I had a great lunch with a friend the other day, and I don’t know why, but after leaving her I asked myself, “Why do we always demand answers?” Why do we always have to know why a relationship didn’t work out, or why someone didn’t call back, or why someone isn’t into us anymore? Why do we always need an answer?
If you search the Internet you’ll always find an answer. There will always be somebody that will tell you that you can get your ex back, or they’ll tell you that you weren’t energetically aligned, or that your astrological signs didn’t match, or whatever. We’re always trying to find out why something didn’t work out. We need to find out.
Well here’s the deal: instead of looking at why it didn’t work out, ask yourself what you really need to experience that you were afraid of. Let’s go even deeper into this. What do you need to experience based on the experiences that you had with this person? Why do you keep attracting the same type of person in your life, and why are you so afraid to experience what you really desire? Why are you so afraid of become raw, open and vulnerable?
It’s really time to get Naked. I was told—by some great philosopher no doubt—that the question “why?” is one of the worst questions you can ask. “Why?” can almost never be answered alone, in your head—especially if it involves someone else. “How?” is a much better question. It’s more empowering. Instead of “why did they do that to me?” you could ask “how can I grow from this experience?”
We always try to figure out why something didn’t work out. But in reality, there’s a great message as to why it didn’t work out that can’t be rationalized by numerology or anything else. It’s a message that presents itself over and over again with a lot of our lovers and a lot of our relationships.
And until we figure out what that message is, we never move forward and experience what we really need to experience. And that is where you need to look within. Because looking deep within is going to enable you to really process it, in a way that you’ll grow instead of just saying it didn’t work out, because you weren’t “energetically aligned”.
Why? It is much easier to debate that one-word question than to accept, acknowledge and move forward with what has/is occurring. It is the need for validation that creates the need for a scapegoat or “reason” everything happens.
Stop blaming others, take accountability and grow as an individual!
my problem is…my marital male friend mistress’ will not leave me alone for some reason she has it in her head that i am with the guy…how do i get rid of this every time i look up she is traveling the parking lot looking for him but to her surprise he is not there. One question where do i have him hidden. trying to run over me and my daughter to prove a point…this is the way i see it let me be so i can move on even if it means to find someone else. she thinks sitting close in a car to her loverboy is going to make me jealous hey she is married too…wrong answer i am so single that i can find a man and not have to worry about another man looking over my shoulder only person that does that is Lord Jesus…When she combs the parking lot hey thanks for letting me know at least he has been by. oh by the way i have seen three different guys that i might date…one has already invited me to his home once he gets his medical taken care of…hey talk about the moving forward.
here is something from a friend on face book i read this after the night she brought her own husband in to fool me once more try another plan it is not going to work…
Smart people know their strengths, but happy people are the ones who have accepted their flaws.
I am sorry about filling up your blog with my problems but what i am assuming is…i am full of laughter about this situation and not wanting to hurt people and wanting to move on i understand that things did not work out like it should so it is time to move on…and the mistress can not figure it out. this is not my problem for i will not accept adultery and fornication as i was asked by the my marital male friend that is like asking me to accept sin. not in this lifetime.
Well for one, knowing why can actually help not repeat mistakes. The why can lead to the how. The important thing, as in everything, is to not become obsessed with it.
And I think why’s are pretty easy to come across when we’re honest with ourselves. THAT is the difficult part : self-honesty. Most people (me included, too often for my taste) either don’t want to face the truth, or take the truth as a knife to slash their veins. Needless to say, both extremes are very bad.
But there should be some kind of time limit. If, after a certain time of pondering a “Why” issue, you still haven’t found the answer, just quit thinking about it. Maybe you’re just missing crucial information. And you might learn that information later ! Better to have no theory at all than a false one !
I like that, Gabery. A time limit on asking “Why?”. I say 3 days. What do you think?
Off topic, but of interest. Got a date with a real nice, pretty, lady, I met online. First time out (real date) since my break up. She’s a nurse very flirty, and can’t stop writing calling, and texting me, so must have made some kind of impression. It will be interesting to go out with a woman twenty years older than the last one. Maybe I’ll get some half way intelligent conversation…Can’t wait to get my book.
@David Wygant : Mmmmm maybe not 3 days. It’s possible that you don’t think about it at all during those three days. I’d say more like 3 hours. When you start thinking about it, start the chrono. If 3 hours pass without an answer, save it for another life.
@Bob, hopefully the new girl types closer to English than the last one did.
@Collin
Yea, well, she did seem to be challenged in that area. I didn’t care if she could even read, much less write. It was worth it, while it lasted…believe me! I guess an RN should know a little English. Will let ya know.
On subject. I have this major problem of asking “why”. I go over and over thui shit in my head, and tend to blame myself for most everything that goes wrong in a breakup. I try to find out what went wrong, when, what I did wrong, all that bullshit. Fuck that… I know I am a nice, sensitive, caring, and of course very generous guy,who asks little in return just to make my mate feel wanted and loved. I’m sick of my blaming myself for every damn thing that goes wrong, or doesn’t work out, and the blame I get for damn near everything. I like this blog. I have been thinking about it all day, and how I need to ease up on myself, and just be me, and realize I’m only 50% of the equation, and she has her agenda, motives, flaws, and past experiences that make her judge me,treat me, manipulate me, just like her past experiences with guys she has been with.
@Bob
I go over this in Naked.
We are 50 in relationships and no need to ever beat yourself up.
More important just think about what you learned and how you want to feel with the next one.
Bob
i would like to compliment u and i agree…
you know something if my past would not come back to haunt me maybe i can get over this and move on…
bob
not a bad looking pic…
I’ll want t buy the book. Unfotunately i am moving to another place in 5 days and my mail is not yet set up correctly. Its on campus this time. I am having an awesome year! When this address thing clears up I’ll go on Amazon and buy the printed version. I’m actually deciding either ebook or printed version. they both have their advantages. I’d love t just read this book in the campus cafes and let every paaser by see the cover. I think this book represents all the challenges I’ve attempted to conquer in my social and dating life. Its such a big part of me that it sometimes kills me that i cant share this sideof myself with anyone for fear of shame. reading it in public will give me a chance to just let my conquest of this challenge be known!
“Why?” – because it didn’t work YOUR way… because you got wrong person … because you were blind …
That’s not actually your fault … You will make the same mistakes till you get on track
“Why?” – because it didn’t work YOUR way… because you got wrong person … because you were blind …
That’s not actually your fault … You will make the same mistakes till you get on track
Last year in December, my friend set me up with this guy. I had a great time talking to him and went out two times. I didnt here from him after Christmas. I read David’s book and called him to see how he was doing. Didnt hear from him and deleted his number. The one who wanted to know why was my friend. I told her let it go. Today, I went to the mall to get my nails done and I ran into him. He look straight at me and I said Hello and he just look away. At that moment, it didnt matter why he never called back.
I was just reading somewhere that demanding answers is a modern thing we do.
Ancient Greeks and Romans asked many questions but were good with not knowing. They also didn’t have words for anxiety. At least not how we understand it.
How much of your anxiety comes from not knowing but thinking that you should?
Man, this blog got me thinking real deep in my past relationships. Lol monkey chatter just got a banna today. thanks david, lol.
one cannot improve at anything without learning from their previous failures. you’re big fan of saying doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. well there you go, unless you know what went wrong in the relationships, chances are you ll fuck up the next one the same way. also there are things that are out of one’s control; sometimes “why” doesn’t really matter, but it’s still worth knowing.
i sometimes demand answers because i let the other person be the decider in my life. I do not mean strictly with women. I’ve lt others define my whole world for me so many times. When their decisions dont satisfy my demand i get this desperation. I had described this several months ago on this very blog … how I am afraid to lose people in my life. I needed to recognize this pattern and soothe the underlying wound that called and cried out for some sort of caretaker to take care of it all. This was the finger in the dam that was holding the water in. Now since that is loose I am discovering more boundaries that i need to conquer. This new territory is hostile. I am in a puerile wasteland that has been built over time. The questions i am now demanding aren’t to other people why they have abandoned me but to myself. I need to demand more answers from myself why i had built a wall for long.
@Chris, It’s about finding the right balance between asking a lot of questions and not dwelling on the past. The one extreme that this blog seems to suggest would leave you to repeat the same thing over and over again. Over analyzing would lead you to never be yourself when meeting new women. Or even worse never try to meet new women.
I think a few day period for you to think about the past is good, and anything beyond that would lead you to circular thinking and no real progress would be made.
Moving forward with my life (I’d like think) I try to not look at bad situations so much as “why?”, although there are practical benefits to that if it’s approached honestly: Because I was a pig and moved too fast; Because I was cold and detached; Because I never really cared in the first place…
The problem isn’t asking “why”, the problem is dwelling on it. As we grow, that dwell time should get smaller; for some of it’s weeks or months, for others it’s hours or days. The 1st time I got dumped hard by someone I cared about, I dwelled on it for a few months.
What works for me, generally, as a more valuable question than “why” is: “What could I do better next time?” Some of you might recognize that question as the keystone of critical incident reviews, or critical incident stress debriefings. It also works when you get dumped, laid off, etc. There’s no blame for what you *could’ve* done better: Next time you’ll know. It’s 100% forward thinking.
Shit, Bob’s showing his vulnerable side! Never thought I’d see the day
@Bob
Glad to see you’re making progress with a new lady.
“Why” has been a big problem for me too. The first time I got rejected I was pretty young, didn’t really trust anyone to share my pain with, and chewed on that “why” for far too long. It’s pretty disturbing how quickly we can make a list of everything that is wrong with us when trying to answer “why”. Especially when we don’t have that winning mindset and take on that question from a poverty/negative mindset. It can keep us in a bad place for much longer than we ever need to be.
My how for the time being is to keep “dating” myself and not feel guilty about doing what I want to do, when I want to do it. Im finding it much easier to share myself with others the more I let go and allow myself to discover who I am.
men mastery series coming soon. im excited
Off topic, David always tells us to turn off the smartphones. This video may be the reason why:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYG6QA9gF0o&feature=youtube_gdata_player
After a painful breakup, I finally stopped asking why and started saying “who cares?” He cheated, was emotionally abusive and I realized I deserved better. I looked at my patterns, my history and why I chose a man like that. He’s long gone from my life. I’m still learning and growing. That’s much more important. And sometimes we never know the answers. I had to learn to accept that I wasn’t ever going to know and be at peace with that.
I had a great date this past weekend.
I met a great guy. Kinda short, and chubby, but very nice guy. He makes great money in sales too. He took me out to a nice Italian restaurant, paid for everything. I asked him if he could spot me $200, and he said fine. How nice. I even gave him a hug when he dropped me off.
I called my hot boyfriend, and took him to a nice hotel. We drank all night on the sweet little fat assess money! I rode my boyfriend extra hard. What a great night!
I can’t wait to see the little short loser again. Maybe next time I’ll just get him to lend me a credit card!
Julie, I do not understand why you set yourself up to receive negative remarks. Bragging to everyone on this blog how you used men to get what you want. Right now you are blessed with looks and charms, however that is only temporary. I read some of the past blog comments. I feel bad for you. Somewhere in your life, you must have been hurt real bad. Wish you the best.
@julie,,, WOW, that’s really,, MEAN! ,, lol.
Dont believe Julie. This Julie is like some dude’s Mr. Hand (southpark reference)
@Julie: you are the reason men start hating women and abusing them. i hope you are a fake.
@julie
troll harder you fat overwieght loser from PUAHATE.com
Everybody, it’s been established for months that Julie is a fake account. Get over yourselves.