone else when you have sex, count as cheating (-:” = YES, imho. Means you are not enjoying the moment with them, but what do I know?
Marina
You know something been there done that but what makes me curious is when you see the person again that you just had the fantasy about.
You know something I did not cheat on my last husband physically but I did mentally and yes I know the guy that I was having the fantasy with…But watch and don’t say their name in the heat of passion.
Hmm, very good topic…I can go on and on for a long time since I think it really applies to me:-)
Look dude, you have been recently with another woman and you are obviously “in love” with her….It is VERY different after being married for 16 YEARS and two kids and a mortgage (no other debt). Let’s see if you get through the first year first! So please making blanket and ridiculous statements like “you are living a life of hell” or “self torture” blah blah are not warranted…Life is not black and white like the damn Evangelist/Republicans/Christian fanatics/rednecks make it out to be, please don’t fall on their level.
I have a lot more to say but trying to wrap up some work before taking off on a trip to “Communist” China with my wife and two kids. Despite the issues we have I must say we are still a close and neat family and, most importantly, we still have fun!
And yes, if I can ever get my wife into swinging, it would be even better:-) I am still working on it, I am very persistent:-)
And finally:
>>>>>If you still feel you need a bit of extra “somethin’ somethin’” then at least let your partner have it too.
Absolutely! No problemo aqui senior:-)
Gotta get some sleep. I wish I had more to “expand” on this VERY deep topic.
Dan, I’m just expressing my own experience. I don’t judge others, at all. I’ve said it before, I’m dramatic. Doesn’t mean I always mean it.
Good post David. I like your blog because its one of the few places that talks about developing one’s self to be in a loving relationship. Not just a PUA that’s out for one thing. A developed person knows whats good for the soul and cheating (i.e. hurting another person that you care about) is bad for the soul, the heart and life itself.
I haven’t ordered your products though because as a 47 yo woman I figured it doesn’t really apply to me. For the younger and/or male group although I enjoy your info. I didn’t realize you are near my age as well.
Not to hijack this blog but what do you think about guys my age that only want to date younger girls? My last date, who was 44 and quite interested, told me he thought I was 32 years old, when I told him my age after a couple of dates he lost interest. Perhaps you can advise on this in the future sometime as I am losing faith. Thanks.
Anyone saw the movie “The Reader”? Did you feel like that was TRUE love or the guy had some mental issues that he never recovered from?? I am beginning to doubt what TRUE love is….because, in my experience, it probably can not last for much longer after the initial furious passionate stage…then it becomes more of a “partnership” and mutual respect….whatever, I really gotta get some sleep now:-) talk amongst yourselves class:-)
Chris Rock (the comedian) once said in his act that “a man is only as faithful as his options.” The crowd reaction was a mix between uproarious laughter and cautionary “oohs.”
If you really think about it, he was right on several levels but for both sexes: for some people, they just can’t keep their focus on one person for much longer than a New York minute – like Attention Deficit Disorder for relationships/sex, whatever you want to tag it, where any insignificant thing can break the bond…short attention span theater.
For others, it’s a personal power issue where they only feel in control when they can command the attention of the opposite sex – usually one who would be disinterested.
If they are all about the chase, it’s like a dog chasing a car. They stop chasing the car when they “catch” it – like when they get the dance, date, sex, whatever – and poof – the game is over. Perhaps a bit of a thrill-seeker.
Then there are those who like to know that they can command another’s attention on-demand and not necessarily to acquire the object of their desire but to inflict “damage” of some sort on the person that their object was attached to.
I think that the podcast was right on the mark: If you are truly on an emotionally honest and intimate level with your partner, cheating is simply not a viable option for you and that’s without regard to either partner’s gender.
What would I think about someone who is the cheater’s “partner-in-crime?” You’d think that it’s a big-city thing, but I had a friend back in my tiny, rural hometown who did the “other woman” thing for a while. We had all been classmates and the two women did not get along for that very reason – no other. By the time that the man wanted to set her up in her own apartment in the next town with him having a key, she had recovered from her personal demons that let her even be vulnerable to that sort of thing and she walked away and told him no, period. She had zero concern for the wife but she believed that it was wrong in principle and had never cheated on any of her own partners! You never know what people have been through so past mistakes don’t make them damaged goods. But someone who makes cheating their lifestyle is probably pretty screwed up on many levels and you need to run in the other direction as soon as you get a whiff of this behavior. It’s an indication of other things that are very wrong in their heads and their lives and that they are a poor risk for your heart and soul.
I’ll admit, I helped this girl cheat on her boyfriend once. Didnt really care because I didn’t really know the guy. It was fun while it lasted but I would never do it again.
Thanks for this David. Great honesty as always.
I cheated in the past, when i was an insecure and naive kind of guy. Looking back on it now i feel it reflected the mentality that i possessed at the time. It was also about fitting in with friends, bragging about what we got up to behind our girlfriends’ backs. I learnt to my regret that actions have consequences and love and being in a relationship is not a game.
But it was one of life’s experiences; everyone funk’s up don’t they?
I
Hi David,
great podcast! After listening to it, I thought you should change the title. Because actually it is much more a podcast about HONESTY and not so much about CHEATING.
Years ago I had a couple of long distance relationships in parallel, girls that I would just meet for a few weeks per year, but we were always in contact via email and phone for the rest of the time.
I never thought of it as cheating, because I never promised anything. But at the same time I didn’t tell them the “full truth” either. In the end, a lot of suffering came out of it….
Nowadays, I wouldn’t do that again. It’s better to be alone and happy, instead of being unhappy in a relationship. All this dishonesty, hiding my true wishes and hopes, taking all kind of bullsh*** just to save a relationship that I am not happy with…. what a waste of time!!
If I stay with a woman but feel unhappy and unsatisfied and continue to look for “something else”, I am both wasting my time and her time.
Three cheers for you from Hamburg….
Dan,
Bullshit.
If you are cheating on your wife, you are just a liar, unless you have told her.
It’s simple, if you want to cheat you leave the person.
There are huge health reasons for not saying when you cheat to your partner. Aids is a nasty little one for sure. You are really playing with another persons physical well being if you cheat.
Cheating spurs so many other issues in a relationship. It is exactly how David puts it…about being honest and having an open line of communication. Cheating no matter how you look at it is a cop out and cowardly. A cheater turns to another person for attention, validation or whatever else is missing in the relationship rather than trying to deal with their partner and facing the issues at hand. Furthermore, once trust is broken, then it’s very difficult to gain it back for a relationship to work. So Hamburger you are so right that honesty IS more what this topic is about..
Hello DW,
Classic post as usual >>>>DanTheOriginal, u used to crack me up alot..I’m glad that ur still married to your wife and hope u didn’t get alittle somethin, somethin from that cute asian babe!! That was around early 2008!
As far as cheating is concerned, oh men…I don’t condone it at all. IF U MUST, MAKE SURE THAT U COVER ALL YOUR TRACKS and live with your guilt forever.
DanTheOriginal, wish u a safe trip to China.
I’m with Kimberly on this one. I just wonder what all the “cheaters” spouses/SOs would think if they knew they were being cheated on….
) HUGZ to you!
LOU! So good to see you!!
David, Well said…too many guys like (test driving everyone elses cars when they have their own) at home, till some one else test drives theirs…..then they get butt hurt, and have little use for it.
And coach Kimberly, very well said, an more
How do you know where the line is for flirting when you’re in a relationship?
My guess is that if you aren’t willing to act that way in front of your significant other, then doing so when they are not around is probably over the line. I have co-workers who are big flirts and they behave the same way when their “other half” is present – so everyone knows…no surprises.
Hey Lou what’s up, long time…Yeah, you remember well. I must admit I had a hot little affair with that young cute asian babe last year. I went for it, I had listened to David and lived for the moment and enjoyed every moment of it. We did things my wife would just not go there…not that she went all the way (I must admit I have some far out sexual “tendencies”) but it was such a refreshing moment in my life. But we ended it in three months or so after our trip to Davids city.I think we both realized that this is going too far and others would end up getting hurt. In fact, I think it made me realize how much I still really love my wife…Our sex life just needs a lot of work and damn it, it’s just that southern european blood in me, I still long for that young super body fine smelling pussy…Anyways, life goes on, it’s like a box of chocolates.
I must admit the first time we fucked, I sat back and realized “oh shit, I am now one of them cheaters”…did not last long, she was attacking me pronto again:-) Yes, still feel guilty but I don’t let it bother me, I live for the moment, lol. What happened happened and it was great fun and it sure was a learning experience for both of us (she was in the process of getting divorced then).
Coach Kimberly said:
>>>>>>>Cheating no matter how you look at it is a cop out and cowardly.
It all depends on how one looks at it. Again, blanket statement you make it is more indicative of society “morals” that we have grown up with for generations.
>>>>>>>>A cheater turns to another person for attention, validation or whatever else is missing in the relationship rather than trying to deal with their partner and facing the issues at hand.
Oh yeah dear Kim we have been trying and we are fine in all areas except sex:-) I can elaborate but I don’t have much time!
Marina:
>>>>>>>It’s simple, if you want to cheat you leave the person.
It’s not so simple, who says that we are to be monogamous? We are humans, humans like to fuck because it’s great fun. Fucking the same person for decades is not natural! It’s totally unrealistic to be with one person for so many years. If it was, prostitution would not be thriving since Eve was born:-) Ask Spitzer:-) That’s why my salvation is likely swinging:-) Damn it, there has to be a manual on “how to get your wife to swing together or, at least, let you swing alone”…maybe I should pull a Fox Moulder “I am a sex addict” number, lol.
>>>>>>>>>There are huge health reasons for not saying when you cheat to your partner.
Of course I would not ever do anything without protection, that would be criminal!
Anyway, I hit 40 almost 2 years ago and am now seeing life a little differently realizing I have half of my life (god willing) behind me. There was a famous song where I grew up that (translated) went something like: Make love because we are all going down anyway….anyway, in the native language, it rhymed:-)
Kismet,
If you feel you can’t share who you are with, what you are doing, then its a clear clue you crossed the line.
Marina,
oh no its about me, its just a general question i have from observing and listening to my friends and their relationships. Sometimes couples flirt with other people in front of eachother and one gets jealous. Sometimes one is just very flirty with alot of people and the partner knows but can’t do anything about it. So where is crossing the line? If one thinks they are not, but the partner thinks they are?
I personally think when your partner seems to enjoy himself more (than when he’s with you) when he’s flirting and with other girls, thats crossing the line? Or just insecurity? Idk.
Dan
I too was with the same person for 16 years. I know how much things change constantly, both good and bad. I am a real about life and told my husband one thing is cheating, but another thing is not telling me. If i ever found out he had done it and not told me i would never have forgiven him. I mist likely would have forgiven an affair. But the thought of me contracting a STD of the lethal kind is just plain playing with another persons life. Its just plain and simple wrong.
Oral sex can give you STD’s too !!!
I really wish I could get a copy of some of David’s podcasts (especially this one).
I would love to be able to put this one on my myspace page, so some of my friends can hear this.
James –
Why don’t you just tell your friends to sign up for David’s newsletter list. He emails all of his podcasts to the people on his list, plus you get access to all his other podcasts.
Or, just post the link for this blog on your myspace page and your friends can just click over and listen to it
Honestly, it would be more for my ex. Long story short, she cheated on me. And a previous boyfriend of hers. And it looks like she is going to do something similar to her current boyfriend.
But at the same time, I would like to be able to put the podcasts into my ipod, so I can listen to them while I am driving.
Cheating is interesting… b/c there’s also the idea of emotional cheating.
For Kismet, I feel that flirting is harmless as long as both partners know their boundaries. If it gets too sexual… if you seem to be misleading someone… then you might be cheating on your partner.
For me… I understood that flirting can be fun… and it can be a self-esteem boost because everyone enjoys a little bit of attention from the opposite sex.
I allowed my ex-g/f to flirt a bit. I even allowed her to go out with other guys… and to dance with other guys but she knew her boundaries.
One time, I was at a club with her and some guy started dancing and grinding on her when I took a break. I let her have fun…. but once it started getting too sexual… I stepped in, reminded her with eye contact that “that was enough” and she came right back to me.
For anyone wbo wants to have a glimpse at how swingers/open relationships can sometimes be emotional draining, go rent and watch “Fling”. It’s a great movie released last year… and it shows you the complications you can get from cheating… even when you tell each other.
DantheOriginal.
Just convert to Mormon or Islam and you will be spiritually fine. Didn’t know you were a disgruntled divorcee, makes your agressive sexual appetite easier to understand.
>>>>>>Just convert to Mormon or Islam and you will be spiritually fine.
Thanks for the advice but I happen to be an equal hater of ALL religionns:-)
>>>>>>Didn’t know you were a disgruntled divorcee…
Where did you get that idea?? I may be a divorcee one day and I think I may even be a happier person then:-)
>>>>>… makes your agressive sexual appetite easier to understand.
Yes. And I still think you need to get laid, get a therapist and get the fuck out of LA:-)
Cheers;-)
I was wondering when you would reply to that one.
I was jk, of course. Take a stance on spirituality you might find that you even like it. We are built with the internal device to make it work but you have to believe in it to benefit.
You are already a divorcee if you are starting to cheat. imho. Same thing in the mind, its just not legal yet. But what do I know. I don’t know enough about you.
I forgot something. David, in some cases, those people who cheat are not only lying to their partner, but also themselves.
As is the case of my ex, who thinks that it was the best thing for her to do, instead of trying and put the work into the relationship.
She even thinks that it was the best thing to do, as she emotionally cheated on me with the guy who is her current boyfriend.
Am taking bets on how long it will take for her to destroy this relationship, as I know she has lied to him, as well as is telling other guys that she is interested in sleeping with them. Any takers?
James Y – I’m probably betting on the same side as you: “there is no greater predictor of future behavior than past behavior.” She sounds amazingly consistent in her bad manners.
And just so that you don’t beat yourself up over it, let me just point out one more thing: Before someone tells you that you attract what you are, consider that deceptive people with hidden behaviors and agendas wear a false mask and are probably seeking out the most trusting of folks so that they can manipulate them and flex their negative skill set on one unsuspecting soul after another. It’s no fun to them if you can see through them and call their BS out on the carpet as you show them the door.
Start fresh and make sure that you note some of her negative indicators before you get out there so that you can spot them and brush them aside should they cross your path. Good Luck!
If you need to cheat, then you shouldn’t be in this relationship. Period. If you feel that the person you are with isn’t enough, then get out. Once you do this, the relationship is broken, even if she/he doesn’t know about the cheating. You have really moved on and you can’t get the honesty back into the relationship. It doesn’t help to admit it. You just end up hurting the other person. You do have to admit it to yourself, though.
Maybe you haven’t communicated your needs to your partner. Maybe your partner wouldn’t want to do certain things that you want to do in bed. Maybe, maybe, maybe…. You need to take responsibility for your part in this act because if you haven’t talked with your partner about your desires and have sought them elsewhere, well, how did you know that he/she wouldn’t go along with them???? If, of course, if your partner isn’t interested in your desires, why are you with this person anyhow? I mean, who wants to be with a person who doesn’t care enough to please you? You have a right to be with someone who wants to be with all of the parts of you. So if this is the case, the relationship isn’t going to ever work for you and you should find one that does work.
In any case, you have broken your trust with your partner.
You need to be honest with yourself first. Decide what you really want and decide if this relationship is something you want to salvage.
Sometimes, you have children that you want to protect. Sometimes there are financial considerations. You, and only you, can decide what is important to you.
That is the most important thing – self honesty. You have to know who YOU are. I tell people to make a list for themselves. You have to know what you want – what your strengths are – what your weaknesses are. When you do that, you attract what you really, truly desire. When you are very honest with yourself, cheating is out of the question. Only when you have lied to yourself will cheating occur.