Define Cheating
Define Cheating by David Wygant
So you’re in a relationship, and you do any of the following things:
• After getting a little tipsy in a bar, you swap spit and play some serious tonsil hockey with the hottie with whom you did a few shots
• You go to a happy ending rub ‘n tug massage parlor and, wow what am I doing, the female rubber tugs at you at you at the end of the massage.
• You go to a strip club, and the stripper grinds against you leaving a deposit on your jeans.
• You’re a woman who at a bachelorette party slowly kisses this cute guy you met that night.
• You are on vacation, and you perform oral sex but don’t have intercourse.
So where am I going with all this? What defines cheating . . . and what actions do or do not constitute cheating?
Some people think cheating only occurs if intercourse happens. Other people think cheating is when you just think about it.
Some people say just making out with someone is not cheating. Ask any man who goes to a rub ‘n tug, and he’ll tell you that he’s not cheating. He’ll say that’s not cheating . . . it’s a massage.
So today, we’re going to open up the forum and see what you guys think. What is cheating to you?
That’s the question of the day.
I want to correspond with all of you. I want to hear your thoughts on what constitutes cheating.
I once had this funny little thing that read: “It’s not cheating if you do it in another time zone.” This meant that if you live in New York City and you travel to Los Angeles, it’s 8:00 pm. Los Angeles time and 11:00 pm. New York time. So you basically have three hours to fool around before it’s 11:00 pm your time.
It’s like time travel. If you keep your watch on eastern time, then it’s like you never cheated (sort of like the five second rule – something falls on the floor and you can eat it if it hasn’t been there longer than five seconds).
Instead of the “five second rule,” this is the “three hour rule.” Other people have a different version of this rule: “It’s not cheating if you don’t speak the language.”
People cheat for all sorts of reasons. Let’s hear your definition of what cheating is, and then another day we’ll talk about why people cheat.
I don’t agree with either of the rules above. You can rationalize it any way you want, but my opinion is that the minute your lips lock with another person, you’ve cheated.
What’s your opinion on this issue . . . and don’t hold back! Looking forward to this discussion all day!
September 18th, 2007 at 11:48 am
David - I absolutely agree with you that if you’ve had a meeting of the lips with someone, you have crossed the line into cheating territory.
Even more key, however, was your question at the end asking why people who are interested in being with another do not simply end the relationship they are currently in instead of cheating. That is, while I can understand myriad reasons to be unhappy and/or unsatisfied in a relationship, I cannot think of any legitimate (or moral) reason (apart maybe from the kids reason David mentioned) to choose the option of cheating over simply ending a current relationship.
Also, for those that feel that they are justified in cheating, why is cheating most often done behind someone’s back. If someone feels that there is nothing wrong with it, why don’t they simply announce their intention to cheat to their partner?!
September 18th, 2007 at 12:12 pm
Cheating begins in the mind, its the emotional disconnect with your partner. For me the whole list would be cheating. My heart tells me so. Simple truths.
September 18th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
Its cheating if you would not want the other person in your relationship to know the specifics of what you are doing.
That is the innocent IM with the hottie from work or the email to the old high school flame or the over zealous kiss with the exwife when you are picking up the kids.
If you are hiding that from your significant other, its cheating.
What is SO awesome is that RIGHT NOW, I am not in a relationship. So I can swap spit with the hot brunette I met last week, I can send flirting emails to a girl I’m interested in, I can IM a prospective girl friend. But when and if I and one of these girls or another girl decide to enter into some kind of defined relationship, then those other activities would be cheating.
I think, though, that you HAVE to define that with the person you are in a relationship with. If you cannot do that, then perhaps you arent in a mature relationship!
September 18th, 2007 at 2:04 pm
Darik,
I too can pull the trigger when I want to
September 18th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
David;
Simply put, as I once heard on Jeopardy, “You are correct Alex.” lol
Yea, once you have “locked lips,” the cheat has begun. Usually kissing, if it is passionate will lead to full blown cheating in my opinion.
I have a question to pose here about “cheating.” I am going to expose myself a little here, but whatever.
I have been getting some very passionate, yet respectful messages from a man in Rome who has only seen me on My Space. I don’t answer but to say ,” thank you you are very sweet. This morning I get this( I don’t understand some because he obviously speaks more Itialian than english);
“you are so sweet
September 18th, 2007 at 8:20 pm
It’s only cheating if you’re in a committed relationship. If not, enjoy but don’t pick up or spread any diseases!
As for the Italian guy, don’t place too much emphasis on that, is my advice. I spent some time in Italy and flirtation is a national pasttime among those guys. They open their mouths and it just rolls off their tongues.
Their MO is to flirt with the youngest woman in the group, based on my experience…or at least the one who LOOKS the youngest.
Yeh, yeh, yeh, but don’t buy any of their talk. And, certainly don’t be foolish or vain enough to believe any of it!!!
September 18th, 2007 at 8:59 pm
September 18th, 2007 at 9:24 pm
Cheating is a Funny thing. You just can decribe what excatly is cheating.It varies from person to person and couple to couple. My friend says If you are not in same zip code, its’ not cheating or if you are if you have oral sex, thats not cheating or my favouriate, if you don’t remember her next day, its not cheating.
Like I said,It depends on people themselves, how comfortable they are with each other. Asking to define cheating on a personal level is difficullt dude. Its like asking how dark is it? Dark, Pitch black or Super dark or super duper Dark? All you can say is . Its dark. Cheating is the same. You can’t pin point to thing and say Crossing this line is considered cheating for everyone.
About things at strip club, If a stripper grinds you and you leave a patch in your jeans, thats ok, Absolutely ok. I feel for guys, if he gets hard, he stops thinking and his dick takes over.I wouldn’t consider it cheating. If people say thats cheating, I will challenge them, I will take you out, pay the stripper to grind you, till you drop. I am sure every guy would deposit.Though against their intentions and feelings, it just comes out, believe me, it does.
Cheating depends on what and how you communicate with your partner
September 18th, 2007 at 11:38 pm
LOL
Hem—you grow on me every post I see from you.
Your posts make me laugh, think and say hemmm. lol
“About things at strip club, If a stripper grinds you and you leave a patch in your jeans…” LOL LMAO You are funny. That would be some serious grinding which is great—in private. I say grind to the bone(er.) lol
Would you take me out and pay for a MALE(not female) stripper to grind me until I drop, or make him drop em? LOL That is a fantasy I have and my birthday is in 11 days? LOL If you have read this blog for awhile, you know that i am loco in the cabessa (crazy in the head!)
In all seriousness, i do not think having a stripper “grind” you is cheating. I probably say that because that IS where the ladies from work will be “dragging” me to for my birthday because I have never been, so I have to justify it now—no it is not cheating.
Now if I sat there and proceeded to pleasure him orally–yea ok that is a different story. I wouldn’t do that. Cheat I’ll never tell, but that acting stupid is out of the question.
I did know a girl who used to go every weekend and would tell her stories of the stupid crap she did to TRY and touch them. I told her she was a “damn blithering idiot!” I have to wonder, because I think there are rules to that and you would get kicked out–for good.
Really on cheating as a whole, if you have been screwed over your whole relationship, well, que sera sera. I won’t turn down the passions of a man I have chemistry and commonalities with. I don’t really give a rats behind. Sorry, but that is how I view this subject of cheating.
Hem, hope to be “seeing” you here more often than not because I in turn love your posts so far.
September 19th, 2007 at 1:21 am
As Jim said, it is….the emotional disconnect with your partner….Period.
No nothing else. Many happy relationships are in alternative life styles, however, when one partner disconnects from the other, its over.
Whether you’re getting a massage or doing the dirty in another zip code or time zone, you’re still emotionally disconnecting from your significant other. If you would not want to be treated that way, you shouldn’t be doing it either. Been there done that. I can handle the sleeping with other women, but when I lost him emotionally, I should have shown him the door because it was over. The only reason I don’t consider it a waste of time all the pain that I endured is because I needed to know that I had done my best to keep us together.
September 19th, 2007 at 10:48 am
Forgot about a conversation a friend and I had Saturday morning weekend before last at 2am.
Her husband cheated on her, full blown sleeping with another woman, having extended contacted contact etc. Their marriage ended and I think she does not want to be in a relationship like that.
Anyway, I came to the conclusion that cheating in a marriage really comes down to TWO different reasons. One, the person who cheats is not getting what he or she needs from the relationship or Two, there is something wrong with that person. You as the person being cheated on can only work on the meeting the needs of the other person. You cant fix them. Dang, its hard enough to change things in who you are.
September 19th, 2007 at 11:17 am
Good stuff from all of you. Really enjoyed reading all of your thoughs and feelings about this topic.
Are you ready for part 2 today?
September 19th, 2007 at 11:40 am
I feel like i’m cheating
September 19th, 2007 at 4:08 pm
A little late in the game. Cheating, in my opinion is a form of missed expectations. A lie. It can start in the heart, and is usually easily forgivable if it stays there, but something about acting out that behavior crosses “the line” in our brains. I agree with whomever said it depended on the couple as to what cheating was. I have friends that are in open relationships, that range in everything from it’s okay to fuck others as long as it is just sex, to multiple ongoing relationships– this for them is not cheating because it is a mutually agreed to lifestyle. I have another acquantance who has an “oops” clause with her boyfriend. For me, if I can’t talk about what I’m doing with the person I’m dating, I consider that to be the start down the path of cheating, so I avoid doing things I’m not willing to be talk about. This includes talking to others about the problems I’m having in my relationship– if I’m not talking to my partner about it, then it is emotionally cheating.
Gretchen Ruben, blogger of The Happiness Project has 5 tips to avoid having an office affair
September 19th, 2007 at 4:28 pm
G’day mates! lol Well, my emails are more than just an overload of..well whatever. At any rate, Faryn is “cyberally challenged” according to her email, so where she is at, sending her post is proving impossible, So this post is hers that she has asked my assistance in relaying to the “Kingdom of David.” lol You are one unique lady for sure Ms. Faryn. These are HER words here gang.
So Faryn fans..;
FARYN SAYS:
Ladies and Gentlemen, all this rhetoric is Clintonisms at his finest; define cheating? Please don’t! We all know what cheating is. When you mentally fuck or literally fuck someone other than your partner, it is cheating. Period. When you wanna fuck, or do fuck, somebody other than your partner, in your mind … thats the beginning. Best to bale out of the relationship prior to doing the deed.
Personally, with my busy schedule and constant change in locale, I haven’t time for drama such as this. I enjoy my given mark then move on to the next when I have found one suitable enough for my tastes and needs.
I don
September 20th, 2007 at 5:07 am
Hey all. I am so sorry. i have been under so much stress lately i totally fucked up Faryns post. let me give it to you word for word in the email I just picked up.
Faryn Says;
Ladies and Gentlemen, all this rhetoric is Clintonisms in his finest hour; Define cheating. We all know what cheating is. When you mentally fuck or literally fuck someone other than your partner, it is cheating. Period. When you want to fuck somebody other than your partner, in your mind … that
September 20th, 2007 at 6:27 am
I think, too, that cheating is exciting…forbidden fruit and all that. And if there wasn’t some kind of pay off to it, why would people do it? Women do it as much as men do. I have a friend whose husband is extremely successful financially…she feels that she lives in a “golden cage.” She doesn’t want to give up the security for her and her 3 kids. She has one affair after another. She is pretty sure her husband cheats too. If he isn’t at this time, he has definitely done it in the past.
September 20th, 2007 at 11:36 am
Joan.
LOL, Yeah sure. Lets go clubbing
September 20th, 2007 at 11:55 am
Joan love, you are a treasure to me. Never worry about our bond, it is as solid as steel.
I am by no means perfect but my cyber challenges have had me a bit flustered … and that is unusual! You’ve been a blessed distraction to me lately which I will someday return the generosity.
So, rest up, heal, reconnect with your beautiful Spirit and know I am close.
September 20th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
HEM;
Lets go! Do you so any salsa, meringue..? I would take you tothis club i was at last night for my neighbors BD party.
Talk about dancing! These people were friggin awesome. i got pulled out four times and showed the what the white girl can do. lol Mexican girls were not liking me, and you know what? I LOVE IT!! LOL Don’t hate;))
I felt like I was in another country. Awesome place. No fights, no drunks falling all over you. It was like everyone was there just for the dance! Beautiful, but OMG my feet are not happy today..at all.
Where do you live Hem? If you are ever this way, we will dance;))
Faryn;
Thank you for your kind words. They mean very much to me. Kindness? What has happened to people they can’t be kind these days? I don’t understand it, but I am thankful for those in my life such as your self who care. Thank you Faryn.
September 20th, 2007 at 6:40 pm
If my fella looked at another woman naked and/or fantasized about her I would consider that cheating
September 21st, 2007 at 9:08 pm
Cheating has nothing to do with sexuality specifically; it is far simpler than that. While there is nothing inherently wrong with harmless flirting between Men and Women who are not involved, or are involved with other people, once people do something that crosses the line between something they would tell their SO about or do in front of them, and something that they wouldn’t, well then at that point there is a pretty good chance they are probably cheating. It is a lot like gossiping that way. It only really becomes gossip if its something you wouldn’t say it to someone
September 22nd, 2007 at 6:30 pm
Joan,
Where are you located? I am moving to Irwine, California this week
September 22nd, 2007 at 8:46 pm
Hem;
I am located in Texas. Where are you moving from? Irvine CA! How luck of you to be in CA.
I am from San Clemente Ca and am moving back to that general area in April of next year. I recently went to visit my mom and just fell in love with my homeland all over again. It is really hard to be here now after such beauty and SO MUCH LIFE!!! You do not see people out and about like that here. I need to be closer to my mother. She is elderly and I want to be able to be with her for her time remaining. She is not sickly, just the opposite, but you know. I want to get into school there for a year of training. Anyway, I look forward to my move. I am working like hell to get a beach worthy body;) Not that I will have time to go much, but hey—the body never hurts:))
Well, that is neat:) If I remember right you and i are supposed to go to a Salsa club? lol MHMMM I didn’t forget. I never forget when it comes to dancing some good stuff! I am really getting into this latin dancing these days. I should right now be getting ready to go, but i am really unsure of two nights in a row. I am not a “party girl,” so one night of hardcore dancing wears me. The one girl is so persistent for my presence, because she says I make the night for her making her laugh. ?? OK Very sweet compliment. I love to laugh and YOU make me laugh for sure;)
September 22nd, 2007 at 9:21 pm
Cheating has may definitions. I cannot say that the thought of another women has not crossed my mine. What I do with those thought is my responsibility.
I am married to a women who loves me completely. I would not hurt her for any reason in the world. But I have that opinion because of who I am not who she is. I love her because of who she is. I won’t cheat because of who I am.
So my point is that cheating is a matter of character. It is not about conquests forbidden fruits or not getting what you need at home. It is about who you are at a deep level.
My first wife cheated. I loved her. She broke my heart. I would never do that to anyone.
Thanks
John
September 22nd, 2007 at 10:02 pm
I would have to say it’s extremly easy to cheat. Passion is not love the two are only connected by morals not by science. Personally I don’t even beleive in love but none the less cheating would be when you exchange more then sex. It would be when the cheater and the cheatee get emotionally connected. Now it is true that prolonged sex creates then disolves this emotional connection due to chemicals. I would have to say cheating is done by those who can’t see the difference between sex and love.
September 22nd, 2007 at 11:22 pm
Cheating can be defined as an emotional attachment and physical attraction with anyone other than your partner.
Cheating ALWAYS has a first step.
If I looked forward to lunches or long talks with another man, I believe I would be cheating on my partner. Sex or no sex…..it doesn’t matter…..it’s still taking away from a relationship.
Besides after a couple long lunches, and a couple of great talks, the next step is “get a room” for the afternoon.
Whaddya’ think?
September 23rd, 2007 at 12:47 am
Many people say that cheating happens when you do something physical with someone else other than who you are in a current relationship. I feel that cheating starts not only there but sometimes in a worst place, emotionally. Once you have opened up the doors emotionally, here comes the flood and other things tend to follow.
I would like to open my life to criticism and hopefully some guidence:
My wife and I have had problems, the normal ones, for about 3 years or so. We have been married for 5.5 years but have been together for 11.5. I am a talker and love to talk about the day on my way home from work and also bring up topics or concerns that I feel are troublesome in our relationship. I do this because I know it is the only way things will get fixed.
My affair started with a co-worker when I started talking to her on the phone about just life and problems in general. Maybe my wife wasn’t listening or maybe I didn’t even try hard to get my points across, but either way I started this whole thing by talking. After some time went by with her there were doors being opened (thoughts) and rocks being over turned, none of which the love of my life was hearing.
A little over a year ago I took a new job, one that was a better job but I we were perfectly fine where we were. We had very close friends, a great network and everything else that goes with it. One of the main reasons for me taking this new job was to get away from the affair, break away from it so I could start living my life how I was supposed to. I did not see her very much over the past year but still talked to her on the phone quite a bit.
Well… two days ago my wife received an anonymous letter telling details of an affair that I have had for the last 2 years. I was getting out of the affair, but doing it slowly. She packed our daughter up and headed for her sisters house. The only person that I ever wanted to be with was my wife as well as my daughter who is 2.5 years old.
I am not sure who wrote the letter, nor do I really care because they were all things that I did and no one else. I am sure just like everyone else that I had no intention of wanting this outcome. I have never posted anything like this before but I am reaching out. I have talked to my family and friends who all knew nothing of the affair but am looking for some help.
We have/had had a great relationship but lacked energy in the bedroom. I am not blaming my wife one bit for any of this because she is the best thing that could have ever happened to me but I have told her for the last 3+ years how I felt. What I felt was missing from our relationship, how I felt we needed to talk more and be more intimate. I am not even talking mostly about sex but more so just cuddling on the couch, kissing each other rather than just a peck, and really feeling like there was spark like we had for so many years.
My wife is a beautiful, smart and an unbelievable woman who I want to spend the rest of my life with. She is a great mother and a good wife and I want to get her back. I would love to hear from any body who would like to either blast me with some not so kind words or if someone would like to help me. I am asking because I know I am better person than this. I am asking because I don’t care what people think of me but more so about making this relationship work.
I will do what ever it takes to make this right. Move where ever she would like and or take any yelling that I deserve. I will do anything!
As much as it hurts me to say, I do understand that if she does not come back that I have no one to blame but myself.
Thank you in advance.
Jamie
September 24th, 2007 at 12:44 pm
Elaine
That is how cheating starts….always innocent at first.
September 26th, 2007 at 2:55 pm
Jaime,
Im on this website searching for answers just like you. I am engaged to be married and 3 months before the wedding I found out my fiance was a compulsive gambler. I was devasted and wanted nothing to do with him. The lying the deceit is horrible.
I have always been against cheating because I was hurt 10+ years ago and was traumatized by the event. I had and still have much pride and couldn’t believe that such betrayal could happen to me. I took it very personal as thought i wasn’t good enough, or pretty or sexy enough. After this tragedy in my life I was out to get revenge and that revenge as in saying to myself, “If he could do it, I could do it.” It has left me with feelings of guilt and emptiness.
Throughout my other relationships I became jealous, insecure, demanding and controlling and in the end they didn’t work out. With my current fiance I was the same way until I attended couseling and the gam-anon meetings.
These gam-anon meeting have made me look deep down at me and why I need to change. These realizations have been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and have been so scary.
I recently cheated on my fiance (kissed a guy) when I haven’t cheated on him for 3 yrs. It doesn’t make sense to me. We have been making progress in our relationship. Our communication is so much better I feel a more deeper emotional connection with him and in the end I cheated.
What the hell is my problem? Am I just so insecure with myself that I need to feel justified by someone elses nice comments, or assumtions. I have the praise and the nice compliments and comments from my fiance. Nothing is missing. He’s wonderful! Why do I do this to myself? I know I’m worthy of a wonderful loving loyal relationship and why cant I give the same?
I’m stuck with your same dilema. All I know is that I need to seek professional help to help me work through these internal struggles. It’s all on me. It’s hard, its frustrating the worst part is that your hurting someone else.
As much as it hurts to say, I also understand if he wants nothing to do with me ever again.
My fiance now is wonderful. Even though he had this gambling addiction and following his GA program I too have been going to Gam a non which is like alanon. I’ve learned
October 31st, 2008 at 10:19 pm
I too agree that it all starts in the mind, but you need to ask yourself..if I am, (or they are) seeking attention one way or another from the opposite sex, rather texing, emails, girls night out, or whatever the case may be, is this person who I really want to be with? Do they fullfill your needs? Obviously not
OK, well here is a question for you. Is this cheating? 4 yr relationship, 90 miles apart, BUT… out of 7 days in a week more than half are spent together. Sex is great, frequent and intense . The woman is very pretty, great body, not stuck on her self at all. The guy, well not as attractive, with a bit of anger & control issues. One day the woman finds a lot of porn from youporn on his laptop, (which he keeps closed and to himself always), she already knows that he is a compulsive masterbater (closet) she is way disturb by it, but the latest and greatest is, while he was in the shower she opened the night stand to put away the phone charger, and to her surprize she found a Jenna Jameson rubber two hole pocket pal.
I wont say what happened next, but what is your take on that?