In Dating, Do You Practice the Fade Away?

June 9, 2011 15 Comments Men, Women Break-ups, Uncategorized

Gotta love the fade away. It’s one of the best dating tactics in the entire world.

So you went out with somebody, you had a great time, maybe you slept together, maybe you didn’t, but now you’ve determined that this person just isn’t for you. Now when it comes to dating and relationships, most of us are complete chicken shit because there are a lot of feelings and emotions involved, and it’s a really intimate thing.

Most of us are not going to take a stand and break up with somebody properly who don’t really know that well. So instead, what we do is we perform the fade away.

What exactly is the fade away? You hung out with somebody maybe for a week, maybe a few weeks, maybe you had some sex, maybe you didn’t. Basically by now you’ve determined you are not really into anything serious with this person, or that person is just not for you. But instead of saying that to them, you just fade away.

Fade aways are usually paired up with one of two really bad excuses. One: you’re going out of town to visit family for a week, or you’re going away on business for a week, and you’ll call when you get back! Two: Hey, things are just really hectic over the next 10 days, you’ve got some deadlines at work, you’ve got some friends in town, you’re moving into a new apartment, whatever.

That’s when the fade away process slowly begins. Then, over the course of the next 10 days, you start fading away and hope you’re becoming a distant memory. Of course you never call him or her again, and you never intended to, but you start the fade away by saying that you will keep them in mind, that you’ll be in touch soon.

The Fade Away

You start the fade away with an excuse you pulled from your life so they don’t expect to hear from you for a short while. Then, after that time passes, they start scratching their head wondering if you are ever going to call them again.

Here’s the question: why is it so difficult to just be honest with each other? Instead of doing things like the fade away tactic, why can’t we look at each other and say, “Hey, you know, I really enjoyed hanging out with you, sleeping with you, whatever. It was great fun, I’m glad we met, but I just don’t see this going anywhere. I just don’t have that feeling, and I’m looking for something else. But I enjoyed the time we spent together, the few weeks we spent together, however long it might be.”

We’ve all had somebody perform the fade away on us. And the next time you’re thinking about doing a fade away yourself, it really comes down to thinking about how you felt the last time a person you were dating faded away on you? How did the fade away make you feel in that situation?

Practicing honesty and being up-front with people who you’re dating is an amazing thing to practice. When dealing with people in life, you have to think long term. Because when you see that person again, months or years later down the road, they will respect you a lot more if you’re completely honest with them, even if you hurt their feelings temporarily. But when you perform the fade away, that person doesn’t really want to see you, doesn’t want to waste their time having to deal with you either personally or professionally, and you become that asshole who only cared about himself or herself and faded away hoping you wouldn’t notice.

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Trent says

2012-07-25 01:22:53

I hate the fade. Completely gutless. I would rather have the quick pain of a sudden rejection than the slow burn of the fade. I think I'm being faded right now and it sucks. Was hanging out with a girl (sister-in-law of one of my best friends) for a couple months in one-on-one situations pretty regularly with abundant flirting, I get drunk and accidentally drop a big hint that I like her and now it's been nearly three weeks since we've hung out. She doesn't return texts (though I've only sent a few, i'm not trying to bombard) and the one time she returned a call (claiming she had been busy with work) and said she wanted to hang out after a function she was at she canceled because it was late (which was a somewhat legit excuse). I'm not ready to completely let her fade, but it sucks because I know that the more I doggedly go after it, the less chance I have of getting her or at least getting her to fess up to the fade. Just sucks because I fell hard and I hardly ever fall for anyone.
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Jessica says

2012-03-19 19:15:42

Why do guys do the fadeaway With the "i'll call you soon" just to hope that they can fade away after ten days? It seems so counterproductive. The girl would be waiting for the phone call, and it drags her time to wait for him.
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Harry says

2011-08-15 12:52:51

Somethings don't really need to be verbalised, that's why I don't really see a problem with the fade away. If I've been on one date with a girl, chatted a bit, even a one night stand, there isn't much 'investment' in the relationship. I believe that the level of investment will dictate the level of verbal 'explanation' that's required. If I went on one date with a girl, then never spoke to her again, I don't think I need to explain why, if I dated a girl for 6 months then the fade away is unacceptable
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Joe A. says

2011-07-06 20:03:16

This match.com survey totally backs this post up: "Doing a 'slow fade' isn’t acceptable to most singles: '52 percent of those surveyed agree you should politely explain you aren’t interested, followed by 24 percent of singles who recommend being evasive about your future availability,' the study found."
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Dana says

2011-06-24 09:33:08

Just a text is even better than nothing. I think girls just want to know for sure or our minds go off on us. I think guys just don't want to hurt us or talk about it, and you know how we girls like to talk it out?
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VeraNika says

2011-06-13 23:57:39

Im glad the email or the text is available that you dont have to say uncomfortable things in person, but im willing to try to learn to do it face-to-face. and whats up with guys want to be FB friends...soon after we meet online...Im not putting all the 57 guy friends on my FB...come one. Yes Im still single,,, and yes there is probably something wrong with me.))
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Nick says

2011-06-13 18:01:23

David, you absolutely read my mind on this one! I have been fading away from this women and I'm so glad you pointed out this issue. I knew I should have just straight up told her how I feltl, but I just didn't know how. This post has me feeling much, much better. Thanks!
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Mark says

2011-06-12 14:34:04

Mike, I do truly believe that you are correct in calling women out on their crap. However, telling her that you were scared that you thought she was not into you is the wrong way to do it. In this example, you are really giving your power away to her and basicially asking for her validation. In this situation, you should already know that this is your last shot and you need to get her to reengage with you. I would personally say next time something that demonstrates to her that you have high standards, are in control and that she has to impress you. Yes, that is right, challenge her and see how she rises to the occasion.
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Mike says

2011-06-10 22:36:00

This one girl I met online did this fade away to me. We spoke on phone for 1 hour, she said to call her after week end. She pulled the fade away, but i called her on it. I texted her 4 days latter and said whats up, she texted some excuse about sorry was busy with work. So I said O good you scared me for a moment, I thought you weren't into me. I did that to physiologically make her feel the fade away is not working for her. So she then texted back "Hey I'm not feeling this chemistry. SHe said I do not want to be friends. Basically I got to find out this Girl I thought was cool, was not and that was a good feeling for me. Had I not forced her hand to kill the fade away stunt, she would have faded away and I would have felt I messed up and that she was a good person. So she showed her dark side, that she is selfish all about her chemistry and if not then people are dirt to her, and she isn't even that good lookin, just she spoke cool. So Guys if you got balls call a girl on her fade away! I had no Idea it was called a fade away. God, the Universe please bless David Wygant with a glance of Grace!
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JJ says

2011-06-10 02:38:50

I agree to the extent of yes being honest , however I have been honest like this before on a couple of occasions an they still didn't want go know me in the future .. So it didn't make a difference for the future part of things...
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JJ says

2011-06-10 02:38:50

I agree to the extent of yes being honest , however I have been honest like this before on a couple of occasions an they still didn't want go know me in the future .. So it didn't make a difference for the future part of things...
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Tim says

2011-06-09 23:13:41

so if I see a woman who did the fade away on me, and I am guilty of doing the same for the most part.. what should I do?
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Mark says

2011-06-09 19:37:17

I also agree with David that the "fade away" is a terible and a spineless thing to do. However, in my opionion "games" (and for that matter, politics) are unaviodable and ok so long as they are not done to hurt or adversely manipulate someone. Let me give you an example of a good "game": playing hard to get or even not appearing to be desperate as you have not dated anyone in a hundred years. In this case, you are holding back the truth because if you did share it then it would surely be the end of that relationship. Here you are definately holding back on something but quite honestly the information does not matter one bit and this is not done with any ill will towards someone else.
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Daniel says

2011-06-09 18:51:00

I agree with David- you'd want someone to be honest with you-do the same for others. Besides, there's nothing worse than "playing games", etc.
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Tyrell Curry says

2011-06-09 18:01:55

Hey David. When you first started the post, I was thinking to myself. Huh this really doesn't sound like the kind of stuff David would teach. But once I got to the part where you explain how that's what NOT to do, I understood. I absolutely agree that you should be honest. Being honest is being yourself, and that's exactly what you need to do. No cover up.
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