The Boning Season
By David Wygant

Recently Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, so according to legend there will be six more weeks of winter. Had he come out of the hole and not seen his shadow, legend says it would have been an early spring.

This got me thinking. If something comes out of a hole and sees its shadow, does that mean there is only six more weeks of boning season?

Winter is technically the best season to bone. What else is there to do? It’s cold, rainy and snowy. What better thing to do than crawl into a hole, get warm, move around a little . . . and get all hot and wet together?

So I decided to come up with my own version of Punxsutawney Phil. I’m going to call him Punxsutawney Boner.

When Punxsutawney Boner crawled out of a hole and saw his six inch shadow this year, this meant there would only be six more weeks of boning season. Considering this happened about three weeks ago, you only have about three more weeks of boning season left.

It’s funny. People tend to be hornier in the summer because it’s the time of year when you see people wearing a lot less clothing.

If you’ve ever had sex in New York City in the middle of summer in a place without air conditioning, however, you know it’s pretty nasty . . . and an all over slip-n-slide (kind of like the slip-n-slide you used to play with as a kid). Because Punxsutawney Boner saw his shadow, winter is coming to an end and you only have about three more weeks of boning season left.

As a matter of fact, I think this is a much better holiday than Valentine’s Day. We’ll call it Punxsutawney Boner Day.

Punxsutawney Boner Day will be an excuse to crawl into a hole during these last three weeks of boning season. This holiday will not include any stupid candy hearts, and will require just an extra supply of condoms, lubricant . . . and pink fur handcuffs for all you deviants.

Enjoy the last few weeks of boning season, because you never know if next year Punxsutawney Boner will not see his shadow and give you an early spring.