Every day someone will send me an email asking this question:
When is the right time to have sex and how do I know if I am doing it at the right time?
I am going to answer this in a way that you may not expect. The right time to have sex is when you feel that it is right.
No one in the field of dating should ever tell you when to have sex. There are several people in my industry who give advice to females that is totally manipulative and wrong.
There is one author, a newbie, or what I would call a ‘Wanna-Be Expert’ with no credentials that actually tells women that they should not have sex until they are dating a man for six months! That is ridiculous and manipulative.
Anyone who gives advice that is manipulative should find a new line of work. Here’s why . . .
Say you wait six months to have sex with a man or woman, and develop a great friendship and fall in love. Sounds great right?
But what if you have sex and find out that they you have no sexual chemistry with that person. You just don’t move well together and you find out that you have different ways of liking sex.
Look, you may have foreplay for six months but still until your bodies move together you will never know what the sex is like. People can tell you all day long that they love sex but until you get them naked and in the bedroom you will never know the truth!
If you want to have sex with someone than go for it. If you sleep with someone on the first date, just make sure that the two of you are mature about it and can talk about other things besides how much you want to bone each other.
There are no statistics that will back up the idea that waiting for sex will lead to a long lasting relationship. I know plenty of couples that have been together for years that had sex on the first date.
It is all about knowing with what you feel comfortable. Sex is a very important part of a relationship and the chemistry has to be there in order to sustain the relationship.
So, there are no rules when it comes to sex. Enjoy it and let it happen naturally.
One last thing:
Stop buying manipulative books that teach you ways to manipulated people into a relationship or bed! There are no shortcuts to dating.
If you want to date and meet great people you need to learn the art of conversation and listening. There is no magic pill.
I teach the art of conversation and listening, the only two things you need to meet all the men and women you desire to date! If you use manipulative techniques, you will be exposed!!!
If you are curious on who this author is above email me, I do not bash people in this blog but will share her website when you email me.
P.P.S.: Don’t let one more day go by in which you are meeting all the WRONG women. Click Here to invest in your future and start attracting quality women TODAY.
curious about the author you’ve mentioned. would you email me the website please?
thanks
I love this blog. Being a woman that probably sounds off, but I so agree. If you are attracted to someone, how in the world could you wait 6 months? I am sorry, but that sounds like an eternity to me. “Until your bodies move together you will never know what the sex is like.” That is the KEY and best sentence in this blog. If you have been fortunate enough to meet someone you are hot for and they feel the same way—explain to me HOW you could wait?! I don’t think there is an explanation for that. If you and the other person are adults as David said, there should be no problem, even if it is for that one time and you never see them again! The world needs to be more accepting of this concept. Why should this be such a BIG overexamined controversy with people? You both want it–Go for it and give it your all!
I completely agree with everything you said here. Hooray!
My only caveat is that there are many many many men out there who feel that they are in a position to judge a woman based on when she feels like having sex – even if she is having/has had sex with him, who also made the same choice! I’m not saying it changes how women should make their decisions, but it does throw up some hurdles that must be dealt with down the road, and it can take away from the afterglow of “hey I had great sex! Fun!”
Also, I suspect I know which woman author you’re referring to, but I’d love to have confirmation as well, out of sheer curiosity. It seems like the main “qualification” women advisors have to set out a shingle for other women is that they’ve been proposed to (“got the ring”, so to speak). I’ve been proposed to twice (I said no both times, long story) so, I should be DOUBLY qualified, y/y??? Except, no, that’s crazy.
I completely agree- I cannot fathom of waiting for six months to sleep with someone. And like you said- why put yourself through the pain of losing someone you really care about if there is no sexual chemistry? I went through years of trying to “make it work” with someone who was great on paper, but with whom I had zero chemistry. We wasted a lot of time together.
My personal rule of thumb is to wait a month for sex, simply because I don’t want to rush into anything. It varies for people, but at this point I’m looking for a relationship, not to rack up numbers. Plus, there’s something to be said for a bit of anticipation (on both sides)…
I agree with you David!
I actually did a video episode on this very topic and discussed it with a guest (who offered the male perspective).
As a female, if I’m feeling it, then I’M FEELING IT. I don’t agree with recommending specific timeframes that we have to wait for sex (whether it’s the first date or 10th).
The chemistry is going to be different for each couple.
I have a female friend who waited until marriage to have sex, and boy, they are having issues in the ‘intimacy department’. She regrets not finding out before getting married. As they say, ‘test the water, before jumping in’.
Vanae
I agree that there should definitely be no time limit on anything. Let things happen when they happen. All the rules and time limits put on dating is what has made it chaotic for most single people who like David said, are trying to manipulate each other and it all eventually comes out anyway. I have had one night stands and I don’t regret them but I know that it is very difficult for a relationship to result from a one night stand. Even if the sex is like fireworks, you just don’t know enough about that person to know if you guys will fundamentally have anything in common. I usually wait a few weeks to a month so that I have a good idea of who the person is. I also agree with Cyn above. I’m no longer just trying to rack up numbers and sleeping with someone too quickly will do just that. You have to use common sense, be mature, know yourself and your partner as best you can, then move forward.
I will say that these types of blogs don’t really help though. I mean I don’t think David gave any specific advise. Although you shouldn’t wait, it would have been nice to hear what key things you should know or discuss before jumping in bed together. I would say if your looking for a relationship, you need to know some key things about your partner before having sex with them.
Lysh,
David doesn’t cover the entire world of dating any one blog
As someone who has been reading his blogs for YEARS now, may I suggest that you do a search for that particular topic you wanted to hear more about in this blog — I would bet you he has covered it in a blog somewhere!
Thanks Josh. I understand that one person cannot cover all the nuances of dating in one blog and I did not expect that. However, it would have been nice to hear more sound advice. If you say your blog is about “The Best Time to Have Sex” give some sound information in relation to that topic. I really don’t look to any blog to solve my specific issues. I’m 31 years old and have lived and learned enough that I think I make great rational dating decisions. I just haven’t found the lid that fits my pot just right yet
In my experience I think its best to say wait until there has been a full exclusive commitment made by both parties. Sex too early is dangerous and will destroy any chance of having a successful relationship.
I’m glad to get a man’s perspective about this. After taking a few years break from dating to find myself after a few bad stints with men, I met a great guy online at the end of September. We communicated online and over the phone for another month or so, then went on our first date on Nov 2. We’ve dating (in person) for about one month now and had sex for the first time this past Saturday. He even spent the night and we cuddled and talked. Although it felt right to me because we seem to be growing closer that old fashioned, you should wait 3 months, etc. etc. voice started popping into my thoughts. I didn’t let him know that I panicked a little after our first intimate encounter but was planning on talking to him about it. But, after reading David’s blog I realized that if the guy is still calling, we are spending the next few weekends together including an office Christmas party, and New Years Eve I should probably just let things continue to flow as they have and let my doubts dwindle. I think that we were both mature enough to handle sex as long as it doesn’t become just about that, and I don’t think it is. But, anyway, thanks for the blog and keep em coming. You always make me feel better about dating.
Carmen-
I’m glad to hear things are working out for you- I know that first time in a relationship means so much more than just sex. You’re really putting yourself out there. It is scary- you’ve gotten past the anxiety of the first few dates, and then its all back again in the form of sex. It’s good you’ve found someone you can trust.
Great topic as so many women grapple with this! Lysh–you brought up a really interesting point. You mentioned that you wanted to know “what key things you should know or discuss before jumping in bed together. I would say if your looking for a relationship, you need to know some key things about your partner before having sex with them.” Before that even, you need to know what you want before making a decision about sex. Not everyone is looking for a relationship before having sex. Some want just a sexual experience, to have fun, etc. So discussions before sex is going to be different for someone who wants a casual sexual experience vs. a committed relationship. This in itself could be a whole other blog! No matter if it’s sex, dating or a relationship the key is always to know what you want…not what the guy wants from you!:)
Carmen,
I am glad that you have met someone who seems to take sex just as seriously as you do. Its difficult to meet people sometimes who don’t have some ulterior motives. But, I would also encourage you to talk about sex with him. You don’t have to tell him that you “panicked” about it but make it clear to him that you want more than just sex. I am sure he does too especially since he is spending New years with you. Thats a big day for many people because superstitions say that the person you spend New Years with is the person that you spend the year with. I’m not saying thats how he feels, but remember men can be just as vulnerable to love and affection as women, they just have a different way of showing it. Good luck and enjoy your time together.
What do you guys think of a sex buddy. We used to live together, but are living apart now — we are still sexually active with one another and no one else. We both agree that we have the sexual chemistry, and enjoy each others company. Do you feel this is wrong. I have stated that I will not share. When he decides to get another woman, I will no longer be his sex buddy.
Sundown: Just my opinion, obviously, but no, it’s not wrong if you;re both consenting adults and are being straight with each other as to the situation (i.e., no one is still harboring secret feelings, etc.) That said, it will definitely slow or stall the process of moving on to meet someone new, so if/when one of you feels ready to see what’s out there again, that would be the time to break it off.
Thanks for the comment Kelly — I agree
Sundown: It all depends on what you want. If this is what you want, it is fine. If it isn’t, it isn’t. Make it about what you want, not what anybody else wants. Or thinks.
Intresting-
I’m learning a lot from you guys… Very eye openning.