I was having a conversation with some people the other day, and we were talking about how the human race would eventually cease to exist if men were the ones who had babies. Here are eight reasons why:

1. There is not a chance in hell that I would be willing to pass a bowling ball through the tip of my dick. It just wouldn’t ever happen.

2. I hate carrying anything around for more than about ten minutes, so if you think I’m about to carry a baby to term then you’re crazy. That is, unless somehow pregnancy went from nine months to ten or fifteen minutes.

3. While I really admire women for sacrificing their bodies, I am not willing to make that kind of sacrifice. I get the runs for two or three days, and I feel that is enough of a sacrifice of my body. If my lower back hurts for a few days, I feel I’ve sacrificed my body enough.

4. Men don’t want to get up fourteen or fifteen times a night to pee. Once we lay down and we’re comfortable, then we’re good for the night. Not only that, but when men pee they have to shake their penis extra times when they’re finished to get all the pee out. So if a man is peeing fourteen times during the night and wasn’t taking time to shake, then his underwear would constantly be wet.

5. Men are just generally really selfish, so we really just wouldn’t want to do it. It’s just not in our nature to be rubbing our bellies 24/7. The only time we really like rubbing our bellies is if we’re satisfied after a nice burger and milkshake meal.

6. Men have attention deficit disorder. If you think about it, there’s instant replay with everything that we do — football, basketball, hockey and baseball and sex — and we always watch instant replay. So there’s a good chance that we would miss the entire pregnancy.

7. I just can’t see it ever happening. I mean, there is just no way that men need to be bonding with something that much.

8. Just think about what a kid would do to our man-boobs (or “moobs” as I call them). Our moobs would be shaped like bananas after a baby had sucked on them, so we’d really be in trouble.

The only thing as a man we could deal with without any problem are stretch marks. We wouldn’t care about those because they would be like scars to us. We like scars. We compare our scars to our friends’ scars. Not only that, but we’re so hairy that probably wouldn’t even notice stretch marks anyway.

There is one key thing that would happen if men were the ones who have babies. Because men are all about fixing things, we would try to invent way to have babies without having to give birth. We’d also figure out a way to bring the babies to term in a week.

So these are the reasons why men really can’t be the ones to have babies. The world would come to an end . . . literally.

I’ll tell you one thing, though. If men did have babies, we’d never miss a birth control pill ever. We would also never use the ‘pull out’ method of birth control, or any other method of birth control that was less than 100% effective.

As a man, we already are a baby and we don’t like to be in any type of pain. So we would do everything on our power to make sure we didn’t have to give birth to one.