You go out with boys one night.

You have a few too many.

You’re loose.

Your mind is slightly lubricated.

And you think to yourself, hmm, how can I get my little mind lubricated, because my big mind is certainly lubricated…

You look through your phone book, and you find a woman or girl that you’ve been hanging with. Maybe it’s somebody you haven’t hung with in a while.

Maybe it’s somebody that you once slept with and you wish that she didn’t get away.

Or maybe it’s somebody you’re sleeping with right now, or trying to sleep with.

Whoever it is, you send them drunk texts.

You tell her, hey, can I come by for a little bit? I had a few drinks, wink or smiley face.

Or maybe we should go grab some dinner tomorrow night or something.

She gets the text. It’s usually past the hours of when texts should be coming in. She’s usually asleep, or maybe she’s out with her friends.

I’m talking about the post-11:00pm texts.

Do you want to know what she really thinks?

Well, unless she’s into you, this is what she really thinks.

She thinks, what the hell, why do I want a foul-smelling, drunk man coming over to my house right now and have sex with me?

I’m not drunk.

I’m here, hanging out, watching a movie, relaxing, or sound asleep.

But I want to let an inebriated man, who smells like whiskey or beer, to get on top of me and give me jackrabbit sex.

Yeah that’s what she’s craving. Jackrabbit sex.

Because that’s what you’ll most likely do to her when you’re drunk.

Because you’re thinking about the lubrication you’re going to feel, and you’re really thinking about getting off.

You’re not going over to her house and literally making her feel great, this isn’t about her needs, wants and desires.

It’s about your drunken needs, wants, and desires.

But, she goes even further in her mind.

She thinks, even if you can get it hard, it’s going to be lousy sex, because in reality, nobody’s ever had great, drunk sex. There’s a reason why they call it whiskey dick for a reason.

But yet, well, you felt the need to send her the text.

Because you thought, well, that this would turn her on, because you were turned on.

God, the dumb things men do!

The better text would have been…

Hey, been thinking about you tonight.

We really need to get together. Let’s have dinner, catch up, have a great conversation.

And that’s the text that you should be sending her.

And then you go home, you take your whiskey-lubricated dick and you jerk it off yourself.

Because if you truly, really want to have great sex, or you even know what great sex is, you’re not going to send that inebriated text so you can get yourself off, and leave her breathing in the fumes of alcohol all night long, as you slowly pass out next to her in bed, breathing whiskey in and out of your mouth.

Somebody ought to educate you guys, because that’s truly what she is thinking.

I know, sometimes the truth really, really hurts. But you know what?

There’s no reason at all that you need to go and be inebriated and have sex. Unless you’re hanging out with her and she’s your girlfriend and she likes the fact that you like to breathe whiskey fumes all over her while you pump and grind and jackhammer-style, drunken, over top of her body…

Those are her thoughts, man, what she really thinks about your sloppy drunk texts.