Dear David Wygant“I just can’t get over my ex!”

Well, ladies…

If I had $1 for every time a woman has ever said this to me, I’d be booking you all flights to join me for a tropical beach party somewhere spectacular! It’s one of women’s biggest issues when it comes to dating. You have a relationship with someone, and for whatever reason, it breaks down. Now you’re left with questions, frustrations, regrets, and pain. Especially if you still wanted to be with him and it was your ex that ended it. So how do you get over a breakup without driving yourself to despair, and without letting it hold you back from meeting new men?

Well, it’s a problem today’s Dear David writer needed help with, but her problem has a modern twist!

“Dear David,

I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but I’m finding it really tough getting over a recent breakup. It isn’t that it ended horribly. In fact, for about 6 months me and my ex-boyfriend were getting on great. I actually thought it might be going somewhere serious.

Then suddenly a couple of months ago he said as much as he cared about me, he didn’t want to settle down and didn’t think he was the relationship type. We agreed to stay friends and went our separate ways.

I was hurt but I vowed to move on. Here’s my problem though. We’re friends on Facebook and have at least 8 mutual friends on there. Last week I saw he’d changed his relationship status to “In a relationship” and he’s put up pictures of him and his new girlfriend.

Now I’m even more confused, and hurt. Seeing him with another woman on Facebook is tearing me apart and I’m not sure what to do. I thought I wanted to stay friends but I don’t know if I can face it. What should I do?”

David Says…

As hard as it is, if you can’t cope with being friends with this guy, you need to make it a clean break. They say breaking up is hard to do. And you know what? They’re right. BUT I have a few tips which make getting over a breakup much easier and cut the grieving process down. Let me give them to you now…

1. Cut all ties – I know it’s hard, but if you want to move on you’re going to need to end all contact. That means unfriending him on Facebook, Twitter, or any other social network you use. It’s the only way you’ll be able to avoid photos of him and his new girlfriend. It might seem extreme but right now think of your breakup as a cut on your knee from falling over. Every time you see photos of him, it’s as if you’re falling over on the same cut and making it worse. You need to give it time to heal, and that means no contact.

2. Don’t dwell on it – After a breakup, it’s common to replay things over and over in your mind. You’ll think back to situations and wonder, “what if I’d have done this differently, or that differently?”

You can’t change the past. You can’t change what either of you did or didn’t do. Nothing wrong with looking back and thinking of the good times you had in a reflective way. But don’t dwell on it. Look for the lessons you learned from the relationship, embrace them, be grateful for the experience you shared together, and then stop thinking about it. No replaying things in your mind and no wondering what might have been different. It’s done. It’s in the past. You can’t change it.

3. Have a healing ceremony – This is something I know works really well. You hold a healing ceremony for yourself. Write a little note or letter to your ex. Thank him for the time you had together. Even if he was the reason for the breakup, embrace the lessons he taught you, and wish him the best for the future. Lastly, write down that you’re now going to move on and you want him to do the same.

Then you’re going to take that letter, and you’re going to burn or shred it. That’s right. You don’t send it to your ex, you destroy it, and with it, you imagine all your pain and frustration going with it. In that moment, you’re allowing yourself to move on. In that moment, you’re making peace with your past, and allowing your heart to heal from the breakup.

I know getting over a breakup isn’t easy, and it’s harder when you have to lose contact with someone, but until you’re strong enough to cope with seeing him enjoying his new life, that’s what you need to do.