A client of mine was going through a break-up, and we talked the other day.
She’s been with the guy for two years.
He turned on her (literally).
And yet, he just disconnected very quickly over a period of three weeks.
She was confused, full of anxiety, and very upset.
He ended up breaking up with her… but not in the classic sense.
He just stopped calling her.
Stopped making plans with her.
And basically stopped showing up.
They’ve been together consistently for two years.
They talked a future together.
Then all of a sudden, it was over.
She kept going through it with me over and over again, spending the majority of the call trying to find out what he did. And I kept telling her, I don’t know what he did because I don’t know him personally.
She was desperate for closure.
I asked, “Why do you need closure?”
Think about that outside of the box.
She said, “So that I can move forward, I’ll feel better, I’ll know what happened.”
And I said, “You’re going to get their perspective of what happened. But anybody who just ups and leaves the relationship without explaining why isn’t really somebody worth being with in the first place.”
What are you looking for? Their answer? Their reason why?
They might not even know their reason why.
They might be running.
Who knows? They may not even know.
People do crazy things when they’re triggered.
You know, it’s as I just said: this guy wasn’t what this woman thought he was.
I’ve been studying human behavior my whole life, I’ve been coaching for almost 20 years, and I’ve got to tell you something:
Closure comes from within.
There’s a phrase I use over and over again: keeping your side of the street clean.
Do you take responsibility for whatever you think you might have participated in that might have caused the separation? Well that’s all the closure you need.
You don’t need them because you don’t even know what they’re thinking. Once again, they might not even know what they’re thinking. They might have gotten spooked. Things might have gotten too serious for them.
You might have done something or said something that might have triggered them and brought up old fears that they haven’t worked through yet.
No matter what they said, they might be projecting things onto you.
You don’t know, so you don’t need closure.
When I have a relationship end, I talk it out. I go through it, I evaluate, I think about what I could have done differently.
I learn from whatever mistakes I may have made or whatever red flags I may not have seen.
I process it, because I don’t want that type of person to come back into my life ever again.
I thank the universe for delivering me somebody who brought me such great lessons, valuable lessons that I needed to learn.
I think about whether I really loved them, or if I just loved how I felt around them.
And that’s the big thing…
We’re so love starved in today’s society that when we meet somebody who gives us just a little bit of attention, we can escalate it into a full blown love relationship.
But if you look at the person standing in front of you, instead of asking yourself for closure, you’ll start to realize that the person they presented themselves as was actually not somebody you really wanted to be with in the first place.
Their baggage was a little too heavy for you to carry onto the airplane.
Their fears and insecurities were a little too much for you to handle.
Their life, the way they conduct it, was a little, well, not who you are. It doesn’t matter what it is.
There’s lessons to be had. Close it up yourself.
Conversation that you think you need, you really don’t need.
If a relationship ends and they ask, I like to give them the closure that they desire. But, there are still just some people that aren’t as great as you thought they were. They’re not going to give you the truth anyway because, once again, they don’t know their truth.
Only you know your truth and only you can keep your side of the street clean.
I’m really good at helping people with closure. I’m really good at coaching people through closure to allow them to see the person for who they really were instead of the person you thought they were.
Because you’re seeing what you want to see, and you’re not seeing who they really are. I think they’re truly showing themselves, but you’re just missing it or ignoring because you like the way you feel around them, and you like the way that they make you feel at times.
We are so love starved, and sometimes we just pick wrong people.
To me, a relationship only becomes real when you have the first big mishap.
A good friend of mine said to me, when I asked him how he knew he was going to marry his wife:
“We had a misunderstanding, a big one, about 4 months in.
My shit collided against her shit.”
He said the way she handled it, the way she talked to him, she didn’t reprimand him or bust his balls. The way she communicated, who she was, how she felt, how his actions affected her without wronging me, made him realize that he was finally with a woman that I could be with and I said how did you handle yourself with her.
And he looked at me and said,
“David, I did what you always told me to do. I kept my side of the street clean. I owned up what I could’ve done better.
I owned up to how I handled myself when my shit collided with hers.
And thanks to your coaching, thanks to your help as a friend, I was able to be forthright and honest with her. We didn’t blame and insult one another, make judgements about one another, and I knew that would be the woman I wanted to be with.”
They got married a year later, and they have two kids now.
That’s what happens. Don’t give up on relationships from the first signs of shit hitting the fan.
You’re either with somebody who can handle it, or you’re not. So really that’s all the closure you need. If someone bails at the first sign of things going wrong, then there’s your closure.
If someone ups and vanishes after two years, then you have to look at the relationship and realize that they were never fully vested or committed in the first place.
Closure comes from within, not from them.
And if you need help with that, if you’re struggling to get what you think you need as closer, then I strongly suggest you apply for a session of coaching with me.
Give me an hour on the phone with you and I will show you exactly who you were dating, not who you thought you were dating, and I will show you how to get closure from within yourself.