Grow Some Balls
March 26, 2009 
58 Comments
I got an email from a friend of mine who is completely heartbroken. One of her best friends is a guy. They have been best friends for eight years. They are completely just buddies – she is like a sister to him and there is no sexual chemistry between them at all. She’s been friends with him through all of his relationships.
Now he has a girlfriend who has moved in with him and, all of a sudden, his girlfriend has started deciding with whom he is allowed to be friends. My friend is one of the people her friend’s girlfriend has forbid him to be friends with anymore . . . and he has agreed go along with this.
When my friend told me this and asked me what I thought, my answer was this: What is wrong with people?!
You have no right at all to ever tell your boyfriend or girlfriend with which people they can be friends. If you don’t like one of your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s friends, then don’t hang out with them.
My girlfriend has some friends that I’m not particularly fond of, and I simply do not hang out with them. What does it matter? They’re not my friends. They’re her friends.
That’s what makes her an individual. She enjoys them. I don’t need to enjoy friends of hers with whom I don’t particularly get along, just like she doesn’t need to enjoy friends of mine who don’t resonate with her.
When two people come together in a relationship, it’s still important that they remain individuals. You fall in love with someone because of the kind of individual they are.
The minute you start trying to manipulate or change the person you’re dating – whether it’s setting rules about what people they can have as friends, what they can wear or what they can do – that will be the beginning of the end of that relationship. It is disgraceful to do this.
Also, anyone out there who allows a significant other to dictate with whom they can be friends has lost respect for themselves. A relationship is about voicing your opinions. It’s about disagreeing and making compromises, but this is one compromise I would never make.
Another friend of mine was married for 17 years to a woman who I thought was truly the worst woman he could have married. Do you know what she did for 16 of the 17 years they were married? She forbid my friend to see his mother, along with dictating how he could act and reprimanding him for practically everything he ever did.
When he finally broke up with her, he didn’t know who he was as a man or what he stood for in life. He finally has a relationship again with his mother, and has realized that his mother is actually a good person. It was just all the negative chatter he heard over and over again about his mother from his ex-wife.
If you’re with someone who wants to control your life or wants to change who you are as a person, then it’s time to really take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror and realize it’s time to learn who you are. It’s time to embrace yourself so you can understand why you’re attracting people like this.
I have never tried to change anyone, but I have lived through not being able to have the friends I choose to an extent. The thing the first time you experience it you don’t really understand what is going on before much later. At the time I had so many other things going on I never felt it as I had lost respect for myself, or maybe those other things just was so much important than me. It ends up being a bigger picture where there are a lot of greys, but in end if I was that miserable I would not have continued. But as anything thing is life it’s a process and all we can do is learn from previous mistakes and not dwell them.
I think your friend’s friend is a pussy – wouldn’t tolerate this from a girlfriend of mine.
Great blog David!
I feel bad for your friend. Sucks to lose a friend that way.
I like the point you make at the end — While I originally was just thinking “What IS wrong with these people?” when I read the beginning of the blog, what you said at the end is really the most important thing. It’s all about looking inside to see why you attract (and why you are so contented to go along with) people like these ones. Figuring out why you do attract this kind of person is the bigger issue.
Thanks David!
I’m talking to this guy for awhile now and he has the whole package I’m looking for. I’m a picky person with high standards and finding a person like him is hard. Well the past few days he’s been thinking about joining the marines and I knew about it. He also knows I didn’t support it. So we talked yesterday night and he suddenly asked me out, it took awhile for me to say yes. I also asked him why he would ask me out if he’s going to the marines, forgot what he said. But then today he told me he thought about it day and night and doesn’t want me to get dragged along into a future that is unsure and he doesn’t want me to worry or get hurt.
I understand his reasoning well but it still hurts me. Inside I felt cheated, to have been given hope in an instant and lose it suddenly. But he says I’m still a special person to him and there’s future possibilities that we could date. Though thats hopeful, it makes it hard on my part if someone else comes along. (For me, this guy will have make me set the bar really high for the next guys that comes along–they have to be as good as him or better). So, if I’m talking to other guys but theres still the thought of chances with this guy, I wouldn’t know what to do. Its like a double jeopardy. What should I do?
Sadly I’ve known way too many relationships that were like those just described. For a long time, I was disenchanted with the idea of commitment until I realized that things don’t have to be that bad at all. Now I think those problems result from never taking the time to figure out who you are as a person and it’s one mistake I will try my best never to make.
I was watching the Millionaire Matchmaker the other day for research purposes and it made me laugh. If you don’t know what the show is, it’s about a matchmaker that exclusively works with rich clients and pairs them up with typically younger people that she thinks are good matches for them. She claims to have a 97% success rate for her matches but she never explains what the factors for her to qualify a success are.
The show focuses on guys. But I happened to catch an episode where they had a fourty something salon owner single woman from Michigan. She came on the show and gave off this “I’m a succesful business woman and I know what I want to find” attitude. Patti, the host of Matchmaker, instantly found her to be in denial mode and she even told her to her face that she was superficial about what she was looking for. She doesn’t say this to the guys, because we all know that anyways. But this woman got offended and tried to defend herself against the attacks. She wound up storming out of the office in a fit because she couldn’t even get along with Patti, her matchmaker.
She eventually comes back and they set her up on a few dates. The guys are young, handsome, and trying to connect with her. She sizes them up, enjoys herself because she feels young around these young guys, and then kisses them good night, or something like that. My feelings were that both guys were not interested in her at all and were being polite. She thought she was on fire with her connection.
Anyways, she says she knows what she likes and for both guys (one was a hipster, the other a high fashion type) she stated that she wanted to completely redo their wardrobe or she wouldn’t be happy with them and the worst part was she was serious. She doesn’t want the man in her life to have his own fashion choices. At the end of the show, the update for her says “She never went out with either of them again and is still looking for her LA boyfriend.” Translation. She is not going to find what she is looking for if she, like David says above, tries to manipulate the connection.
It feels the same way with the rules about who you can talk to and who you can’t. I dress well, but I dress well for my style, which is California t-shirt bum. I know I could add more versatility to my wardrobe but I don’t want someone coming in and saying to be with me you have to dress exactly how I saw. If you want that in a relationship, get a dog and hope he/she doesn’t mind you putting those ridiculous sweaters on them because that is how you are going to make them feel. Like a dog.
Mike
Kismet,
“Inside I felt cheated, to have been given hope in an instant and lose it suddenly.”
What do you mean by this statement? He was being honest with you. You were honest with him. It didn’t work out now, but when he is done his tour in four years, would you try to see him again?
And what’s up with the bar you are talking about? David tells me all the time it’s good to be picky, but I’m still alone at 31 because of how picky I am. So because of a picky nature, a teenage life of being picked on, and a adult devotion to creating art, I push away every single person I meet because no one meets the bar I set for myself, at least no one I’ve met. Is that what you want? You are going to hurt yourself more by trying to match everyone to this ideal rather than take everyone you meet as a way to establish a new bar.
imho.
No guy wants a girl that constantly compares herself to other girls, that’s a turn-off even if you’re the hot one.
Why does a girl want to have that competition work for the men in their lives? If you found one perfect person and it didn’t work out then you should reframe your thinking to the lines that if you found one, then there has to be other ones out there too instead of no-one is going to match up the guy I found but lost. Seems silly to me.
Thanks for the reply.
I dont know why I felt cheated, it was just an emotional reaction. About setting the bar, its like, if you dated someone and break up, you can’t settle for lesser than the last one. That doesn’t make sense either. And its also about the mirror thing: you attract who you are like David said. This guy was my equal. And yes I would like to try again in the future but you don’t know what the future brings, things and people change, especially being in the marines, that will definitely change a person. The problem for me is hanging onto what could be that would be worth it (but not available) while meeting someone else who is available in your life.
I also wonder if I somehow motivated him to be apart instead. When he asked me I hesitated for a long time only because i had my reasons. I also asked him why would he ask me out if he’s going to join the marine. And so when he broke the news today, he said he already saw the burden it weighed on me yesterday. Is it really a situation where I just have to let go?
Kismet,
What do you have to loose just go out with him, just don’t have any expectations other that you are going out as friends. I Call him and say you would like just to go out and talk. I have the feeling this is otherwise going to be one of those I wish I could have done anything.
But he’s the one saying we should stay friends for now because with him being in the marines will only hurt and worry me. Its his call, not mine. And we’re also long-distance too…
>>>>>I also asked him why would he ask me out if he’s going to join the marine.
Is there a rule that says future marines can not ask others out???
As Marina said, go out with him and enjoy yourself. If the distance is too much of a problem and it just does not appear “worth” it, don’t. You are thinking in your head way too much!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>I was watching the Millionaire Matchmaker the other day for research purposes
a.movie, you need to get a real job man! You live in a bubble artificial world….Millionaire Matchmaker….only in LA!
To get back on topic:
Women who do this and guys who obey are VERY undesirable to me! Major pussy whipped, they are not men! Too bad to lose a friend like this. Just tell him to contact you next anytime….and I bet you it will be when she is not around….hopefully it’s not going to take years!
I saw “I love you Man” last night. I really enjoyed it! The guy who plays Peter is just awesome in his roles.
I’ve had girlfriends who’ve had guy-friends that I knew liked them. These guys simply didn’t have the guts to confess their love & they were waiting for the “right moment”. Most guys would try to put a stop to these “friendships”, but my attitude is that I’m not threatened by other guys, especially guys who hover around hot girls like groupies and can’t go for what they want.
Any girl with good taste will love me and be faithful. If she chooses another guy over me then she’s nuts and doesn’t deserve to be with me anyway. Every guy should find their path, start moving towards their ideal-self, and adopt the same frame of mind. Eclipse the other guys she hangs with and you won’t have to worry about them at all.
David Gideon
The ones who replied:
I agreed to date him, but the day after he decided its better if we don’t. You guys make it seem like I’m choosing not to be with him.
Dan,
You have no idea how comfortable this bubble is. I feel like I fit in here. Besides, someones got to make movies for everyone else to talk about later on, right?
kismet,
It sounds to me like he is scared. Does his family have a history of being in the military? If so, has he lost anyone through being in the military? That might make his own chioce to go more difficult. And they just said today that they are sending more troops to Afghanistan and a Marine would certainly be one of them.
Without knowing too much aobut your situation and by no means trying to claim to be an expert, I would talk to him about how you feel. Possibly mention that you are aware of the risks he is taking and you know how important that is to him but you would still like to try.
I hope it works out for both of you.
Mike
I have said that I don’t mind. But like he said, his conscience won’t allow him to put me in that situation. He wants to go because he feels like he’s not accomplishing anything in life by just going to school and partying. I think alot of guys feel the same way and thats why they want to join the navy or marines. I think he’s being too reckless with his decision, but he feels it will discipline him. Its really his choice. After saying I don’t mind and would like to try, its just up to him now.
I’m saying what he is telling you is his conscious sounds to me more like his fear. Which if I’m on the right track, is a good thing, but like you said in an earlier post, he might change anyways going into the marines. They would eat up a self serving little LA boy like me in a heartbeat.
hahaha this is mutherfucking deal breaker for both you and me Mr. Wygant
a.movie:
I dont understand the fear part…
This guy has great confidence, cocky and funny too. I just hope he doesnt become an arrogant jerk.
Him allowing me to have hope only make it more difficult for me because it stops me from dating other people if i know we can be together later. Sighs…
This sucks because I just found the right guy for me and we can’t even have a chance together.
kismet,
If he’s going to school and then feels the need to join the military to straighten him up, then it seems like he has no direction in life. He sounds like a “bad” boy who, like you said, parties and wants to make something of himself but sees no other way besides joining the military. What makes him so special that you wouldn’t want to date anyone of lesser quality than him? In the first few posts, before your last one, you made him out to be some kind of sophisticated, responsible kind of guy, saying it is hard to find a guy like him. I can point out several party guys who are, pretty much, losers living at home who could use a dose of discipline form the Marines boot camp.
Dave
This blog reminds of me of so many things I have been told…I know this one couple that he is just friends with her. The story goes…He met this other woman and said to her that he had certain friends that he will not part with this included the woman he knew for years…As the relationship took place she try to get him to let go of his friends…Now what bothers me is this when I was married to the four different individuals for the exception of one tried to break me and my family up. Today that has changed…Thanks for the reminder…See you on the blog tomorrow.
He may party now and then, but he’s an intelligent, interesting, passionate guy who expects alot out of himself, life and people, just like me. I think its his location, living on a farm and almost like in the middle of nowhere. He’s actually a good boy with the adventerous side. Also with my ethnicity, its hard to find the type of guy who is fulfilling different areas such as school, personality, fashion sense, looks, goals etc. Most of the guys of my eithnicity always lack in one or more area.
Maybe it’s time to start looking outside your ethnicity. Sounds like people of your ethnicity aren’t that ambitious or good looking or stylish.
Hey don’t say that about them MAC! I’m just picky…lol. Interracial dating is pretty difficult for my ethnicity…
So this guy lives on a farm? How did you meet this guy? And how far is the distance between you too? Is the great distance you calculated on foot? I didn’t know Omish people partied.
my bad, Amish.
Why are you being so offensive MAC? I met him online. We talked on the phone, seen photos of eachother and all. He’s two states away. And he’s not Omish fyi. I dont even know what Omish is, if you mean Amish…
Yes, I meant Amish. I corrected myself. And I’m not being offensive, I’m just funny like that.
On a serious note, two states away seems like it’s not likely to work out. Not impossible, but not likely either. I think you have to get out more. The whole online dating thing….well, I can’t remember if David W. has said anything on the topic but I’m sure you can get some input here.
Don’t take it personal what I said. i was just kidding.
Ah! Found one! The wonders of the Search feature:
http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/how-to-successfully-go-from-online-to-real-life-6-key-tips/
Its ok, not taking it personal.
So what’s your ethnicity? Does it start with the letter H?
H? What are you thinking of? My ethnicity is personal. But feel free to guess and if you’re right I’ll tell you.
It really doesn’t matter what your ethnicity is.
Kismet,
You said:
<<<<>>>>
Why do you feel your ethnic counterparts don’t measure up?
I posted a comment that still awaits moderation, but it was a blog on online dating that I found using the search engine here. Try and search for it. It’s called How To Successfully
Darn! It hid the quote I quoted you on:
“”Also with my ethnicity, its hard to find the type of guy who is fulfilling different areas such as school, personality, fashion sense, looks, goals etc. Most of the guys of my eithnicity always lack in one or more area.”"
I dont know. Thats just how I feel and the way I see it. I’m sure it could be the same for any ethnicity. In all, its just hard to find a guy that meets most of your expectations
Do you mean ethnicity or religion?
Just for the record, guys can be just as demanding of who a woman is friends with. I’ve had a few boyfriends over the years who were downright pissy about the male friends in my life…the vast majority of whom were seriously very, very gay so it’s not like there was ever any danger of crossing a line. We all went to college together (during the disco era) so having gay friends was great if you wanted to go dancing and actually have a regular dance partner.
Over the years, men have become much more tolerant, understanding, whatever and I have never waffled on my male friends then or now. They all hold serious positions of public trust like school administrators, educators, and international bankers with impeccable manners. If you are so fragile and intolerant of someone else’s sexual orientation, I’m really not interested in dating you or introducing you into my highly valued personal circle of acquaintances.
Last year when my brother was visiting, he asked me what I would change in my dating life or history. I didn’t have to think twice: to date guys with some balls! I am sick to death of dating one pussy after another. I’m not talking about soft-spoken or mild-mannered people…I’m talking about guys who are more concerned about what their mothers or their families will think. Or for that matter, what their posse will think! If you don’t want a woman to try to re-make you, then don’t get involved with a woman and expect to re-make her! Step outside the box inside your mind and try to stretch yourself enough to actually enjoy people who seem really different from what you’re used to – you might learn some things about yourself and who you really are.
K
Most fear change, they have comfort in status quo. Homophobic people are just little people insecure of their own sexuality.
But as David would have put, why do you think you keep attracting those guys, maybe you for some reason are attracting those types.
Let me share with you. My biggest issue have been with any kind of connection seem always to a degree that people very easily take me for granted and very easily think the can walk all over me. I know its mainly due to an unselfish drive to understand and help. I have been in a relationship where my partner would not have understood male friends. This came in my opinion from a insecurity/control angel. Looking outside my own box I know it got a lot to do with not putting my foot down firmly from the beginning. You have to look at yourself that if similar thing keep on happening maybe we have a pattern of behavior that attracts it.
Without getting too deep into the psychology here, setting “rules” about who someone can or can not spend time with is the biggest red flag of insecurity if I’ve ever seen one.
NEXT! :O)
I’ve been looking at that angle and while I am a take-me-as-I-am person, clearly I am giving off some kind of vibe or message that says that I may be “pliable” in some way that is NOT true. I enjoy a variety of people just as they are and I despise people trying to control others as if they have a right to do so. I suspect that some of my personality traits may be more common in people who ARE insecure controllers. I did grow up in a family business so I have an agreeable public persona. We were raised to keep a certain distance from strangers until we got to know them a bit better. Perhaps it’s that initial “safety perimeter” training that has gotten in the way.
But I can not imagine telling anyone who they are ALLOWED to associate with – that is getting into crazy territory – or having someone tell me something like that and expect me to agree. Not only no, but hell, no! Fortunately, it does not happen much any more and I think that part of that is because society has changed (for the better) and the ability to manipulate others is far less valued than it used to be.
DanTheOriginal,
Thanks for trying to keep this on topic
And thanks for your post…
I am the “heartbroken friend” of David’s, and while I keep thinking exactly what you said, i.e., that he’ll eventually wake up and want to be friends again, I unfortunately don’t think that’s going to happen. He said she is 100% for sure “the one,” and there is nothing more important in his life than keeping her.
Too bad…it sucks and I hate losing him as my friend (and a best friend at that!)
BTW — There are two of us “K’s” on here …
K
Sorry to hear it, only time will tell. People really do some fuck’ed up things sometimes. I really wish you the best.
Thanks Marina
Overall I try to not let the things I can’t control get to me, and this quote about Love in all shapes and forms has very often turned true. Sometimes way too long after the break, but they somehow find their way back if it was meant to be.
If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don’t, they never were.
Kahlil Gibran
I don’t know if is this quote will be of help to you, but I just wanted to share. A precious bond between two friends is amazing, I really feel your loss.
First off, thank you David for yet another dead-on blog.
I can relate to this kind of situation. A close friend of mine has a very controlling girlfriend. They’re engaged now. He lost my respect, as well as his freedom. I don’t see him too often anymore, because I just can’t stand a man that willingly loses his own control. I do not think they are in love; I think she just needed someone to tie a leash onto and he gave up on himself.
GROW A PAIR!!
K:
I am sorry for your loss. Just ‘perhaps’ he was never the friend you thought him…
Kismet,
I hear a lot of what your potential guy wants… what do you want?
Just because he told you he might not want to hurt you doesn’t mean you can’t tell him that you don’t mind dating him.
You have to learn to date with no expectations.
For you to learn to not put so much expectations on outcomes on dating, you got to learn to be grateful… you want to see how much you can learn from each guy, from each relationship.
He claims he doesn’t want to hurt you… or make you worry… that’s his fears talking. It’s not his ego… or his desire to take care of you. He’s afraid of losing you.
How about this? How about you go out with him, date him… and take him for what he can give you. Even if eventually, one of you guys might hurt each other,…. maybe you’ll learn to see him for who he was… and really accepted him for what he could give you given the circumstances.
And in the end, you’ll learn to be grateful for the kind of guy he is… and for the experience, memories, relationship you’d both have… because he was there!
And by just being there… he was a gift to you… b/c he gave himself to you, even if it didn’t last happily ever after.
Khiem:
Thanks. We are still talking although I thought we would ignore eachother after his decision. Right now we’re just in a gray zone, not dating but not just friends either. Its confusing because I don’t know where to set the lines for him and me, for me and other guys. (But that doesn’t mean I will do anything to disrespect our current relationship). Well I gave him my word and he won’t take it but we’ll see how things go from here. =)
What do you mean you gave him your word?
Just because you told him once you’d date him doesn’t mean he really got the message. He bases his decision on your reaction more than just your words.
And if you hesitated… then it made him have more reservations.
Maybe you should reach out to him and actually ask him out. Sometimes, you got to lead first
I told him several times and gave reasons why it wouldn’t matter if he goes to the marines and suggest he could do national guard instead–which he agreed to. Asking him out…would that make sense after he asked me then told me its best to stay friends?
In a better mood now grow some balls we have too many guys on this blog that they have balls bigger than their heads lol
Kismet,
How about you put your fears aside and just ask him out once or twice even though he told you it’d be best to stay friends.
Even if you guys don’t go out, you will know that you went after what you wanted. So there will be no regrets.