I’ve been spending months upon months frustrated in bed. I’ve been unable to sleep half the night. My body and my head won’t stop racing and feeling anxious. I keep looking over at her wondering when this problem is going to stop.

Then, last night, I finally made a big decision in my life. My heart was a little broken. My soul was a little twisted. I didn’t know what to do this morning, as I was still feeling a little anxious from last night.

After lots of soul-searching, though, I knew it was a decision I had to make. I had to kick her out … After six months of listening to Daphne snore, chomp and smack her lips all night long, we finally put her bed in the hallway.

For those of you who are members of PETA, this was not dog abuse. It was the end of human abuse. We could no longer take one more night of being kept up listening to Daphne snore and chomp and smack her lips nonstop.

I think it might be better for everyone involved. Plus, really, what does she know? We could probably put her bed on the porch and she wouldn’t know the difference. For the sanity of our bed, though, the dog had to move.

I still felt a little funny about it this morning. It was, after all, our first night ever not sleeping together. As I took Daphne for a walk on the beach, she looked at me and I at her, and I knew she we would be okay. If we don’t have to deal with my girlfriend’s insomnia, we would all feel better.

Now onto another issue that many men are facing in their beds right now…

Please lay off the vibrators.  Trust me, I am not a man who is jealous of a vibrator. What I have found, though, is that some women are so vibrator dependent that trying to get them to have an orgasm by licking or playing with their clit is like trying to negotiate traffic on the 405 freeway in Los Angeles. It’s next to impossible.

So many women are vibrator dependent because a vibrator works so fast and produces such a centralized orgasm. Our tongues can never work that fast. We don’t vibrate at 10,000 miles per hour like we’re taking off in a rocket ship to the moon.

So the bottom line is this: If you’re a woman who is so vibrator dependent that you cannot orgasm with a man, then you’ve got to lay off of the vibrator. Vibrators are the downfall of women.

When a woman uses a vibrator, she can lay there and have an orgasm in three seconds (and then rest and have another one three seconds after that). Then when you are with a man instead of a vibrator, he has to go down there for about six hours to get you to feel anything.

Not only that, but really think about what kind of orgasm you want to be having. According to most women I’ve been with, the orgasm a woman experiences with a man during oral sex and foreplay is far greater and better because it’s achieved with lot of touching, caressing, talking and feeling.

So if you’re a woman and you’re about to start a relationship, my suggestion to you is to lay off the vibrator . . . for at least a week or two before you start sleeping with the guy. Let the sexual energy and tension build up again, and don’t let your clit get so numb. When you do that, you are giving the guy the opportunity to please you.  

When you’re not in a relationship, go ahead and vibrate away to your heart’s content. Go for it! Have a great time with your little mechanical boyfriend.

If you’ve got a relationship coming down the pike, though, then you need to put the vibrator in the closet. If you feel like you just can’t resist that vibrator, then go and buy a room safe (like they have in cheap hotels), put it in there and forget the combination.

The fact is that when you’re in a relationship, you need that man to explore your body and you need to give that man the opportunity to please you in every way. Remember that no matter what a vibrator can do, it is never going to replace the the one-on-one intimacy and the one-on-one contact you have when you’re with someone of the opposite sex.