No, I’m not talking about Donny Deutsch’s show The Big Idea – I’m talking about the big payoff. We are always looking to find the big payoff.
I’ve been looking recently to buy a new house. There is a house that I saw up in the hills that needs a lot of work. I could buy it for a certain price, put a certain amount of money into it, and at the end I could probably have a couple of hundred thousand dollars worth of equity. I can have that big payoff, right? I could sell it if I wanted to. Or I could live in it if I wanted to.
But here’s the bottom line: I don’t want the house! I don’t like the street that it is on. So even though I could make money on it – there would be a big payoff attached to it – I don’t want it.
Why is it that everything we do in life has to have a big payoff at the end?
When you buy a piece of property, you never buy the land you love; you buy the one that has the best resale value. You want to live in a place that you love, but we’re trained to choose the option that is going to give us the biggest payoff.
Life has to give us the big payoff in every facet. If you buy a stock, yes, there should be a big payoff to your investment. If you buy a house, you want to buy the right house in the right neighborhood at the right price.
But what happened to the time when home ownership was just home ownership – living in a place to increase your quality of life? Coming home to a neighborhood that you love? Having friends over to a place that you were proud of? Hanging artwork on the wall in a place that felt like home?
Why does everything now have to have such a huge payoff at the end?
When you approach someone that you’re attracted to, you’re no longer present in the moment – you’re just thinking about whether or not they like you and if you can get the phone number.
I know so many men who approach a woman and instead of just talking to her and getting to know her, they spend the whole time just thinking about whether or not she is interested in him. From the second they approach her, all they think about is how they can get the phone number – they are focused only on the payoff.
Rather than approaching someone and just having a great conversation, they are worried about the payoff the entire time. They worry about if the other person likes them, they worry if they are going to connect with them, they worry about when they should ask for the phone number, and they are never actually present in the conversation!
Meanwhile, they haven’t even taken the time out to think about if they are genuinely interested in this person or not! The whole point of approaching someone has become the payoff – not to find out if you connect and have chemistry and want to get to know the person further. Figuring out whether you are interested in this person or not should be the payoff.
You have to start learning that often times the quality of life is more rewarding than the big payoff. The payoff – the outcome – is going to happen naturally.
If you’re 100% present in a conversation with someone and enjoying the experience – guess what is going to happen? You’ll get the payoff that you were worried about in the first place! You’ll get the phone number; you will go out on a date and find out whether or not you’re interesting in them.
But if you are so obsessed with the end result during the conversation then you will never intrigue the person or be able to get to know them. You’ll just be nervous and your energy will convey that.
Stop worrying about what the future holds in life. Stop worrying about the future payoff and just stay present. The more present you are the better decisions you’ll make and the richer your life will be.
David,
thank you for the advice! Its tough to stay present in the moment ALL the time. My mind just goes over stuff. Though, I am about to read the power of now from Tolle and see what this guy has to say about beeing present in the moment.
as a consummate “planner” in life … this is a lesson that is necessary to hear a lot!
in my early 20s i used to spend hours scripting out what i wanted to talk about with on a first date with men … and i often times ended up not even being that interested in them once i got to know them … lot of wasted time spent planning for the payoff and missing everything that’s happening in between …
I think what this ultimately comes down to is having an abundance mentality. Guys who have a weak self-image are always looking for that “big payoff” from someone else, while cool confident guys are perfectly happy being there just shooting the s–t because they’ve had success plenty of times before.
great free advice David!!! This article you wrote to day is my turning point.
All along the wanting a big pay off mind set has been my obstacle in approach women because what you have written to day makes me to realise that whating a big pay off makes me to worry alot when I what to approach women. Before approaching I worry about things like.. she may have a boyfriend, she looks busy, she may not like me cause she i so cute and so on…..
But after reading your advice it just makes me not to worry when approaching and talking to women and just instead get know them better, be 100% in the moment and enjoy the conversation
thanks
David
Hi David.
As usual another great post. Where are you looking to buy? I know you have been looking for a long time! How did you end up on a street you didn’t like or did you decide you didn’t like it for some reason after seeing it for the first time? Just like women maybe a month later you may notice something in her or the home or even the neighborhood that you maybe missed the first time. With a long search to find the best possible lady out there or house to live in sometimes there may be a possibility to review and maybe take a fresh view with an open mind. OR NOT. IF IT WAS VERY PAINFUL, HIDEOUS ETC.
So for the new “Camp David” how many rooms/ bed/baths do you need to make thyself happy and what neighborhoods do u like or want? It sounds like u want a water view or maybe a great view of the city! I know u want a large play room/ pool room because you often entertain a lot of people at once. I’m glad you are not going to settle for anything but the best for yourself. Too many people settle for just OK.
Good luck in your hunt!!!
David: Regarding a home. I paid 20% more, and got less of a house than anywhere in the city i live. What I got was a community, a great neighborhood. I was buying lifestyle. Walking distance to everything. Great parks, green belts throughtout, private security and more. Its a nice place to live and enjoy life! BUY what you love, and make it yours!
Quality of life should be amongst our biggest priorities in maintaining the lifestyle we desire. When we go out to look for what WE want, we need to keep in mind that happiness rules all. That’s why you see the guys in a Mazda Miata or something else silly looking. It’s because it makes them happy. It may not be necessarily practical but what does that matter?
DO WHAT IS RIGHT BY YOU and ONLY YOU…
…unless you have a family then other considerations are acceptable.
Payoff is important. Not necessarily financial payoff though, to me the real payoff is happiness and enjoyment. Whether that is in a house, a job, or in a relationship. As David said, quality of life is of prime importance.
I’ve recently been looking at homes as well and started by looking at it purely from a financial perspective. The best advice I ever got was from a real estate investor who introduced the concept of forgetting about the investment aspect and choose someplace that you get excited to come home to, after all you’ll be coming home there for a while to come (especially in this market).
I’ve also introduced this concept in getting to know people. Rather than “hitting” on women I approach them and just try to have a fun, casual conversation with no real agenda. If I’m interested in getting to know them more I’ll let them know that, if not then I still have a polite fun conversation with them and just leave it at that.
Adam
That is some great advice
In todays market you really need to be careful.
I have this house in mind…love it.
Hate that i have to put in 80k right after buying it to update the kitchen and all the bathrooms.
That is not fun…….
Jim
Agree with you. Buy what you love!!
As i stated with adam in todays down market the prices in so cal do not reflect it as of yet and houses that need a bit of work should be a lot cheaper.
i can leave the house as is….but do not like outdated kitchens or baths,
I am starting to realize that no matter what i buy its going to need work unless i buy new construction.
i really liked this blog. it is like the cure for having outcome dependence!
often times i will be talking to some girl, and all i will be thinking “oh whats next, o whats next” and that will really kill my interaction. Because by thinking about the payoff i’m actually missing the moment, the now, and the fun in the interactions, which ultimately killing the vibe of the whole interaction.
A really easy way to stay present and stay in the moment: move from thinking to feeling.
It’s almost impossible to get into your head when you keep your attention focused on your feelings. I feel frustrated, I feel excited, I feel nervous, I feel elated. Watch your feelings shift moment to moment, and you’ll be present almost automatically.
If you haven’t started practicing non-violent communication, please see this website: http://www.cnvc.org. It’s one of the most powerful tools out there for increasing your presence.
Hi David,
I thought I would check your blog b/4 calling it a night…. Yup. Tonight, I was talking to a guy I’ve met not too long ago and I’m head over heels over. Tonight he was spending time with one of his good friends, and I think he had a couple drinks, and when I tallked to him on the phone he teased about marriage….
Panic.
I’m definitely hoping to find a partner in my near future,
and this guy is a great guy, I’m so impressed with him, he seems so much of what I want in a guy
I think it was a slip on his part, b/c normally he is so polished and sophisticated in how he pursues me and makes me feel comfortable and wanting him more
But I don’t want to be the goal
I want to be the best friend
of someone who becomes my best friend
and I want to be absolutely turned on
by the one that I love
so that, perhaps,
eventually
I can’t live without him….
Great way to put it Erika. When the noise quiets in my head, that is what I feel and it’s an incredible warm and fuzzy feeling.
The big payoff always happen when you least expected. When I focus on the present moment, when I focus on the process instead of the goal, sometimes, I look back and I am amazed at how far I’ve gone… or better, at how big the payoff was when i didn’t even realize it.
It makes life truly THAT much enjoyable.
I’m seeing a girl right now… and when I met her, I didn’t think of anything totally serious would come out of it. I was thinking of a casual hookup for a while…. but the more I get to know her, the more I realize how great she is to me. Who knows where this might go?
It doesn’t matter to me much right now, but I’m certainly enjoying the journey.
Thanks, Rich. Your post made me smile. Here’s to feeling warm and fuzzy all the time…
Erika , that is such great advice .
I am always thinking and consequently less in tune with what I am feeliing…. I’ll try that and check out the site too , thanks