Stop Sexual Escalation
October 19, 2008 
25 Comments
Stop trying to think about sexual escalation all of the time!
Do you know how to turn a woman on?
You turn her on by the way you walk, by the way you talk, and by the way you listen to her. You turn her on in the way that you are animated.
Every guy has one successful approach and then they think, oh man, next time I want to be able to escalate sexually. How do I do that?
It’s so ridiculous. You can’t do it! You’re not there yet. If you understood the true nature of sexuality, you would know that the way to really turn a woman on is through her mind.
When I first started doing this, there was no way in the world that I would touch women I don’t know like I do now. I was terrified – if I even got close to a woman I was freaked out.
You have to stop thinking about that sexual escalation – all you have to do is connect to her, talk to her, get her phone number – and you’ll have sex! You really will.
Women will start sleeping with you much more than you ever imagined – because you’re one of the few guys that has ever really listened.
So, you want to escalate? Find an escalator!
Client: So you’re saying that if you take the sex out of the equation, the sex will come?
David: Yeah. I never think about sex, ever. I even tell the guys that work for me that I could care less if I ever get laid again. And then they ask me what I did the night before, and I tell them, “well I just hung out with that girl and we had sex.” I just don’t think about it.
For women, sex starts in the mind. They don’t have a dick that gets hard every time the wind blows. They don’t get hard looking at pictures. They don’t think, “oh wow, a naked guy!” Pictures alone don’t turn them on.
They do get turned on by your mind and by your presence. Your confidence turns them on. That’s what it takes – confidence. It’s the way you walk, it’s the way you talk, and it’s the way you move.
If you approach a woman and touch her randomly just to “escalate,” she’s going to look at you like you’re a fucking creep. If you’re all nervous and your hands are shaking towards her, she’s going to think, oh my god, a human vibrator!
You just can’t think that way. I see guys doing this all the time. It’s like a robot – you can see the exact awkward point where they decide to escalate sexually. They think, okay, we’ve been talking for 30 seconds, now I’m going to go touch her to escalate sexually.
And these men are so stiff and uncomfortable. How does that turn her on?
Good stuff David
It don’t help matters much either that his buddies try to get him to force the issue. If a guy says he met a girl and they talked laughed and had a great time, you can expect his friends to tell him what “he’s got to do next”. And then the nervousness sets in and he winds up messing up something that could have been.
I enjoyed this read. David, you know its funny, a lot of the so called “pua gurus” claim this is a must, by touching a women to escalate sexually, as a way of building sexual tension and go as far to have entire memorized routines about touching someone! It should just happen naturally or am I completely off base here??
Carver you’re basically right. There are guys who touch because they’ve been told to do so and it often comes off as forced and creepy as David said. I can also tell you for certain that there are some women who would totally be open to meeting you and getting picked up but do NOT want to be touched like that early on. Somewhere between creepy forced touching and keeping your hands in your pockets is where you need to be, and after you get out of your head and have experience dealing with different types of women the right thing to do will just happen naturally. Of course, women also want a guy with guts who knows what he wants…. so at some point when you get together you do have to take the lead and make some moves or she’ll get bored.
god, I hope things like this are a natural thing to do when you are first learning how to get women. Because I still think and do things like this sometimes (tactic-oriented) instead of being natural.
Well said.
Confidence is absolutely what it all comes down to.
However, I also find that if escalating through presence alone is too difficult for a guy, it may also help to make verbal statements of intent.
Personally, I like to do these a lot.
At the very least, she’ll know that the guy isn’t looking for just another friend, which is already leaps and bound from what would likely happen otherwise.
Anyways, my 2 cents.
Great posts keep it up man!
well b
that was what really girls do
!i wish all of boys knew it,i myself had this problem,and to be honest with u after 23 years i have never ever saw a boy who doesnt act like this!
so ,congratulation! you have discover one of the main point to act with women
ok that verbal statements can be said, that arent too up front? like wanna go on a date iwth me is cheesy and gay.. soo what in your experince works? especially with 9′s and 10′s who are models and get hit on 24 /7 how do you be the different guy that captures there attention?
Different things attract different people. I asked a guy to tie my roller skates and got a date out of that.
Willy, if all you care about is “getting” a nine or a ten, you will most likely never get one. They clearly aren’t human to you.
Hey guys, would it hurt any of you to do what he says? Girls give cues all the time. We want a guy who we feel like is worth our time.
David, David, David… Have you been reading my mind or what? I always find it funny when men talk about why women won’t touch them more often or at all. Well, if we’re being honest here, there’s a really simple answer: Sexual escalation. I didn’t have such a precise term in mind until I saw this subject on your blog. My standard reply to my guy friends is that if men would respond to women in kind (that means on the SAME level, guys), women would have no reluctance or fear of touching men. If she hugs you, you can hug her but you don’t get to cop a quick feel or hump her leg. If she kisses you, you can kiss her but you shouldn’t slip her a tongue or drop a paw into her pants. Unfortunately, many men try to push the envelope, take the next step, raise the bar, get to the next base, etc. It’s not a race, guys! You don’t get points for speed in this category or for a lack of patience or concern for the other’s comfort level. Even for people in long-term relationships – if one person seems to be always trying to sexually escalate things, it makes the other person shrink back and concentrate on fending off any advances, being more watchful of signs of sexual aggressiveness that make them uncomfortable or even fearful. Many women give in before they are ready to and things often fizzle because they don’t feel safe. Wouldn’t you rather be the go-to guy instead of the run-from guy? Want her to touch you? Make yourself a safe place – for her – and be yourself. If she feels safe, she will feel much more comfortable touching you. Then what? Smile and respond in the same way. If you initiate, don’t do anything further than she has done to you previously…no raising the bar on your timetable – her body is her turf. Want to go further? Try having a conversation – it doesn’t have to be long or deep – just be truthful (and hopefully not pornographic). Pay attention to her responses and keep the give and take going. It’s not about love but sometimes just feeling safe enough with another person for both of you to get lucky. And who couldn’t use a little more of that kind of luck in their life?
Willy –
Want to know what happens to the 9′s and 10′s that are so beautiful? My roommate during summer quarter years ago was so strikingly beautiful that when we went to meals in our huge dorm cafeteria, that easily half the heads present (most of the men and some women, too) would swivel and stare at her all the way to our table and sometimes through the meal as well. The saddest thing was that almost NO ONE would talk to her. She was funny and charming and totally down to earth…but she was very isolated. Women really did shun her because she was so beautiful (or they couldn’t hack the competition) and the men were too intimidated to even say hi. I heard people talk about her in the dorm elevators all the time. One guy who lived across the hall from us had a crush on her but he wouldn’t ask her out. I finally cornered him and asked him why not and he replied that she would say no! Sorry, that’s crap. I shared a room with her all summer and she said that the only guys who DID ask her out were arrogant pricks who just wanted her as a status symbol. They didn’t care who she was inside.
ditto the above comment… read it 10 times guys…
Willy,
I personally don’t think you should worry about being too upfront. It’s more about HOW you say those things and what vibe you’re projecting to her.
That said, I would never say “Do you want to go on a date with me?” That’s very needy, it’s phrased badly, and implies that you would be lucky to have her give you the time of day. Bad.
I might just tell her what attracts me to her and why. Like if we were having a great conversation, I might say something along the lines of “wow, I’m really like how passionate you are about _____. I find that very sexy about you.”
When done right, it should come off as though you’re simply verbalizing your growing attraction for her based on your own greedy merits. Consequently she can then make the choice to sign on board or not without you looking like you were trying to take value from her.
Also, the fact that 9/10′s are constantly getting hit on is more like THEIR problem than yours. It’s all outter social conditioning and perception, but in the end we’re all just human. If she can’t accept a person genuinely expressing themselves, then I say just move on to someone more emotionally mature.
But that’s just how I would’ve done it… what does everyone else think?
*I really like
See, I don’t think about “sexual” escalation. But don’t get it wrong. I still believe that you should touch a woman and try to get close to her so that she is used to it. Don’t wait until you think, “ok, after 15 mins, she finally is opening up to me. Let me touch her now.” Doesn’t work that way people.
Stop touching with the intention of sex and start touching with the intention of being playful.
When I was out on my date last night, she had a baseball cap. Every time she said something silly, I would grab the bill of the hat, pull it over her eyes and draw her head toward me. It was playful and she seemed used to it. She is awesome, BTW.
But yeah, stop being sexually creepy with your touchy and just have a good time.
If you really want to know more about this, I would read some stuff by David DeAngelo.
“ok that verbal statements can be said, that arent too up front? like wanna go on a date iwth me is cheesy and gay.. soo what in your experince works? especially with 9’s and 10’s who are models and get hit on 24 /7 how do you be the different guy that captures there attention?”
Great question! One of the things that might help is to stop thinking they are nines and tens and view them more as a person. Another thing to do is to flirt with all kinds of women. For example, I was working with a guy today who was flirting at the clothing store with one of the people who worked there. The woman who we were flirting with was having so much fun and talking about chocolate that her coworker jumped in the conversation. So, we started to tease and flirt with her also. When we create that energy there are times when the women are attracted and want to be a part of the fun!
One last thing, did you read David’s blog from last week. He mentioned to start working on developing conversations. I like how he used the context of starting a conversation versus flirting with so many people. Starting a conversation sounds more genuine.
Try a few of these tips out and let us know how things are going.
Chris
Chris
That is great advice……and as i always say there are only 1s and 2s.
The 1s you want to date and the 2s you don’t
I hate guys who use the number system!!
“So, you want to escalate? Find an escalator!”
Best line ever in this blog. Love it. It is so true guys, that the best way to turn on a woman is through her mind. And also just because a woman is so gorgeous, doesn’t mean that she’s gonna dump anyone who doesn’t look like Brad Pitt or David Beckham, or worse any guy who doesn’t have the same hot bodies of the two mentioned. DUH! They’re still humans who have the same desire to find someone who can sweep them off their feet.
Okay now back to the topic itself, based on my own journey, the men with confidence always turned me on. And yes, it is indeed the connection. For example on me, you just gotta show you’re into me in a way that would appear like you wanna know me or you wanna know how it’s like to take me out on a date, blah blah blah like you wanna know me as a person….you just don’t say “hi, you’re so hot, wanna go with me to my place now and get intimate together?” that is absolutely creepy and am tellin you guys, only prostitutes will say yes to that kind of line. Because other than them, all women who will get approached like that will surely run away from you instead. There’s gotta be the talking. We get carried away when you connect with us, in a way that you’re facing to us while you’re talking to us, and you’re actually paying attention to us too. In other words, eye contact is very important and just be yourself.
David -
I use the “number system” just for first impression looks (I use that to give me a better idea of understanding what my type is in terms of looks). Once I meet them, it goes out the window because after that, it’s irrelevant. Once you can make a connection with someone, then the “scale” is tipped every time. That’s something I had to learn over the years.
revababy –
Couldn’t say much better than that. It is all about connection and using body language to emphasize that. Show that you care…sincerely and that you are being yourself and you’ll go a far way when interacting with women.
This might ruffle some feathers… but I need some opinions guys…
I went on a date after taking a bootcamp in London. I used all the techniques I learned from David’s bootcamp. I am often very critical of myself, but I feel this time I did a good job. I asked really good questions, we talked about the usual good date topics in detail, I shared plenty about myself. I noticed a bit of hairflicking going on, and she was in no hurry to leave. I was quite playful, more so towards the end. We talked for about 2 and a half hours.
At the end of the date there was no intimacy, a kiss wouldn’t have been right. I told her to give me a hug, she gave me a hug (not a particularly warm one) and we said goodbye.
My immediate thought was that I had not done whatever I should have done to make us both feel comfortable making physical contact at the end of the night. Am I right or am I misguided?
In the past I would have used some sort method of making hand/wrist contact after bonding over general life topics. It would make the kiss at the end natural and almost inevitable. Would going back to using a little pua-style sexual escalation (just once) be a bad thing? It appears to me that’s what was missing… or am I thinking too short term? How else do you smoothly bridge the gap between not touching and kissing?
I’d really appreciate hearing what you all think.
Sorry if I have poisoned your blog David!
Justin
Justin,
Are you talking about the date with the French girl (the one you told me and Pete about when we went out?).
No, this was another. French girl found keeping in touch a very difficult task, so I’ve let it go.
Any thoughts on the matters?
I think that first ‘touches’ witha woman you fancy are more the way you could even touch someone you would not get sexual with (buddys, parents, w/e). It gets heavier later on. So essentialy do not rush to make it sexual, but don’t forget to touch anyway, because if you do, you will have harder and harder time starting to do it as time progresses.
I’d like to say THANK YOU on behalf of all the women out there! I love this post because it’s obvious and annoying when you like a guy but you can tell he has an agenda i.e. “sexual escalation” on his mind. Working in this industry I’ve seen countless guys try out of place high fives and spins that do nothing but make a woman feel creeped out because the guy seems unnatural. When you do what is natural for you, it happens more organically. You don’t have to do a routine to touch the woman for God’s sake! Just touch her.