16 Online Dating Disasters Women Make
September 22, 2007 
147 Comments
16 Online Dating Disasters Women Make by David Wygant
Recently I was coaching a woman on how to write the perfect profile for her personal ad on Yahoo! Personals. So before we wrote the profile, I asked her to send me her four best pictures.
I asked her to do this because men are as visual as Scooby Doo on steroids, and the first thing they do when they see your profile online is NOT read about your trip to Italy last summer. They want to see how hot you are. Keep in mind that every man has different taste in women. What I find attractive, my friend may not find attractive at all.
So I explained this to my client, and I asked her to send me her four best pictures . . . pictures that represent who she is in her life. What she sent me is mistake #1 of the mistakes women make online. Here are the 16 biggest online dating disasters women make:
1. Stop posting four different pictures from four different stages in your life. Women will put up pictures from ten years ago along with pictures that are current. This leaves a man wonder “Who is this person?” I’ve personally looked through thousands of online profiles, and the majority of women will put up pictures from different stages of their life but not put up current pictures. All pictures that you put on an online dating profile MUST BE CURRENT!!! He’s going to find out what you look like when you meet, and there is no reason to lie about your looks. If you’re heavier than you were ten years ago, there’s nothing you can do to change that but diet. So don’t put on your profile a picture of you from ten years ago so that he will think that is what you look like. Be okay with where you are in your life.
2. Put a picture of you standing up, so he can see what you look like from head to toe. Men are visual. If you put a picture up just of your face and you’re heavier down below, then you probably won’t get a second date after you meet if you’ve not stated that in your profile and/or you’ve described yourself as “fit and trim.” Men are attracted to all different body types. Some men like ‘em skinny, some like ‘em curvy, some like ‘em chunky, some like ‘em voluptuous. You are not every man’s type and you never will be . . . so just be okay with it.
3. Don’t list your dislikes about Internet dating in bold, capital letters at the beginning of your profile. We’ve all had negative experiences online. You don’t need to list them right away, which will make you come off sounding like a nasty bitter woman. It’s better in your profile to emphasize your positive points, not your negative ones.
4. List your exact body type. It seems like on the Internet EVERYBODY is “athletic and toned, “petite,” or “fit and trim.” He will find out what you look like!! You might as well tell the truth in your profile, so you’ll have a qualified lead and not waste somebody’s time. Once again, men are very visual. We would rather know what you look like so there’s no surprises. That’s part of understanding that men are attracted to all different body types.
5. List your real age. In the world of Internet dating, it seems like there’s an abundance of 29 and 39 year-old women. “29” usually means somewhere in your 30′s. And a woman who is “39” is usually somewhere in her 40′s. I’ve seen many women list their age as 39, and then see their picture and realize they’re closer to 49. Why start a potential relationship on a lie. Men are guilty of the same thing, and I advise them the same way. So, I’m not taking the side of a man. I’m just saying it’s best to list your own age.
6. Stop putting up pictures of yourself that have ex-boyfriends in them. Also, don’t put up pictures of yourself that are cut in half because you’ve cut out the head of a guy. Get a friend to take new pictures of you and those up . . . don’t put up the ones with you and ex-boyfriends in them.
7. I’m really glad you had a great time on your vacation, but you don’t need to post ten pictures of your trip to Italy WITHOUT you in them. This is a dating site . . . not a trip advisor. Also, stop posting pictures of you skydiving, winter skiing, water skiing, or doing anything else where we can’t see what you look like in the picture. Most men are looking at the pictures to decide whether or not we want to contact you. You have to learn how to market yourself to a man. Start with the pictures, body type and the age being correct . . . then we’ll get on to reading your profile.
8. Keep your profile short and to the point. Make your paragraphs very short. I’ve seen too many women’s profiles that look like romance novels. Take a look at ESPN.com, and read an article in the sports section. All paragraphs are short so men can digest that information in short bursts. If you want him to read your profile, you need to write it so a man will read it.
9. Don’t be so self-absorbed. I’ve seen so many women’s profiles that talk about “I want a man to be this,” “I want a man to do that,” “I want a man to cherish me” “I want a man to adore me,” and whatever other “I want . . . “ applies to you. You list all your “I wants” without listing what YOU will bring to the relationship. So you end up looking like you’re a taker and not a giver. No man wants to be with a taker . . . he wants to be with someone who’s equally willing to give and to receive.
10. Don’t list your financial desires like you’re posting a want ad. I’ve seen too many women write In their profile “I’m looking for a man who will spoil me, buy me great things, and take me on great trips . . .” You come across as a gold digger. Now, maybe you are a gold digger . . . and maybe this is what you want and desire. But even a man who’s wealthy is not going to get turned on by this. So tone it down a little bit. Maybe say “I like the finer things in life to share with somebody” so you don’t come across so harsh.
11. Baby Talk! Even if the number one priority in your life is to be a mother, nothing scares a man off more than if you write in your profile about how badly you want kids and how badly you want to have a family. He may feel the same way, but by writing this all he is going to think about is “This woman will marry anybody to have kids.” So once again write something a little more toned down like “Families are important to me, and I can’t wait to meet my special man so I can start a family.” This shows you’re selective, and not just looking for someone with whom to make a kid.
12. Stop listing all your rules. Don’t write things like “A perfect first date MUST be dinner” or “The man I date HAS to wear suits.” Women tend to list rules in their profiles. Be open to a different kind of first date. Also, what about the kind of guy who wears jeans to work? I’m not making this stuff up. This is what I’ve seen Online.
13. Stop sending winks. When is the last time you went to the supermarket, saw a cute guy and winked at him? Winks went out of style when “Happy Days” went off the air. You don’t like when men send you a wink. You think it makes him seem lazy and like he didn’t read your profile. We think the same thing!! So stop winking and start typing.
14. If you write to a man and he doesn’t write you back, don’t write a nasty follow-up email and ask him why he didn’t write you back or say anything else that is not that nice. If a man doesn’t write you back, it’s the same thing as when you don’t write a man back. It means that he is not interested. Don’t get angry . . . just find another person.
15. We know you’re looking at us, because we see that you’ve viewed our profile every day. Say “hello!” We’re not going to bite. Lob that email in. Take a chance and send an email to the girl to whom you’re most attracted. You never know what might happen!
16. If a guy that you’re interested in writes to you, stop playing games and write him back right away. Don’t make him wait four days. He may find someone else in the time you wait to write him back. Don’t play games and keep the momentum going!
I have found when online dating that if you’re honest about who you are, and you get back to people immediately, you’ll get the date faster and avoid all the back and forth games that go on. Now go change that profile!!
My only comment is that women are very visual too!
Sometimes pictures that men are posting are so bad that it doesn
Something I hate about some guys’ pictures are the ones of them without a shirt on for their main picture. C’mon, guys, have a little class…what you show me is you have a lot of class, it’s just all low. PIctures of guys lifting weights are also not so impressive in my book. Just show me approximately what I will see when I meet you in person.
What Mel? They don’t show up without their shirts on? or their dumbells?
Other than a man being able to hold a conversation I’m not at all demanding. I mean I’m still just enjoying meeting them. There are a few other things I require but I don’t mention them in the profile. I find out in the first email or so.
David did you write number 14 because it is something men do? Or you’ve seen it from a lot of women?
I have to tell you that since I’ve been online dating, I get the nasty grams about once a week and sometimes its not because I’m not interested. I had this one guy write to me on a day that I was doing a 48 hour on call and was busy flying everywhere in the Pacific Northwest. By the time I got some sleep and actually had a few minutes I checked the mail and had a nasty gram from him because I had not answered within 24 hours.
Well, alrighty then. I’m hitting myspace profile with a big broom. But am only willing to clean up some “details”; just noticed my current body type isn’t listed and I thought it was. I never lie about my age cuz to me its only a number.
I’ve put a current photo of me as the display/default pic but you wanna know the truth? I don’t like the way it messes with the dark fantasy atomospheric look of my layout. Sorry, I’m just not Gothic enough. Maybe at Samhain and I “dress up”.
What I’m into is there, if whomever checks out my profile is into the same thing, then I’m open to accepting a Friends Request. But ya know what I’ve found out? For a lot of myspacers getting a “friend” is all about body count, and that ain’t me. They/I approve the FR and then … zip nada nothing 0 … from them. I reach out and touch them thru cyberspace and get nothing back, so I delete them. So, is that improper cyber etiquette too?
Most of the friends I have are bands, musicians and artists because that all means something to me. I am honored to display them though I know it’s good for their “business”. And I don’t mind that either.
You are right David, I do have photos there I shouldn’t have …. I also have Native American, Zen, Hindu and Fantasy artwork that I dig; all a reflection of the who that I am. Anything wrong with that?
The good news is I do have photos of me doing what I enjoy and in some of the places I’ve been. Which was difficult for me to find of just me cuz hey, I was with someone for 16 years …
I am very grateful for everything you give freely. Thank you for these tips.
Hi, everybody-
I just found this site a couple of days ago, and now I’m surprised to find myself responding to a blog by a “dating coach.” Two things unique to this site brought me here: the rings-true authenticity of David’s advice and the quality of the responses by both the men and the women. Oh, and after checking through past blogs, I have to single out the guest posts by Desperate Housewife. Wow! I feel you, Girl. Or maybe I should say, “I’d like to feel you!” Good grief, did my imagination get a workout. I had to stop reading and close my eyes for a while…ahem.
Okay, with that out of the way, I have a couple of comments on today’s blog. As a guy who has checked out the W4M section of Craig’s List from time to time over the past five years, I pretty much agree with David about what works (or doesn’t) for me, but for some reason, here in the S.F. Bay Area, I haven’t personally seen too many of the problems that David mentions, and I’ve never received a nasty e-mail from a woman. Maybe it’s because I just look at the 45-and-older ads. Oh, and it’s also unusual for a woman to put her picture in the Craig’s List ads here.
The points that particularly resonate with me however, are numbers 8, the romantic novel in one long paragraph syndrome (this is actually two separate problems), and numbers 9 and 10, which I think are part of the same self-centered issue, and are a real turn-off for me.
Another pet peeve of mine are the ads that are so over-the-top, self-aggrandizing that they sound like a competitive challenge. I don’t want to compete with my girlfriend; I want to enjoy things with her. I realize that these ads may appeal to competitive men, but if that’s all you get in response, don’t complain.
The ads that do get me going are the ones that tell me what the woman enjoys and that include little details about her daily life. Maybe she enjoys lazy Sunday mornings with some bagels, coffee, and the New York Times; maybe a scene in a recent movie really got her thinking; maybe she likes puns (hey, Joan!). If you giive me scenario in which I can imagine myself being there with you–maybe opening a picnic basket with some focaccia bread and a nice Chianti at the beach, I’m much more likely to respond. Or how about asking for advice about fixing a leaky toilet? Men love the chance to be a hero. Stuff like that, you know?
Anyway, big ups to everyone here for making this an appealing place to visit. I’m looking forward to the conversations.
BobM,
Welcome to the blog!
Thanks, Jessica.
The title should be rewritten to include men as well! When looking at men’s pictures posted a person can tell they are old photos. As a woman who will only meet them as they are now, I don’t care what they looked like 5-10 y.a.. They also post tons of group shots leaving the viewer confused as to which one they are in the picture. And talk about scenery pictures…gee wiz!
Last of the pet peeves is that MEN seem to forget to whom they have sent “winks” or messages. I’ve been emailed & winked at more than 3 times by more than 4 different people. This is after having replied in a very direct manner.
I think there needs to be the next evolution of modern dating. No more bars, movement away from the Internet, and maybe back to a face to face interaction similar to speed dating.
Oh, and the biggest pet peeve of all…are all those men taking shirtless photos of themselves with their cell phones in the bathroom mirror. It just screams lonley freak!
I don’t believe in online dating for all the reasons you mentioned and for many more. I’ve never seen an enviable or attractive relationship/marriage that was created via the internet. Many of the same people stay on the net searching for years and years and for good reason as they are usually undateable, unstable and have reams of things to work on before they should even be contemplating a relationship.
There is a huge intellectual and physical gap that occurs regarding expectation and reality. For safe, casual sex perhaps but most people searching for a real lasting relationship who have to go online would be better off on an online community like Tribe.net where people can at first share their personal interests and relate to others without dating as the initial intent. Then you can at least see how someone relates not just as potential mate but as friend and with others.
Internet dating is just for visual kicks because there are photos and people are putting themselves out there beyond that it’s 100% unromantic.
I’m sorry but I have to disagree, Super Amanda. I know several people that have met their spouses through the internet and are still going strong. I think it is foolish to just assume I’m going to meet someone who I will eventually marry in this way, but I wouldn’t just cross it off the realm of possibility, either. I hate to admit it, having a really hard time accepting it, but the truth is, I am a 49 year old woman and meeting guys in bars is just not too viable an option these days (except the cute 22 year old I danced with last weekend, but that’s another story). I just don’t really know how else to meet people these days. Most of my friends, or their friends are married, so it is hard to rely on introductions. I am contemplating whether or not to re-up my match subscription that is expiring this week. I have a real hard time spending money on internet dating, but then again, I have seen some really odd strange people on the free sites such as singles.net and plenty of fish. They are on the paid sites, too, but there is that you get what you pay for thing, too.
Bertie…thanks for the lol! I think what you have said about friends w/ benefits is totally valid the more I continue. I pretty much recognize that I probably shouldn’t be in a relationship yet, but I miss hanging with a guy and having someone to have fun, safe sex with and damn it I want to be emotional about it, too. Oh wait, that’s no longer casual then, is it. I’m sooooo confused!!!!!
Bertie’s definition of friends with benefits.
Meet a nice man. Hang out with him, have a good time, sometimes he pays, sometimes you do, you have hot, sweaty, wild, monkey sex, but you aren’t expecting anything other than he plays safe with others. I have a great friend in Shawn, who finally met his little red-haired girl to whom he is faithful. We used to have a lot of fun, but he is just in a way different spot than I am. He is 38 or so now and is doing a lot of starting over, but not in the relationship category. He’s never been married. I’ve never really wanted anything more from him than his friendship and good times. They just don’t include wild monkey sex anymore. No worries. It is really not such a bad place to be.
Hi this Is Elizabeth I have been chatting with a guy that I have never met.He and I have talked on the phone and online.He has spoken with my daughter and my best friend.This March made a year that we have been speaking.There have been a few holidays he was not available,we have made plans to meet twice but when It came down to It no show.three days ago he told me that he thought we should go our seperate ways,he said I will miss you and im sorry It didnot workout.I asked him at the beginning if he became Interested In someone else to let me know not to do exactly what he did ,say nothing.I asked him for a reason but no reply.It turned out just like I thought It would.Im convinced there has been someone else all alongI felt used and played and lied to.This Is a hard lesson to learn.
Dating, online or otherwise, is a waste of time and energy. Women have been outmoded by internet porn anyway.
BobM;
lol Welcome to the blog world here.
I am glad you like the writings.
So, which one has got you so hot and bothered here?
It turns me on to think I can stimulate a man through something I write, or perform as per the writing. lol I only write from experience.
I love your scenario of the picnicing at the beach. Maybe at dusk with a painted sunset? I think the beach is a very sensual setting for a date. Take a blanket, picnic basket and a desire to be pleasured.
The sound of the waves lapping up at low tide, a moon for just enough light to see by and a pair of sexy arms and lips ready for the caressing…mmmmm! That is the priceless place setting for a night to be remembered. Yummmmmy;)
BTW—I have a leak around my garbage disposal. You want to be my hero and cum fix that up for me??mmm
You know Bustya, that hasn’t been my experience with men.
Oh poor Bustya …. you read like you speak from experience? Must be lonely just you, Willie and your hand jive….
Hey BobM … welcome and I hope you have a ball or two here! Don’t forget your big wrench!
Okay, I’m off for some Football, Bloody Mary’s, Eggs Benedicks and Tight Ends …
Happy Sunday Everybody!
DH-
Thanks for the kind words. To answer some of your questions, the first one that got me going was your description of how to go down on a woman. It was so easy to imagine my partner losing control, letting out little grunts and gasps, pressing against me with that involuntary urgency, and going into spasms. Then I read your description of going down on a man, and it was all over.
Yeah, the beach is great, and I love the picture you paint. One my hottest dates ever was on the beach south of Half Moon Bay, where it’s kind of windy. This was before we were intimate. We found a sheltered, secluded place, spread out our blanket, and fed each other little snacks of cherry tomatoes, orange slices, and some grapes. Then we started to kiss. Soon, we were all over each other–long, slow kisses, heavy breathing, lots of touching, and even dry humping (for the first time in more than twenty years!). We talked about it for months afterwards.
Oh, and yeah, I’d be happy to take care of your plumbing.
Taleda-
Hi, there. You help make this place fun. And I always pack my big wrench.
Elizabeth-
Damn, that’s a shame. It pisses me off when men don’t man up and act responsibly. It just makes things harder for all of us.
Brenda-
I agree with you about the men’s ads. As a whole, they’re far worse than the women’s.
Super Amanda-
I understand what you’re saying, but a friend of mine married a woman he met on Craig’s List (although it took a while before they admitted that’s how they met). Also, over the last five years, I’ve met maybe ten women through CL, nearly all of them good and decent, although I only saw two of them more than three times. One for about four months. The other, we didn’t develop a romance, but became friends, and now, more than a year later, I’m helping her learn to play chess.
In short, I think it’s best to approach online dating with modest expectations, not depending on it to provide all your social interaction, but don’t rule it out either.
Bustya-
Your past experience doesn’t have to dictate your future reality. Approach things with a positive attitude, and it’ll pay off.
BobM;
MMMMMMMM love that description of the beach date. That is the essence of perfection. You are hot! Yummy;) Dry humping I haven’t done, much less the other, but it sounds simply like the ultimate fantasy. Thanks for todays mental picture of pleasure:)
DH-
You’re welcome–glad I could reciprocate. And you’re certainly no slouch when it comes to caloric output.
My problem is that my past experiences includes 10 years of marriage which ended exactly 1 year and 10 days ago (practically ended, we’re separated). I still love my estranged wife even though I should hate her guts.
My family and friends urge me to date, but I’m not interested in investing any time, effort, or feelings in anyone. And as far as online dating… I’m more apt to believing in wrestling than the jive women put on their profiles.
And sex? My sex drive has diminished to the point that ‘getting off’ is more like changing the oil in my car… something I do ever so often and not because I enjoy doing it.
So in conclusion, I’m an island, and I’ve got to tell you, it very empowering not needing women. It just is.
BobM;
Mhmm. Yes thank you. I think you lost me on this statement;
“And you
DH
How’s this? When it comes to creating heat, you set a high standard!
Bustya, you are still raw with emotional shell-shock. If you are still counting days, no wonder you are so negative about the online dating world. You are not ready (and may not be for a while). Regardless of what your friends and family tell you, you can only do things in YOUR time frame, and when the time comes, you will know. Sorry you are hurting so badly. My ex still feels the same about me, and after three plus years of separation, been divorced 18 months of that, he still has not dated, with one exception. Personally, I think that if he would start to date he would begin to let go of some of the feelings that remain for me.
BobM;
Ok. Thats hot! lol, no pun intended
I do live a little on the overheated side of life!
Bustya-
I visited your site, and I’ve been debating about responding to what you said here. But after reading Mel’s thoughtful response, I decided to give it a shot.
Basically, if your site reflects the attitude you carry around with you, I think you’re right not to date for a while. If you want to talk further, I’d be happy to take it up with you, but I think it would be best to have the discussion on your site.
DH, you make me think we should all have as much fun as you do.
BobM;
How
Hey, Girl-
I knew I was in for some serious shit when I saw that smoky look in your eyes as you were taking off my shirt. The blindfold made me feel a little tingly, and when I felt where the hot wax was going, I got a little nervous, but then the contrast between your nails and lips traveling over my body made me start to squirm, and I could feel that telltale stirring.
Our lips met, lightly and tentatively at first, and then the tips of our tongues. I could feel your heat as our kiss grew more passionate. I pulled you tightly against me, feeling your nipples press against my chest, and I could hear those sounds in your throat as I moved my left hand down inside your thigh…
Whew, I’d better check myself before I wreck myself! Thanks for the You Tube link, That was a great strip. Have you heard the original version of the song by Randy Newman? It’s on his Sail Away album and has Ry Cooder playing bottleneck guitar. I love it because it sounds so nasty, if not downright perverted.
This was great fun, DH. Thanks for inviting into your pleasure palace. I know I’ll sleep well, and I’ll talk to you again soon.
BobM;
MMM Very nice return on that passion play. Very sexy indeed.
I haven’t heard the original of that song, but will surely seek it out just for curiousity sake;)
I am glad you will sleep well. I would hope for that after such a strenuous sexual fantasy.
I look forward to our next “encounter.”;)
Bustya,
I too had the Springeresque last year of marriage in a twenty year marriage. Its full of dirty little secrets. Of two people picking fights with their respective spouses in order to justify their liason. Most of their vile machinizations were directed at me. Suffice it to say, that during the last two months of marriage, I was on every very potent anti-anxiety agent just to remain functional. What he never knew was the constant state of panice he left the kids and I in. I had all of my kids ranging in age from 14 to 18 telling me to leave their father. We finally separated in January of 2005. He is now happily remarried or so I hope anyway. Her former spouse married an old friend who had been waiting in the wings since his first divorce. I’m very happily single and have done a lot of healing since then. Don’t miss that situation at all and don’t care to repeat it. As for online dating, I’m not having a bad time with it or being divorced. The only sad thing is when you go to friends bbqs, I end up sitting with the kids because most people are married and no matter what I do, other people are going to see me as being on the make for their man. Fortunately that only happens on major holidays and the kids and I share some pretty good times.
Mel, I’m not really counting days, it happened exactly a week after my birthday, kind of hard to forget that. And I really don’t want to tell my whole horrible story, but let’s just say Jerry Springer would be shocked, seriously. She didn’t just end our marriage, she destroyed it, and ours wasn’t the only one. And the kids hurt in this whole mess, believe me if you knew you’d be just as disgusted with relationships too.
And about moving on… tell me, would you feel reaffirmed that it was “the right decision” if he did move on and fell in love and had a wonderful life? That’s exactly the message I DON’T want to send to her. In my case, the pursuit of happiness is out the window. My life (or whats left of it) has found a new meaning, and that is to constantly remind her that she is [all the bad words I'm not going to use here].
And just because I still love her doesn’t mean I’d take her back, although I’d wish she’d ask so I could laugh in her face.
BobM,
Thanks for visiting the site, I’m sure you had a visceral response to it, most folks do. But it’s fiction, it’s a satire of pop culture not a reflection of my relationship. Though, I’d be lying if I said my breakup didn’t contribute to the maleficence of Bustya. His “voice” has taken a darker tone this past year, but I’ve been using the nom de plume since 2002.
Bustya isn’t my only pen name but he has become my dominant one. I use to write erotica under another name but that voice pretty much died with my libido. I’m just not in the mood anymore.
And just in case you’re wondering, I’m not in character now. What I’ve shared here is unfortunately true.
But back to the subject of online dating. Bob, aren’t you just a bit disenchanted by the barrage of insincerity involved in this industry? I mean, do women really do this? It looks like nothing but spam and wishful thinking from where I sit. Is that not your experience?
Here’s a link to the Randy Newman version with most of the same video, DH. Funny, it’s been flagged and put in the adult section even though it’s less graphic than the Joe Cocker version.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ExLH8V5BOfs
GOOD MORNING BLOG HEADS!!!
Hey BobM and DH … all I gotta say is WHEW … you both got me in a hot sweat that only a cool shower cured, thank you very much. Didn’t sleep for shit!!!! Double Thanks! Now this is what I’d call Online HookUp Success …. Hey D A V I D …. got a Blog for that??
I feel your pain Bustya – sorry I was nasty in my first hit on you … wherever it was, I can’t remember now, had something to do with slamming women and porn websites. Anyways, just a couple of tidbits, if they will help you thru, cool, if not now, maybe later?
1. LIVING A GOOD LIFE IS THE BEST REVENGE. Get it on Baby.
2. KARMA – it finds everybody and has its own way of sorting things out and getting Balance.
3. THE ENERGY you put out into the Universe comes back to you, sometimes more powerful, so be CAREFUL. If you’re doing negative – uh oh, but if you’re doing Positive – hello!
4. Been here done that – ugly vile disgusting … read around these blogs and you’ll get my story. Purge your emotions is like puking up something poison – it hurts like Hell but afterwards, you sure feel a heck of a lot lighter.
I am a Woman, but I have a heart, if you wanna spew your shit, I’m available, doubt it will be anything I haven’t heard, seen or felt, and I can now take a lot. Bring it on.
Now, to see what other juicy tidbits are floating around. And where the HELL is Faryn?
David,
I agree with your post. I like how your blogs follow a theme carrying on from past blogs. Do you have a map of the next 30 blogs or do you develop your next blog based on current input?
Super amanda,
Dang girl! By saying online dating sucks/doesnt work etc and not using it you are affectively removing a tool out of your tool box. In this world of dating meeting people of varied likes and dislikes opens us up to different possibilities. What are your options? You can meet someone at work ( we do spend, well most of us, the majority of our time, there) you can meet someone through your other social places (church, kids activities, bars or other places you hang out at) through family or friends (there is always someone who knows the perfect man or woman for you). Online is jus another avenue. Trust me, people at work, at the bars, and those that your friends set up up with may have the same human frailties as the people you meet online.
Elizabeth!! Wow, um, I read in your post about the man you chatted with for a year your “love” for him. Until you meet someone for real, in person, probably a few times, just count them as 1/2 fantasy. Just to keep it straight in your own mind. Some will be all “real” and completely NO BS, but a YEAR and you hadn’t met. That’s a long time. Probably a good blog for David would be how long should you wait until you meet? I think there is a fine line between waiting too long and not long enough. The not long enough gives you more time to weed out the people you really dont want to meet.
Bustya-
First, I’m glad to hear that the persona on your site is a character that you can discard.
To answer your question about insincerity, I have to say I haven’t really encountered it. The women I’ve met have been sincere and thoughtful. But I think two things contribute to this. I’m pretty selective in the ads I respond to (haven’t posted my own ads), and I don’t put myself in a position to be exploited in any way, beyond paying for something like a dinner or snack, until I’ve talked with the woman in person for a while and had a chance to check out the chemistry or lack of it.
Also, I don’t know how old you are (I’m guessing in your thirties), but I haven’t gone out with anyone I’ve met online who’s younger than 47. I think by that age a greater percentage of people, both men and women, have figured out how to approach relationships, and they’re more straight ahead.
BobM;
Thank you for the link. His singing is definitely more seductive than the Joe Cocker version.
So, did you sleep well;)?
Darik
I create the blogs as I feel them.
I dont map it out at all…..I just think about what is funny or needed and I just create them as I see them.
I have a ton of ideas and I work with clients every day and I read all my own emails to keep a pulse on everything.
And as always if you ever have a topic you want me to blog about let me know!
taleda
i can do a blog on that
David, I have two for you:
1. OnLine Dating Successes
And now that you’ve done the “did you cum” for women and how we like it, I’d REALLY like to read what gets the guys warm, hot, up and cuming.
2. I Wanna Make You Cum
I know I don’t know enough about what men want, desire and need, so Gentlemen, what say you? A BLOG just for you about you?
Thank you David!
Taleda
I will put those on the list.
Bob
I did a great blog called Bring Back Dry Humping.
Run a search on my site and you will laugh when you read it.
I was gonna mention something about Dry Humpin … That sure takes me back …. Haven’t heard of that, done that, or known anybody who did since High School!
I will be digging into the past Blogs for that!
Hey BobM, I’m very familiar with the CA coastline, especially Half Moon Bay and the Northern little hamlets across the SF Bay, starting with Bodega. Had many many sweet interludes in out of the way coves on cold, hard packed wet sand … listening to the ocean, smelling the spindrift, feeling the caress of the coastal breezes. There’s nothing like it.
Being here in Sin City, I’m drying up. I miss my Ocean like a sponge in the desert ….
Memories just eat me up, so I’m not going there in my mind anymore, not today anyway.
This is late and people may not see this but I have to object to number 13 about not winking. Many of the women I have met online have been because they either winked at me or returned my wink. I will ALWAYS message a woman winks at me if I am interested, and I sure I’m not alone in this thinking. I’d LOVE to see women start emailing first, but we all know that just ain’t gonna happen. I think it has happened to me exactly one time.
Without winking, you are just firing off random emails and your chances of success are far lower. Maybe it’s because my profile or messages are lacking something, but my success rate with cold emailing has been abysmal. Even after they wink at you, sometimes my message will get no response. Girls that use online dating tend to be EXTREMELY flaky, and I really think that real life is a far better way to meet people.
DH- I slept great, if you know what I mean and I think you do–thank you very much. Since you like that version of “You Can Leave Your Hat On”, you should check out his “Sail Away” CD. Not only is he a brilliant songwriter, there’s some great musicianship that doesn’t come across on computer speakers.
Taleda- I’m glad you enjoyed DH’s and my little session. It was the first time I’ve ever done anything like that, let alone publicly, and now I’m actually feeling just a tiny bit self conscious (but not too much) that there were witnesses. Sorry for the collateral damage to your night’s sleep. About dry humping–you know after I wrote that, I stopped to figure it out, and I realized that it had actually been more like thirty years, before I was married, since I had done it. And I feel for you there in Sin City, my desert sponge. There’s something about being dwarfed by the vastness and timelessness of the ocean that makes me feel at peace with the universe.
David–Thanks for the tip, but I had already read your blog about the subject, and I was mentally tipping my hat to you as I wrote it.
BobM;
lol Yes, I know where you are with that statement. I am sorry that you feel self conscious or uncomfortable. That was not my intention at all.
Hey, maybe somebody picked up a few sexy tips to enhance their sexual encounters?
I will check out that CD. His presentation was one of a more seductive tone definitely.
DH- No worries. As far as I’m concerned, there’s always room for personal growth, so to speak, and I was definitely growing.
Thanks Bob
BobM
I am always happy to assist in ones growth process.:)
Bustya,
I understand you don’t want anything to do with dating, as you have been separated for a short time. It takes time to get past what someone we care about does to hurt us. One thing to keep in mind is that when you allow your ex to upset you still, you give her control over you. Once you let go of that anger and move on (I am not saying it will happen over night), you will feel so much more relieved and have a different perspective.
It took me 6 years to let go of my ex-husband and the hurt he put me through. It took me an additional 3 years to want to be in a serious relationship again. I have been separated/divorced from my ex for a total of 11 years now. A broken heart takes time to heal, some heal faster than others. Either way, you shouldn’t give her that type of control any more, because you deserve to be happy, whether that is with someone or not.
DH-
Doh! I had a Homer Simpson moment and didn’t understand what you meant at first. I’ve finally figured out that you wanted me to post on this blog’s comments. So for your convenience, I’ve copied and pasted my original response to the the one where you called me out. See below
Okay DH, you personal growth freak, you. I
Kelly P.
I read your comments on the other blog about online dating, and I think you’re wise beyond your years. I love your compassionate, considered responses to what could be inflammatory remarks. It just confirms my opinion that there are some remarkably smart people here.;;;
BobM
I am on fire so you better quench my flame! Let everything else burn, just don’t stop now lest I perish!!
DH-You lift my shirt up, your hands caressing my chest as our lips find each other again. Our tongues grind against each other in a sensuous dance. Then you smile at me, take off my shirt, and plant your lips on my nipple. I feel a current run through my body as you alternately suck on it and lick it teasingly with your tongue.
I ease you onto the bed, slip off your shoes, and grab some pillows to put under your shoulders. I lean over to kiss you, and you pull me tightly to you. Now I’m on top of you, getting hotter by the second as I feel your hips moving, pressing against me. I reach down and slip my hand inside your pants, eager to explore. Our eyes meet, and we connect. Without words, we both know we’re about to burn this experience into our memories forever…to be continued
[DH, it kills me because I'm getting into it, if you can't tell, and I hate to do this to you (and I would never do it in real life), but I'm going to have to stop and continue this later. Maybe I can pick it up around lunchtime.]
BobM;
Ahem. Well, I am laid out and speechless. You are going wherever with a woody! lol
Ok. Bythe time you get back, I will have cleaned my keyboard of the drooling affect this has on me. LOL
Good Lord. Where have YOU been all my life? This is fantasy island for sure. Tell the boss, “the plane the plane…forget the plane!” I don’t want to leave this fantasy.
Afternoon delight you say? Hmmm Best lunchever!
DH- Your, shall we say, enthusiastic reviews are an inspiration and a tremendous turn-on, to say the least. Okay, so where was I? Oh, yeah…
You unbutton your pants and I start to slip them off. You lift your hips to make it easier, but you have to kick them off because I’ve suddenly been distracted by the way the lace along the top of your black panties plunges toward that wonderful destination between your legs. I admire the way it rests so lightly on your skin.
I look at your face and see your eyes half-closed, your head back and your lips parted, in anticipation of what will happen next. I brush the back of my hand against the inside of your right thigh, almost to the top, and I hesitate for a second. I’m tempted to part those lips and slip my finger inside you. But I’m feeling evil, and instead, my hand slides down your other thigh, barely touching it. You twist your hips and raise them toward me, presenting an obvious target, but I pretend not to notice. Instead, I lean over and trace a widening circle around your navel with my tongue.
By now, I can feel that frustration building in you, and you push my head down lower, implicitly demanding I redirect my attention. But I’m going to make you wait a little longer. I pull the top of your panties down, exposing the skin at the top of your thigh, and I kiss it lightly. I hear an almost inaudible moan from you, as my tongue continues along the path toward those lips that we both love so much.
Your hips are moving now in a slow circle, pressing against my face, your lips searching for my tongue. I raise my head and look at you. Your eyes are closed, but when you realize I’ve stopped, you open them to see what’s happened. I smile at you, and you’re onto my teasing game, but you aren’t having it, and you’re not in a mood to wait any longer. You promptly push my head back down between your legs, and now I can’t wait any longer either.
I try to lick your lips lightly with the tip of my tongue, but it’s difficult because you’re trying so hard to press them against my mouth. I realize it’s time to get on with it, and as you raise your hips again, I spread your lips and insert a finger inside. My tongue finds and caresses the hood that covers your sexual nerve center. It doesn’t surprise me that my finger slips into you so easily, and the warmth and moisture it finds turn me on even more.
[To be continued]
Sorry, girl. I’ll try to finish this later today. It’s taking a little longer than I thought–not that that’s a bad thing. Enjoy your lunch, if you know what I mean and I think you do. I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do in the meantime.
BobM;
OMG!!!!!!!!!!! my eyes are so heavy I can barely type here. It is like haleys comet that I would be speechless..a rare happening, but I think the comet is ready to explode!
Water. I need water. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS Ok If this were a real life happenstance, yea, you wouldn’t be leaving for mmm two days! Good Lord help me come back to this planetary system! i think I see the craters in the moon. You have flown me to the moon!
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! FRUSTRATION indeed!
DH, I have to laugh. The way the “mmmmmm’s” run off the page it really looks like you’ve gone into orbit and beyond. I love it! What a turn-on!
*********************************************
…Your hips are moving around so much now that I’m suddenly aware i never finished taking off your panties, because they’re really, really in the way. On top of that, I need to come up for a little air. I experience a momentary flash of irritation as I struggle for a second to get them all the way off, but that passes quickly because now I’m facing you, kneeling on the bed, and your legs are resting, if you can all it that, on my shoulders, straddling my head.
I grab your ankles and hold them still as I go back to teasing you, licking the inside of one leg from the ankle to the top of your inner thigh. I pause for a moment to kiss your perineum, and then I proceed down the other leg, alternating kisses and caresses with my tongue, until I reach your other ankle.. Again, I hear the “mmmmm” escape your lips, but now it has a more plaintive sound as you cup my face in your hands and guide it gently back to where it belongs. I lean over you and extend my tongue, just out of your reach, forcing you to lift your hips higher to meet it. I part the lips of your pussy with a quick, tantalizing flick of my tongue-once, twice, three times.
Before I can do it again, you grab the back of my neck and push my mouth against you as you thrust your hips toward me. I can feel the distinctive hardness of your clit as my tongue travels up one side and down the other. I slip two fingers into you and move them in a circle against the front wall of your pussy, just a short distance inside it, concentrating on an area where the skins feels a little rough.
I’m aware of the growing urgency driving the rhythmic motion of your hips. I continue to lick the sides of your shaft as I put one hand under your hips, and with the palm of the other, I gently trace a circular motion over your nipple, barely grazing it. More sounds from you, and now I squeeze it between the sides of my middle and ring fingers, making you breathe in sharply.
I glide my hand back down from your breast to your pussy, spread your lips, and gently pull back the skin around that magic button. I pause for a second to look at it, and I hear an almost-suppressed whimper from you. I put my lips on it and suck gently as I barely touch it with my tongue. Suddenly, I hear a guttural “nnnggghhhh” through clenched teeth. You’re trying to hold on because you’re not quite ready to let go. You want that anticipation to last just a little longer.
Then, it’s all too much. You feel like you’re about to pass out as the waves of sensation wash over you, and the strange, animal noises escaping from somewhere deep within surprise you. You wonder if you’ll survive this plunge into the unknown. You scream as your hips thrash wildly, and I can feel the muscle spasms deep inside you. You can’t take it any more, and you have to push my head away because the sensation is just too intense.
We collapse in each other’s arms, gasping for air, and we hug each other tightly, trying to make our bodies fuse together with the heat and touch everywhere at once, overwhelmed and unable to speak…
[To be continued]
More later. Keep those comments commmmmming, girl!
Its time for some people on this blog to get a room!!! Do you guys even know what each other looks like?
Ladies and Gentlemen … This particular blog, “16 Online Dating Disasters Women Make” has left the building!!
This ain’t no disaster DH and BobM, it’s fantastic!
May I suggest you get a room somewhere, anywhere, spend … I dunno, about a week together, and then let us know the outcum?
Love to you both …
oops … sorry David for repeating you, i just jumped in and posted without reading further.
looks schmooks .. who cares! they are having FUN and are so into each other, i think its called chemistry, i doubt either cares what the other looks like.
i say go on with yourselves and have a good time, there is so little of that everywhere and i for one am getting a kick out of the tenderness and sensuality portrayed by both these fine human beings. kudos!!
BobM
Ok. My goodness. How did all this heat get generated here???????
Yea, this is some private stuff here. I have never done 1/2 of this in private that I remember?
OK I need to go to the gym and work out BIG TIME!!!
I don’t have to work to get the heart rate up. I think that has been well established. Whew my.
I would hope you don’t really leave your partner so much?? That would be torture treatment Bob.
Oops, suddenly, we have company. Hi, folks. Sorry if we made anyone uncomfortable. Taleda, I appreciate your comments. You’re really sweet. David, I haven’t the foggiest notion of what DH looks like, and I had no contact with her of any kind before this blog appeared. Our entire interaction is right here, and as Taleda put it so articulately, “looks, shmooks.”
DH, I love your innocent-sounding question. You couldn’t have had anything to do with it, could you? I can’t tell you how much you’ve helped me grow!
This is also a first for me. The closest I’ve ever come to writing anything like this before was when my ex- and I first met. She was an RN, working the night shift, and occasionally we’d leave notes for each other on the pillow, expressing our appreciation for a previous night’s activities or spelling out what we were looking forward to as our schedules permitted.
And no, DH, I’ve never left a partner hanging like that. I do my best to make sure I finish what I start.
BobM’
LOL Who me?? I seem to have that affect due to my open mouth insert foot policy. lol
You are profoudly passionate in your presentation. It had me somewhere I have never been, and didn’t really want to leave, but reality is reality..unfortunately always for me anyway.
I believe you when you say you complete the task. I was complete after chapter 2 lol. G
I think I grew in knowledge today. Thank you Bob. I am exhausted LOL
No, thank YOU, DH. I loved the way you challenged and provoked me to explore uncharted personal territory. Your generous responses kept me going. It was a kick, and I’m glad it was good for you, too.
BobM;
Are you interested in an IM session with me? That is a private place to be, and there won’t be a zillion eyes?
Hey Hey Hey … You needn’t leave cuz of me!! I too am learning, just thought before the “big” moment, you’d take it to the sheets; whether literally or figuratively is something private between you grown ups.
and nobody else’s business. and just cuz me and joan are friends, we don’t tell each other EVERYTHING … fyi …
leave the rest of us drooling, go ahead … damn it!!
Finally you two are gong to get a room and have some real dirty talk!!!!! I was wondering when that would happen:)
LOL LOL LOL BobM;
are you a mind reader??? How can you answer me before i have posted LOL LOL LOl OMG TEST FAILED LOL
DH- I’m up for it (so to speak), but I’m not signed up with any IM client yet. I’ll have to figure it out. What are you on?
This is a strange thing, blurring the line that separates fantasy and reality. I have to say I’m a little apprehensive about really getting sucked in. This was a whole lot of fun, but let’s just say it wasn’t one of my most productive days. Er, at least as far as tangible results are concerned.
In the meantime, if you’d like, David has my permission to give you my e-mail address. I don’t know if he’s ever done anything like that.
Are you listening, David?
DH–Now it’s my turn to be confused. What did I answer before you asked? And what is “TEST FAILED?”
DH-
While I’ve been waiting for your answer to my last post, I’ve read back through the previous posts, trying to figure out what you meant about “mind reading,” and “test failed.”
The only thing I can figure out is that you think I said, “I’m glad it was good for you, too,” before I saw your remark about how you were “complete after chapter 2″. If that’s what you think, it’s not true. I didn’t write my comment until after I saw yours. I never presume such things, and I don’t understand why it looks that way to you.
If it’s not what you’re talking about, then I apologize, and I’m really at a loss. Please let me know what’s going on, okay?
BobM
lol no Can you get your email to me through David OR Yahoo IM?
BobM
Here is my email. I don’t want you to be confused or baffled here. PLEASE write me, and in private we will talk;)
longing4passion@gmail.com
BobM
Did you abandon ship? The balls in your court, so to speak;) You have my email so??
BobM,
Our cyberfling has been a slice but unfortunately has to end. I am a married woman – albeit unhappily as hell – who is also on a mission of Freedom, Travel and Adventure. So love, thanks for our online chats, but we simply cannot continue as “cyberlovers.” I do hope you understand and we may still be warm friends?” You as well are married, apparent to stay that way. I wish you the best in your future adventures.
DH-
Check your e-mail.
Hey, everyone-
Because I respect this community, DH’s post above compels me to fill you in a little bit about my situation and how I feel about it. I understand it will make me seem different in the eyes of many of you, but I hope you can appreciate that my ex and I are fine with our situation.
After being married for 26 years, during which I was never unfaithful, my ex and I split up. By this time my three girls were out of the house. When I moved out, my ex kept the house. And no, I didn’t leave in a hail of bullets. It was an amicable parting in every way, including financially. No attorneys were involved
It’s now six years later, and my ex and I remain on good terms. We help each other out with small things from time to time, as any two friends would. Since our split, I’ve dated maybe ten or eleven women and been involved in three real relationships. I’ve always disclosed my marital status out the outset. In one of the relationships, my status ultimately precipitated a painful dissolution. My ex knows about all of the relationships I’ve had, and she’s been supportive of them
Why haven’t I gotten a divorce? It’s very simple. Because as things stand now, my medical benefits coverage is marginal, while my ex’s are fantastic. She is generous enough to keep me on her coverage. It may well seem like whack priorities, but that’s the reality I’m dealing with right now.
I understand this situation doesn’t sound good to a lot of people, but so far, with the one exception I mentioned, it hasn’t been an issue for the women here in the Bay Area that I’ve dated. Nevertheless, I’m looking forward to the day when I’ve reached an economic situation that makes a real divorce more desirable than this separation.
My apologies to people on this site who aren’t trying to hear all of this and wish I hadn’t posted it. To you, I’ll say I wish I hadn’t needed to. However, I’d like to continue to participate in this community, and I can only do that if I keep your respect. To do that, I felt I owed everyone a full explanation.
If you have any questions for me, I’ll try to answer them as openly as possible.
PS-DH, no hard feelings on my part. It was fun while it lasted. You’re a great woman, and I’ll always be a fan.
DH, no hard feelings on my part. It was fun while it lasted. You’re a great woman, and I’ll always be a fan.
(Pardon the duplication–posting glitsch.)
Reads like somebody isn’t quite connected with “reality”. You either are or you are not Married, Separated, Divorced or on the path to separation and divorce.
You are married BobM, plain and simple. You are married because of medical benefits and you and your wife have agreed it’s ok for you to fuck around.
Being an avid reader of the cyber-exchange – which was not a real time real life exchange in case you weren’t getting that – between you and DH, I thought it fun … and when she gracefully and truthfully and publicly ended the PLAY, which was enacted gracefully and truthfully and PUBLICLY before all of us who read it, you seem to suddenly find “truth” within you to share with us all, but what you are really doing is slamming 1 person with your excuses for LYING to that 1 person. I really don’t care that you’ve eluded time and time again to being SINGLE.
I don’t buy your bullshit and I don’t care what you or anybody thinks either.
You are married for medical benefits and cheat on your wife with her approval. And you had cyber fun / fantasy with another human being who has been honest and open about her marital situation from the beginning, and who tired of the PLAY and ended it publicly just as she had played it publicly.
Grow up and stop being a whiner and a leech.
Bob,
You do what you gotta do. Feel lucky that you are cared for enough for someone to do that. My ex violated our divorce decree in that while I had not requested to be kept on his medical insurance, but his dental for an additional six months. I didn’t get any of that and the sum although it going to cost me a good deal of money, for me that is, isn’t enough to go back to the attorney’s office. Its not the first time he said he was going to do something and didn’t come through, but fortunately for me, it is the last.
Taleda-
I’m sorry you feel like I’ve misrepresented myself. I suppose, in effect, I have by acting as if I were single. Regardless of my legal status, I feel single, and so that’s how I act. I understand that for some, my legal status defines my personal status, but for me, in my day-to-day interaction, it doesn’t. I’m sorry that this has upset you and made you lose respect for me, but I can certainly understand it.
However, nothing I’ve said here was intended to hurt anyone in any way or to be untruthful, and I don’t understand the “slam” comment.
My comments about my ex and my being “fine” with things didn’t mean that I didn’t realize things should change. I just meant that there were no issues between us over it. I was hoping people could appreciate that this is something I’m still dealing with and hoping to change. I knew it would be hard for some people to understand, but I took a risk in discussing it anyway.
I’m just disappointed that you’re among those people that find what I’ve done offensive, Taleda. I think you’re one of the outstanding people here, and I had hoped we could talk pleasantly and with mutual respect.
If you feel I don’t deserve your respect, so be it. I understand how important your values are and why you feel that way.
Bertie-
Thank you. I’m sorry your ex was less generous than mine. My ex and I share a mutual respect and want the best for each other. I’m certainly grateful for that.
You know Bob, its just one less thing to have to credit him for. Everything I have and all that I’ve done is because I’ve picked myself up and done it. Sometimes even facing really bad odds that would suggest that I would not be successful. I have to tell you that I would have a serious issue with your sitch too. If you’re connected enough for that, where does that leave you in terms of a long term relationship. I’d only be able to look at you as a guy to go have fun with, but never make any commitment to. Which is ok, but doesn’t seem to be what you’re looking for. Just seems a little out of line with what seems to be your intentions.
BobM;
I just read your email, and now your post. I think you are a very nice man, but I am confused as to your way of thinking.
You tell me in the email you don’t like your private matters on the public forum, yet The daythis blog was posted, I am notified through email of your basically cyber fucking me for all to see. The only Bob I had heard of on this site thus far, was Dr. Bob. No Dr. Bob, we don’t need your interferance.
I am trying to honest and up front with you, and for all who are watching this sideshow, I hope you are enjoying it, because it will be the last one you see with my name attached.
I don’t like people inadvertantly making a fool of me, or puting me out there for all to see for any reason, be it good or bad.
This is not a damn affair people. We chatted on IM for Gods sake. Bob is very nice, but I will tell you exactly what I told him in my email, since we are airing our laundry here. Well here is the exact email to Bob;
Bob;
I am sorry. I really didn’t know how to go about it. Ihave never broken anything before. I think you are such a sweet man but when you said you were separated 6 years and weren’t divorcing because of the insurance, that didn’t set well with me. I am looking for a free man when I become a free woman and I hope you can understand that? I am so sorry and I feel about like dog crap right now. Joan
OK. There you have it. The 3 ring circus is over for me and time to move on. I won’t beat myself up over this. I did what I knew to do, and if that wasn’t right for anyone here, for you I am sorry. As for me, I love you all, have enjoyed my time here for the most part. Thank you who have been supporters of anything I have written, that includes you BobM, I appreciate the support. This place does not need me. Good luck to all of you.
DH-
In light of Taleda’s nuclear blast at me, I just want to make it clear that nothing I’ve said here was intended to “slam” you. I wanted people to have a more complete picture of who I am, and I was just trying to explain why I going into such a lengthy note. I hope you understand and are okay with it. I’m not upset with you in any way, and I certainly didn’t mean to make you feel badly.
DH-
In response to your last post, please check your e-mail.
Bertie-
In answer to your question about long-term relationships, it would depend on how long-term, or more accurately, the kind of relationship you’re talking about. In two cases, the women I was in a relationship with were interested in an open-ended commitment, but not marriage. For them, my legal marital status was not an issue. I’ve had one relationship that lasted more than a year. In that one, it developed that she did want to remarry, which obviously made it a big issue, and the result was a painful split for both of us.
It’s possible that I would remarry, but it would have be to a really exceptional woman. Obviously that would involve my getting a divorce, and we’d have to discuss how to proceed. I’m not sure what she’d be like, but I’m certainly not excluding such a possibility.
Well that wouldn’t be the case with me. I’m not sure I want to get married again, but I’m not yet willing to rule it out. However, the last two years of my marriage I played #2. Sorry but if a man is too attached to any woman, I couldn’t go there. That is where my trust issues lie. I can’t trust a man who is on the lookout for the better deal simply because I have too many jobs or get angry or spend time too much time with my kids.
In your case it seems like an awful lot of attachment for two people who only have mutual respect.
Yeah, I get that, Bertie. I can certainly understand how you feel. I suppose it’s pointless to try to explain, but I don’t think of women in terms of what kind of “deal” they are. Above all, I look for a core compatibility and level of connection.
My last partner got me thinking about a permanent relationship after just a few months. Unfortunately, her son got ill and she went through so much stress, she said she didn’t want the responsibility for carrying on a relationship, and she ended it.
At any rate, although it probably sounds like it, I’m not trying to campaign for anything or anyone here, other than to have people read what I have to say, take it at face value, and respond to it accordingly. I visit here because I value what everyone (well, almost everyone) has to say, and I’m always interested in learning how to lead a better life.
I’m confident you’ll find someone because you’ve figured out what you want and you’re doing something about it. I’m looking forward to hearing about your success.
The whole episode with DH and me was a result of spontaneous banter that got out of hand, at least for this setting, and I’m hoping we can both get through it unscathed, or at least with minimum of embarrassment.
Well Bob, I was only thinking that I cannot be all that unusual. If I’m going to have anything more than a friends with bene’s deal, I have to trust. Even though rationally I understand what you’re saying, I couldn’t let loose with the “L” word with a man that entwined in another woman’s life.
That being said, I don’t really care what anyone does on here except if someone is being outright malicious. I don’t see it that way. I don’t see any reason not to continue just as many of us always have, you and Joan included. It was harmless flirtation no matter how sexual it got. No big deal. Namaste~
Thanks, Bertie. I appreciate your perspective, and it’s something I’ll have to take into account.
PS-
My ex, in talking with her friends about me, calls me her “was-band”
LOL Bob! I don’t call mine anything. In fact I don’t talk about him much except for where its applicable to the kids or I have to explain why I have some hang ups.
Unfortunately, Bertie, it seems that a lot of women share your experience. It makes things hard for everyone, especially the kids.
My kids really don’t have a problem with it. They pretty much know where they stand in terms of their dad. It is an at dad’s convenience relationship. So they are not really surprised by it. I think its sad, but I don’t think I could live with myself only seeing my boys once a week and only holiday contact with my daughter. My daughter found solace for a short time in her boyfriend’s dad, but sadly he died this year. She was quite angry for a time that her new found dad died and not the other one. That was really difficult to accept that concept and its implications for my ex. However, I cannot own his problems. They are not mine and he will have to live with them. If he can figure out a way to dig himself out of the hole he’s created for himself, more power to him, but how did he used to say it? Uh, here ya go, not for the faint of heart or delicate of ear, but, he’d have to suck dick in the gutter for the rest of his life to regain his dignity. Kind of a blunt sort of guy to be hooked up with a peacemaker for such a long time huh?
I’m glad your kids have sorted things out. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for, fortunately. Nevertheless, the end result is essentially the loss of a parent, and it doesn’t have to be that way.
Oops! I typed out the above before I read your last two lines. You made me laugh out loud. Do you ever wonder, “What was I thinking?”
He was pretty lost to them when we had to leave the house so he could read, watch a game on tv, or sleep. So they’ve been outta his loop for awhile.
You mean when I married him?
I know what I was thinking and here it is:
He had all of his teeth ( a recurring theme for me it seems)
He had a job (in the eighties around here, having a job was a big deal)
He didn’t beat me (still a big thing around these parts)
He was really good at oral. (I won’t lie and say I wasn’t thinking with my sex organs.)
The only time I wonder what was I thinking is when I wonder why I didn’t use reality orientation with my oldest son and my ex long before I did. Over the table at the divorce proceedings his soon-to-be wife was on about how he had procrastinated over the divorce and why was I not signing papers that she threw at me that didn’t have any sort of agreement with regards to division of assets nor child support without consulting my attorney first. I should add here that she said this with full support of the ex. I simply said his procrastination was no longer my problem.
Shit, Bertie, you’re a funny woman. I’m glad you’ve raised your standards since then. On top of that, having to talk to his new love about why he was procrastinating is waaaayyy off the chain.
And you’re right, if he wasn’t present for them before you split, it’s unlikely he’d be there for them afterwards.
….hhhhmmmmhhhh…..
Bustya-
It’s interesting that they found a difference in perception between the sexes even in childhood, but I don’t think caution is the same thing as illogical behavior. Maybe that was the case in your instance, but I’ll have to take your word for it.
Bob,
Off the chain! LMAO! Sorry but that was pretty friggin mellow compared to the shenanigans before and some of them afterwards. They’ve been duking it out with her ex for the last year or so over property issues so they haven’t been trying to invent some drama for me. I figure I only have until next June to concern myself with their reindeer games. All of my kids will be eighteen by then and I won’t have deal with him or her about anything. Once I survive the high school graduation of my youngest, I won’t have to have any interaction with those two. Now that is truly freedom.
Bertie-
It sounds like Jerry Springer missed a great show, not that you’d be a willing participant. I’m glad you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
How are you going to celebrate?
Yeah Bob and I haven’t told the juicy stuff at all and yet it does sound very Springeresque. About five months into the separation, the great procrastination era, she came to work at the hospital. During her orientation she came over to my unit to give me the evil eye. I’m actually quite fine and I’m sure that her ex is giving them enough hell back after the two of them tried to evict her ex’s 80 year old father out of the house that was once hers, but they sold to dad when they were a couple. It seems that she wants the market value now even though she’s already been paid.
If I celebrate at all, I will find the most beautiful boy toy I can find to escort me to my son’s graduation. I’ve been doing exceptionally well since he’s been gone save for a couple of stumbling blocks in terms of cash. If I don’t I’ll take the same guy I take to the company parties, my oldest son. I don’t like the people I work with knowing too much about my dates. I’ve already been fodder for gossip with the third wife working in the same place as the second wife.
Bustya,
Get over it dude. That is only women who haven’t healed from whatever. If that is logic then I certainly don’t need it and neither does anyone else. Save the chick bashing for your home page.
Bustya-
I appreciate your concern, but you don’t know the whole story. Out of respect for the people involved, I don’t want to go into here. There’s been too much said already.
As for your wife, I’m not doubting your experience or questioning it in any way. Nor do I doubt women can act irrationally. I was just talking about how you characterized the study.
Oh, shit, Bertie! You’ve got it divided into eras? That’s classic. Throwing out the 80-year old father? What a circus! Throw in the gossip that’s endemic to a hospital setting (that’s where you work, right? My ex is an RN), and you have enough drama for years of “As the World Turns.”
I think Bustya’s still in Wounded Mode. I hope he pulls out of it soon.
Bustya-
Look, man, I know you’re angry over your situation, but you’d be better off to vent it in a more receptive forum. It just doesn’t play well here.
Well I was so in wounded mode that people that I haven’t even spoken to about the divorce have mentioned that I have blossomed in the last two years. That is a big difference. I know that everyone deals with it differently and at different rates, but wtf? It makes no sense at all to go online to a blog devoted to dating and bash women. During the procrastination era, then the soon-to-be-ex stalks the second wife to get her to do something without counsel era, then the lets screw around with the account for the kid’s child support era, I found that the most helpful advice pinched like a bustier with a too small cup size. Hurts for a bit but the end point is pretty awesome.
My God, Bertie, what an unbelievable analogy. Where did you hear that one? You’re something else. There’s no doubt you’ve blossomed and are well on your way to an awesome result.
Have you by any chance kept any kind of diary or chronicle of this epic? It’d be great reading for the women’s self-help department at the book store.
I hope Bustya realizes that, like you, the sooner he escapes Wounded Mode, the better off he’ll be.
Bob,
Oh hells no! It was hard enough talking about it with my counselor, my attorney, and the one divorce group I belong to. I’m telling you the story is way more seedy than this. I wouldn’t have told my attorney, but after some of the reindeer games I figured I’d better be totally and embarrassingly honest with him just in case the ex wanted to try and take the kids from me which at several points I would not have put past the two of them. No that analogy comes straight from the mind of Bert, its in Bert list of rules for life: Never let a man who’s not paying too much attention to you purchase you lingerie. You’ll just end up with huddled masses yearning to be free. Fortunately the yearning part never did take very long.
Oh, Christ, Bertie. I’m laughing so hard about your yearning masses I can hardly type. When are you going to start doing standup?
Bustya,
According to you, you have just interacted with the one woman who doesn’t behave according to the norm. Yeah I’ve seen your site. I didn’t say anything cause I thought you were hurting. I am only saying something now because your remark here implies that I’m stupid or a liar. Talk to all the people I still owe and the ex has no intention of paying even though his name is still on the bills….and we’ll see who got away with something. I was stewed, screwed, and tattooed during divorce proceedings that I didn’t ask for. I am the woman who asked her then husband if there was no hope for reconciliation and he turned to me and said, “How many fucking times do I have to tell you?” No, I didn’t ask for it. I mean hell he spent every Thursday hanging out with his girlfriend for the last couple of years of our marriage. I don’t think that every man is like him. I am a bit more evolved than that and I really take exception to being categorized as being stupid and illogical.
Bob I do stand up every time I teach a class. Every now and again I’ll find a patient who appreciates my humor. You can usually tell which ones can handle the smart-assed women. Besides my particular brand of humor has already been done by Brett Butler. Another tall big blonde.
Bob,
I’ve never found the man that appreciates the funny chick. Unless its in the bar and you’re giving his friend who even he thinks is a big asshole the what for. Then the funny chick gets some kudos…otherwise we’re just the also there.
You know, Bustya. I don’t think there’s a lot of difference between the women’s attitude towards men and many African Americans’ attitudes towards whites. Few white folks have even the vaguest idea of what African-Americans experience every day of their lives. There are so many subtle and not-so-subtle slights, innuendoes, and outright insults that it’s small wonder that they’re skeptical of white folks’ motivation. I don’t think that’s irrational behavior. I consider it skeptical or cautious behavior.
If you’re perceptive and honest, you’ll agree that men trample women in countless settings and in countless ways. After a while, that experience leads to generalizations, which of course are always inaccurate in some cases, but not necessarily irrational
Why is the antithesis to what nature tells me to do a good thing?
When you talk about the guy and his asshole friend, you sound sound like you’re speaking from experience. There are guys out there who appreciate the funny woman, and they aren’t even gay. (I’m thinking of Kathy Griffin’s audience. I’m sure some of them are straight.)
I’ve bent your ear for a long time, Bertie, and I appreciate your willingness to listen. If you’d like to keep talking, I’d love to as well, but I don’t want to impose, and I know I’ll be talking to you again soon. Care to continue?
Yeah, cause this conversation has totally gone off topic and I’m certain divorce, divorce trauma, and the antithesis to nature’s callings, aren’t what people are looking for here.
Bustya-
Dude, you’re harshing the vibe. But what I find interesting is that it sounds like you’re engaging in exactly the same behavior that you’re criticizing women for. You expect future events to reproduce the same results you’ve experienced with your ex, and it doesn’t have to be that way.
Bustya-
By “wounded mode” I mean you’re still hurting. If you’re angry, or “pissed” as you put it, it means you haven’t really started healing yet, and you’re still wounded.
Ok, Bustya, Example #2 sucks. Did parenting classes change the situation?
Yeah I did what I did in the divorce proceedings to get away from it and them as fast as I could and as cleanly as possible. He has defied our divorce decree on more than one occasion, but I don’t have the money at this point to go back to court. Nor do I want more bs from them. So I bite the bullet and take my hits because I want some peace and I want to have a life.
“I don
LMAO,
Bustya….I’m done making babies. I’m waiting on graduations now. My biological imperative is all about pleasure.
Bustya-
Let me see if I have this straight. You accuse women of acting irrationally. You say you’re doing the same thing they are. What does that make you? Rational?
It looks like our work is done here, Bertie. Talk to you later.
Damn thats sad.
No, Busta, I don’t get it, and I think this discussion has run its course.
Anybody read this? Logic explaining illogical behavior, now that’s something. Of course I already knew this “discovery” to be factual. This explains why I caught hell that rightfully belonged to my (ex) father-in-law, you know, because we both tend to grow facial hair, have a deep voice, and a love for the TV remote. My god, I AM just like her father!
Oh come on Bob. This explains how you can be a “jerk” in the eyes of a woman you’ve just met even if you haven’t said or done anything, but because her ex was a “jerk” naturally you will be too. Didn’t you know women can anticipate your actions before you commit to them? My wife sure could. It’s that “woman’s intuition”. If we all had that we wouldn’t need logic.
Bertie,
If you’ve seen my site you know I’m not bashing, anything I’ve said here is merely a love tap. And I love science, it shall set you free. Seriously, kill the next guy you see and when you go to court say he looked like someone who assaulted you. Then have your lawyer get a copy of the study and you’ll get away with murder. But alas, women get away with murder anyway don’t they?
I mean, if I did to my wife what she did to me, society would call me the lowest scum of the Earth. But to her? “You go girl! Take his money, take his house, take his kids, you take it all!”
Bob,
Now I think you’re looking at the study through applicable eyes. I wasn’t referring to anything posted above, but your mind searched for truth in my perspective and you may have found it, don’t know. But I do know what I read in that article rang true with many of my experiences with the fairer sex. I guess you could’ve read the article and thought, “This explains why women tend not to be race car drivers”, referring to the “more cautious” finding, but I read it and thought of how many times I’ve heard countless women say, “All you guys are the same”.
And what’s all this about “wounded mode”. Yeah I’m hurt, I haven’t seen my kids in a year, I’m not happy about that at all. And I’m offended, pissed, and embarrassed, and still apologize to folks she’s hurt in all this mess, but I wouldn’t characterize my state of mind as a “wounded mode”.
More like, I’ve been alone long enough that I’ve broken the addiction to being with someone. Everyday I see how miserable my coworkers are in their relationships, I mean, they actually dread leaving work and having to go home and ‘deal’ with their other halves. And they’re always bitchy and moody at work and I have to deal with that. Conversely, I can do whatever I want and I can do it alone without someone bitching at me or telling me I’m doing this wrong or should be doing that. …Quick, somebody sing me a Whitney Houston song… but seriously, I feel free.
And to the question as to why I would post such views on a dating blog… what better place? I guarantee you when this blog has run it’s course you can read through all the posts and they’ll all be forwarding pretty much the same views except for mine. I’m the antithesis to what nature is telling you to do, and thats a good thing.
Bertie,
I’m not saying you’re stupid and don’t take my remarks personal. Men are no better and if it’s any consolation, I wouldn’t want to date a man either. But you must admit, in this society there’s a million a one reasons why a woman is justified in being in a bad mood and just as many reasons why I’m supposed to put up with that. PMS, PMDD, and the other one for starters… what is that, a week out of the month that women don’t have a physical ailment? Then throw this study in there for good measure and she has every reason to do or act as she pleases, but as for a guy like me, there’s no excuse, I must just be a jerk.
Turn on a talk show, turn on the radio, pick up a book… you see/hear/read how female masturbation is a good thing and is liberating and all that stuff. I say one thing insinuating a preference to masturbation than dealing with the ups and downs of an intimate relationship, “Women have been outmoded by internet porn” and I’m just plain creepy.
It is a slanted world, but it sure isn’t in my favor. If you got shafted in the divorce perhaps you should sue your lawyer.
Two examples come to mind as to what I’ve said above, one the excuses for a bad mood. I work with this girl who is always bitchy and she’s crossed the line with me a few times. My boss (female) knows about it and has had a sit down with her a few times about it.
I don’t like to bitch, it makes me feel like I’m putting on a bra or something but I warned my boss that I was about to resolve the issue is she didn’t do something first, so she had a talk with her.
Well today my boss asked me if this girl was still giving me a problem. “Nothing I can’t ignore.” I said. Then she said, “I was just asking because she just switched birth control pills and it’s just driving her insane”. And this is a justifiable reason why she might be a bitch and I have to bite my tongue instead of saying exactly what I want to say to her which will probably make her cry.
Example # 2,
I have evidence that my wife and her boyfriend have abused my kids. Hard evidence, I mean, pictures and recordings of them admitting to it. I turned it over to the authorities in hopes they’d take the kids away from her and give them to me, but no, she’s the mother which means she’s going to have to kill one of them before they take them away from her. You know what they did instead? They made her go to parenting classes.
I’m not the only antithesis to what nature is telling you to do, so is the condom.
And yes Bob, I am engaging in the same behavior, but the difference is, I’m doing it on purpose.
Sorry I ruined your good times vibe, I’ll stop. The best of luck to you all with the pillow talk and whatnot.
Ah… you got me posting again.
Parenting classes helped in that they took the deadbolts off the kid’s rooms and stopped flipping the breaker to kill the power to the rooms, or so they say. The kids caught hell for what they told me so now they’re reluctant to talk to me at all. Every time I speak to them she’s listening in on the other phone to intercept anything that might be incriminating. The entire thing is one sick mess and I really don’t want to discuss that anymore.
Lighter note, yeah, i also told my boss lady I felt like I was strapping on a bra and she laughed, but touche` I laughed with the scratching balls bit.
That’s it, I’m done. Have fun folks.
Seriously I’m going to stop but, ok Bob. I’m generalizing like the woman in the study is generalizing, but I’m rationalizing(get it?) it like this, all people suck, men and women. And I’ve decided to share as little of my life with people (and since I’m not gay I mean women) as possible. Through the miracle of internet pornography I can do this without going insane, that’s about the jest of it.
I am an island, surrounded by a sea of pornography, and that’s good enough for me. Who needs the world when you got the WWW? You can quote me on that.
hi your contant is too hot
Good luck, Elizabeth. I don’t understand it either. It seems like things ought to follow, in general, real-life etiquette. There are exceptions, but I think on-line chatting has become a last resort, or a haven of sorts, for many people who don’t appreciate the charm of getting to know someone or who don’t have the necessary skills.
I’m glad you got over the original on-line guy. I think Daryk’s advice, above, of keeping a mental reservation about a person’s true identity until you meet is sound. A year without meeting should also raise questions in your mind.
Good luck, and don’t give up.
Hi this Is Elizabeth not much to say just thought I would share that I am over the online guy.I do still chat online but I am using more caution on the lines that guys use when they communicate.What happened to being able to just chat online?You cant get online that someone Is not wanting to see your naked bodyand its not just the guys thefemales are just as bad.If you dont have a cam or pictures they say next.What Is wrong with chatting with someone to have a laugh,the sex should not come at the beginning of the conversation,It should come up after youchat a few times.I dont know some people say Im old fashioned well Ill keep It but I will say In closing a little respect would be nice. thanks Elizabeth
Elizabeth,
Totally agree with you. I can’t turn my messenger off of invisible if I don’t feel like fielding the what kind of undies do you have on questions. They always ask if you have a web cam. I should learn to lie a bit better, but I still have a great excuse in having two teenage boys at home.
Bustya,
From what you’ve said, I don’t think you’d know real if it came up and smacked you.
Thank you for checking out. I have one less cranky, misogynistic man to deal with. I appreciate it.
LOL! Not buying your definition of well adjusted.
Hey I saw that movie…it is quite intense and frightening. If even half the allegations are true…what a society we live in! Just jumped in to say that, haven’t been following your conversation but it comes to my inbox as I had commented back in September. In fact the young guy I alluded to last month is who turned me on to the film. And turns me on in other ways, still, too, lol;-)
Messenger? Those are all spam-bots sweetheart, this is what’s so disheartening about the whole online bull. It’s just another weakness you display for heartless $$$ grubbin’ mofos to exploit. At least that’s what it’s like for guys. I still say piss on anything meaningful with anyone, online or otherwise. A bottle of Jameson and a bout of internet porn gives me more than enough lovin’… you may disagree but I ain’t hurtin’ nobody and its realer than the facade you ladies are putting up. So there.
I’m drunk right now but I know real. I’ve had more than my share of reality. I just wish reality was a little more sincere. People (women especially) are so flaky, it’s just disgusts me, you’re a doomed race and I’m checking out early so I won’t be part of the problem. So there.
Cranky yes, misogynistic… don’t take me at face value. I’m a socio-political farce, lady. I’m making fun of your doomed society, not expounding my own prejudices. I hate women and men alike. I only comment more about the character flaws of women because they’re the one’s I’ve sought intimate relationships with. But just in case anyone above the age of 13 hasn’t realized the sad truth yet… people are self-involved, self-centered let-downs and nothing more. You’re much better off concerning yourself with only yourself and forgoing the bullshit of “romance”. The concept is a throwback to the age when people needed one-another. Romance is dead, love your computer and your hand, and you will be a more well-adjusted citizen for it.
Touche’. Be a dear and watch this and spread the word, would ya? Fastforward past the first 10 minutes, put aside your prejudges and soak up the truth… in other words, don’t be their slave.
http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com
this is the most important documentary you’ll ever see.