I’m sitting here with Rey, and we were talking a little bit. Four years ago, Rey came to the United States from Taiwan, and as he calls it, he had to speak “Engrish” for a few years before he really learned the language.
We’re just sitting here, doing some work, and I told him that patience is everything. I told him that the reason why I am successful in life is that I’ve been patient.
I was successful business-wise when I was younger, but I was so impatient that I kept sabotaging myself along the way. When you are impatient you begin to sabotage everything you do – instead of letting things play out naturally and happen the way that they are supposed to, you force things. When you force something, you turn other people off – in both business and your personal life.
So how does this relate to dating?
I will tell you exactly how. For instance, I was supposed to have a date for lunch today. As I was driving to meet her, I was on the phone with my brother, talking about the Mets being in first place (which, by the way, is fantastic and is also about patience!)
So I was on my way there, and the woman I was supposed to meet told me that something came up at the last minute for her business and she would need to meet later on. Unfortunately, my schedule is pretty tight during the week, but I told her that was no problem at all. We texted back and forth and we set up a date for another time.
Most people would have reacted to that experience by saying, oh, what a flake – canceling at the last minute? What’s up with that?
But something came up! It’s called being understanding to other people’s needs and their lifestyles. Just because it didn’t transpire in the way you expected it to doesn’t mean that you have to react in that way. It’s not about you.
It’s all about developing patience. The more patient you are the better things are going to be for you. Something I tell anybody that I coach is that we are out there to flirt with people today and get to know people today. When we’re out meeting people today, you might find somebody that you’d like to take out today.
Or you might meet somebody that you just don’t connect with today. But if you’re patient and open, you might run into them again in a few months and they might be ready to talk.
You’re building your social network not only for today, but also for the future. As you can see, nothing is really in the past. You might think that the past is ruining your present, but it’s not.
So be patient in everything you do. If you have patience, good things will come to you – from money to love to friendship and everything else.
When Rey was speaking Engrish, he hated it and didn’t want to speak it anymore. But he was patient and by being patient, he now speaks English better than many native English speakers I’ve met!
Fridays video is all about how to become patient when meeting the opposite sex.
Time to stop the crazy pickup routines taught by nicknamed man boys.
Its time to be patient and learn some real confidence.
Hey, Dave. Something you guys could’ve had fun with in today’s video is the Owen Wilson line from You, Me and Dupree. He talked about finding your ‘ness. You know…your Daveness, your Khiemness, your Daphneeness, etc.
The topic of “being yourself” as Khiem explained it in the video really fascinates me. I myself am stuck somewhere in the middle right now. I realize the downside of gimmicks and routines… and yet I still just can’t seem to get the same sort of reactions I did when I was a dancing monkey. There’s a lot I still don’t understand about these things and still have a long way to go! Maybe this whole patience thing will help
I personally think that getting to the core of yourself or like Khiem described get to the essence of who you are is for me on the most challenging things I currently face.
Just asking myself an easy question of who am I? is just like fuck, how should I put it?
I started putting down things I love to do and things that make me personally full and happy and also things I am grateful for. I think its a good start.
I struggle with patience, its tough and I struggle with it. Need to work on it. Any tips??
Good evening everyone,
I’d like to say hello to the usual gang of suspects and introduce myself to those who have posted here but I may not have seen before. My name is Steve and I am a 30/m from Long Island. I also stutter, which has seriously impacted my social life and ability to date. But finding this blog has been a godsend. Although I still have not dated and the last time I went out and enjoyed myself was so long ago (probably when Lou Bega ruled the pop charts), I’ve learned so many invaluable things from this blog.
I find it very ironic the topic of this blog is patience. Considering that if you think about it, we live in America, aka the land of instant gratification. We want everything now. After all, we can have our meals supersized, if we want something, all we need to do is whip out the plastic and it’s ours. I also was never patient in life, especially in dating. When I was in high school, I felt like I was the only junior who wasn’t dating. I didn’t start dating until I was 21. I have no problem saying I am a late bloomer, and that’s OK. Some of us have the ability to date and relate early in life, for others, it takes a while.
I think the problem is that a lot of us live in the “win now” window. Let me explain. This is a sports analogy, but it makes sense because we can learn a lot of lessons from sports. Sometimes a team is a “win now” mode where they have a limited time to win a championship. There may be many reasons-the players are aging, the team will not have the finances to win for a few years, they can’t wait for their prospects for develop, et al. So they put their eggs in one basket and go for broke, hoping they can win it all that year. Instead of suffering through a few losing seasons and being primed to take control of the opportunities furnished to them, they gamble. Sometimes it works…nine times out of ten it doesn’t. I too used to live in this window. I wanted to have a date every weekend in my twenties, and it never materialized. I’d just spend Saturday night pulling a Jim from American Pie. And while that can be fun, eventually it wears out. I’m now more content spending my time making myself a better person. And if the right woman never comes along, so be it. There are far worse fates than being 30 and single.
The truth is, patience really does pay off. I know from first hand experience. I am active in the National Stuttering Association, which has been a godsend for me. Well, I became a chapter leader because my speech is something I am outspoken and passionate about. And much to my shock, I received the Volunteer of the Year Award 2008 at their annual conference. The person who was so frightened to take a chance in every aspect of his life finally did….and man did it ever pay off. I also think I had an older woman flirt with me, but I might have been oblivious to that….or drunk LOL.
I hope to read everyone’s comments. And by the way, David…there’s only team in New York…and they reside in the Boogie-Down Bronx HOW YOU DOIN hahaha.
-SK.
Taras,
When you go out and do your gimmicks and tricks, ask yourself: am I truly attracting her or am I just exciting her?
There’s a big difference between excitement and arousal. Getting girls excited is great in loud environments or at clubs… but it’s not long lasting. Excitement is transferable from people to people and is dependent on you being the biggest stimulus. You are competing with other stimuli in the environment (music, alcohol, other guys… etc)
Being able to arouse her because you are YOU is not transferable. It’s a skill based on your very personality. You become the source of pleasure. YOU are now the most pleasurable stimulus instead of being the loudest or biggest one.
The art of being yourself is to learn to project who you are the best way you know how. That’s where story telling comes in, that’s where learning to vibe comes in, that’s where enthusiastic delivery comes in.
I hope you can find your “Taras-ness” soon.
word Khiem, Also, besides being just you, it is also about exploring the different side of you. and it comes with time to develop the different range of character thats YOU.
Because some people don’t have different side of them, they just hide in their little shells of only one side of their character.
When it comes down to it, its about the art of developing sides of you, and uncovering your deeper core from all the conditioning that we are brought up with.
Uncovering those layers is about the hardest and, at the same time, most rewarding thing to do. When your personality shines, you are funny, confident, talkative, and in that amazing mindset, there’s nothing that beats it. It’s called being the life of the party.
I don’t have patience, I have distractions. Just give me something else to do and I’ll seem to be patient, but patience does not come easily.
Not to be to touchy feely, but to be successful while being yourself you really have to like yourself and be happy with yourself.
For years I wasn’t myself and put on the act that David speaks of. I didn’t realize it at the time but it was really due to the fact that I wasn’t happy with myself. This caused me frustrations in pretty much all aspects of my life. As I grew older, more successful in my career, more successful with women, more life experiences etc. I realized that damn.. I’m pretty darn happy with who I am. Now I don’t feel the need to impress anyone or put on that act. I’m myself all the time and make friends everywhere. For me this happened in my early 30’s, it sounds like roughly the same time frame for David. Some of you are more dialed in and will get there much younger… you bastards
, and for some they never get there. Life sure is a lot more fun when you like yourself, and people will naturally want to gravitate to you.
Thanks Khiem! I think I understand what you’re saying.
I’ll keep looking for my “Taras-ness”
I’ve got the patience part down. I had the old school Mom. Bertie never called boys. So if you’re waiting around for one to call, you’re gonna learn a lot of patience. So when we were young my friends and I went out and made our own fun. Its still about that…
Ahhh patience. Its actually one of the things I chant for in my daily practice (I’m a Buddhist!). In most aspects of my life, I can get what I want whenever I want it. However with dating? It seems that I always have to wait. Its been over 3 years since my last boyfriend (although I have been on numerous dates). Because of this, I tend to get very antsy, thinking if something doesn’t happen now it’ll never happen. But my current “dating” situation demands a different attitude.
I met a guy through my circle of friends whom I was instantly attracted to. With time, I began to see him more often and we got to know one another better. I always felt chemistry when we were together, but he never asked me out or got my number. For two months, I tried to figure out if I was crazy or if there really was something there. I’ve learned that he’s a really sweet guy; we make one another laugh and we have a lot in common. Getting to know him only convinced me that I liked him more, thus making the wait that much more painful!
He finally asked for my number a couple of weeks ago and the texting began. Nothing at all flirtatious, mind you. Just asking about one another’s day, sharing a joke or inviting one another to events. We even went out to dinner earlier this week (I evaluate restaurants for work and he invited himself to come with me). But he still hasn’t kissed me or been physical at all beyond a hug.
Frankly, its driving me nuts. *lol* But I’m trying to let things unfold as they may and enjoy the chemistry building up when we’re together. Being myself isn’t a problem; I’m pretty comfortable with who I am. I just hope that all of this patience will end in a positive result! Guess I’ll have to wait and see. Ugh
I have never subscribed to “good things come to those who wait.” I belive “good things cum to those who do!” Patience is a virtue and who the helll wants to be virtuous?!
Seriously I do understand what David’s point was. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Not everything goes according to plan. Don’t give up on people (or yourself) so easily
Jaime-
Keep in mind that you are 50% responsible for the interaction. What’s keeping you from moving it to the next level? Someones got to make the move.
And remember, no matter what the result is it’s always the best possible result.
My phone just decided 2 cut me off and submit my comment even though I was in the midst of typing. Perfect example of patience. Try having Sprint for 12 years!!!
I agree with Adam and Khiem completely. It’s all about getting 2 truly be yourself. Let your “ego” go and start making decisions that ultimately are “you.” (I HIGHLY recommend A NEW EARTH by ECKHART TOLLE) Realize you don’t know what others are thinking. They may not even realize it themselves. Once you stop perceiving things and actually explore the possibilities you will find what you are suppossed to find. This process can take years, so be patient!
Jamie
Do you think this guy knows you like him?
Or are you playing it safe and not flirting enough with him so he knows you are interested?
Think about this
Jamie
The more i read your post the more i think he thinks you are friends.
So he is waiting and hoping that you are going to give him a go sign
In my womens products i talk all about buying signals.
Signals that tell a man that you are interested.
You are not flirting and acting like a buddy so he is not going to make a move.
A lot of men will play it safe and a lot of women will as well.
Flirt!!!
haha, i feel like writing a colossal post yet again! just to try your patience ..
in short: i have learned a LOT about myself lately.. and i feel like i’m not quite there YET.. but i’m definitely getting here… i’m only 20
(i still think it’s weird and funny that i am here in norway and you guys know each other.. (atleast you live in the same country) and i keep on commenting here..
i just really like this blog!)
at work today i felt REALLY exhausted, i felt like smashing something.. it wasn’t all about being tired after a long day’s work.. i was feeling/still feel a little frustration. reason: i think too much! i think about too much too often.. my head hurts! lol.. i’ve NEVER had headaches before.. not good >.<
i’m not being patient with myself sometimes.. it exhausts you!
but about being patient. here’s another story:
he was really sweet.. and damn, so careful! he was never down right about anything.. his feelings for me, how he liked me and wanted my number etc..
i had the hugest crush (when i have a crush on a guy i act all clumsy.. as in fergie’s “clumsy” vid) on this guy in high school.. i was in my first year and he was a year older than me..second year. we got to know each other through this charity project at school (i did a lot of charity work in high school) and i fell for his kindness and shyness
i did a little chasing back and forth, but i held back sometimes so not to scare him.. because he was so shy i never knew if he really liked me (until we actually got together)
guess what: i waited a little over a year for him.. just to know how he feels about me! i know, it’s probably not the kind of patience you’re talking about in your blog, david.. hmm, maybe it is. because i never pushed him to come clean.. he did so when he felt he was ready himself. i gave him signs all the time
poor guy, i was his first crush ever!
khiem – i really got what you said in your comment, about becoming the source of pleasure ..
(sorry, it sounds a bit dirty to me right now.. i’m laughing)
powerful words! i have a question though; “let your “ego” go and start making decisions that ultimately are “you”.. ”
just out of pure interest! how do you guys define ego then?
cause i’ve had SO many discussions on this.. you know, putting yourself first in a relationship.. loving yourself etc.. SOUNDS as if it’s selfish.. and at the same time you have to let your “ego” go ?!
it sure sounds contradictory.. i know it isn’t, but i would really love to hear your explanation on that!
and jamie.. you def need to flirt!!
david’s right!
I don’t think that David is proposing that patience in the context of “good things come to those who wait.” I think the last thing David would tell anyone he coaches is to wait for people you want to meet to come to you.
I think he’s proposing that we need to continue to take action and work hard on developing the skills we want EVEN IF we don’t instantly get the results we want. So if we are learning to inititate conversation, we shouldn’t give up if the very first (or the first several) people don’t respond exactly as we would hope they would. We need to be patient enough to know that if we’re doing the right things, they WILL work if we do them consistently.
Way too many people are used to wanting (and getting) everything they want RIGHT NOW without having to work for it or to suffer any disappointment to get it along the way. Learning to be good with the opposite sex follows this same rule. We need to be patient … do what David is teaching us, and the great results WILL happen.
Wonderful website setting and highly user-friendly. Patience is a virtual nowdays. I have always lived in the fast lane, setting goals and impatiently struggling to fulfil them.
DW, u rock… Bertie (RN), how r u doing today?
Lou! Hugs!
I’m quite fine as a matter of fact Been searching around for my happy place in my soul lately, and I’m just in a nice spot right now…You know like the sweet spot on your tennis racket where you can return the impossible volley…
Hi David (and all) this is my second visit. Yep it gets addictive.
I have a special question for you, and it falls somewhere in the patience/shy/waiting catagory.
My grandaughter is 16 and way too shy. She is missing tons of stuff because she won’t ‘visit’ with many people. Let’s just say she is not outgoing in the least. Yet, she is cute, funny, lovable in her safe home enviorment. I have tried to suggest ways she can nicely flirt with boys at school, or some type of comment she can say (she answers questions-thats it-no further comments). Now the question:
Do you think someone will ever be patient enough with her to wait her out as she gets to know a boy?? It will take way more than the second or third date or call that you men talk about.
I fear she will miss out on a lot of fun if she can’t over come this.
Thanks.
Connie, she needs a speech class. I’ve always been a little disheartened by the fact that our state no longer makes it a requirement in order to pass high school. Its one of the best things that I ever did. I’m still rather quiet til I get to know someone, but I wouldn’t be in my profession or teaching others to do what I do if I hadn’t taken that class. Other than that I’d say she needs more extracurricular activities that put her in a “safe” setting where she gets to know others, and others get to know her.
Thanks for the input David, et al. A quick bit of background on me so you’ll understand where I was coming from. I tend to always get what I want, when I want it. But in dating? This attitude isn’t always such a good thing. I’d meet a guy I’d like and then rush into it head first. Every time, I’d be in a relationship with someone I either had amazing physical chemistry with, but didn’t like as a friend OR vice versa. This of course, meant a quick break up to match the quick start up. Not so good. There’s a quote somewhere that says insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting a different result. So this time, I slowed down to see how I feel about him as a person.
As for the flirting, I think I’ve been on the ball. I’m already a big-time smiler, I touch him to emphasize points and the level of teasing (but appropriate) sexual banter has increased from zero to some. *lol* I will admit that I’d been holding off a bit, because the idea of rejection does tend to scare me. But I’ve come to realize that rejection isn’t my “fault” or something I can control. He either likes me or he doesn’t, the important thing is that I like me and keep working to improve myself as a person every day. Beyond that, my gut tells me that there’s a mutual attraction between us. Enough rambling…
I love that people read other’s posts and give heartfelt replies and I thank you all for that. This blog rules!