To Be Able To Close A Woman . . . You Must First Know How To Open Her – Part I
By David Wygant
This blog was prompted by a question I was recently asked by a client during a coaching session. It’s a question men have asked me countless times: “David, how do I close a woman?” My answer is always the same: To be able to close a woman, you must first know how to open her.
Let’s say you’re in a restaurant – a sushi bar – and there are two women sitting next to where you and your friend are sitting. What most guys will do in this situation is spend the whole night trying to figure out what to say to the woman he finds attractive and how to get into a conversation with her.
Once he does get into that conversation with her, he smothers her. You know, he won’t make it casual and fun.
The key to opening a woman is understanding that you need to give a woman the best 15 to 45 seconds of you . . . and then walk away. So let’s break down this scene even more, which my client and I happened to be in by the way.
He and I were sitting in a sushi bar next to two women who were there enjoying a girls’ night out. So we opened them with casual conversation. We talked about food and about what they were ordering . . . for 30 seconds and that was it.
During that 30 seconds you speak with energy, conviction and confidence by saying something like “Hey that looks good!” or “Can I have a bite of that?” or “What are you getting?” Speak with a confident tone in your voice, not a whiny one.
So what you do is talk to her, then you ignore her. You basically turn around and continue talking to your friend. By doing that, you are building trust. You are building confidence in yourself, because if you can do it for 30 seconds now you will be able to do it for 60 seconds the next time.
Not only that – and this is really the key thing – but by the second and third time you talk to her you have become a familiar face. So then, all of a sudden, you’re not a stranger anymore. She will become very familiar and things with her will become very playful.
Women like things to be playful. That’s what happened that night. When our order arrived, one of the women asked us “What is that?” We said “It’s Yellowtail.” They said “Wow, that looks good!” At that point you can offer them a bite of your Yellowtail.
So by investing only 75¢ for an extra piece of Yellowtail for them, you get the opportunity to talk to them a little bit more about food while keeping things playful and very fun. Maybe you find out a little more about them by asking how many times they have been to that restaurant, or whatever might start the conversation again.
What happens next – and it’s not important what you say but HOW you say it – is that things stay very playful. They will get something to eat next, and it becomes like a game. Every time they have a new plate of food, you say to them “What are you eating now? What is that?”
It’s now the third time you are talking to them, and what happens psychologically is that as you have these repeated little conversations they become more familiar and you become less nervous. You start seeing them as much less intimidating and you stop being intimidated by them. You start being able to communicate better with them, because you built up your communication with them in little bursts and each conversation got longer and longer.
What you talk about also gets more and more interesting every time you do it. Now you stop talking about food, and start finding out more interesting things about them. We found out, for example, that the women were there celebrating a birthday. Then you stop talking to them again.
It was on the fourth time we talked to them that things really started to heat up. We started talking to them about image, what we did for a living, what they did for a living, where we all were from, and about relationships.
This is where things started getting deeper. This is where all the pertinent parts of a conversation that I always talk about come into play: the power of he talk / she talk, the power of asking the right personal questions, and how to get deep inside a woman.
This is really a simple kind of approach, and you haven’t done what most guys do when they go in to approach a woman. What most guys do is spend two hours trying to figure out what to say, instead of going in for the small conversations and walking away.
Every time you use small doses when initiating conversation with a woman, you are able to get more comfortable with her with each conversation. The more comfortable you are, the more comfortable she will be. It becomes a very energy-driven thing, because if you go in all nervous then she’s going to be all nervous. If you go in comfortable, then she’s going to get comfortable.
That is why I always suggest, especially in a bar/restaurant or in a coffee shop where women will be sitting down, to go in for conversation in small doses. It gives you the ability to really shine.
This is what happened that night with my client. By the fourth or fifth conversation, he was so comfortable that I was sitting there texting on my BlackBerry while he was comfortably talking to the women about his son.
They really enjoyed the conversation as well. They even mentioned how we were different from every other guy because we listened to them.
Please tune in tomorrow for Part II of this blog … and find out what happened with my client and I and these women we met in the sushi bar. Also, I will tell you the answer to the question of how you close a woman once you have mastered the skill of knowing how to open her.
I talk all about this and many other ways to open her and close her in my Mens Mastery Series to learn more click here
Todays video is part 2 of how to be outrageous when meeting women at Target.
Well David, I’m sorry to say I’m off to a really slow start. I’ve been really sick with the flu for the past week, and as a result I haven’t worked out in way too long. Unfortunately, it seems like without exception I start feeling depressed as soon as I stay physically idle. The worst part of it is that I feel as though all the momentum I had gained from the bootcamp has completely dissipated, and I am starting from square one again.
Today I made my first approach in the library of my university campus. I was so nervous that I needed to think of something to say for a few minutes before walking over to her. I also took my computer as a prop so that if I needed to I could pretend that I was also sitting down next to her to get some work done. The truth is, I didn’t really know what kind of approach I was making, and apparently neither did she. I sat down next to her and said “you look like you could use a distraction.” The problem was I said it in kind of a weak tone, and so she didn’t respond at first. I followed up with “you’re looking around left and right, no?” as I sat down the vacant chair next to her. She said she had a big assignment to do which she really didn’t want to do. I tried to keep the conversation alive by saying the first things that came to my head. I said I wanted to try the comfy chairs and switch it up a little bit to get more work done. When she didn’t respond to that, I asked if there was an outlet nearby for my computer. She said to my right, and I said “OK cool
Sean
You know weak tones do not work ever. YOu know the importance of your voice tone when you open a woman,
You need to use the power of your voice with confidence!
You also could have found out what her project was and maybe could have offered some playful tips to help her.
Its about what she is thinking not what you want to say….get her talking pick up on those portal words and get her emotions flowing.
You know this already we went through this and the flu must have worked it out of you:)
Next…..there are many others to open and have fun with.
david your a wimp dude being nervous and talking quietly is ok n girls like it many tibmes i have chick s i have met groove to this ad an hour later im riding the like a horse….boby b
Hey Sean, interesting story…I have some possible ideas for you. David can negate these if they will derail any of his teachings.
I should preface this with the fact that I work in newspapers and from time to time I do some reporting. This usually means I have to interview someone and a lot of what David advises would work really well for someone who is conducting an interview. However, with an interview you have a topic to center around. That “topic” can make it easier. (And the fact that you both know what the point of the meeting is — but I digress.)
Well, she sort of offered you a topic. She says she’s working on a big assignment — here are several possible questions that could get her talking:
What kind of assignment?
How big?
What class is the project for?
Why don’t you want to do the project?
(And I completely agree with David that playful tips to help with the project would have been great flirting.)
One of the keys to great interviewing is letting the interviewee direct the interview, but you lead it. That might be confusing, but once you get the hang of it you’ll understand. Plus, if you want to really get the scoop you have to build trust with the person you’re interviewing. Letting him or her talk (without interruping them) or asking them to elaborate makes them feel like you really care. That’s how you let them direct it.
But, once it’s your turn to talk hit your touchstone again. (That touchstone could be the interview topic or one of the things you want to know about another person.)
Drop in small emotional bits about yourself. Use empathizing language (I see what you mean, that’s a good way to look at that, etc.). This will make the person think you’re on their side (even if you aren’t) and they will be much more willing to open up.
Good body language is also important in an interview situation. Nodding a lot, leaning forward to let the person know you’re interested. Make sure not to cross your arms or legs — it makes you seem closed off. Make eye contact (at least 50% of the time) and smile.
You don’t have to smile the whole time (because if the person starts talking about death you probably don’t want a grin on your face), but its amazing what a person will tell you if you smile at him/her.
Also, don’t avoid their questions if asked. That breaks trust. I hate when I ask a guy a question and he answers it with a question — or makes me answer the question I just asked him before he answers it. But if a girl asks you a question it might be because she wants you to ask her the same question.
For example, if she asks “What kinds of things do you like to do in your spae time.” It might be because she’s really passionate about a hobby and she wants to tell you about it.
Okay, that is probably enough for the day. But I have a lot more interviewing techniques and I always get the scoop. People tell me things you wouldn’t believe (like they confess to crimes and being abused and all sorts of stuff) — even though they know I work at a newspaper.
Hey david,
.
i’m reading ur blog for sometime now, and desided to finally post something
When I first readed your post I thought well this aint gonna work in a bar/disco, cause u cant just sit next to a girl and keep asking here 30 seconds of questions and then look away again. She will probably walk away before you could go into the second 30 sec.
.
But after a little thought I figured that you have another way of doing it. As you always say you should make fun when your talking to a girl. So lets say ur in a disco with some friends, and you see a group of ladies that you like. What you could do is walk up to them and say: ‘Hey ladies! This is the first time i’m here and me and my friends were wondering what might be the best bar/disco arround here?’ They will give a reaction like, well this is a good place or what ever. After they given their anwser say thanks and say something like i’m going to discuss that with my friends. Wait for a couple of minutes while talking to your friends. And then go back to that group again this time with another question like: ‘Oke we desided to stay here, cause we think this is a fun bar. But another question apierd, we got no idea if there are any local drinks or drinks we should really have tasted here. Can you guys give us a hand with that’. Maybe you can go back for some more times, eventually the group of girls will come to you, so you wont have to walk over there all the time. Wich eventually lead up with ur friends and you talking to a group of girls, having fun
-armando
Wow, CJ, that was good!
Let me add one thing.
I’m good at listening, which includes nodding and confirming that you’re keeping up. As for romantic interactions, don’t do this confirmation too much. Absolutely, let them know you’re listening. But I fell into the trap of doing it too much, and lost that steadiness. Sometimes it’s better to just listen, look into her eyes, and be still. I’ll allow my eyes to float open a little wider. As she finishes, I’ll smile, or tilt my head, and I respond to her. I like to do this when she tells me about something she cares about – it’s one of the things I appreciate most. I’ll take it in quietly and attentively, and there’s no doubt I’m listening.
Ok, Sean, on your situation!
What popped up in my head, what I’d say to her, was this:
‘You know, you gotta go for it, or put it down and go do something else.’
Still kinda useless to her, though. Then David’s reply came and I immediatley added:
‘Let’s do something else. Tell me about your project and we’ll make fun of it for a bit. And then when you’re feeling good and inspired you get back to work.’
And then you have reason to take a piece of paper and make funny drawings of crazy ideas and twists on her project! And she can go back to work with a smile and suddenly work like a champ.
Does that make me happy?
That makes me happy.
And then of course you can go check on her progress and play with her again :]
And call her cute names ‘my little genius’ or ‘the young professor’
And tell her she’s fun (if she is) and get her number and go to sleep… yaaaawn.
“Its about what she is thinking not what you want to say.” David that was powerful to learn! I gotta keep that in mind.
Goodnight!
Cj good playful advice for Sean!! Picking a central topic and building out the conversation is great as long as Sean is activly listening and not thinking about what to say next. A common man problem is to think too much and not be present in the moment. Stay present listen and react to what she says.
Testing 123
David;
Is their any technichal difficulty on that end or is my end of the line screwed up here? My 123 posted but I am getting some weird error messages trying to post.
Tell me its just me…and I will believe it
MMMhmmmm
I am gettin a drift here Wygant master 
Ok now could you please rewrite that post in laymans terms so it can be both read and comprehended? Love the last name…seems fitting for “the ride.”
Next!!
Damn. Sighhhhhhhhhh I feel like I am stuck in the Cheech and Chong Twilight Zone here…
Sean;
You are going to be more than ok. I know that feeling that tries to devour you when you haven’t worked out for any extended period of time. 2 Days tops for me and I am in desperate need of that endorphin rush you can only acquire from a kick butt workout. Keep on keepin on!
First off let me just say that bobby, you should recant what you said about David. He is anything but a wimp, and truly a man among men.
Thanks for all your comments guys! I really appreciate your input. CJ, I like your interview suggestions about letting the interviewee direct the interview but still being the one to lead it myself. The only thing I had an issue with is when you said leaning forward will let the person know you are interested. I’ve heard from multiple sources that leaning shows too much neediness and compromises your own personal space. Showing interest is definitely important, it’s just that there are other more effective ways of accomplishing that…from what I’ve been told
.
Pete, I really liked your comment about being super playful and finding ways to make fun of the project together, and calling her fun nicknames.
What’s interesting is that I know all these concepts pretty well…I just can’t seem to be fun, energetic, and spontaneous lately. I’m somewhat of a moody person, and I seem to be going through a down wave at the moment. Hopefully it will pick up soon! Thanks again.
Sean;
“…and I seem to be going through a down wave at the moment. Hopefully it will pick up soon!”
I think there are many of us going through “down waves” where “fun and energetic and spontanious” have slowly drifted, leaving one in a riptide of confusion as to WTH is going on and where is the shoreline?!
When this happens, it is up to US, personally, to get out of that rut. You might have to make yourself do things you might, at the moment have to use all that is within you to achieve, but afterwards, you feel a little more vitality returning into your daily grind.
As the old saying goes…we have to “Get up, dust ourselves off, and get right back up on that horse and ride.”
I wish you all the luck, because once again…I know EXACTLY where you are coming from with every one of those feelings/emotions….but, I also know it doesn’t have to last. Maybe as we spring forward Sunday and lose an hour?? Things might take on a whole new light….after all it is daylight savings time
Thanks Joan, I really appreciate your words of wisdom and vote of confidence. Emotions are wonderful and mysterious things…it probably doesn’t help that depression and bipolar disorder runs in my family. But you know something? There isn’t a single person I would rather be in this world than myself.
I intend to get back on that horse Joan, and when I do, I have a suspicion that I will be a force to be reckoned with!
Sean;
Yes, I am sure you will be a force to be reconed with and then some.
I sympathize with you as well on the genes of depression. We have no bi polarity streaming through the blood line that I know of, but depression has gotten it’s foot into the perverbial door of the generations. It is a hard thing to be reconed with, especially if it really has you in its clinches.
The fact that you want to be yourself…
This is always a more than positive emotion/feeling/behavior?? whatever people want to call it.
I think you are a very great guy who has it together.
Hey, there isn’t one here who hasn’t had one at least one rough spot in life to deal with, and any were to say they hadn’t…well I would call that denial in the fullest degree.
Have a wonderful week and keep smiling!
Loved the video.
Cheers!
gardino:?
“The Best of Three Cunningless Technique”
Jiminy Crickets!!!!!! Did you write those and if not…who did? AND if you wrote those techniques…it doesn’t look like your talking enough to HAVE casual coversation…lol…which in reading them…who the hell needs to talk really?? LOL I am kidding but Wow eehemmm!
Kudos to whoever wrote these 3 “cunningless” ( I have a better fun pun word, but i won’t go there)
Absolutely perfect if executed properly… ;P
Sean, its ok to feel not social at all the times. Whats more important is are you happy? Because when you’re happy, and you project that aura, it all comes to you like magnet.
Some things I would suggest is, talk to more people around you to get in a social mood. Have fun at it, make it someones day. Update on how things goes for ya buddy:)
CJ:”People tell me things you wouldn
Yakub; AKA You Cutie
Hi you! Yes, you know things always work out sooner or later. It is just that hurry up and wait game I so hate, but it is all part of life.
How are you doing? I am telling you…I saw the group pic of you David Adrian ehemmm Bertieee??? LOL and 2 other people.
Looking at your smile and the way your face illuminates, reminds me of my 23 year old daughter. She has got the most beautiful smile, and people are always saying her face is illuminated.
I don’t know who you got your smile from, but you need to hang onto that
I think that is the life in you young uns. It is a wonderful as well as inspiring sight to behold.
Thank you for your well wishes sweety, because I know they come from the purest of heart Yakub. Take care, have fun and please…be you cause you is just fine with me and anyone else who “knows” you.
Thank you Joan, you’re the best!!
otherwise..how is things moving along your big move to Cali?
Yakub;
Well, I am working like a mad woman to get weeded out as much as possible so the move is light.
With all the mahem going on here with “IT” being a jerkosaurus, California is looking bleak right now, which is very depressing to me.
I may be moving to Dallas or further out in Austin. i do know I am not staying in this one horse hick town where everybody is related. When I came her I confused the gene pool up and now there is quite a controversary….which is ok by me
At any rate, after I get moved and settled, shortly thereafter I will be coming to Southern CA to see my mother in San Clemente. She was my sole purpose for this move, but i will still fly out often until I can move without the iron thumb. Its pretty rough to be honst sweety.
Stay young, single and having fun as long as ya can!
I still sing the theme to the “Toys R Us” commercials!
Joan, I really hope everything works out for ya the best way.
lots of love:)
Yakub;
Thank you sweety. I hope so as well. I am not giving up on my dream of being home…it may just be postponed a while longer.
lots of love to you darlin:) Whatever girl catches you is going to well pleased with the sweet, kind a caring gentleman you are Yakub.
What I think the tricky part is how to find casual conversation.
This is great.David you must have spent years studying women.David trying to saty away from those stuck up snobby girls who have that whole attitude for no reason.How can i figure out how to pick them out like the mines in minesweeper.
Sean, about the leaning in — and Pete, about nodding — (and all of the other techniques I mentioned) these are useful and usable suggestions, but nothing works every time.
Any good salesman will tell you that you have to pay attention to the person you’re selling to. You have to read them, read their body language, so that you know what will work. You can’t give the same sales pitch to everyone every time.
Heck, sometimes nodding is too much affirmation for a casual encounter. Sometimes leaning in will make a woman feel invaded. But sometimes you can lean in, nod and even do some casual touching too. It all depends on the type of lady you’re talking to, how well the convo is going and how appropriate it is to the setting.
While interviewing someone at a cafe, for example, touching comes more naturally. But, if I’m across a desk from my interviewee I can’t touch and I usually have to nod and lean in quite a bit. If you’re someplace loud you can lean in a lot, but if you lean in a lot nodding becomes weird.
I’d like to know what David thinks about leaning in. I don’t think it’s a needy move in the least. If I have laughed at a few of a guys jokes or we’ve engaged several times and I’ve touched his knee or elbow I want him to move into my space.
To me it implies desire. Now, I don’t want a guy leaning in or over me on our first talk, but throughout the conversations or encounters it should increase or I won’t really think he’s interested.
Plus, women have a much smaller personal bubble than men do and a lot of women don’t like to relate to someone outside of their personal bubble. That doesn’t mean shoulder to shoulder upon first speaking, but if a guy is too far away and not using inviting body language a lady might not even know if he’s talking to her and he’ll get ignored.
(Which, besides your weak tone Sean, might be why that girl in the library ignored your first “you look like you could use a distraction” comment. Maybe you weren’t within her bubble so she didn’t know you were talking to her. Just a possibility.)
The personal bubble thing is also different depending on how urban your area is or what the setting is. My bubble at the grocey store for example is much bigger than at a club for example. Also, a person’s bubble is often smaller when they are sitting down than when they are standing. Plus, since I live in the midwest — rather than in a highly urban area — I have a larger personal buble than someone who lives, say in LA.
David, I totally agree that a fella has to stick with the lady and respond to what she’s saying rather than drift off away into another topic. I mentioned the touchstone because I’ve had guys initiate several converstaions with me — much like you suggest — but not quite get around to what they wanted, to ask me on a date.
To get back to your “touchstone” you have to be able to segway (I don’t know how to say that word) Basically refer to what she just said to let her know you heard and understand her and then lead into what you want to talk about.
For example say you want to ask a girl on a date and she just said, “I hate Sushi.”
“Really, I’m a pretty big sushi fan. But I also love chinese food, how do you like chinese?”
“Oh, I love it”
“I think we should go get some chinese food together sometime.”
That’s just an example of how to let the lady know you heard her, but still lead the conversation.
Again, David is the expert so he can tell you if he thinks I’m wrong. I don’t know about all women, But I do know everything about a few sassy midwestern gals.
CJ,
>>But I do know everything about a few sassy midwestern gals>>>
Please tell me more about them, i am all ears. Your contribution today has exceeded excellency.
Well, thank you so much for the compliment Lou. Is there anything specific you would like to know about? It’s kind of hard to jump right into my midwestern psycie and the psycies of all of my friends without a bit more leading than that.
I can tell you that we do like to be led.
David,
What did you tell the ladies at the sushi bar what you do for a living? I’ve always been curious about that.
This blog is about how to “open her up”, but do you also teach your clients how to know when to “close it up” when a woman shows no interest? In Sean’s case I don’t think that he was off that day, I just think that the girl wasn’t interested. So, instead of him feeling like he did things wrong he just needs to know that she wasn’t interested. No response? No problem, move onto the next gal. Right?
CJ,
>>I can tell you that we do like to be led>>>Led or laid ? Tell me more along this line..Sounds interesting..I would like to read your online newspaper articles..Kindly avail me with the Link. Thks in advance.
Lou, you dirty flirt. We like to be led. Although the latter is enjoyable if done correctly as well.
I write for the features department at http://www.rapidcityjournal.com/. I also blog for them on their food and music blogs.
I have a thing about revealing my full name and location to folks I’ve never met on a blog. So I’ll leave it to you to figure out who I am at the Rapid City Journal. Do you like mysteries?
Mostly, I do page design nowadays. But when I do an interview I get the goods.
I also added more midwestern girl perspectives on David’s blog for today if you want to check it out.
CJ,
Thankx for the link, will be a regular visitor. I love mysteries bigtym, reminds me of the “hide & seek” games we played as kids. U`ve given me adequate clues to figure u out. Anyway i always enjoy yo posts so i felt like joining u at the base.
For the laid comment, looks like my brain voltage was high, happens normally mid week.
bonjour! lou…. stick to the midwestern gals… northeaster gals, are more like french and belgium, women.
cheers,
Joe
Joe,
Sounds like northeastern gals are giving u headache! Chill them & turn to midwest where the sun sets. Belgian ladies r ok as long as u dont invade “their space” & breed too much familiarity.
non Lou not a headache, i just have a hard time believing people are so scared just to have a conversation, dont know how too. it’s like being in fucking danmark (denmark)
lol
cheers,
JOe
Joe;
Good to see you here
Hows ya doin? You make me laugh, and I NEED the laughs desperately! Cheers
i’m doing well joan, i’ve been busy working work on my operetta
la poup
Joe;
Well Ooh la la!
The move? Honestly, life is one big shittin mess of confusion for me right now, but I am a strong woman, and I will come out on the bright end of the tunnel Joe.
Just feeling very down here lately, but it cannot all be good right?
well, you’ll get through joan you strong enough
cheers,
Joe
Joe:
Thank you Joe for the vote of confidence. Yes my favorite songs lately are I will survive and I’m a survivor! LOL I am kidding. hey i have to keep joking you know?
Ta hell if I am going to let shit get me down. i am going to go out tonight for the first time in forever with a group and have some laughs.
good, you i think you need that joan.
cheers,
Joe
Joe;
Yes sir…I need it more than you know. I am allowing my brains to be boggled down with things that are simply out of my hands and can only hope for the best you know?
That is “me” comin back around here! I just needed some reality smelling salts. Things happen for a reason that we may not see now….but it is saved for later.
At any rate, I am going to workout to relieve undue stress and glamour and pamper the rest of the day. WTH……I am worth it!
Thanks Joe my friend
Cheer and cheers again 