play by play dating adviceWhat is up with the dating play-by-play?

It drives me nuts, and you know why?

It doesn’t help anyone. It doesn’t add to the conversation. It isn’t helping you in your relationship.

Let me tell you a story:

I went to visit my brother back in New York. I was scheduled to escape hours before the big blizzard was supposed to hit.  When I arrived at JFK, I saw the multitude of flights that had been canceled in red. There I was, checking in, about to escape ‘Snowmageddon’.

My brother teased me. He had a name for this kind of pandemonium. He call it Hollymania. Once upon a time, I was in love with a girl named Holly. Holly was also in love…

With her ex-boyfriend.  But that didn’t stop me from taking her to Jamaica.  It didn’t stop me from telling her I loved her under the moonlight. I spent countless days talking to my friends about Holly. I broke down every single conversation Holly and I had ever had. It must have been torture for my friends. Clearly – or my brother wouldn’t be making fun of me for it years later.

My friends, being good friends, stuck it out and gave advice and were supportive. How many of you were me?

How many of you have broken down everything you and your crush have said to one another?

Have you analyzed everything, wondering if it was going to impress this person?

Did you practice exactly how you would say something?

Did you wonder if you said this, but should’ve said that?

Maybe, you’ve listened to every voicemail message again and again, trying to break down why you weren’t working out as a couple. Why didn’t this person love you?

Why didn’t they see that you were their perfect match?

On paper this looks nutty, but in the moment it’s real. You need to know what’s wrong with you, fix it, and land this gem of a person.  Your friends, patient and kind as they may be, are probably tired of listening to the same thing over and over.  They’ve given their advice. You’ve applied it. You re-applied it.

You say, “I wanted to make sure that I’ve covered this from every angle.”

You’re doing the play by play because you want to hear that your crush is into you. You want to hear that they’ve changed their mind and now see you as you truly are.  It’s not your fault. There’s a lie that’s been perpetrated over and over throughout your entire life:

If you work hard enough, are sincere and kind, and make yourself pretty enough, there’s no person you can’t have. Over and over you’ve been told that anyone would be lucky to have you, you only need to make them see you. Think of every romantic comedy, every princess movie, every perfume commercial….

Back in real life you’re not going to know how someone else feels unless you ask. If you want to know the answer, you must go directly to the source. Ask the person how they’re feeling. Ask what they want. Step up to the plate and tell them how you feel. Don’t worry about what you did or what you didn’t do or how you said it or whatever else because those things are what makes you, you.

You are your mistakes. Your flaws make you unique. When you bend over backwards trying to impress your crush what you’re really trying to do is remove the parts of you that this person isn’t attracted to. You’re re trying to be the person your crush wants to fall in love. Imagine if you succeeded. Your crush wouldn’t be in love with you, they’d be in love with the person you created.

You’re only cheating yourself out of the relationship you deserve. Let yourself be open, present, real. Don’t be afraid of the answer. You didn’t do anything wrong. There’s nothing that a play by play is going to be able to change. You are who you are. If you are comfortable and open and raw and vulnerable and you speak from your heart, you don’t need a play by play because you don’t care.

You’re living your true life. You don’t care what somebody is thinking or what you could’ve done or should’ve done. You realized that you were being authentic and real, and someone is going to love you for who you are. Someone is going to love you for who you are.  There are 7 billion people on the planet. Don’t get caught up over one person.

This is how you get real. This is how you become more powerful. This is how you take charge and find Mr. Right.