Stop Approval Seeking By David Wygant
You know, not everybody in this world is that strong. Everybody is not the same, but there is one group of people out there that drive everyone else up the wall: the approval seekers.
You approval seekers always want something from everybody. You tend to be looking to everybody else for approval and validation. Every job you do, everything you do – you always want validation from others. You always seek validation. This is needy behavior.
Men do it, women do it, children do it, dogs do it – that’s what a dog is! A dog is needy. Cats don’t do it, but that’s because they are just obnoxious. But dogs do.
But the key thing here is that you really need to be able to validate YOURSELF. You need to start working on yourself and making yourself happy. You need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and say, “wow, I made myself really happy today! I did a great job.”
Khiem, you had something to say about that and it was really interesting. When someone gets really needy and they’re seeking other people’s approval, you had them do a specific exercise. What was that exercise?
Khiem: If you are a needy person, you should sit alone for ten minutes and see if you can hold it. Do not read, do not fidget, do not move, do not talk, do not check your email, do not do anything. See how long you can stay like this and be calm.
If you can’t hold that for ten minutes, then you should practice this exercise every day!
In truth, people who are needy are always looking for the external stimuli that will make them feel better. In the end, external stimuli will never make you feel better because it’s changing all the time! The only constant is you.
David: I think Tony has something to say. Once again, Tony is the words behind the website, that is ALMOST finished, right, Tony?
Tony: I think one of the most important things is to always examine whatever are your deep or underlying intentions for doing something. I think many times we do things that we tell ourselves we are doing for a certain reason – we want a job, we want to help somebody, we want to do something positive – but underlying is some kind of validation or approval-seeking.
We’re unaware of it, and the moment we can become aware of it, whether it’s at work, or in a relationship – then you can stop for a second and this is where Khiem’s exercise really comes in. You can just stop, and say, “would I do this apart from the validation, apart from getting approval from that person?”
If you can’t say yes to these questions, then you need to stop what you are doing and continue to examine everything. You can systematically weed out much of your neediness and approval seeking over time.
When you cut that out, you naturally start to validate yourself and you become more confident. It’s like a leak in a ship – when you put the plugs in the holes, you are able to fill yourself up.
David: That was actually quite well said! I told you that Tony is good with words. The site would not be the same without Tony. So once again, thank Tony for the words on the site, and the words of wisdom here. Those were good!
Todays video is part 3 of How to become a natural with women and lose all the routines and pickup lines.
I also go over all of this in depth in my mens mastery series which is now almost 12 hours…we just added a few new parts that are not on the website but you will get them as a bonus when you order.
Click here for that.
A needy person, is NEVER, capital N a turn on! David great advice!
Wow this is very timely, I only just identified some of the ways I am very needy. I especially need to practice those self-validation exercises. Thank you David.
A friend (from when I lived in LA!) sent me one of your articles. I wrote back… I think I KNOW that guy!
So, before I go on any farther…..
SHS ‘80?
If so, it’s a small world….
If not….. seems like you’re doing something that you love…. Rock on!
very wise and practical.I will practice,too.thanks
great blog! i myself fall into validation seeking mode often times, and its good to keep reminding myself that true validation comes from within!
David- I enjoy reading your blog. It’s not like all the other blog out there with bunch guys with weird names and immature guys who really don’t understand what it takes to attract women.
Your natural way of teaching men is spreading all over the world. I guess people finally ready to learn what they should have done the first place.
-N
hmmmm at 3:00 in the morning and the study session from he#$, this is very thought provoking, with what brains i have left. (i had just spelled brains…barains..which might be a bad sign…
short thought here..only because i am a one handed typist 4 now…
i think we all have that need inside of us to feel appreciated and wanted by another…but if life is all about that and centrally focused upon….i think life would probably suck. i have things about me i don’t like? but i love me anyway. love is a many splendered thing…
Oh, don’t go hating on cats. They are just as needy a little creature as a dog. If you don’t pay attention to your dog and it pisses in the corner and you don’t pay attention to your cat and it pissess in the corner; same thing.
They would both, as a species have to be called obnoxious.
As humans, the whole tribal society thing kind of makes us all needy to some degree. Entirely different story how far it goes and how it is executed.
People I know who are serial-monogamists and who constantly try to plug that hole up with a relationship generally tend to be the people I have to force myself to walk away from in life. But hey, aren’t we all just needy to some degree, in the end.
Everyone on this earth is needy. Why do you think we as humans began to talk? Because we wanted something!
And I’m with Christine! Cats can be big needy buckets of love, too. Mine and I have Mom Time when I get home from work.
I think Khiem’s exercise is a fantastic way to cut back on the needy, since self-validation is the first and maybe biggest step to cutting back on the needing from others.
If guys want to know the real secret of getting anywhere with women here it is… when you meet them only think about making them your friend. Leave sex out of it.
When you do that it not only takes the pressure off but also allows you to really listen and pay attention to what she’s saying. This will automatically make you interesting to her and not seem needy all at the same time.
Any guy that I’ve met that has the ability to actually like women as people and have them as friends has always been a winner with the ladies.
Lana
Great point, I agree. Less pressure equals more relaxed and creative discussion/interaction. Be careful not to fall into the ‘friends’ category though, which many men make the mistake of doing. You don’t want to be her go-to guy for problems, you want to be the fun flirty confident guy. Not her therapist. It’s often a fine line.
Right, and the other side of Sam’s coin is don’t make her into your go-to gal or otherwise play out your neediness. The back-rubbing, crumb-catching “friend” thing is a total skeeve-out.
A very good book on the topc is Byron Katie’s “I need your love, is that true: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead”