During the ten years I’ve been coaching women, I’ve worked with many successful career women. Something that is very common among them is that they forget how to flirt. They’ve devoted so much time and effort into building their careers and becoming part of a “man’s” world, that they forget how to flirt.
Now don’t mistake what I’m saying. The world is pretty equal in a lot of ways, and women are very successful in the business world. Women have become equally independent to men in many cases, buying their own homes and achieving financial success equal to (or sometimes greater than) men.
The way most successful career women became successful, though, is they fought for it. They played “the man’s game.” They challenged men head-on in the boardroom, at business meetings, in court and in sales.
They were tough. They were ambitious. They were competitive. They were aggressive. They took charge.
All of these qualities are fantastic for women to have and utilize to become successful in their careers. They are the same qualities that men can carry over into their dating lives and which will attract women they meet. As a woman, though, the reverse is not really true.
If you’re a woman and you’re out on a date, the guy doesn’t want to be interrogated by the CEO. The guy also doesn’t want to be interrogated by the top saleswoman, lawyer, or executive. The guy wants to be with the feminine part of you.
So what you need to do when you’re out on a date is to bring out your feminine side. You need to bring out the woman that the guy wants to see.
Now granted, unless you’ve just met a man he already knows what you do for a living and how successful you are. So don’t think I’m talking about hiding or downplaying any of your career success. I’m also not talking about you needing to be less successful than any man you date.
What I’m saying is that it’s okay to let a man be “the man” in the dating dynamic. A lot of women have become the man in their relationships. They’ve become the CEO of their relationships. They’ve become the CEO of the bedroom.
Now I understand that it can difficult for women to initially switch gears between how they act at work and how they act when they’re in a personal relationship with men. I also don’t want any woman to think that men don’t appreciate some of these “career qualities” in women. Men love women who are smart and passionate about their lives.
The fact of the matter is, though, that it is your feminine energy that attracts men to you – it’s the way you act, the way you smell, the way you touch and the way you taste. So if you’re looking to connect with men on a deeper level, you need to be able to separate the “work you” from the “personal side you.”
Men need to see the personal side of you and experience your feminine energy when you’re out on a date with them, because they don’t want to go out with an interrogator. They don’t want to feel like they’re on a job interview. They don’t want to feel like they’re being evaluated and questioned.
This is a quality that a lot of very successful women bring into the dating world. They interact with men on a date the same way they interact with men on the job. While men will respect you for this in the boardroom, it will not create attraction for you in the dating world.
If you are one of these successful career women, you need to find your feminine side again so you can take her out when you leave the office. In order to become a great feminine woman again, you need to tap into the very sexy side of you that you’ve hidden.
Remember that when you’re on a date with a man, that you don’t have to battle him like you do men at work. You don’t need to battle with us at dinner. You don’t need to battle with us in the bedroom. Then again, a battle in the bedroom can sometimes be a lot of fun . . .
Hi David,
I wanted thoughts to know if thinking to much about anything, like deep pondering/can be a problem with relationships?
From personal experience i can definitely say that deep thinking has a direct affect to memory.
David, although my first instinct was to balk at this blog as being “anti-feminist,” when I thought about it I actually said “I would love to learn how to be this way!”
I have been a career woman for my entire adult life, and it’s not that I want to be the CEO on dates and interrogate men – it’s that I don’t know how to be feminine without going completely to the polar opposite side of me and act like I’m trying to impersonate a stripper
It is hard to understand literally HOW you do this, and what to do. I know that sounds silly, but that’s why this blog resonated so much with me
I love this idea as a concept – but like Stephanie, I feel virtually clueless in how to do it (in a mechanical sense) …
I think that my difficulty with this comes from the fact that I have always earned men’s respect with my brain – and with my competence (career-wise). And in some sense, you can interact “socially” with men acting in the “work role” …. WHEN you’re at work
In truth, I’d actually love to totally let men be the CEO on dates and in the bedroom — but I associate not being the work me with “acting dumb” … which I know is not what David is advocating here. So, without understanding what’s between “smart, confident, competent career woman” and “dumb flirty girl” is a territory that is an entirely foreign country to me…
I would love to know what is in that middle area and how you can be “feminine” while not coming off as dumb and helpless.
One more thing
(isn’t there always? 
)
I’d love to hear from the guys what the women are like that attract you with their feminine side, but whom you also perceive to be smart etc…
What’s she like? What does she do? Or, better yet, what does she NOT do?
Ha ya, I know what this is like. I went on a date with a chick once who was super aggressive and it was just annoying. Although she let me lead her around she nervously dominated the conversation all night and i just got sick of it. It’s definitely an unattractive attitude.
On the other hand, if I just call a girl up on the phone and im telling her about my day and we re flirting a little bit, and she’s just giggling and having a good time, that is a huge turn on for me. It’s definitely about bringing out that feminine side.
Interesting… I actually didn’t realize this was such a problem… but then again I tend to go for younger girls who haven’t yet had time to become the “CEO of the bedroom”
Rich,
If she is “nervous” and it seems like she is doing most of the talking, which then comes across as dominating, my guess is, you aren’t doing a good enough job of leading the conversation. If she’s not nervous, and she’s dominating the conversation, that’s another story.
David,
As usual, you are right. However, in order to ’surrender’ to a man, he has to be worth it. Granted I don’t have to find out if he’s worth by being the interrogator, this is one of those areas, where I have to go in with the intention of having a good time, follow my feelings, and give him the benefit of the doubt . . . give him the opportunity to show me who he is by his choices, actions, where he chooses to lead. He either walks his talk, or he doesn’t. I don’t need to ask questions to find that out, I just need to hang out and observe.
One of the things I *love* (and miss) about hanging out with Khiem, is 1) I always have a good time 2) who he says he is and what he says he values matches with the actions he takes 3) he has a warm confident vibe that is really easy to relax around 4) he is comfortable with my feelings, whatever they may be 5) he’s good with people.
One of the things women can do to get more in touch with their feminine selves: accept their feelings, all of them, and allow yourself to feel them. This doesn’t necessarily mean act on them, or share them with people you don’t know very well. It does mean check in with yourself, notice what you are feeling, make time to express it appropriately, ie to yourself in a journal or with someone you are mutually close with. And if you’re in the habit of bottling things up, it may feel overwhelming and scary to feel them. But one of the things that makes us feminine is our deep well of feelings, and often, in the working world, we disown that part of ourselves. Rejecting your feelings means rejecting a part of yourself. That’s just not attractive.
David,
Great post. Let’s admit it though, no one wants to be the object of interrogation, EVER. Even in the business world, you can be soft and authentic and totally successful.
Also, if I start thinking about what’s the right “feminine” thing to do, I get too tied up in my head. Which is the exact opposite of where I want to be.
Lexi, I love what you say about feelings. Let them out! People love authenticity, in men and women. I went to see a presentation over the weekend, and the guy admitted during his talk that he was nervous. To me, that is connection, with himself and with us. There is so much freedom and bliss in transparency. People are scared to be transparent, but guess what, the world LOVES it. Everyone else is feeling similar things, and they feel so relieved when you let your guard down and acknowledge it.
Non-violent communication was my first window into this world, and what a beautiful world it is!!
David, another super post as always!
Kristen, in answering your question about what kind of women would attract me w/ their feminine side, it’s basically her genuinely laughing at something funny i said or dorky I did. Example, I was having dinner w/ a woman one time, and when she called my name I instinctively reacted by looking up of course, but silly me when I did that I was still eating noodles. So when I quickly looked up at her, she laughed at me for having these 2 foot egg noodles hanging from my teeth. My female companion then very femininely put her hand to her mouth and tried not to laugh and said I looked cute. Hope that helps Kristen.
To me this seems to actually be very similar to what many men do, and that is plain old not being themselves. You’ve trained yourself so hard to not be yourself at work that you’ve forgotten how to just relax and be yourself. Some successful women feel the need to brag about their accomplishments, just like some successful men do. Women complain all the time about how men brag to them and try to impress them on dates, well guess what ladies this is the same thing in reverse, and men like it even less than you do. I’ve dated women from unemployed students to doctors and lawyers and I am absolutely attracted to a successful woman that is intelligent and can fully contribute to a relationship. However if I feel like you’re trying to impress me it reeks of desperation or that you would be a domineering person that I wouldn’t want to have a cup of coffee with let alone something more serious. So you’re successful and you’re a woman, that’s great, good for you, but are you fun and interesting to talk to? Like David tells the men…. be confident, be relaxed, be yourself, be observant, and learn how to have a conversation (not just wait for your turn to talk). Now where are some of these successful women who have a problem with this so I can practice with them how to have a relaxed conversation.
oh my god this is so right!
but i think part of the reason i dislike this behavior so much is because i see the same interrogator that used to be in me (and still is sometimes) .
Hey Adam,
Great comment and I think your point about relaxing is well-taken … but I know in my case that bragging isn’t the “male energy” I bring to the table, and I would suspect that is the case with other women as well. It’s more a problem of the basic energy we’re bringing I think …
Just Adjust It … Thanks!
So start saying your feelings out loud. It is so f^*&ing liberating!!! not just for you for everyone else too.
I really love Lexi’s comment!
Kristen, I can relate to your problem as well. What I have learned is that it is not a matter of lowering yourself intellectually but to find your playful side. Find what is funny for you, what kind of things make you laugh, watch comedies, listen to humorists, etc. That has helped me find my playful side. There is a movie that talks about this problem, The Family Stone, have you seen it? I was very identified with Sarah Jessica Parker’s character.
PS.I was watching a Letterman interview to Obama yesterday. Obama was making a such a smart joke that even Letterman got lost. I had to rewind the video to really get what he was meaning, but when I got it i saw how funny it was! Isn’t it something ?
This is an interesting post. Because us guys all know about the professionally aggressive women who let that side of themselves leak over in the personal side. It is to say the least, unattractive, initially. Women should save that for later in the relationship.
I think that the way to do it is to think of it as saving what you do as a gift for us…what I said just didn’t make sense but I’ll try to give an example.
I met this girl the other day and she was gorgeous. I approached her and right off the bat, she showed that she was very witty, but silly and someone that I can just joke around with. We talked about all kinds of things before the question, “So, what do you do?” came out.
She was in law school. For the record, I LOVE law women. They are some of THE most aggressive women out there.
But you would never know, talking to her initially. She was very reserved and was just so chill.
Not to say that every women should be this way, but if you don’t want to be known as that aggressive type, just be reserved. Save that aggression for the bedroom.
To add to that…have some fun and show that you can be playful and fun.
That kind of combination is deadly.
Yay, let’s play!
Terrific post, and such great comments. “Switching hats” on a dime – from “boy” behavior at work and the logistics of taking care of ourselves and our households, to “girl” behavior in romance is something none of us women have been taught.
But once you get the hang of it – it’s easy. All of my work is about being able to turn around our normal way of being with men, so that we can access more of our “feminine” natures without losing any of our “masculine” abilities.
We’re used to feeling mushy inside with a man in a relationship, and then putting up walls around us and between us on the outside. The trick is to reverse that – to start believing in ourselves so completely, to feel so strong on our insides that we can allow ourselves to be soft, transparent, authentic and vulnerable on the outside.
Thanks for your great interview with me this month, and I’d love to invite you to “guest post” your insights on my blog…
Infiniti … your comments were very helpful — and as one of the “law girls” you describe, you have given me some hope!
Kristen -
Glad I could help. It should help! You gotta realize that “law girls” are some of the most valuable women out there (at least to me). It almost reminds me of the real “alpha female” that I’d like to see myself with down the road.
You have goals and you have a great work ethic. Just some of the rare qualities you can’t find in anyone, let alone women, these days.
I like a strong woman. Its my opinion that either women know how to be women or they don’t. I never have liked being interrogated. So i can set boundries when answering questions, and redirects. We as men must also be strong, even with strong woman. Regardless of strength or success, there is a softer person just below the surface. I try to be sensitive to her need to know, interact with kindness.
BTW: Its always fun to bed wrestle with a strong woman.
Great blog! I agree with women being women… and the ying/yang of this is that for a woman to truly feel and be feminine around a man, he has to bring masculine energy to the table. There’s a trend of this flip flop going on… the beta man, or the “nice/sensitive” guy, and b/c of that the woman ends up leading the relationship, which is all good and fine if that’s what people want. But guys need to make sure to let out and be in their strong masculine energy if they want a feminine woman. If the guy shows up with more feminine energy, it’s not going to bring out the woman’s feminine side it’ll do the opposite. I personally love the strong, masculine guys!
C: I agree! For the record I like strong, yet femine woman!
Infiniti … Your comment truly made my day
So thanks 
Jim – I think the fact that you like strong, yet feminine, women is exactly what this blog is trying to convey … The issue I believe for most of us “stong” women is not so much that we don’t want to also be feminine, it’s that it is not always a trait that comes naturally to us.
The one I think misconception (which again, i guess, shows the value of this blog!) I’m reading in these comments is that career women take on these more dominant roles with men because that is the role they want — Speaking for myself (and I would suspect for other career women), this is not at ALL the case … We just don’t know how to switch gears or exactly how we should behave once we do …
Kristen: My point is i like a smart strong woman. I also like a woman to be a woman, and i think a woman knows how to be one or she does not. I’m not just talking about dress, but also style and qualities woman have. You can always tell the woman who are woman, regardless of age or profession. Buts this is my perception. I’m sure you could same the same about men, they either know how to be one or they dont.
Marisa you got it! Find your playful side!
All you girls have actually been saying it in your own words. And I’m saying ‘girls’ for a reason
David once worded exactly what was abstractly going on in my mind. We want a woman who still likes to be a girl!
There’s so many ways to go about this… so let me just share a little bit to answer Kristen’s original question.
There is one girl in my life who I have been most attracted to in every way. She was highly intelligent and very mature – more so than me, to be honest with you. What made me respect her and support her was her motivation, strength, and initiative in life. What made me LOVE and ADORE her, and drive me absolutely crazy for her, was her feminine energy in everything she did outside ‘work mode’. She was always playing around and being girly. Sometimes that could be teasing. Other days it could be joking. Sometimes it would be provocative looks or hints. She would dress in a way that made her feel sexy and free. She would be very feminine and sweet, and always act on her feelings. Let me tell you, I get LOST in woman when she is like that…
Try this:
Begin to imagine yourself in that situation, whatever it is, and make it VIVID. Let these emotions fill you up. Allow yourself to feel these feelings, which are the base of the energy and behavior that you want to exude.
When your work is done, stop. Guess what? You no longer need to be in ‘work mode’! Take some time for yourself to sit down and think about what you want in your life right then, besides a bath and dinner. Or you could actually go with that
As you experience the emotions inside, they can manifest on the outside. It is a good place from which to surrender, and to speak your mind and feelings, and get that playful smile on your face.
I’m sure you will think of many more ways to bring your feminine flood to life. What music do you like?
You are all lovely women. As you are letting more and more of that out you just keep getting more and more attractive and you are DONE.
All my best,
Pete
—
“The fact of the matter is, though, that it is your feminine energy that attracts men to you – it’s the way you act, the way you smell, the way you touch and the way you taste.”
- David
Pete: Thats brings it home, Nicely done!
Wow, I was on the phone a bit ago with this guy I’m vibing with, and hearing his voice I just felt so soft and romantic and sexy inside. It reminded me how good it all is out there, how much I love men. And how fun it is to be a girl. Wish me luck tonight, I may get seduced. j/k
Erika: NICE!
ooooh, you don’t know how nice!
Jim, thank you for saying hi
After 4 years of celibacy, I am in serious trouble. but in a very good way.
it’s the very first time in my entire life that a guy has said “you are like the Divine Feminine.” it was so sweet and soft and beautiful.
I’m just going to enjoy the bliss of this moment for a little while
Erika: FUN!
Wow do I feel good. And so totally turned on. Not just by him, but by the whole world.
It has been a long journey out of darkness for me, so I am really appreciating how beautiful everything is looking right now.
Thanks for the support, Jim
Sending love and peace to you all today.
Erika: I want special attention!
i think if a guy shows strength and charectar its a way to bring out a gentler side of a woman. It seems to me that when a guy first dates me and he is too soft its a turn off.
Mel, you couldn’t be so right!
I feel like the girl is so put off by it that they feel they have to be the “interrogator” to make up for the loss of masculinity.
Most guys wish women would just tell them, “Hey! It’s fine, you can be a man. In fact, I like men, so stick to what you know.”
But women expect this to happen and then us guys get all confused as to how to go about it.
How to go about being a man?! Absurd.
Guys: SOME characteristics of being one:
Power
Character
Confidence
Status
Social Proof
Just some…but it’s a great start.
Honest, truthful, hardworking, dedicated, spiritual, strong mind and body, positive, fun, playful, child like are a few more
Erika you go girl!!!!!!!
Mel,
Thank you for bringing up this imported point. Your honesty helps men. Always keep up that open honesty.
Just this Monday my dance partner told me she wasn’t feeling my lead. I am so glad she (finally?) told me. I felt like I was leading her but apperently I needed to so much stronger. Now I can address that part of myself and grow.
Another person’s honesty was also what taught me body posture. I am very grateful.
I think this group is amazing. You guys are bringing in a lot of interesting stuff here!
Would any of the guys be interested in hearing the details of what this guy is doing that is creating intense attraction for me? Not sure if that’s something that would be helpful or not … the subtlety of it is really pretty amazing.
Hey Erika, I’d like to private message you, is there any option like this here? can you email me?
sarah030794@yahoo.com
“Would any of the guys be interested in …”
yes. i am. definitely. if there is any dirty stuff that is not for public please feel free to mail me here: p.laymann@yahoo.de
and for you crazy stalkers out there: be aware that this address has a new malicious defense device built in so in case you throw crap at me it will not only backfire but erase all content at your hard drive.
btw i happen to know that Marisa’s address has the same feature so you better watch it.
hi Mr. Boombastic,
well, it’s kind of steamy but lately I’m pretty transparent, so you can get to it from my blog:
http://awakeningfromthedream.blogspot.com/2008/09/natural-game-how-to-seduce-celibate.html
Feedback welcome
- Erika
would love to comment but link doesnt work?
What a tease you are!
Broken links with spicy titles! Are you trying to get a rise out of the blog gents?
Awww, ok the link is up and working again. It created such a stir on another men’s site that I needed to change the link so that you could even find the story amidst all the commentary!
Erika that was BEAUTIFUL.
I almost can’t wait to be ten years older… and that spiritually grown.
I’m going to have to read that a couple more times…….
Thanks Pete. Love for you to comment over there if you feel like it.