From time to time I will be posting guest writers on the blog. Recently I met this Desperate Housewife.
No, not Terri Hatcher or Marcia Cross and her new babies! Nor was I invited to Eva Longoria’s wedding to that San Antonio Spurs guy.
I actually met a real housewife probably not unlike many bored sex deprived housewives in America. After spending time speaking with her I asked her to share her story with my readers.
Does any of this sound familiar?
Dirty Desperate Wives Club!
What? Did you say you are a sexless, stressed out somber desperate housewife? Well, you have come to the right place! Welcome to the desperate dirty wives club! How much are the dues you ask? Baby, you are paying those dues on a daily basis, so put your money away. You will need it when we all have a field trip to the Chippendale’s Dancers Club! Make sure you have plenty of dollar bills or you will be kicking yourself in the ass while you watch the rest of us salivate as we put our life savings, dollar by dollar into some guys g-string…oh and I don’t give loans! The sad fact is he is probably going home with Sven: the stripper cowboy who danced along side him lashing his whip to and fro with that Cheshire cat/lion tamer smile on his face!
Ladies, I am all too aware of the fact that being a wife who is faithful, but now alone is an all too tempting situation to be in. When your man is gone for 6-10 weeks in a stretch and you have satisfied yourself as many ways as you can imagine, with 5-9 weeks left to go? What is left to absorb yourself in, to take your mind off of how even the old fart that takes your clothing off with his eyes when you hit the post office, has gone from looking like leftovers the dog wouldn’t eat to a prime cut of choice beef you can’t wait to sink your teeth into?
NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Don’t go there! Let’s think for a moment.
That’s all you have before thoughts of having a man kissing and touching you all over, creeps back into your thoughts and your eyes have glazed over! Now you are worthless as tits on a boar hog! For those who are saying, “tits on a whaaat?” A boar hog is a boy hog so ….ok, I trust you got it!
Ok, get ready because I am going to use the “F” word—a lot! FLIRT! Yea, you dirty minds—clean it up for a moment! Lack of that other “F” word is what has brought us all together. I have come up with a little ditty for F.L.I.R.T. F = Fun, L = Living, I = In, R = Rough, T = Times! FUN LIVING IN ROUGH TIMES! Yes it is! No it is not, but it is what you are going to make of it. I have learned how to flirt. It may already be a habit for some, but I am self taught, and I think I went overboard in my curriculum! If you are feeling lonely, get yourself all dolled up, smelling sweet and hit the road. No I am not talking about prostituting! Get to the mall and go into the men’s shoe stores. Have you ever seen one of those Johnston and Murphy shoe sales man? They don’t all have one foot in the grave! Hey if nothing else, he has nice shoes even if he does get a 50% discount. Go to the men’s watches at the nearest jewelry store. Chances are there is a man helping you. If not, politely excuse yourself and get moving. There is no time to waste! Lol Slow down if you must. This is a “work at your own pace” flirt session. The point here is to stop feeling bound by guilt for flirting.
Hey, do you think your man doesn’t flirt and then some? Wake up sweet cheeks. We are all human, and denial will get you kicked out of this club! You can sit at home in front of the same old soap operas that if you went into a coma for a year, you could come back and STILL know what was going on verbatim, eat bon bons and be overweight and depressed OR you can choose to be happy with life, and transform a dull dreary existence into some kind of happy habitat every day. It is a choice only you can make for yourself. A choice = to choose to! After a day out, without spending a plug nickel, Except for some pads for those sexy heels you HAVE to wear, you can feel great! I’m telling you, the best things in life are free. When a man smiles at you and tells you, “you have beautiful eyes,” doesn’t that make your heart skip a beat or am I just weird? Even when a man looks your body up and down, and yes you are probably naked in his mind by the time he is finished, I don’t know about you, but I go away feeling GREAT!
You can feel very good at the end of a day just by having a day of F’ing (FLIRTING)! Some days will be better than others, but then one day out can last a week. It really depends on you. We are wired to be desired! Now, I say go out there and get to F’ing your brains out.
That’s today’s dirt you dirty desperate darlings! Like Nike says: Just DO IT!