I had something interesting come up while I was just talking to a client. Actually, he’s a future client and a really good guy. His name is Tony, and I really want to dedicate this blog to him.
I’m dedicating this blog to Tony because I think we’re at the same point in our lives. Even though we are not particularly close in age (he’s 39 years old and I’m 46 years old), I believe he and I are at the same point in our lives when it comes to the kind of connection we want to have with women.
Tony and I had a discussion about how we want more than to “just connect” with women, because we’ve already had that with women. We also want more than to just have sex with women, because we’ve already done that with women. It’s about looking for something more than these things.
It’s about connecting with someone on an emotional level so deep that you’re able to really let go of everything you ever wanted to be, to feel and to experience. Life should be all about doing that.
Not only that, but being in love is something that you need to celebrate every day. You need to celebrate being in love.
You need every single day to tell the person you love that you love them. You need every single day to share your thoughts, your feelings, and your emotions with the person you love. If you don’t, then you’re not celebrating your love.
When it comes down to intimacy, you have to really forget about everything you’ve ever done in the past. You need to forget about everything your body has learned, and then totally succumb and give yourself to somebody else.
Learn new things. Feel new things. Experience new things. By doing that, you are going to be able to achieve levels of intimacy that you’ve always craved and desired.
A lot of people in life are very programmed. Sexually, for instance, if you ask a man or woman what they like they will tell you … but what they are telling you is really what they have liked up to that point. Where they are with you at that moment is not just what’s happened in the past.
Being with you is something that’s totally new and different. So you need to take old information into consideration while also moving forward learning new things, because in life celebrating your love is really all about experiencing and sharing new things every day with someone.
You want to celebrate that love by not always expecting things to be the same, and by being open to whatever the other person brings to the table. This pertains to all areas of your relationship.
One of the greatest ways to do this with your lover is to try something new or do something different with them every week. So, for example, let’s say that there is something that is part of your sexual routine every night (maybe it’s the position, that you always give oral sex, or that they always perform oral sex on you).
In that situation, one day a week you instead could spend time trying other things. You could spend time just touching each other in different ways, teasing each other in different ways, learning to do things in different ways or exploring each other in different ways.
Outside of the sexual context, maybe you’ve taken on certain roles in the relationship that you could exchange. If your partner has been the person who always calls first, for instance, then try reaching out and being that other person by texting them first thing in the morning.
The bottom line is that you really need to do things that are going to celebrate your love every single day in new and exciting ways. It took so long to find this person and to realize what this person was going to be in your life. Why, then, would you do anything except celebrate that love every single day?
Personally, I’m still looking for that one girl that I can REALLY connect with. In general, I always try to appreciate people for whoever they are and find attractive qualities about them. But as far as that DEEP level of connection is concerned, I just haven’t seen anything close in my own life for a long time now. Sometimes I wonder if it’s really THAT hard to find or just me.
Taras, wow.
I’m in the same boat (but looking for a guy that I can connect with). But I know it will come for both of us. Someday. Somewhere. It’s funny the way love is.
And sometimes when you think you found it, you realize it was just infatuation. So finding that connection that is beyond the frills is amazing.
I love your posts, David.
-Britta
In his book Passionate Marriage sex therapist David Schnarch…
To cultivate genuine intimacy the focus in a relationship must shift from the desire to be validated – seeking approval and praise – to the desire to be known. In order for the love and passion in a relationship to grow over time, both partners must be willing to be known, and this means gradually disclosing their innermost selves – their desires, fears, fantasies, dreams – even when those do not show them in the most favorable light. Over the years, partners can create an increasingly comprehensive ‘love map’ of one another’s world – a deeper and deeper understanding of their partner’s values, passions, concerns, and hopes.
The process of knowing and being known is, potentially, never-ending, as there is always more that can be revealed, always more that can be discovered. The relationship, therefore, is far more likely to remain interesting, exciting, stimulating. Being together – whether talking over a coffee, caring for children, or making love – becomes so much more meaningful and pleasurable when our focus shifts from validation to knowing and being known.”
Do you really think most men have really, really connected with a woman beyond just the physical chemistry level? I believe it is possible that they have. I’m not sure most of the men I’ve met and dated in the last year even have a clue what that would be like to experience. Further, I don’t think they even have a clue how to go about getting there. It isn’t that they are bad men or inadequate men or ill-intentioned men. I simply think that when it comes to really igniting a woman’s imagination and capturing her heart and keeping it…it’s just a big elusive mystery to most men. And quite frankly, it isn’t their fault. Women, for the most part, are not exactly programmed to be clear about what they want and need in relationship. I do think that men, just as much as women truly do seek that deep connection. I’m not sure many of us have a handle on how to get there.
Love your blog by the way! You made me think about far more than just showing love daily. I’m going to put you on my blogroll…not like you need any readers, but it will make it so much easier for me to get back here daily. Again, thanks.
Cat
Cat,
So would you consider the following a good example of connecting?
Me: “Baby, come get some”
Her: “Yum yum, give me some!”
Lexi,
I really enjoyed that excerpt you posted here….So much so I am showing her to my wife to reignite the 3some conversation she did not like too much when I raised it:-)
Another great blog!
Anyone wanting to read about true life love like this…. read Robert Browning & Elizabeth Barrett Browning!
DanTheOriginal – would that include a 3some with another man? or woman?
Love is an act of daily self-expression and self-creation in relation to your lover. You can only develop true intimacy if you both share yourself with one another.
Dan,
Be sure and read the whole book. I think there is nothing wrong with you letting her know you want a threesome, and I think there is nothing wrong with her not wanting one. Can you accept each other in spite of it?
Lexi.
LOL RJ
RJ:
3some with a woman but I am not opposed to play with another couple or more, the more the merrier:-)
Lexi: I have put that book on my to read list, thanks.
>>>>>>>I think there is nothing wrong with you letting her know you want a threesome, and I think there is nothing wrong with her not wanting one. Can you accept each other in spite of it?
Well, I sure don’t but we need to accept each other for the sake of our kids. Long story, it gets complicated. I will be in Vegas soon and what I do there it will stay in Vegas:-)
Hi, David. I’m back, hehe..
Been away from your blog for too long a while now, I realize. Anyways, I like this blog.. it’s simple and important. I love this post:
“The process of knowing and being known is, potentially, never-ending, as there is always more that can be revealed, always more that can be discovered. The relationship, therefore, is far more likely to remain interesting, exciting, stimulating. Being together – whether talking over a coffee, caring for children, or making love – becomes so much more meaningful and pleasurable when our focus shifts from validation to knowing and being known.”
This is the perfect example of why so many relationships go down the drain, we don’t realize our own dynamics and how we have all the potential in the world to develop ourselves, and that for a relationship to remain interesting, exciting etc it takes nothing more than to know each other and wanting to get to know each other’s developments.. Some relationships are doomed even before they start to develop because both or one of the partners are not willing to share.. it’s sad…I’m in a relationship now with this amazing guy and this blog made me realize how I need to celebrate our love.. Even though we’re both 20.. it’s all about sharing
Have a nice day!!
This is a great post. It makes me feel romantic again
I am in a relationship with a woman that I met on World of Warcraft. We have that magical moment when we met. We met on a boat in this virtual world. Well to make a long story even longer I have moved across the country to be near her. Thats where this blog comes in. I try to celebrate our love every day. We hit it off good immediattely. But now that we are past the honeymoon stage, I find myself still in that validation zone with her. I constantly try to get her past it as I feel I am opening up to her with my deepest thoughts and desires. I am looking for the way to get her past this point. I know she loves me but she is not in the same place as I am. So I find myself wanting her validation, when deep down I want to get to that magical level of connection. I am 38 and I am at that point in my life where I want that deepest form of connection. She is 32 and I dont know if she is there or not.