great communicationRead this email. At the end I’ll tell you how to manage a similar situation.

“Hi David,

Something you said clicked with me the other day.  I’ve been seeing this girl for a while. On the first date, she kissed me every chance she got. Seriously, she was all over me until I left her house. We even got to neck kissing. 

 Then, last Sunday, I told her to get dinner with me and we did.  We kissed some more and fooled around a bit. Then we studied together. However, last night she told me that she didn’t think it would work out between us, but she wouldn’t tell me why. 

Later she mentioned she thought I was trying to have a relationship without knowing her well enough. She said she wasn’t looking for a relationship. I didn’t let my guard down. I called her out on how this whole thing is 50/50.  It wasn’t just me doing all the pushing because she definitely did her part to make it seem like she wanted a relationship.  

Later I had an epiphany.

I was talking to my cousin and he said the exact same thing happened to him. They were going out, went to the movies, kissed, they even got physical.  When the date ended, she felt guilty, and didn’t want to continue seeing him. We both realize now that something you said is so true.  Either you go all the way or you go for the smoother three dates and pace yourself.

Now I realize I could have gotten laid instead of going half way. Just seems like an interesting blog post that I would like to read in so many other people. – Ethan Carlo”

Now you’re misinterpreting a lot of things here, Ethan.  First off if you’d used the power of authentic communication you could have avoided all of this confusion. Just because a girl fools around with you in the moment, doesn’t mean that you are going to get laid. She might have enjoyed making out with you.  If you forced the issue a little bit more, she probably would have pushed your hands away.

“You’re Misreading Her Signs”

Just because she kissed your neck doesn’t mean she was looking for a relationship. It sounds to me like she might have had sex with you. Maybe she was just looking for a hook-up. Something you said made her feel like you wanted to be in a relationship.

A lot of guys I talk to run into this problem. They think because they’re talking to a woman they’re affectively communicating. But women are trickier than that. It’s not enough to speak and listen. You have to ask the right questions.

In the future, instead of asking your cousin how a woman feels, ask her. Did you ask her what she was looking for?

Did you ask her if she wanted a relationship?

Did you ask her where she was at, mentally, right now in her life?

How about what was important to her?

Just because the conversation went really well doesn’t mean that the night is going to end in sex. And just because you thought there was an opportunity to go all the way doesn’t mean she’s going to. She said she felt guilty because she wasn’t into you like you were into her.  She assumed that you wanted a girlfriend.  You probably acted like you wanted a girlfriend because you did not have a conversation about what the two of you expected out of the relationship.

It all comes down to open, authentic, communication. Doesn’t matter how old you are. Asking a woman what she wants is one of the first keys to understanding what her thoughts are. Maybe she would have been up for casual sex if she knew that you wanted casual sex. Maybe she wanted a relationship. Maybe she thought the way you came on to her so strongly, kissing her non-stop. She felt like you would only want sex.

There are so many gray areas, there’s no way to know the answers unless you talk about it. Being true and being authentic is the only way to date. Asking a woman in your situation is the only way to find out what she’s looking for. There are no second party conversations with cousins who are over analyzing everything because it makes you feel better.

Life is about communication. The best communicators never have to go to their cousins and to find out what was wrong.  Your cousin doesn’t have the answers. The only person that has the answer is the girl, and if you authentically spoke to her from the get-go, you would know exactly why she didn’t want to see you again.