man who is afraid of intimacyDating can be very frustrating.

You meet somebody on a dating app.

You meet somebody at a party.

You have a great phone conversation with them.

And then you play the game of intimacy cat and mouse.

They agree to a date.

Then they flake. They use one of these intimacy excuses. I’m going to tell you flat out that all of them are bullshit. The real reason why somebody flaked or why somebody doesn’t want to pursue something with you is not really what you think.

A lot of the times they’re just fearful people.

They live in the past. They’re terrified to let go, so they’d rather be busy being busy in their lives, and that leads us to the number one intimacy excuse.

Intimate excuse number one: Busy being busy.

To some people, being alone is their kryptonite.

They can’t handle it.

They can’t handle sitting alone in their own thoughts at night.

It drives them crazy, so they fill their life being busy with everything. You’ll see their pictures on Facebook.

They’re always out with their friends.

They’re always going or doing something.

It’s exhausting to lead that life, and they do so not because they want to do all these things, but because most of the time they’re really deep down afraid of being alone. Because alone means they’ll actually make the wrong decision. They’ll make another bad choice in the person that they date. So they fill their lives so they don’t have to be seen and they can continue to rely on their friends.

The problem is that eventually their friends will start bowing out. Their friends will start getting into relationships and then, eventually, they’ll have to make new friends or actually go out and date.

Intimacy excuse number two: A work project came up.

This is one of my favorite ones.

You ask them out on a Tuesday night.

The date is set for Thursday. And all of a sudden, in the span of 36 hours, this ridiculous work project came up.

Even after they told you on the phone the other night that they have plenty of time this week.

It’s the old Marsha Brady “something suddenly came up” excuse. Go ahead and Google that episode.

This excuse is bullshit. It’s another BS excuse because, again, what it is is their fear. They’re afraid to go and actually be with you. Why? Because usually when they come up with a work excuse they’re basically still thinking about all the reasons not to go out with you. You remind them of another person that they once dated.

They’re comparers. They’re living in the past. They don’t want to make another mistake. They don’t want to go out with somebody else that’s going to hurt them, or burn them, or ruin them.

They don’t want to go out with another user or douchebag, or whatever word you want to use. Instead of just committing and staying committed to the date, they may talk continuously about how busy work is. When — if you recall in the first conversation you had with them — work wasn’t that busy and they had ample time.

That is one of the biggest intimacy excuses out there.

Work keeps getting in the way.

Friends keep getting in the way.

You see a pattern here? The pattern here is that the person just doesn’t really want to get out of their own way. They want a relationship, but they’re all talk about a relationship.

They don’t even know what true intimacy is because they’re not willing to give up the safety net that they have created.

The safety net is something that they’ve been doing for years. Hanging with their friends, creating this safety net.

The longer someone is single, the safer they really are in their own thoughts.

Intimacy excuse number three: My fur baby needs to go to the vet.

My fur baby is sick.

A lot of men and women — but mostly women — get dogs to create the intimacy that’s been lacking in their lives.

I’ve had dogs. Dogs rock. Cats rock.

They’ll never reject you and they’ll never hurt you. They’ll always be there for you and it’s a lot easier to lay there, watch your favorite Showtime or HBO show and stroking your dog.

The problem is that a dog only gives back love in one way, all about the dog. Greeting you, making you feel good.

A dog is one of the best intimacy substitutes out there. That’s why so many people use it as an excuse. Why go out with a total stranger, somebody who might actually resonate with you, somebody who might actually connect you to the real world again? But as they get older, a lot of people start using the dog, the fur baby, as the best intimacy excuse.

My mother was amazing at this.

The last 20 years of her life, she used up every intimacy excuse imaginable. All men wanted sex from her, she was saying that even when she was in her 70s.

But in reality, she had a fur baby at home. And the fur baby allowed her to retreat. The next time someone comes across with intimacy excuses, you know the real meaning. Call them out on it.