How many of you go out at night and become alcohol pushers?

Basically what you do is you go out with a group of guys, and you become what we call “creepers”.  You are in a pack of eight, and one or all of you will creep your way over to the women slowly but surely.  Every five minutes you creep another inch, maybe another six inches. And then, by the time the woman is finally leaving, you quickly bolt over—the whole group, like you guys are all attached by a string.

Then all of you go, “Why are you leaving right now?  Where are you going?  Where are you from?”

Wow, what an amazing opener: “Where are you from?  Why are you leaving right now?  Drink!  Come on, we’ll buy you a drink!  We’ll buy you a drink!  Come on!”  And then the woman always says, “No, that’s okay.”  And you’re like “No, come on, you have to drink, you have to drink.  What, are you crazy?  Have a drink!  Come on, have a drink.”

It’s really strange.  Men truly believe that they can buy the vagina.  They at least like to think that they can buy it.  I’m going to get the vagina drunk.  The vagina’s going to like me, and the vagina’s going to want to come home with me.

But here’s the issue: the vagina doesn’t like you spending 45 minutes creeping your way over there inch-by-inch.  It made her scared.  That’s why the vagina—which is powered by two legs—decided to run outside the bar and leave.  She was running away from you.  Turned off.  She ran away dude.

So here’s the deal: you want to meet her?  Walk over right away.  You offer her a drink and she says no?  Don’t become so self-conscious. Don’t be that guy that busts on her for not drinking. Not everyone drinks.

It’s so weird, people who are drinking get so uncomfortable with people who are not drinking.  You ever been to a party where everybody’s smoking pot and taking hits out of the bong? If the bong is passed to you, and you decline, pot smokers will never look at you and go, “Oh, dude.  Take three hits, man.  Take a hit, take a hit.”  They could care less!  They’re high and they’re having a good time.  They’re mellow; they know you’re going to be mellow.

But alcohol brings out aggression.  So much so that you become aggressive with the way you drink and other people in the room, drinking or not. “Please, drink with me.  Please, I don’t feel comfortable…”

Just. Stop.

So guys, please, keep this always in mind: creepers are creepy and vaginas really can’t be bought.