Today is my birthday.

I know, you don’t have a present for me just yet. It’s quite alright. If you really want to give me something, just go to, or, pick something nice out for me and send it to my house.
For the rest of you, just wish me a happy birthday today and I’ll be happy enough:)

For those of you who don’t know how old I am, today I am 588 months. That’s right, I’m 588 months old, and I’m proud of it.

You ever walk up to new parents with a baby and ask them how old their baby is? They’ll tell you, “My baby is eight months old, my baby is 14 months old, my baby is 17 months old.” At what point did we stop counting our age in months and start turning into years? I think we should just use the month system forever. It’s a lot more fun.

I’m also in the 93rd percentile.

What 93rd percentile, you ask?

When you see two new moms talk together, they say things like, “My baby is 11 months old and let me tell you something, she is in the 91st percentile!” The 91st percentile means that they’re larger than 91% of the babies, according to their pediatrician.

My Favorite Birthday Gift Ever

So the next time you meet somebody and they ask how old you are, say, “I am 321 months and I’m in the 75th percentile. That’s right, I’m bigger than 75% of the people my own age. Not only that, I’ve been potty-trained since month 17, and I was in the 99th percentile while most people were wetting diapers until the 28th month of their life.”

So from now on, we have a new rule. If anybody asks you how old you are, state it in months, and tell them what percentile you are. If you’re 5’6″ and you’re a guy, you might be in the 40th percentile. You can’t change who you are so be proud of that 40th percentile.

Why don’t we just break it down into days while we’re at it. That would be even more fun. So let’s say you’re 10 months old, the average month is 30 days, so that comes out to 300 days. The next time you see somebody whose baby is 10 months old, say, “No way, 300 days! What percentile?”

Try it. The next time you’re talking to a woman with a baby, say, “How old is your baby?” She’ll tell you in months and then ask her, “What percentile?” Watch how funny it is. She will get so excited that you know. “Oh my God, you know that!? My baby is in the 74th percentile.”

While we’re on the topic of kids, one of my other favorite things are those bumper stickers: My Child is an Honor Student at Steward Elementary School. Really? That’s so wonderful that you put that sticker on your car together with your license plate. Now anybody can write down your information, figure out where you live (because it’s not hard to get information online these days) and start stalking your kid. You may as well just get a bumper sticker that says this: Attention all stalkers and child molesters: my kid goes to Steward Elementary, he’s a damn honor student in the 98th percentile, and he is 91 months old.

So embrace your month-hood. Say hello to the new way of speaking about yourself. And wish me a happy 588 months on this planet. And how many days is that? Figure it out and post it in the blog.