5 Phone Rules In Dating
5 Phone Rules In Dating
By David Wygant
You know, it’s funny how differently people conduct their dating life from every other aspect of their life. Do you realize that if you conducted your dating life like your business life, that you would probably be a far more successful dater? Think about it – your follow-ups would be better, your memory would be better . . . and your manners would be better. Not only that, but how you come across to others would be better because you would not be so emotionally-driven and attached to every single outcome.
One of the most common dating situations in which people always seem to lose their “business skills” is deciding when to return the phone call after someone leaves them a message. A lot of people seem to feel it necessary to create some super-special strategy to decide when to return that phone message. This is the most ridiculous thing in the world!
So let’s go into it so we can settle this issue once and for all. In the area of dating, when do you call someone back after they have left you a phone message?
Here are 5 phone rules that everyone should following when dating:
1. Be Prompt When They’re Prompt. If you gave out your phone number and somebody calls you within 24 hours, then you should call them back within 24 hours. There should be none of this “waiting four or five days to call” business. When someone has called you within 24 hours, that’s called momentum. It’s called momentum for a reason, and so many people in dating lose that momentum very quickly by not promptly returning phone calls. Even if you’re busy, call the person back promptly to let them know that you’re busy and tell them you will connect with them in a few days when your schedule settles down. To wait four or five days to return a phone message, however, to me is simply rude. You would never do this in your business life, yet that is what so many people do in their dating life.
2. If They Waited, You May Also Wait. You’ve given your phone number to someone, and that person waits four or five days to call you. As far as I’m concerned, when that happens you are entitled to wait four or five days to return that person’s call. That person did not make you a priority, and they played games. Although the person decided to call you, what they were likely actually doing during those four or five days was debating whether they wanted to call you. This shows lack of interest. I know that when I get a woman’s phone number and I wait four or five days to call her, that I’m really not that interested in her and I really don’t care whether or not she calls me back.
3. It’s OK To Call Right Back. If someone calls you promptly after you’ve given them your phone number, then you should call them back within 24 hours – but it is even perfectly fine to call them back the same night they call you. It doesn’t look desperate. It looks like you actually have manners, that you’re someone who pays attention to detail, and that you’re someone who respects other people’s time. Think about this for a second. When someone calls you, they are taking time out of their day to talk to you. So it is not only “ok,” but really simple courtesy, to acknowledge this with a promptly returned phone call. This is something we do in business every day without ever thinking twice about it, but we don’t do this in our dating life because we conduct it with emotionally-based decisions.
4. You Can’t Manipulate Someone Into Liking You. So many people think there needs to be some “strategy” in making the decision when to return someone’s phone call. They’ll think things like “Oh, let me think when I should call them back. Should I wait four or five days so I’ll seem busy and not too available? If I call back today will I seem desperate?” It doesn’t work that way! This is simply a matter of courtesy and being a mature adult. If someone called me in my business and left me a message about wanting me to coach them, I will call them back as quickly as possible NOT because I’m desperate for business but because I respect the fact that the person took the time to contact me. Playing games and trying to make someone think certain things about you (like that you’re busy or not desperate) by waiting to return a phone call will NOT make someone more interested in you than they would otherwise be. All you will accomplish by doing this is to make the other person think you are rude and uninterested.
5. Being Busy Is No Excuse. So many of us are busy being busy. As busy people, we get how busy everyone’s life can be. Returning a phone call and leaving a voicemail message, though, takes only about 15 to 30 seconds. Returning a call to let the person know that you’re busy and will call them in a few days takes barely a minute. It’s better to return the call promptly and let them know you’re busy and will call them in a few days after things settle down (with work, kids, or whatever it might be), then to put the phone call off and to think about it. The longer you wait to call somebody back, the less likely it will be the person will still have the interest in you that they had in the first place.
These are all tips that you should follow in navigating the phone calls you receive from someone you’re newly dating. These tips are equally applicable to men and women, and the rules contained in them apply to both sexes. So remember to follow these rules, and when someone calls you – call them back!
Now we have that out of the way lets go to the videotape. Its time you learned how easy it is to create instant attraction and use the art of teasing.
My Friend David Deangelo calls it cocky funny, some of the other Gurus call it Negging. I call it what it really is without the funny names!
June 24th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Ah… two things about “the game”…
The best thing about these types of tips aren’t so you can use them on others… but to recognize that they are being used on you…
… and two… which builds on the first one.
If I know that someone is trying to “play a game”… that they are usually trying to hide or overcompensate for some type of “flaw” that they don’t want anyone to know about.
If being a BUSY and IN CONTROL person is attractive to the opposite sex… and having an exciting LIFE is attractive…
… then don’t ACT like you’re BUSY… and that you’re life is exciting…
… CONSTRUCT a real life thats exciting.
Why “act” when you can easily have the real thing?
June 24th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
David,
These are truly great phone tips.
The only thing I’d want to add besides what you said calling back in a timely fashion is… call back when it’s convenient for you so you can give people your full attention.
Unless you are extremely busy and you do a “check up” call to tell people that you aren’t ignoring them but you are just being caught up in things, I like it best when people call at a time when they can give me their 100% undivided attention. It’s just a respect thing. It also shows people that you value them… and that they are important to you. As such, this sets a precedence for them to treat you the same way.
On a different note, once you follow these calling rules, learn to wait as well. You don’t want to be needy. It’s OK to call someone right away because you want to use momentum. However, once you call, allow people the time to respond. Calling back 20 times in a row is just needy.
June 24th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Ok David, in response to your video i have a question for you. I understand your ice cream opener, but sometimes when I try to open up women in similar way, they just look at you with a really nervous/quezzy smile and sort of say ‘no thanks’ or something similar. Now of course, this could be because they are nervous, or have a boyfriend, but what advice do you give to guys who ever get in this situation? I mean, this does happen, and I do believe this is just one reason why men suffer fear from approaching women. For example, lets just say you approach a real bitch who is just not interested, or someone who does not keep the conversastion going with you. What the hell do you do in this situaton? The reason I say this is only because within your video you never really say what can go wrong which in turn could make many people think it is fool proof, which from experience I have learnt it is not.
Regards,
James
June 24th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
James,
If you startle a woman… or if you consistently get bad reactions, you should pay attention to the energy and vibe you project.
How are your non-verbals?
Are you approaching in a way that allow her to acknowledge your presence?
If she really isn’t receptive, you can always acknowledge the emotional distress you had on her with a quick apology… and continue your conversation as if nothing happened.
For example: “Oh.. I didn’t mean to [insert how you negatively affected her] –> “Oh… I didn’t mean to startle you but you really look so friendly. I really love that ice cream and I’ll fight you for it. [continue conversation or ask another question]
June 24th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
awesome tips! i have no problem with calling back or getting call back but more problem with talking on the phone, since i can’t see the person i just want to get to the point and hang up. i’m not a big fan of looooong phone conversation unless its someone i talk to on a regular basis.
June 24th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Playing stupid games is silly. Play fun ones instead. Call back in a respectable and timely manner and make it fun and exciting for her. Seems to be working for me :).
June 25th, 2008 at 2:54 am
It’s like Stephane from ideagasm always says: run it like a buisness. You would not take crap from an employer, so why would you take it from a date. You would fire his or her ass !!
June 25th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Sorry to change the blog subject but if another long time reader and fellow LI’er named Steven K. is still lurking out there and does not know it there is a STUTTERING CONFRENCE IN NYC JUNE 26TH-28TH.
PH. # 1 (800) WE STUTTER and e mail westutter.com
I HOPE U ATTEND ALL DAY EVERY DAY AND ARE THERE TO PRACTICE WHAT DAVID TEACHES YOU. THIS IS OF COURSE IF YOU ARE WILLING TO ACCEPT A YOUNG LADY WHO MAY NOT BE PERFECT AND MAY HAVE A SMALL PROBLEM.
What happened to your great posts here!!!
June 25th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
I love all the advice and find it very helpful. I need some advice on the call back topic. I met a guy about a year ago. Phone conversations were not the best (sense the he didn’t like talking on the phone). He became unavailable and I just got an email from him this week “I realize that it has been a while, how are you, hope that you are well”. I gave him my phone number - he called within 10 min and kept it very short. I asked if the number showing on my phone was a good number to reach him, he answered yes and I also checked if it would be ok to call him. I called him that night to say goodnight, and haven’t contacted him since and he has not called me - thoughts and suggestions on this would be GREATLY appreciated. Don’t want to appear needy, desparate etc.
Thanks
D
June 25th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
Thanks for the article… maybe guys will read this, too. I always felt that I enjoyed myself and I thought my date did, too that we should communicate that to one another. I often will call my date the very next day and let them know how excited and thrilled I was to meet them. Also, you are absolutely right… if you have to think about that person for more than I’d say 2 days, you are not that interested… much less 4 or 5 days. Your 1st impressions on a 1st date are very key. Thanks again for the article.
June 25th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Not for nothin, Donna, I’m a female & you sound a little needy to me…I’ve been there, so I know how it feels…If he doesn’t like talking on the phone, what’s his reason? Is he just a jerk? Do you talk too long? Too much? You mentioned in that one paragraph you called him…Did you really need to say “Goodnight”? I don’t want to insult you at all, I just don’t want you to be chewed up & spit out.
He sent you an e-mail…did he ask for your phone number? Give him what he gives you, like this topic says…he sent you an e-mail, send him one back…
That’s nice you called him to say “Goodnight”…When do you think you’ll hear from him again? Will you hear from him again? if a red flag went up in your head at all, back off….go w/ the gut, too…
I really liked the “momentum” aspect of this topic…that’s exactly what happened to me…the longer he waited to call me, the more I lost interest in him…I also didn’t appreciate it & was open to anyone nicer than a game player…so the longer they wait to call, being too cute & all, we’re out talking to someone else…NETWORK! BOTTOM LINE!
June 25th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
Hi Donna L,
Some men will not carry a longer conversation in the beginning of dating. There are are many reasons, one could be that some just don’t know what to say, and fear of coming across as awkward on the phone.
Too me you come across little bit needy for his attention, which you may not realize.
To make any relationship happen it has to be 50/50. if you try more than him to make it work….he will get all the power and not respect you for your time.
Take it slow and enjoy the ride:))
June 26th, 2008 at 4:44 am
Thank you for the advice - as difficult as it is to hear - I need to hear it and take the advice!! I am actually not a needy person and not what to appear as one!!
-D
June 26th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
About a year ago I listened to an audio set, and read a book, on learning (communicating) styles. I think they were by Dawna Markova…
I’ll butcher it a little here:
They talked about people having three styles, each associated with a different pattern of brainwaves, (I think alpha, beta, and gamma); only the order/pairs differs from person to person. The three styles were audio(verbal), visual(aesthetics & written communication), and Kinesthetic (touch and motion).
One will be primary for most interactions; one is very sensitive and is reserved for going deep within; the other is a bridge in the middle.
It’s possible that the telephone is more intimate for him than you…
Just a possibility…
June 30th, 2008 at 5:35 am
James,
Khiem’s questions about your signals, approach and timing are insightful. Not only are men afraid to approach women, but women generally have fundamental fear about being approached by men. Even - maybe especially! - confident, strong women. I say especially b/c we don’t attract protective attention from men in general.
So please don’t turn David’s examples and suggestions into scripts to try out. Scripts will bomb; focus more on what he says about being in the moment, on having fun, on being tuned in to the woman’s sensations.
If you haven’t gotten strong receptive signals from the woman, I disagree with Khiem’s tip to “continue your conversation as if nothing happened.” iSteamrolling ahead with your script comes off as ignoring her sensations, even if you apologize. This will pretty much ruin your chances of a raincheck on connecting.
Chances are, the woman you rate a “real bitch who is just not interested” is actually a nice person you’ve managed to A) approach abruptly at a bad time and B) give the impression that you’re fixated on carrying out your own program and she can perform like a trained seal or get “fired.”
When someone approaches me expecting me to immediately become part of his or her happy! scripted story, I don’t feel intrigued, I don’t see any offer of fun; I feel burdened. Most women =hate= being cornered into looking, acting, feeling like cold, cruel people. If you slow down a bit and notice how women are doing, you’ll win more points than any joke routine or teasing (esp. insulting, as other ‘gurus’ recommend) will ever score you.
Very few women take pleasure in cutting up worms just to see them squirm; even fewer want to squish men’s guts. Most of what seems like cruelty to you is expression of the woman’s fear. My regrets to those who’ve encountered the exceptions.
A few times, younger men have immediately responded to my stunned or annoyed reaction to their chat-up by stuttering and saying they don’t know how to talk to women and didn’t mean to be a jerk, or that they suddenly felt nervous and tripped over their tongues. It seemed authentic (please don’t go out setting THIS up as a script) and I laughed and made a few minutes to ask them what they were trying, encourage them a bit etc. It’s like what David suggests in “surrendering” in uncomfortable situations. If you take responsibility and don’t seem needy, women’s rescue instinct kicks in.
Older men seem to respond with insults, often thinly veiled as helpful advice involving the likelihood of me dying alone. Another common reaction is admonishment for “fear.” Maybe David could provide responses to _that_ that would defuse the situation and keep the woman from coming off as a b@ll buster. The other day - and here I’m providing a counter-example to my claim that women don’t cut up worms for fun - I responded to a steamroller’s suggestion I was “afraid” by saying yes, I was very afraid - afraid of being bored to death. He hit the roof. Turned out it was the owner of the posh little bar, so his reaction - which went on for 20 minutes and included vulgar insults and character defamation punishable under local law - was anything but boring to the regular patrons.
June 30th, 2008 at 10:21 am
Beth,
You gave really some good insights.
Just to clarify, I didn’t mean to say that you should continue as if nothing happened WITHOUT paying attention to how she responds emotionally.
If you re-read what I read, you DO have to acknowledge her emotions. What I meant with what I wrote is that you should not necessarily amplify the awkwardness.
Sometimes, guys approach, they make small mistakes, and they start apologizing over and over and over again for something very insignificant. That is just awful b/c they are bringing attention to and blowing up something small that wasn’t a big deal in the first place.
From the woman’s perspective, when the guy does that, it changes her perception of his initial “coolness” factor to… “ugh…(?)”
Sometimes, by “steamrolling” as you call it (but still paying attention to her emotional responses), you create the “it wasn’t that big of a deal” feeling and at times, it’s just better b/c the woman might just forget it ever happened in the first place, especially when she realizes that you ARE charming after all ;p
June 30th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Khiem -
I see the point you’re trying to make, didn’t have the impression you were saying not to look at a woman’s feelings at all, just that you WAY under-emphasized it. Your boys will pick up on whatever’s most quickly tangible - which won’t be quick references to reading the woman’s reaction and adjusting to her pacing.
I’m sure you personally would pick up on the cues and react accordingly, but most of your ‘disciples’ are not going to pick up on the importance of really REALLY seeing the woman as a person. They’re so focused on their own insecurities that it’s not immediately obvious to them how much they’ll benefit from being open to the idea that a woman might just not be able to switch gears into interacting w/ him when he approaches her with interests of his own in the foreground. At least amplifying the awkwardness is staying in his own discomfort. Developing smooth moves before self-soothing skills is the ultimate recipe for provoking the “ugh” factor. I’m sure you don’t mean it that way, but communication is what gets understood, not what one meant to say.
The focus of much of the advising here seems to be on the guys’ fear. We all know how that ends up. Most guys starting out trying to learn from you are NOT going to have the skills to simulataneously regain balance AND really truly be aware of the woman’s emotional response. Nobody can create a feeling that something wasn’t that big a deal. It is what it is. Better a guy learns self-regulation (like your neediness-awareness exercise) than rules for what to say or not say. The latter, as you know, is just cosmetic.
Guys who are nervous but gave it a shot will always get the time of day from me and from most women I know. Guys who do anything remotely resembling steamrolling get scorn and an increasingly distant view of the woman’s backside. I’m not proud of that, since these guys are probably the most insecure and wounded of all. But come on. We’re working our jobs and changing our own tires and often those of strangers and we’re picking up the check and and and, so it’s a bit much to expect we also fake patience for faked confidence of some really insecure guy’s desperate plea for attention and affirmation. Please. The frenetic way in which most guys are going to carry out your advice is just more than most women care to shoulder. Have the cojones to just admit awkwardness and dare to connect human to human.
Last night, one sweet young thing stammered quite a bit and kept trying to correct whatever he said, digging himself in ever deeper, but he’d LISTENED to me vent my frustration with one of his country’s soccer players, so he could do no wrong. Not giving him my name or number wasn’t rejection, it was _my_ insecurity. I’m in great shape and he seemed more mature than do many locals my age, but his boss spilled (in the local language) that he’s more than a decade my junior. As I was leaving, I told the boss that I was simply putting temptation behind me and to reassure the kid I found him absolutely adorable. His “faux pas” weren’t a factor at all. And I’m kicking myself for doing the right thing, b/c I’d *heart* hanging out with him and watching his country’s games from this tournament, doing some 20-20 hindsight armchair coaching.
See? Even if a guy thinks he’s screwed up, the woman might be regretting she didn’t exchange numbers. That kind of attention is something he’d never get had he steamrolled the interaction into the result he viewed as success.
June 30th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Can somebody help me out, here? I’m reading nice, valid points but: What is w/ all this stammering, stuttering, & apologizing over & over you’re speaking of? I didn’t see this in this article….Did I miss it? I must have, because I don’t have men coming up to me apologizing over & over & stammering…
I do agree w/ the insecurity comments here…Everyone has them…Absolutely everyone…What’s that saying? Ask out 10 girls & you’ll get at least 1 yes…something like that…
I talk to guy friends who will admit to me that they’re not the kind of guys to approach women in fear of rejection, nor do they have the mojo…They’re too scared to, so they resort to internet dating…I think this only makes public interaction even less…
We’re not mindreaders, but yet we read each other’s minds…we’ll say, “Oh he/she would never be interested in me” How do you know? We’re so busy reading minds, being insecure, we’re wasting the night away…I think as you get older, you’ve gotten so many battle scars, you’re tough enough to walk up to someone or at least be able to make conversation w/out looking like a scared rabbit…Women & men aren’t that far off in that aspect…instead of going home & saying-”I wish I had the backbone to talk to him/her”- Just do it…What’s the worst that could happen, you don’t end up w/ that person?
Anyway, thanks in advance for filling me in…From what I’m reading, these guys sound scared witless…it’s too bad…it doesn’t have to be that way