Todays blog I am dedicating to a good friend of mine. You know who you are and I felt that this was just what you needed to hear today. Look deep inside and learn from the lesson.
A lot of times when a woman meets a new man and she feels like everything just “clicks,” she will immediately start to have all sorts of expectations about him. These are not things she expects him to do, however, but rather things she starts to expect that he is (or might be).
She starts to think to herself “This guy could be ‘the one.’ This can be the guy who gets rid of this annoying single binge I’ve been on for so long. This guy is different from all the rest.” She starts building all these expectations about a guy she’s just met.
Then she goes out on another date with that guy which also goes really well and, all of a sudden, she builds the expectations even more. She starts dreaming a little bit and thinking about how that guy might be her soulmate. She may start to think about how this guy could be someone with whom she can spend the rest of her life (and possibly have children).
By the next date, if things are still going really well, she will build the expectations further and already be picking out her wedding dress, thinking about their first vacation together or thinking about what kind of house they are going to eventually buy together. Who knows where the fantasy side of her mind may be going.
What happens every single time you build up expectations on a date or go into expectations mode, is that you become less present to what he really is (and is not) all about as a man. You stop noticing some of the little things, especially some of the little things about the guy that may not be right for you.
You stop noticing some of the behavior patterns that he may be showing you and, because you are lingering in expectation mode, you may go six months into a relationship that will ultimately self-destruct. Because you blinded yourself to what kind of guy this was due to your expectations, you will spend that six months thinking you are having an amazing relationship instead of seeing things through non-expectation colored glasses.
What happens here is you miss every single verbal and visual clue that is right in front of you which told you that this guy was not right for you. He was not right in so many ways, but you didn’t see that because of the fantasy expectations you put on the relationship.
I actually recently dated someone for six months who had much higher expectations of the relationship than I did. She had a whole different version of the relationship in her mind, even though my behavior was very consistent for the entirety of the relationship. She had all these high expectations that we were “meant to be together forever and ever” when, in reality, my expectations were just about being present in the moment and seeing where things took us.
You have to realize when you’re doing this that you have to dial back the whole expectations mode. You need to start paying attention to little things and start evaluating relationships on what is happening in the now.
Don’t think about the future so early in a relationship, and don’t think about the expectations you have for a particular guy (or a particular relationship). Instead, keep yourself present in the moment and think about what is going in a relationship right now.
It’s not that I want you to not be optimistic about a relationship’s possibilities, I just want to make sure that you don’t ignore its warning signs. Take a look at the guy and the relationship and evaluate them both on what is really there, because a lot of times when you think you’ve had the “perfect relationship” that has crashed and burned, the warning signs were there the whole time but you just chose to ignore them.
Another great post David and I hope the intended personailty pays attention and learns from her misinterpretations.
This post, did bring to mind a question. I think there is a male expectation path as well. We go in expecting certain things, even if we don’t understand them, blame it on the media and our entertainment culture, etc. I have, in the past, and more out of habit, actively tried to evaluate what a potential person is expecting from me. I do this to see if I fit in to the schedule of what is necessary for the future. If you are involved with someone like this, how do you find out if you are persuing their expecatations? And as a follow up, if you realize that they are expecting too much from you, or you from them, when does it become more apparent?
I fully enjoy living in the moment and I am a converted believer in maintaining that in all aspects of life. I have it cornered down in my professional life but I have difficulty translating that to my dating life. I had bad experiences when I was younger that I am working on (thank you Khiem, I deserve another kick in the pants for dwelling on the past) and as a result I carry around my own expecations for a relationship. Mainly, I expect them to treat me like my first couple of girlfriends. These first few basically moved on without telling me and started seeing other guys and in both situations I found out in very public, very embarassing ways.
So now, fifteen years later, at 31, I find I have a lot of trouble in relationships and YES talking about it in this manner does help me see what I’m doing or thinking to hinder me and hearing all the responses is a great way to see other views on what I’ve been through. (gawd that sounds so f-ing writer cliche) <—sorry professional outburst.
SO! To bring my point to a close, what has worked best for all of you in the past on combating expecations, both ones that you create and ones that you spot in the person you are seeing?
Thanks,
Mike
Sandra,
No offence the other day. I apologize for trying to police the post but I had a weird day in the LA Criminal Courthouse (I was a key witness before anyone jumps to conclusions) and found the message that day to be particualarily poignant to me. To have my experience disrupted by a bunch of posts, none of which seemed to relate to the topic at hand was distracting and adding in my enhanced critical mood, was what produced my attack. I see now that it is part of the community and not the indivdual post and it is something that should be enjoyed not disparaged.
I should have politely tried to state that I appreciate your posts as a member of this increbible and supportive community, but at the same time I could have expressed a desire to see you discuss what the rest of the thread was trying to discuss.
Take care,
Mike
Re-reading my post, I see a need to Sandra-ize and clarify. I was 17 and then 20 when I had relationship problems and instead of addressing them, I ran and hid from them.
Both times I was in a relationship and both times I was replaced for a new man and found out when I attended a party with all of our friends only to watch as everyone found out that I had just found out when I saw my girlfriend making out with another guy. It was a situation where everyone but me knew and I got to be the center of the party as they all watched me to see how I would react.
And to give someone else a chance…. post away community. It’s going to take a lot to break that new record.
Mike
Well said, David.
Thanks Dan
One thing that seems to help me prevent this sort of thing from happening is to disqualify myself.
David, (or anyone else)
How do you know if they’re signs of incompatability or if you’re just having a bad day and the little annoyances seem bigger? How do you know if he’s not right or you’re just being too picky and looking for “perfection”?
M Says – Your first couple of girlfriends were mean and immature. You sound successful, accomplished, interesting and intelligent so don’t let them win. Hang in there.
David’s right, we do tend to get into that expectation mode and dream away. Thanks for the reminder!
Taras – How do you disqualify yourself?? You got me, now I’m curious.
Taras – I’m curious too — expand on that you disqualify yourself?
You know, I have really learned not to have ANY expectations at all! I just go with the flow and stay in the present. I have learned (from David) to be myself because pretending to be someone else just isn’t going to work.
Joyous -
I really pay attention to how a guy acts towards me and reacts to me as well. I pay attention to his personality and what his needs are, how he likes his needs met, and (most importantly) whether he responds to my needs or personality the way I like for a guy to. By needs I mean emotionally or mentally at first. Every guy needs building up by his girl, but how does he like that to be done is the question for every guy that you meet. Does he need too many affirmations or maybe just one or two here and there. Its good to know how he plays with you or if he plays at all! It’s also good to know if your sense of humor and his go well together and if he has that chemistry with you, I believe that you would be able to talk about anything and everything and it would be fun and interesting to share stories and laugh, especially to laugh together. Pay attention to that and whatever else is really important to YOU! It is about you so be selfish!!!! You want the RIGHT person.
Here are some examples:
I went out with one guy who gave me a lot of attention. I liked that — at first. Then it kind of got annoying because he would demand my attention. I would feel like I owed him the attention to keep him around because he liked me. Eventually I started resenting that he demanded so much of my attention because I wasn’t getting anything done that I needed to in my life. This guy was sucking the life outta me because I had built up the expectation of him being “the one.” I failed to realize that I was overcompensating for his non-existant respect of me.
There’s also this one guy that I am friends with and his personality is kinda dry. I can’t get him to go deep in his conversations unless I ask question after question. A lot of work, right? A clear signal that he is NOT a fit for my personality. He is probably a fit for several other personalities out there but since I am aware of it, I realize that the relationship can only go so far. I have no expectations of him and have set the pace as friends.
I learn from the guys that I meet and get to know what I like and what doesn’t work for me. Tell me though, do ya’ll generally know whether a person is relationship material for you or not after the first few dates? If you are keeping it real and in the present. Or do you keep on going with the relationship even if you know that this person isn’t the right one for you?
This post is Deep!
Joyous-
David is saying to slow down, drop all the exceptions at first, listen to him, pay attention to his body-language. See if his actions or behaviors matches his words. Look beyond his looks and words.
Most of all, listen to your gut or instinct, that deep inner voice. Go with it because it’s the truth.
M
Every dog has their days. And you are forgiven we all make mistakes in life I pray all works out for you. Even I go through them myself. But life must go on. Especially when u have friends that you can turn to in time of comfort.
I have a question? I know it is not blog related but what does it mean when they say it is in his kiss what about the kiss of the woman?
Now to the blog at hand.
I have learned things from the guys in the past that I have been with. Each of them taught me something differently each time. But I found out on thing it is not all about me-me-me. If I could turn back the hands of time what would I change knowing what I know today? Well since there is still life left in me I intend on living it to the fullest. I like a challenge for I am a gambler I win some and loose. But I try and not allow the pink lense effect take place where I am making excuses for why he does certain things.
Yup, i very much agreed. Just let it flow or i would say be natural.Take thing one step at the time.
I must be the exception to the expectations/fantasies taking over my thinking in a relationship because they don’t. I think that I do fairly well taking people at face value and allowing things to unfold on their own timetable. I seem to be the commitment-phobic one but that term comes out when others reveal their own fantasy cosmos and they are surprised that I am not on the same page. How about a blog on that? Am I really that dim about others’ unspoken expectations of me? Some people assume that I have beliefs like theirs but if they never asked me what I believed, why shouldn’t it be news to them? What happened to the ‘unfolding’ part of getting to know each other? What you guys refer to as living or being in the moment…what Buddhists call ‘mindfulness.’ My best experiences come from people with a similar mindset – live and let live.
M – Flush that nasty memory of insensitive girls and equally insensitive friends who didn’t clue you in. You sound like a sane, normal guy – so re-frame the experiences. In my family, we always used two words together: young and stupid. An old boss from years ago used to say that “you don’t know what you don’t know.” At first it sounded moronic but years later, I now pass it on as well. Then there’s my favorite “Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.” And my point is? Don’t hold yourself back or beat yourself up for not knowing better when you were not old enough or experienced enough or mature enough to see the eventual end and either end it first or enjoy it while it lasted and then moving on. Forgive your teenage self and do not make the same mistake: like betting the farm on the first horse to walk out of the paddock.
Confused here. I lost my husband a while ago. Recently started speaking with an old friend online from 20 something years ago. Immediately there were this great energy constant exchanges of words that made you both smile and laugh. I was not looking for anything nor interested. He came on strong, crush on me back then, when wrote could not go to bed because he would not let me go…Got more intense and slowly I got caught into it, even tried to stop it as I felt too out of control with unresolved issues(guilt because my husband had died). He felt it was depressing that I would just give up on him without ever trying. Well I fell for him, I guess then at some point I go in retrospect too caught up in expectations. When you have lost someone if feels so good to hear all these things you miss, even about my size at 220 some does not want to travel acroos the atlantic for a date. I don’t think so, little more than that. Suddently in his words it got scary as he felt I wanted to know what he was doing and thought I was having an attitude when he did not answer. In few words he got cold feet, and from his point of view I can understand it, had similar feelings in the start as I thought he came on too fast. I was just so odd in 5 hours he went from it suck you cant be here and snuggle with me to cold feet. We live across the atlantic just to mention it. Well I got hurt had a small amount of text terrorism.(no cool I know) just for about 15 min, then realized I was out of control and cut all connections. I internalized and realized that yes I was starting to be someone I could not recognize. I am not jealous or controlling at all. What I realized that I had emotionally been so far down and was not ever aware of it, hence the erratic behavior was really more an need for some cheering up from a person that made you feel good. I cut him off Myspace and off my skype the same day which is 3 days ago, because he felt I watched him and would give him some space. I explained everything in a mail, not in a you are the love of my life kind of thing but in a more observing kind of way. Did not hear a thing. Since I did the break I emailed 3 days after, saying I could understand his feelings and that I would have run away from myself too. That I could not change what he felt for me, that I was feeling great as I felt I had come back from so deep there is only one way and that is up. Said he could mail as a friend or not did only have positive thought about him. Still have not heard from he, just don’t get the not saying anything..seems odd. I can see when I am ready, which I know I am not now,,there are some things I have to rekindle.
M:
Those two girls were bitches, I am sure there is a dictionary out there that, under “bitches”, it has their pictures:-)
It is obvious that such event (ok, traumatic event) has affected you deeply because you let it affect you. Some deep traumas in life can only be dealt with professional help. Don’t take it personally, I am suggesting it as a genuine and honest tip to help you. DW and the other coaches and all us who tend to post around here are not professionals and we can’t help everyone, sometimes there are some issues that clearly should be handled by professionals. This is an issue that David does not like to talk about but I hope he sees and clearly advises people to take it up to a professional level (Or maybe he prequalifies them on the phone and decides not to work with them if he sees such a need?).
Sandra: I do not mind seeing you post here at all like a normal person like all of us do. You know, a few posts here and there and trying to stay on topic most of the times….But you tend to monopolize the posts and fire them one after another after another after another after another…All this does is helps DW’s hit counts (hey DW, a few Sandras and you will be the most visited blog on the internet!<g), obviously it helps your psyche, and leave us shaking our heads and after the tenth back to back post within a half hour it makes us wonder what the hell is wrong with you!!!!!! So, please have mercy on us, moderation please, thank you!
And please consider starting your own blog and blog your heart out…It is very easy at blogger.com
Reversal of expectations from his being big og Cold cold feet. Can it be reversed if I want to.
Confused here. I lost my husband a while ago. Recently started speaking with an old friend online from 20 something years ago. Immediately there were this great energy constant exchanges of words that made you both smile and laugh. I was not looking for anything nor interested. He came on strong, crush on me back then, when wrote could not go to bed because he would not let me go…Got more intense and slowly I got caught into it, even tried to stop it as I felt too out of control with unresolved issues(guilt because my husband had died). He felt it was depressing that I would just give up on him without ever trying. Well I fell for him, I guess then at some point I go in retrospect too caught up in expectations. When you have lost someone if feels so good to hear all these things you miss, even about my size at 220 some does not want to travel acroos the atlantic for a date. I don’t think so, little more than that. Suddently in his words it got scary as he felt I wanted to know what he was doing and thought I was having an attitude when he did not answer. In few words he got cold feet, and from his point of view I can understand it, had similar feelings in the start as I thought he came on too fast. I was just so odd in 5 hours he went from it suck you cant be here and snuggle with me to cold feet. We live across the atlantic just to mention it. Well I got hurt had a small amount of text terrorism.(no cool I know) just for about 15 min, then realized I was out of control and cut all connections. I internalized and realized that yes I was starting to be someone I could not recognize. I am not jealous or controlling at all. What I realized that I had emotionally been so far down and was not ever aware of it, hence the erratic behavior was really more an need for some cheering up from a person that made you feel good. I cut him off Myspace and off my skype the same day which is 3 days ago, because he felt I watched him and would give him some space. I explained everything in a mail, not in a you are the love of my life kind of thing but in a more observing kind of way. Did not hear a thing. Since I did the break I emailed 3 days after, saying I could understand his feelings and that I would have run away from myself too. That I could not change what he felt for me, that I was feeling great as I felt I had come back from so deep there is only one way and that is up. Said he could mail as a friend or not did only have positive thought about him. Still have not heard from he, just don’t get the not saying anything..seems odd. I can see when I am ready, which I know I am not now,,there are some things I have to rekindle.
A good reminder, thanks David. I catch myself doing that on occasion but then remember I have what I really want already.
I’m a bit of a commitment-phobe and so is my boyfriend. Neither of us want marriage or even living together. But I do get caught up in thinking the relationship needs to move forward, when it really doesn’t and I wouldn’t like it if it did anyway. Us weirdo’s, ha.
Dan,
Thanks for the help. I was seeing a professional and she actually suggested David (long story, David already knows it). And yes, it did scar me deeply even though I know both of those girls have absolutely no effect on my adult life. I think I need to continue seeing her but I got roped into a job that has taken up 10 months of my time and while it does pay well, it is not enough to seek professional help.
I sometimes feel like I am stuck because David has been great, but you are right something is missing from his coaching and I can’t quite place it. I know its not him because he is successful and has helped lots of people, which rests the burden on my shoulders and I am too “internally blocked” to recognize what I need to change.
Mike
M – try the reframing what K said. I think you should look up techniques that will help under NLP (neuro linguistic programming). Look on youtube for some of the videos to get a gist of the techniques. There are also some classes online & live that help you unblock & be set free of those old memories. Look up tapping too — haven’t tried it but heard it works.
Expectations are something that can ruin relationships
When you put them in a fantasy box, what happens is you tend to have expectations that you think they’re something, you want them to be something, you have an expectation, which means you’re not living in the present. In order to live in the present, you really have to really start understanding that the present is all that really matters. Forget about the past. You don’t want the same girlfriends who treated the same way. You really want to really figure out what you liked about your past relationships, what you enjoyed about them, how they made you feel. You also want to start thinking to yourself what do you want to create. The old funny joke is if you combine all of your ex-girlfriends, you’d have the perfect girlfriend, so why not really figure out what you want because the more you figure out what you want, the easier it is to eliminate the people that don’t give you that. That’s a little taste of that one.
It is easy to disqualify yourself.
If you’re a guy, just act like a clingy, needny, approval seeking nice-guy wuss.
If you’re a woman, just 1) repeatedly drop the word ‘commitment’, 2) repeatedly ask “Where is this relationship going, or 3) act like an out-of-control drama queen.
As for expectations, expect nothing but a good time from one date to the next. Whatever happens, happens. Trying to force it is the best way to ensure that it doesn’t.
Allow the guy to come to his own reality and decide for himself where the relationship is in his own mind. Don’t rush into things and do what I did. I went from one marital/divorce stream after another. Then I got into my head I don’t want to see that divorce judge again for next time he sees me he will know what I want. Or know me by first name basis.
I remember my co worker asking me if I am looking for a perfect love? My answer was I am not a perfect person either why should I look fpr one?
David,
I often feel like I am not much of an authority on what I want, or appreciate in a relationship.
But I really like what you said in your last post on this topic, and I can think of a lot of the female friendships I have had and what made them special to me. Based on that, I can think of what I like. I think relationship is such a terrible word because it tries to be so many different things to so many different people. I prefer the word connection.
I already live in the moment more than anyone I’ve ever met, but I haven’t always enjoyed the moment I’ve been in. That realization came before I found your site. I have blocks and I am working through them at my own pace but everything I do reflects my joy for being a part of this world and all I want to do is give that feeling back in my work and find people who have the same drive and passion for life and the artistic pursuits we all have to celebrate that feeling.
The female friend that I was the most attracted to was in a relationship and we stopped hanging out because she realized she was developing feelings for me and it was tough on her. I just liked hanging out with her. I kept telling her that it would be awesome to meet someone like her, but single. I had no expectations but I had to tell her how I felt. My runner-up was more messed up about relationships than I was but we had a lot of fun together as friends. She wound up creating negative expectations about me that weren’t true and when she realized they weren’t true she devised a plan that she knew my values would interfer with so I had to stop associating with her.
Those two are the most recent ones and the ones that I would say reflected most about what I want with a deep connection, since both of those connections, while based around friendship were quite deep and meaningful to both of us. I used to use my fears to keep the other parts of a deep connection away from my life and moving forward I realize that I have to enjoy all of the parts of meeting someone new, even the ones that are unfamiliar and alien to me and the way I’ve lived my life.
Mike
I think in the past, I definately put people into fantasies but in my defense that is entirely how my mind works. I am always creating and part of creating for me is fantasizing. I understand it isn’t the truth now, but my work (which is speculative fantasy in nature) keeps me believing in all of my dreams. Now, I enjoy the moments but I’m afraid of the ones I haven’t experienced so I panic.
I also went through a long and difficult period of depression. This led to me creating a dual persona for a while. Sometimes I would act like a positive and focused person and other times I spent deliberately trying to sabotage all of the connections I had, friends, girlfriends, family, everything. I pulled myself slowly out of that hole (all you other depression sufferers can relate) and I have been symptom light for some time now. But another revelation would be I used to be afraid that a connection that ended would push me into a depression and I would avoid connections because I thought I was avoiding depression.
Well, funny thing about feeling depressed… It sneaks up on you and if you are afraid of it, that invites it in to your experiences. I lived with it for three years and I don’t ever want to go back. Therapy has been great to develop strategies to avoid those feelings and I feel confident moving forward but I still have associations with depression, rejection and fear that has firmly latched itself on to how I feel about connecting with someone on a deeper level.
Mike
I have developed my own notion:
Do not set self expectations, set acheivable goals.
The thing with self expectations is that they are a product of the ego and often misjudged. You weigh yourself down with expectations which in turn produce even more anxiety and fear. You become you own worst contestant.
just wanna say hello to you,my friend