Happy Friday everybody, Shogo here with another weekend blog for you! Today I’ve got an email from a client I want to share–I know A LOT of you guys are going through the same thing:
I’ve been practicing what I’ve learned from you—using conversation skills, observations, etc—and I’ve become good at starting casual conversations in a very non-threatening manner. But from the reactions I get with women, I sense that I am giving off more a friendly vibe as opposed to a sexual vibe. I’m not trying to make a girl wet on the spot, I just don’t want to give the impression that I’m looking for a friend. I frequently gave a big friendly smile when striking up these conversations and I get a good reception, but I feel like a big puppy dog and I can feel the lack of sexual tension. So how can I use my smile, body language, tone, mindset, etc. to demonstrate my (not-so-friendly) intentions when approaching women? Thanks Shogo!
Jason, Grand Rapids, MI
I can tell from your first sentence what your issue is. You’re too concerned about approaching women in a very nonthreatening manner. That’s really what so-called “approach anxiety” is all about when it comes down to it. It’s not wanting to come across as a threat, not wanting to disturb the person you’re talking to, and not wanting to be seen as a jerk or a pervert.
The irony is that almost every single guy who is worried about being too threatening or coming across as a jerk is almost never threatening or a jerk. What happens is that you suppress yourself so much in your conversations with women that all you’re really doing is suppressing your sexual edge.
Now that doesn’t mean that you have to read a seduction book and infuse sexual words in your conversations or try to make a woman think sexual thoughts by touching her or sending subliminal messaging or whatever. That is creepy. And perverted.
The woman you’re talking to is either going to think sexual thoughts about you or she is not. You can’t change chemistry and you can’t change the way a woman imagines you. But you can change the way that you think and the way that you feel about yourself, so that when you come across the right woman down the road who senses your energy, sparks will fly and she will get turned on by you.
What you want to do is start conversations in a very casual manner, not in a nonthreatening manner. Forget about trying to be nonthreatening. Jason, I’ve talked to you on the phone, you already are a nonthreatening guy. You have a great vibe and a friendly demeanor. The problem is that you are most likely afraid of confrontation, and that’s where your edge comes from.
Now this is a big topic, but I’ll touch on it briefly.
You need to develop that sexual edge. Stand your ground. Don’t be afraid of coming across a little offensive. Don’t be afraid of being abrasive. Don’t be afraid of expressing what you are really thinking during the conversation. She’s a big girl, she can handle it. The more you start letting your sexual thoughts out, the more you will start owning your own sexuality and you won’t be letting your penis control every decision you make.
The big puppy dog smile is ok, as long as you’re being real. But the puppy dog smile is not ok when you’re doing it to mask what’s playing out behind the scenes.
What is happening is that you’re too wrapped up in coming across as nonthreatening that you’ve completely forgotten about saying what is really on your mind. We’re all a little dirty, we’re all a little perverted in our own minds. Men and women both. Be comfortable with it. Let those thoughts dance around in your head for a little bit, then let them out. That way, when the time is right you’re going to turn that Golden Retriever puppy smile into the sly Doberman that’s never had a trip to the vet smile.
It’s all in your mindset–body language, smile, tone, all that will follow–but you have to change your mindset first and foremost or you will come across as very contrived and pick-uppy.