I want to share a personal story with all of you today. You know that I rarely talk about my personal life on the blog – it’s not really that I don’t want to share it with 10,000 people every day – it’s just that personal life is personal!
I just don’t like to put my personal life out there. I’ve never been a kiss-and-tell kind of guy.
But I want to talk today about not caring. So many of you care too much and I’m getting WAY too many emails about how much you care about this one person who blew you off.
I’ve written about this several times, but for some reason or another, I just feel the urge to write about it again. I find that many of you put all of your eggs in one basket and you just care TOO MUCH.
About 2 months ago I went out with a new woman I had met. I’d say that the first hour of the date was mediocre at best. It just wasn’t really that much fun. But the second hour of the date was much more interesting and I actually became quite intrigued by her as the second hour progressed.
So at the end of the date, I did my usual “walk away” – it’s rare that I’ll kiss someone I still don’t really know. I like to build the desire up a bit – those of you that have heard my Mastery Series and have read the blogs know that walking away is something that I do to create more desire and passion – not only in her, but in myself as well.
I sent her a great email the next day and told her what a pleasant surprise the date turned out to be. Email was how we had been corresponding back and forth. I told her that I had had no expectations, but I had ended up really enjoying the evening. And then I wrote something else very cute: “hope you have a great weekend, enjoy the ice cream that you were talking about,” because she was really obsessed with this ice cream she was going to have.
She never responded.
I was sitting in my office with my assistant and some other people, and they asked me, “wow, man, aren’t you bummed?” I responded, “no, not at all.” I don’t care. Why should I care?
I went out, spent two hours with someone, we had a nice night and got to know each other a little bit, and I guess that the chemistry just wasn’t there for her. That’s fine! It didn’t ruin my day or bum me out.
I didn’t email all of my friends obsessing about it, asking what I did wrong or lamenting about why she didn’t email me back. I didn’t overanalyze every second of the date, thinking that I shouldn’t have said this, or that I should have said that. I just let it go.
This is what I think so many of you out there have never learned. Let it go! Why are you obsessing about someone who doesn’t want to obsess about you? Would you ever go out with someone that obsessed about you? It’s not healthy!
You need to learn to let things go and not care. It’s really not that important. If you go out with somebody and you just don’t connect – it’s fine! Even if you think you connect and nothing happens – it’s fine! If the other person doesn’t feel the same way that you do – it’s okay!
You can always send another email or call them again in a few days in one last-ditch effort. Maybe they just needed to think about it. Who knows?
But you should never obsess about it. Every time you obsess about something, every time you over think something, every time you overanalyze something – every time you drive your friends crazy about something – there are more opportunities that you’ve missed to stay present, meet and connect with other people.
So stop caring so much, and start moving forward! The minute you begin to move forward, your life will become much easier to manage than you’ve ever imagined!
Todays video is all about how to have fun while meeting the opposite sex.
Stop being so uptight loosen up and enjoy!!!
I completely agree with you David but the problem is that it’s difficult and takes time to learn how to move on and don’t care. I think the key to learn how to do this is by meeting people everyday so at the end of the day it would like, “well, after all there are plenty of fish in the tank”.
I’m actually trying to change that aspect of my life. Learning how to move on and meet other people to forget about the one things didn’t work out with.
thanxs for sharing your personal experiences with your readers.
Great advice. Caring too much is like giving too much too soon. Emotionally energy that isn’t warranted.
Your absolutely right! I’ve been there and know I’ve spent to much friggin time ,obsessing or some chick that probably thinks the complete opposite of me or there was simply nothing there. Men need to remove themselves a bit emotionally and realize that by placing all their eggs in one basket ,they are likely to suffer the burning results.
Word! The ironic thing is that whenever I stop caring is when I get the best results.
Oh and btw… I want the dunce hat from the video!!
Taras
I left that in seattle……..it was great
Lexi
As always great feedback
thanks
Kyle
Great that you learned the lesson
Caring that much over someone you just met that is not interested? I find it a waste of time!
Jade
Very well put!!!
What do you think Dr Anne would say:)
Ha I’m sure she will disagree with you and give you a list of citations in APA format.
What are you guys talking about? If I like a person enough to go on a date, I have to care!!!! .
..but not that much ;p ;p ;p
To me, it’s really all about giving more attention when it’s deserved. The more I find the person interesting, the more effort or emotional investment I’ll give to find out more about that person. It’s about reciprocity. I give some, you give some, and hopefully I give more and you give more.
It’s easy enough with someone you’ve seen once. Harder once you’ve been out three or four times and decided you like them….
I have a question for you guys. Before Ike hit I met a guy I would like to see and he has asked me out. I thought I was having serious allergy problems from all the stuff the hurricane kicked up but it turns out I have asthma. It is not under control yet as I have just been diagnosed. Should I put him off until it is? I don’t know how long that will take.
taking about caring too much or not enough?
A friend of mine told me this is an interesting book where the author mention something about how women shouldn’t care too much. It is called: “Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl-A Woman’s Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship”
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Dreamgirl/dp/1580627560
Odd deal here…
I’ve been dating this girl and seems like I’m the only one that ever makes plans with her. I’ve taken the advice above and I’M MOVIN’ ON! It works both ways and I’m over callin’ her.
Jen,
Unless your asthma affects the way you communicate, you should not let it prevent you from going out with him. Read David’s blog entry yesterday about the excuses we make for ourselves. Just let the man know of your situation and I am sure he would understand your situation.
Daniel
Right now it gets pretty bad. I have to hit my rescue inhaler several times a day because I can’t complete a sentence without taking several breaths. But I think you’re right. Unless he’s a complete jerk he should understand. I’ll ask him to wait a couple of weeks. Thanks for the input.
By going through the experience of putting “all your eggs in one basket,” whether with women or something else, I believe you can learn to tone those emotions (needy emotions, if im not mistaken) down and stop feeding into them.
They really are simply an illusion of your mind that doesn’t recognize the true abundance of the world. Easier said than done though. A lesson to be learned more every day.
Jen-
I’ve had health problems and I think I know where you’re coming from. You want to gain an understanding of how this is going to affect your life prior to getting involved with someone else, you afraid that he might not be accepting of your asthma, or that it just might affect your own state of mind and make you a downer to be with. These are all things I went through myself. I pulled away from dating while going through my health problems initially until I realized it was a mistake. As soon as I started going out again I regretted not doing it sooner. It’s not something to hide or be ashamed of, but don’t wear it on your sleeve either. After all you’re not Jen the asthmatic, you’re Jen the “whatever makes you tick”. What is a mountain today isn’t even a bump in the long run.
If you like the dude, make a move. If your asthma is debilitating then maybe make a move and move slowly, but don’t let your asthma be an excuse for not acting. Just read yesterdays blog about excuses.
If someone isn’t cool enough to handle you and your asthma you don’t want them in your life anyways.
This is a response to the video btw. Ok David I have something I want to share with you. Basically me and my mates always play the having fun game when were out and yes, you can (and we often do) meet women because of it. But the main thing you fail to raise is WHAT type of women you meet. I have found through painstainking observation that most, if not all really hot women, tend to go out with ‘cool’ i.e dress trendy, good looking guys, who simply act cool. No two ways about it. You never see these guys making fools out of themselfs. So to all the people out there I would like to add my own message. If you want to meet WOMEN, then sure, this video is true and will help you….but if you want to meet HOT, STUNNING, WOW WOMEN which David never really talks about then forget it…..they will just view you as a monkey and not take you seriously. If you dont believe me just open your eyes on the street and you will see it.
If you want him to wait a couple of weeks, make sure you let him know it is because of medical reasons. He will likely wait for you and want to actually help you. However, you may not want him to wait too long.
Better if you get David’s input, but since you mentioned that he asked you out before Ike hit, he was already interested in you before this situation. Don’t let the asthma situation get the best of you. Go out on a date with him and get to know him better and see if you two are genuinely interested in each other.
Michael
You are 100% wrong!!
You should see the women that I date and i do it by not changing a single thing that I did in that video!!!
Thats the problem is that you think way too much and think that women who are what you think are hot will only date a certain type of attitude.
You only look at the mask…which is the outside.
Stop thinking and start trusting.
I have been doing this for 20 years and it works!!!
So point taken but you are wrong.
I would be miserable and no fun on a date right now so he will have to wait. How can he get to know me if I can’t even speak?
This is going to have a huge impact on my life. I have been training for a half marathon in January. Before Ike I was doing 7 mile training runs. Now I can’t run half a mile. Hopefully I can get this under control SOON. I am NOT missing my race. I have worked way too hard to give up now.
Michael,
Re-evaluate your definition of having fun. Having fun doesn’t mean to ONLY make fools of yourselves. There’s a difference between being a monkey and having fun. Hot women do not date monkeys.
In a royal court, the princess does not date the fool.
If you aren’t attracting hot women, your idea of having fun is to hide behind a mask of self-deprecating humor to mask your very own insecurities.
To attract hot women, you have to have fun… but be masculine and dominant at the same time. The masculine/dominant side is the idea of being able to accept your true inner self and display it without shame.
It’s coming from a place of self-love and self-respect. If you are having fun by being monkeys at the detriment of your own self-respect, that’s not “having fun”. That’s just tooling yourself.
Women see past that.
Wow David! Why didn’t i found out before about this blog? This post would have helped me a lot 2 years ago. I learned my lesson the hard way.
I dated a guy, didn’t work out and spend the next 6 months wondering why it didn’t work. Eventually I got over it and realized that he was the one missing the opportunity.
Now I have a friend that is getting obssed over an ex. I’m definitely going to send her this post!
“Have a great weekend, enjoy the icecream that you were talking about.”
Hmmmmmm….
David, in my opinion, I think the phrase ‘Have a good weekend’ scared her away, that’s what went to my mind the moment I read that line. Maybe you should have said “I would love to take you out again this weekend if it’s possible. Or during weekdays next week would work for me too.” I think it’s either that line scared her away, or she never felt the same chemistry at all.
But true, we should all learn how to let it go. It’s easy to say though, but very hard to apply especially when you really fell in love much more if your relationship was a long one, or shall we say more than 3months. This is indeed a good reminder for short term dates.
Thanks a lot David. I’m glad you exist.
I’ve never really been bothered about losing women after the first or second date etc… I guess i just realise that its not the woman i’m obsessed about, more the idea of the woman and the possibilities i had tied to us working out. Once you distinguish between the two, its much easier to move on. Being in a full blown relationship on the other hand is a totally different story. Letting go of love is something i struggle to deal with and has wasted too many prime years of my life. Nevertheless, solider on.
On the issue raised by Michael, yes it can be a difficult to strike a balance between goofy jester/masculine alpha male/sensitive caring man. Sometimes it all seems to difficult to pull the pieces all together and then maintain it whilst you have a woman’s attention. I guess the way i see things is if you’re happy with yourself and your own life, really content in who you are and what you’re about, then the abovementioned qualities tend to project outwards of their own accord. It’s eaiser to do. When you’re conflicted inside and insecure/unhappy/resentful, then the positive qualities all appear like some complex mathematical equasion, impossible to understand. So i guess the message is, work on yourself from the inside out and the rest will take care of itself.
I try not to obsess either. But sometimes a long streak of those meetings that had promise but went nowhere as per Dave W’s description does make me wonder. What to do? Can’t really deconstruct the dates because the feedback seemed positive.
Right on, this is a great blog.. Even after you’ve been in a relationship with someone for a while, the power should still be yours. The moment you give someone else power over your life or emotions, is when it all starts going downhill.
And just a thought… if you only focus on attracting just one specific type of super hot girl, you’re decreasing the pool you have to chose from.. be open as well to the ones that aren’t the hottest things at first glance, but are still pretty cute and seem fun to be around.
I want to relate to what David was saying:
“But you should never obsess about it. Every time you obsess about something, every time you over think something, every time you overanalyze something – every time you drive your friends crazy about something – there are more opportunities that you’ve missed to stay present, meet and connect with other people”.
I agree with you David 100%, and I want to add another thing:
I think that we analyze our situation because we think the by analysis we will be able to understand it better, and by that progress.
But I really think that NOT ONLY that analysis does not solve any situation. It ALSO makes the problem worst.
Analyzing is like trying to get out from a quicksand or like putting out fire with gasoline.
The more you think the worst your condition becomes.
literally (not verbal) move forward.
Meaning, don’t even say that you don’t care about the girl (because it is exectly like saying that you do care).
Because anything that you say (bad or good) still means that you are thinking about the girl (words doesn’t mean much “I care”, “I dont’ care” – the reaility is that you do care if you are still thinking about the event).
Reva
As you know you can re think as much as you want!
But there really is no way to ever know how someone will respond till you get to know them inside and out!
Have a great weekend!
See there I go again:)
I definitely drive my friends crazy w/ obsessing and replaying everything over trying to analyze it all. The thing is– how do you detach and not care when you really do care? How do you make yourself not care or not get attached?
Yeah yeah true. I totally agree. We just never know how people would respond. This may be out of the topic, but i just think that men can be unpredictable too, not just women, don’t you think? I believe there’s a percentage. lol.
PS= Can’t wait for your next blog entry. I’m now a huge fan.
XT!NE
ENTX!
XTEN!
NEXT!
Look guys if you want HOT women, its real simple…think, act and dress like James Bond. Period. If you want WOMEN, then follow Davids advice and you will meet them constantly. But let me tell you this, I have asked tons of women if the whole ‘James Bond’ thing appeals to them, and you know what is really funny, is that when they give you their answer, its like there ashamed to admit he does because they know they should really shouldn’t like him because he is a know womaniser…..and I think this says it perfectly as to how what women SAY they want in a man and what they SUBCONSIOUSLY want in a man are two completly different things. Think about it. And again, you may say…’oh yeah, but James Bond just stands in a bar and looks cool, that never works with me..’ but this is where your wrong…you cant just take the image of Bond, you have to think like him…because whenever you see Bond approach women in a bar he does it with such confidence, style, charm (without acting goofy – hence my earlier point) this will usually be enough. Honestly, watch a few Bonds and you will see. Like Bond, you need to be action man, show women you are a man who doesnt care who is not afraid of anything….if you can do this approach more than the whole ‘monkey humour’ then you will have far greater success in meeting more beautiful women….trust me. Just be cool in every sense of the word……because its very easy to make one too many silly jokes in front of a women (and iv done this myself) and they will then not take you seriously at all…..and that is really the main problem with this approach. If you look at a guy most hot women are with you will find that they all have some main Bond quality in them…and rarely is it the monkey humour.
Michael,
I think you are correct that women (almost all women) are attracted to confident men (and the James Bond character is a good example of a man who approaches women with total confidence).
I would take issue with how you extrapolate that concept from there though … I would never be attracted to a man who “acted” confident or tried to act like someone else who is confident in the same way i would be attracted to any man who was authentically confident and acted like HIMSELF.
Women don’t want men who put on a “pretend” persona or go around faking confidence. Women are attracted to men of all different personalities (funny, goofy, serious, sultry etc) as long as he is being himself and does so confidently.
So your comment about “monkey humor” I think is not necissarily true. For example, I am very attracted to guys who are funny — and if a guy is authentically so (and not trying to fake being so), then that can be very attractive to me.
Becoming attractive is all about becoming totally comfortable with who you truly are and then going out and meeting people totally confident about who you are … You will absolutely attract women all the time if you do this.
Michael
What are you talking about?
Walk like James Bond Yes.
Stand at a bar looking cool maybe.
I have no idea who you are and what you are like in real life but I think I have a very distinct advantage here,
I am the one who gets all levels of communication and you are just looking at becoming a character.
How old are you?
My guess is 24 or 25.
You sound like a really young guy who is just starting to experiment with meeting women and as a young guy who is trying to find themselves in the world.
Your advice has many holes in it.
Yes watch Bond movies and if you ever listened to my mens mastery series I actually tell guys to watch Bond movies.
But that is only part of the equation and you need to be able to combine humor and self confidence.
And you really did not read my last comments………If you did you would not come back with the same if you want to date women.
What type of women do you date?
And what type of women do you think I date?
Lets answer some of these questions so we can have an intelligent conversation instead of just rambling on about being James Bond.
Looking forward to this.
Michael, you are totally wrong. Guys, LISTEN! if you listen to david’s advice, you can get any woman you want whether they’re super hot or not-so-hot. Some people tend to think that if a woman is hot or good looking, then she would normally choose a hot guy: someone who’s sexy, deadly gorgeous, i.e. a model-type. WRONG! 100% WRONG! And then when they see the gorgeous girl with some regular looking guy? they’d be like “omg she actually has an ugly boyfriend” or “why on earth did she pick him?he doesn’t even look that good”.
You don’t necessarily have to be hot in order to get a hot woman. You just gotta show respect, look clean (or i.e. hygiene-conscious), relax, and just be yourself. That’s it.
We should note that James Bond is a FICTIONAL character. It’s good to have confidence like James Bond, but he is still a FICTIONAL character. His life is scripted by screenwriters. David’s life is written by himself, because he teaches men about being confident and authentic in themselves and not being this fictional character. Many of the men here on these blog comments, including myself, can attest to David attracting “hot” women, because we have seen him practice what he preaches.
I am James Bond when others call my cell phone and my ring is the James Bond theme…..if I know who it is and I am in a public place, I actually answer it “Bond….James Bond” and wink at the lady near me….always gets a kick out of them:-)
Khiem,
I totally agree with you on the way you see it! That’s exactly it as I see it. Then if there is equal giving, you are both rolling forward in a relationship.
David,
how are you doin? i really obsess these blogs
James Bond??
don’t miss the Next bond movie “Quantum OF Solace”
David,
I think you know a lot of good stuff. But I also think you SHOULD know that emailing:
“Enjoy the ice cream that you were talking about…”
Is pathetically GAY. haha
Why? Well, I KNEW it was instinctively when I read it. Cause I’m a natural.
Let me see if I can figure out on the fly, why that’s so sad.
I think it sounds like something a chick would say.
I know you can justify it all you want, but it came off weak.
OK…I got it! It’s really a PRIME example of GIVING AWAY YOUR POWER!
How ironic…you dedicated an ENTIRE blog posting to NOT giving away your power without realizing you GAVE it away before the fact. All the machinations you went through afterwards would have been unnecessary had you not given away your power in the email…
Whooooooooooo!!!
Great post. That mentality usually only follows when you realize how much abundance there is. When you think this is your only shot at something good you cling to it tightly, if you have options it’s easy to let go.