Happy Friday everybody, Shogo here with another weekend blog for you! Today I’ve got an email from a client I want to share–I know A LOT of you guys are going through the same thing:
Hey Shogo,
I’ve been practicing what I’ve learned from you—using conversation skills, observations, etc—and I’ve become good at starting casual conversations in a very non-threatening manner. But from the reactions I get with women, I sense that I am giving off more a friendly vibe as opposed to a sexual vibe. I’m not trying to make a girl wet on the spot, I just don’t want to give the impression that I’m looking for a friend. I frequently gave a big friendly smile when striking up these conversations and I get a good reception, but I feel like a big puppy dog and I can feel the lack of sexual tension. So how can I use my smile, body language, tone, mindset, etc. to demonstrate my (not-so-friendly) intentions when approaching women? Thanks Shogo!
Jason, Grand Rapids, MI
Hey Jason,
I can tell from your first sentence what your issue is. You’re too concerned about approaching women in a very nonthreatening manner. That’s really what so-called “approach anxiety” is all about when it comes down to it. It’s not wanting to come across as a threat, not wanting to disturb the person you’re talking to, and not wanting to be seen as a jerk or a pervert.
The irony is that almost every single guy who is worried about being too threatening or coming across as a jerk is almost never threatening or a jerk. What happens is that you suppress yourself so much in your conversations with women that all you’re really doing is suppressing your sexual edge.
Hiiiiii! It's Me!
Now that doesn’t mean that you have to read a seduction book and infuse sexual words in your conversations or try to make a woman think sexual thoughts by touching her or sending subliminal messaging or whatever. That is creepy. And perverted.
The woman you’re talking to is either going to think sexual thoughts about you or she is not. You can’t change chemistry and you can’t change the way a woman imagines you. But you can change the way that you think and the way that you feel about yourself, so that when you come across the right woman down the road who senses your energy, sparks will fly and she will get turned on by you.
What you want to do is start conversations in a very casual manner, not in a nonthreatening manner. Forget about trying to be nonthreatening. Jason, I’ve talked to you on the phone, you already are a nonthreatening guy. You have a great vibe and a friendly demeanor. The problem is that you are most likely afraid of confrontation, and that’s where your edge comes from.
Now this is a big topic, but I’ll touch on it briefly.
You need to develop that sexual edge. Stand your ground. Don’t be afraid of coming across a little offensive. Don’t be afraid of being abrasive. Don’t be afraid of expressing what you are really thinking during the conversation. She’s a big girl, she can handle it. The more you start letting your sexual thoughts out, the more you will start owning your own sexuality and you won’t be letting your penis control every decision you make.
The big puppy dog smile is ok, as long as you’re being real. But the puppy dog smile is not ok when you’re doing it to mask what’s playing out behind the scenes.
What is happening is that you’re too wrapped up in coming across as nonthreatening that you’ve completely forgotten about saying what is really on your mind. We’re all a little dirty, we’re all a little perverted in our own minds. Men and women both. Be comfortable with it. Let those thoughts dance around in your head for a little bit, then let them out. That way, when the time is right you’re going to turn that Golden Retriever puppy smile into the sly Doberman that’s never had a trip to the vet smile.
It’s all in your mindset–body language, smile, tone, all that will follow–but you have to change your mindset first and foremost or you will come across as very contrived and pick-uppy.
Very good advice Shogo.
I love these kinds of blogs dealing with subtle nuances : like the difference between a “Nice guy” and a “Good guy”, or in the current case, the difference between “Casual” and “Non-threatening”…
Also, it somewhat makes sense, that if you really are non-threatening at heart, and you know it, it WILL show. So no need to emphasize it even more !
So many people talk about how they feel utterly unable to repress or control their “bad” habits and attitudes ; and then the same people would be scared that their “good” habits and attitudes don’t show enough ? That seems horribly double-standard.
Maybell, the woman I will always love is now married. heard they got engaged on christmas and married a week ago.
that dream is over, all my dreams are over for that manner since the rest of my dreams are impossible. what did I do to deserve this life? I didn’t want this shit, I want to be in someone elses shoes, why can I have the things I want.
I want to look at everyone I’ve ever known in my life, in my 35 years of living and ask “are you happy now? that my life is now and forever meaningless” because since I can remember, my whole life everyone I’ve known, except my father has made sure my life sucks.
what do I have? nothing. I pray for God to make my dreams come true. why don’t I deserve the things I want, love?
and don’t tell me that hard work will help me because it hasn’t, and will never work. I can’t try hard to get with Maybell, because she is now married. she is his, and I don’t even know the guys name.
I talked to my sister and she told me to forget her, no way I can forget her. I never let go or forget my dreams, they are always with me. that dream of being with her is over now, and that was the dream I want the most. I have no hope. no woman can ever make me happy.
please tell me what I can do? this is the worst I’ve felt since I was a little kid, since I lost my father.
and to @John you have a chance, you can get any woman you want, because you’re not in love. you want any woman that fits your standards, and there are plenty of fish in the sea, you have alot of options and millions of opportunities. I’m screwed here because there’s only one Maybell. hope this cheered you up and opened your eyes.
I totally started dating my boyfriend by doing exactly what Shogo says here. Things started out kinda sexually/creepily because he was putting on lipchap and he made a funny face at me while he was doing it, so i said “Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me. I’d fuck me hard.”, making reference to Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs. Now, that’s something I would have said while joking around with my friends and not some random guy I barely knew, but I totally did. And then freaked out in my brain. And a little bit for real. But, he thought it was hilarious and got my phone number.
So we went on a date that weekend, and found that we hit it off really well friend-wise. We were drinking beer and I’m a bit of a lightweight, so once I was a little tipsy I let a few of my sexual thoughts out (like Shogo says to do). I got laid that night, and the weekend after that, and after a while we decided to take it to the next level and start dating, so I’m still getting laid.
All in all…. Good advice, Shogo! Trust me, readers… This works.
@Tom: I’m sorry to hear that buddy. I know how strong your feelings were for Maybell. I hope all works out, but don’t give up! There are a lot of women out there, and her getting married just means she’s not the one for you! I know that hurts, but you’ll fin the one who IS for you. Trust me. Sometimes it just happens later on, but it will happen, buddy. You’re only 35, and there IS a woman out there for you. You just gotta realize that if things don’t work out with one person, then they will with another.
Chin up!
I remember a dude from High school who had a lot of girls , and we all know at that age 15-16-17 , for a guy (a kidd) to have all that success is something special.
He had this thing he did…he was swearing a lot in front of girls…but somehow in a calm and controlled way…he could say to a hottie ‘hey fuck you, i don’t belive this story’ and with a smile on the face…
Only now i understood after 14 years what he was doing…
@Paula R sorry but no, I can’t move on. I don’t want to be with any other woman. I want my dreams, I deserve them, I’ve been through depression, regret, poverty, and pain for years upon years, more than 30 years now. I think I deserve at least one dream coming true, she was my biggest dream, now that dream is over.
not to sound mean but no woman can compare to Maybell, that’s why I love her, she’s better than every woman to me.
Paula, I understand you can’t always have what you want, but why can’t I have my dreams? why does everything I want, someone else has to steal/have? why can’t I have one thing I want?
now Paula, I know you know the things I’ve been through, all the bad things I’ve done in my life, be honest, do I deserve what is happening to me?
@tom – You’re wasting your time on a
“coaching” website. Coaching is for people who are at or above a certain “normal” (don’t take offense to that word, it’s mathematical, not judgmental) level of functioning and want to get ahead. You’d benefit from “counseling” and “therapy” to get you out of your slump. Read some books, talk to a professional, go to some peer support groups. Seriously, there’s nothing here for you, until you get through this “everything sucks” perspective. This is like someone in a wheel-chair spending their time on a high-jump forum and just getting depressed that they can’t jump as high as anyone else… First you need to get out of that wheelchair and walk! Until then, NOTHING GOOD WILL HAPPEN in your pursuit of high-jumping.
I can identify with you, but I can’t offer any sympathy. I used to be you. I used to do nothing but whine and complain when everyone I knew had “someone special” and I didn’t. I don’t have any specific answers, other than just because something worked for me (or a hundred other people) doesn’t mean it’ll work for you. You’ve got to find out what works for you… That is a big part of life in this world. All I can say is that hanging out here is NOT helping you.
It’s your life. Go live it; no one else will live it for you. If it’s broken, fix it; no one else will fix it for you. There’s no point bitching about it because, really, no one cares… But you already know that. Now go do something useful about it.
Hey Tom,
I got a recommendation for you. Get to one of David’s bootcamps as soon as you can! I bet It’ll whip you into shape. You’ll be able to ooze with good self-esteem for your future and find a good woman to settle down with.
Just started reading “naked”. It looks like the whole premise of the book is that you should show the world, especially potential mates, the most “authentic version” of who you really are.
Sounds like great advice. But what if,, you’re really….
An asshole?
I bet we all have some asshole in us. Maybe the book shows us how to cultivate the better parts to show on display to others? Well I’ll have to take a look and see…
@Tom
Hey Tom, I’d be intetested to know, what are your dreams?
i want some evaluation please? like if im talking to a girl and i see her bra do i point it out? or do i tell a girl she has a nice butt? or what? haha im kinda confused :p
This is a blog that hits close to home for me. I had such a hard time with the friend vibe. I’d always be thinking about how to give off a sexual vibe and if I was doing something wrong, did I get any ioi’s or did she turn her belly button to me and flip her hair? Was I being cool enough?
I was fun, but I was so in my head and uncomfortable that I couldn’t give off any sexual vibe. And then, exactly like Shogo writes, once I stopped trying it got a lot better. When I was just being me and getting deeper and personal with people, that’s when I started to notice sexual chemistry.
@John, If you’re an asshole, be an asshole. I don’t think you really are, but you’ve probably got some asshole thoughts. One of the best conversations I’ve had in the last week was with a girl I met at a bar over a debate with the bartender about whether she would rather be a stripper or an escort in Vegas.
I’m an asshole, and I love it!
ah forgot the
@John. See that sense of humor is funny. As for abundance factor, odds are on your favor. Look around. Have Fun
Hey Shogo, that’s right! The last weekend I did not care if I were to direct, or nonthreatening.
I was in a bar, with a friend, was talking to almost everybody and having a good time, we were sitting at the bar counter (“Theke”). Then I told my friend that I got a secret weapon in my backpack… It was a camera!
I told him, I was going to show him how to use it. So I took it out, and told one of the waitresses behind the counter to pose for the picture, and I took a couple. Then told my friend to try it, and pointed to another waitress. This waitress was a bit uptight but really does not matter…
After some time, the bar was really busy, and when the waitress, which I took the pictures, had a break, told her that I wanted a picture with her, because she was my fav waitress (and I really meant it, she is my fav!).
We took a couple of pics together and then told her to write me her e-mail, so I could send her the pictures. I have not got a date with her yet, because of several situations, but does not matter if I don’t get one, I know how to use the secret weapon!
actually approach anxiety is just not wanting to get hurt..
Approach anxiety is not wanting to get hurt…
I can agree with that statement, but Shogo is right that putting yourself in the position of not wanting to be hurt/hurt someone in essense eliminates your sexual edge. Hell, when im bangin’ around town with friends and I let myself speak my mind, most of what I say is full of innuendo. But I still supress that when talking to women I dont know, and I can see why not letting my desires out does not work out to be attractive. Some of my best female friends are the ones I met in situations where I didnt care, or already wrote them off as not dateable (some of them are married). One of my old coworkers moved out of state and one of the last things she said to me, with tremendous entheusiasm was “I’m really going to miss your innuendos!”
And yet I don’t do it with strangers, at least not yet. Once I close that gap, I should start having a lot more fun in my conversations.
To Tom: Not to be mean but you dont “deserve” anything. Everything you think you know is a lie. Stop talking about your feelings and start finding new helpful mentalities. Stop reading shit and immediately dismissing it or you’ll never get better.
You think I don’t understand the torturous pain it takes to change but I know more than most about that. If you are mentally ill it will take brutally hard stress to get through it but you will have to do it anyway. When you write all this shit it just helps fuel your addiction to pity.
Your obsession with this dumb chick Maybell is retarded. I can guarantee shes not even really what you want. Stop fucking typing and start listening.
And if that doesnt make sense heres your list of options: Kill yourself, Get better or die trying or Seek pity from others on internet for rest of miserable life.
As a woman who’s been following DW’s advice and now has a problem I thought I would never have — a few men “in rotation” who won’t leave me alone — I would like to weigh in on a few subtleties here (notwithstanding I understand there’s some “teaching to the middle” going on with the target audience).
From the original post — this
“You need to develop that sexual edge. Stand your ground. ”
is good.
This?
“Don’t be afraid of coming across a little offensive. Don’t be afraid of being abrasive.”
Not so much.
This article could change my life. I have exact same problem, and now am going to work on it, i ll come back. Thanks author