Do You Future Think On A Date?

April 7, 2011 9 Comments Men Dating Tips, Uncategorized

There you are. You are walking down the aisle.

You can not believe that you have made it this far.

The date that you have planned for tonight? Well, it’s worked out. Oh yes, you know everything about it! It doesn’t matter that it’s presently 2011–it doesn’t matter at all. You can see the future. Years down the road, you’re able to look into the future and know exactly how that date’s going to go tonight.

Aren’t you relaxed now? Isn’t it amazing knowing that THIS is the person you’re going to marry in a couple of years? Can’t you now just relax on this date and not obsess so much about it? The date you’re on is in 2011. But in your head, it’s 2017. 2011 has merely called back to you six years later to tell you how well the date you’re going to have tonight worked out.

What am I talking about here? Future people! Future men and future women, that’s what I’m talking about it. You’re the person who’s such a nervous wreck about a future date that you spend your entire time leading up to that date obsessing about what to do! You even talk to friends: “What should I talk about? What do you think I should tell my date about me, hm? What do you think I should talk about on this date?” Once you’ve set the date, you think about how many times you need to text him or her until the first date to keep their interest level up. You strategize about the date ahead of time. You wonder when to kiss ahead of time. You think about the right moment to hold her hand ahead of time.

You think about when to flip your hair to show him you’re interested. You think about interesting topics to talk about ahead of time.

That’s not a date, that’s just worrying! You’re making it so hard on yourself. Here’s the deal: you set the date, you confirm the date the day before, and then you meet them at the place you confirmed. You don’t think about what signs to look for or what to say. You don’t plot out a whole conversation. You don’t think about when the perfect time to kiss is. You stay present in the moment. That’s what you do. You have a conversation as you would any conversation with any other person that you’ve met.

You need to stop worrying about what this person is going to be in the future, because when you worry about the future, there is not going to be any future. There will be no future at all. So many people, all the time, worry so much about what to say on a date. When you go out with your friends, do you plot out an entire outline of things to talk about, or do you just stay present and have a good time? The most powerful thing about a date is that the person you’re with can really get to know who you are. They can get to know your interests, what you’re about, have a conversation, see if you two really connect.

The absolute worst thing you can do on a date is water yourself down. Just be yourself, talk, and listen. And of course, on a date don’t talk about how wounded you have been from past relationships. Keep it positive, talk about the good times. Stop obsessing about whether or not she thinks (or he thinks) it’s a date or if you’re going out as friends.

It’s a date if you set it up that way. If your intentions are clear, if you’re not hiding a secret agenda, it’s a date whether you’re taking them out for dinner, for coffee, for a drink, for a walk in the park—as long as you set it up as a date. Stop obsessing about what to do.

Don’t try to get to know the “future him” or the “future her” or “future both-of-us-together”. Play it cool and really just get to know her. And to the women right now reading this, get to know him.


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David says

2011-04-10 23:14:05

I'm not a future person, but I have dated a person who was. It really didn't sink into my brain that they were until I asked them to go steady.... They made it into a whole ordeal like I asked them to marry me and the preacher was already standing there holding the rings.
Collin says

2011-04-08 13:24:40

I think we, as men, need a bit more skepticism on our dates. Obviously we can swing too far in the wrong direction, but am I REALLY enjoying myself around her? Do I REALLY want to see her again, or am I just trying to satisfy my male ego by being able to say that I'm desirable to women?
Patrick James says

2011-04-08 09:55:47

@Collin LOL, yeah probably you'll have better odds at a flying Delorean than it actually getting up to 88 :P Good point on topic though Collin, a lot of guys tend to do it, but we don't realize it. But I think it also has to do with all the elements of the "typical" guy, which then equates to the "Putting Her on a Pedestal" thing. The way I see it, if we're trying to picture our future with her, then we've made her the center of our universe.
Collin says

2011-04-08 00:53:41

Oh come on Patrick. Like a Delorean could actually get up to 88 mph! Hahaha Honestly, I think it's harder for guys to see themselves doing this than girls, since it tends to manifest itself with us under the guise of getting laid or getting the second date. Really, what's the difference between trying to make sure that person likes you enough to make sure you two get married and trying to make sure that person likes you enough to go on a second date? Either way you're trying to impress somebody instead of just enjoying yourself and having fun, and either way you're going to drive the good ones away.
Carlos Dominguez says

2011-04-07 19:42:59

Great blog once again David! I was wondering could you write a blog about those days as men we go cold!
Joe A says

2011-04-07 17:42:13

So fuckin true. I used to worry a lot about that bs, when to kiss, hold hands, whenever. I think being patient has taught me a lot. Just staying cool, fun, waiting to see what develops. The last girl I was with, I didn't kiss her until the 3rd date, haha and it was at the end of the date. But it was great and I don't remember worrying about it too much because we were have so much fun the 1st 2 dates just talking and flirting and whatever. I think being patient and not worrying works wonders
Kyle says

2011-04-07 13:09:53

Definitely could've used this blog post a year ago or so...used to over-analyze EVERYTHING in the dating world. Much better at just being at ease and going with the flow, or as David said, living in the present...'cause that's what it's all about.
Josh says

2011-04-07 11:42:31

In short hand form: 1. Stick to your plans. 2. Make it a FUN time for both of you. 3. Get out of the "love" section of your brain and into the "you" side ;). Be you. You are a prize, you are worthwhile, show that.
Patrick James says

2011-04-07 13:44:47

it's just so funny how a lot of us get so caught up in worrying about the future. If that's the case, might as well hop in a Delorean, drive 88 mph and see what happens. All the worrying really does just adds a lot of unnecessary pressure and I've learned that just living the moment and speaking the moment have stirred up the best interactions I've had with women, as opposed to thinking about the future. And like Doc Brown says, the Future is anything you make it to be... well for that to even happen, you have to be in the Present.