10 Signs You’re Being Needy
By David Wygant
In my ten years of coaching men and women on the perils of dating and relationships, the one journey women tell me they never want to go on again is meeting and hanging out with the “needy and clingy” man. Nothing turns women off more than a guy who is really needy.
Now, I can practically hear men’s voices protesting from everywhere, saying “But David, there are a lot of needy women too!” This blog is not about them . . . it’s about YOU.
Below are ten signs that you are being needy. Remember you are trying to attract women, not turn them off. So if you suffer from any of these signs of neediness, you need to immediately stop those actions.
1. You just walked a woman to her door at the end of a date. Instead of kissing her, you ask her if she had a good time. Women are attracted to confident men. They don’t want to have to tell you that they had a good time on a date . . . they want you to be secure enough in yourself to assume that they had a good time.
2. You called a woman last night and she has not yet called you back, so you either email her or call her again to ask her if she received your message. If you want to push her away, this is one of the best ways to get her to quickly run away from you.
3. You start texting a woman you just began dating five or six times a day. You are over-texting her. You don’t need to be checking in every two hours. That’s a sign of neediness and clingy behavior that turns women off.
4. You miss a call on your cell phone from a phone number that you don’t recognize. You call the woman you’re dating, and to whom you talked just two hours before, and ask “Did you just call me?” This kind of behavior is going to push and scare her away.
5. You agree with everything the woman you’re dating says. Women are not looking for a man who agrees with everything they say. Women want a man who challenges them and from whom they can learn. When a man agrees with everything a woman says, he is telling her that he’ll do ANYTHING to have a relationship (which is another sign of being needy).
6. The woman you’re dating is out for the evening with her friends. She promised to call you when she got home. It’s getting late and you haven’t heard from her. You just can’t resist and you call her cell phone several times until she answers it. This is a sign of being needy and insecure. She’s out with her friends . . . not out with another guy. Let her have some personal space and she’ll respect you more.
7. You are too available. If you have plans with a friend, keep those plans even if the woman you’re dating asks you to do something that night. Women don’t want men who are like a 7-Eleven – convenient and ready 24/7.
8. You try to please a woman all the time. I’m all about men doing nice things for women, but she has to earn it. Some men will let a woman walk all over them, and then continue to be a sponge and allow it over and over again. Stand up for yourself and she’ll respect you more. Letting a woman walk all over you is a clear sign to her that you’re needy.
9. Don’t be afraid to challenge a woman. If you don’t agree with something a woman says, don’t just sit there and agree with her thinking it’s what she wants. Women are looking for someone who is going to stimulate their mind . . . not bore them. Women are not turned on by men they can completely control.
10. Be the man! Have a plan and stick with it. Women like men who plan out evenings of fun. Don’t always ask a woman what she wants to do. Listen to what she likes when you’re having conversations with her, then come up with a fun plan that you will already know she’ll like. A needy man will do whatever a woman wants. A man of action will create plans for what they will do. Being a man of action will lead her to find you a lot more attractive in the long run.
Women are attracted to men who are confident and real. Women want to feel like you need them . . . but only after you already have your own life, your own ambitions and your own goals.
The moment a man starts getting too clingy, a woman will run for the hills. This is exactly like how you will pull back from a woman who becomes clingy and needy.
If any of the items on this list resonates with you, then I suggest you eliminate that behavior so women will no longer see you as needy. For more tips on becoming less needy, check out my Men’s Audio Mastery Series by clicking right here, or send me an email with the subject line “Needy Man In Need Of Help!”
Right on David, I just broke it off with a Needy guy on Friday night. Everything he did make me feel like he didn’t care who I was — just that I was female — because he wants a girlfriend so badly.
Dead on !!!
yeah, needy is bad, but it is so hard not to be when women never give you a chance. A person can become so starved for that that when they get a glimmer of hope it’s time to latch on. At this point in my life, all I care about is that she is female. Beggars can’t be choosers. Loneliness and constant rejection eventually drives a man not to care. So how exactly can this be conquered? Of course if you are needy, getting a little of what you need can help, but how is this if they are repelled by your need?
Hmmm, as I read this, the thought that crosses my mind is the question “what is needy?”
I know this blog is centralized around the guys today, but I am going to generalize here if I may.
When I read the word “needy,” I visualize a homeless person holding out a tin cup for change.
Is needy having a desire to be close to someone of the opposite sex?
Is needy a condition that a person must get control of?
I think we all have numerous needs deep down inside of us. Their is a need in each one of us to be touched by another. The need to have an intimate connection with someone is a normal human emotion.
Funky1;
That “starvation” you refer to is your need to be wanted and desired.
Your post makes me sad in the fact that you seem like a very caring person and have just hooked up with some crummy women.
There are women out there who appreciate the things a man does, and loves to do for the man as well.
There is an old saying that says this;
“I need you because I want you, I don’t want you because I need you.”
Too many times have I seen that behavior from friends toward their dates.
The reason being is that instead of just being the independent person that they should be, they get the idea and mentality that they should be blessed to even have a date and thus they would do abttgubgto keep her. This usually leads to them changing their behavior around the lady in question from being the secure, confident man that they liked to becoming insecure and coming of as controlling person. They won’t give them room to breath anymore. But changing those behaviors a
is harder due go the fact that it is psychologicaly burned in their mind and they literally need new social programming in those situations.
Funky 1
Don’t worry man you’re not alone. There are plenty of guys that are in that catch-22 situation. I have been. But you’re in the right place to fix it, David’s advice is gold!!! Do some mining through these blogs & his videos and your sure to strike it rich.
Whats worse is when she comes on all strong, you get a taste for her (so to speak
) and then she pulls back. But by then you’re already hooked, like a drug addict, you do ridiculous things to try to get your next fix. Harsh indeed
I agree that the starvation Funky1 speaks of is his need to be wanted and desired. I bet, however, that he wants to be wanted and desired for who he is — and not just because he is a man. Well, that’s how a woman feels. ..she wants to be desired for who she is as well. So, if she thinks he would respond the way he does to any ole woman, she doesn’t feel special. He just likes the fact that she is female. So, Funky1, as hard as it may be, you’ve first got to decide that you are worthy of being liked, and when you meet a woman, decide if you actually like her for her before you “latch on.”
Its odd how the dates where I had the worst time never ever ask if I had a good time. I don’t think I would see that as lacking confidence. It would actually be refreshing though I suppose you could word it differently so it doesn’t take on the needy appearance. My worst dates have always been with those men who are legends in their own minds. Every other guy I’ve at least found one or two things I can appreciate about them and the date. The legendary men have been all ego, boring as hell, and behave as though its some sort of honor that they deigned to ask you out. One was so hideous as to tell me on a couple of occasions during the date what I was thinking….which of course wasn’t what I had been thinking at all and he would have been very surprised to find out what was really on my mind.
I have friends that are guilty of those 10 signs David lists and it is never a pretty sight or result. Being needy is very unappealing, whether male or female.
11. Keep saying repeatedly that how pretty she is!
She might like it if we are saying one or two time. But if we continuously saying how beautiful our date is, it tend to reduce the sincerity.
Bertie
What was on your mind?
Well actually he was trying worm his way into my bed and he had said I’ll bet you’re wondering if I’ll see you again if you sleep with me. I was thinking gee you’re an asshat of humongous proportions….a legend in your own mind…when is this going to be over? What I said was that does not really factor into my decision about whether or not to sleep with a man. All that is really important to that decision is whether I want sex or not.
Bertie, your comment over the “legendary” man made me laugh. I have met a few of those, and you just hit the nail on the head with that description
It’s nice to hear that it is both men and women who can be “needy”. I’ve been needy in the past and it’s not a good place to be. Think I am past it all now, thankfully.
Great blogs Dave, for this post and the one the day before. Sorry, had to play catch up!
Okay David, I have to chime in here. On matters of dating, I’m usually pretty happy to defer to your expertise and experience. But I was married for 26 years, and so I think I could contribute a few words from my perspective.
As Joan a Bertie have alluded to, there’s a difference between “need” and “want,” just as there’s a difference between “confident” and “arrogant.” The trick is finding the elusive dividing lines. If we try to negotiate the path between those poles, we’re bound to cross over on one side or the other on occasion. But if you give enough of yourself to be a little vulnerable, in my experience, your partner will cut you some slack.
In fact, if you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable, you’re not likely to sustain the relationship over the long haul. A woman is likely to feel you’re just an act with no authenticity, one that will eventually wear thin. If you’re going to live together, there are just too many issues and uncertainties to deal with over the course of a decade or more (especially if you have kids) to maintain that seemingly invulnerable “confident male” persona 100 per cent of the time. You have to be able to accept support from your partner as well as give it.
It’s a balancing act and a hell of a lot of work. A true relationship is a real commitment, not something you cut and run from at the first sign of difficulty.
I could go on and on here, but I think I’ve said enough for now.
David– Now that you blogged about how much is too much…. What are your thoughts on how much TO DO to maintain momentum through a week (or weeks) between dates without over-doing it? I generally figure alternating one or two texts and a call every couple of days and that seems to work OK.
DW’s list is spot-on. Neediness is very unattractive and needs to be crushed if you want to have any hope in dating.
David DeAngelo, among others, talks a lot about being a guy who is just really busy. Don’t act busy, BE busy and have a lot going on in your life. This includes work, friends, personal projects, fun stuff, whatever. Don’t make one chick or dating in general the center of your universe. You want to always call the shots, determine the logistics, and be the dominant end of the equation (if you’re a guy). Make her chase after you and live in a state of abundance.
For funky1 and others, you might want to consider buying some of DW’s products or even getting coaching from him. That’s a sure path to destroying neediness and becoming a superstud!
“Needy” also starts to tread on my independence, and that is a bad, bad thing. Hopefully, they like me because of that independence. So why, then, should they start quashing it with “did you just call me” and “of course I’m available.”
Relatedly, an Ex approached me a few nights ago to tell me that he didn’t feel like we spent enough time together. Now, one of the attractions to dating him was that he understood that I work awkward and random hours, sometimes arriving home at 4p and more often arriving home at 1 or 2a. So really, I never had time or interest in doing anything but sleeping, since I had to rinse and repeat the next day. He understood that. He never pressed me or whined about how I’m never home. Now remember that I’m still working the same job with the same unpredictable hours.
What’s awkward is that since he’s friends with my roomate, he’s over at least twice a week. But every time he’s there, he can’t look me in the eye and/or he leaves me out of conversations.
He came to me that the 1st season of 24 that’s still wrapped and by the TV is for me to keep for Christmas and he doesn’t know where we stand and he hopes we’re friends. …. Yes, I say, we are friends. I don’t know, he says, I don’t feel like we spend any time together and I’d like to see you more. Does that make sense? … I know what he’s saying, but I don’t know why. So he elaborates and tells me that I have two kinds of friends, the close ones and the social ones. And then there’s this long pause and I don’t know what the hell to tell him. We don’t see eachother at all. I know, I say, I work. He knows, he says, he’s not challenging that, he knows what kind of schedule I keep. ……. Well, I say, I haven’t figure out how to split myself in two yet, so I’m not sure what he wants me to do. No, no, he says, he’s not trying to make me feel bad. I tell him that I had to actively take yesterday off because I’m exhausted, that night was the first night in a long time I’ve been home before never. He knows, he says. …. I say I’ll do my best? And I stare at him until he leaves the room.
Really, now.
So Lance, if you’re a busy woman, you got a problem? I don’t get why a guy should be busy, yet a woman shouldn’t be? Is that what you’re saying there or did I misread that?
DW’s article is targeted at men and so is my comment. No offense intended. Attractive, busy women are common and usually don’t have a neediness problem, so I didn’t address it.
Hello everyone, and Joan:)
Guys, pass this 10 signs to three of your friends, or else you will never get rid of your neediness……………………….j/k
0h this article is sooo good. When you follow those 10 signs, you will become the man that women wants, and when you become the man that women wants, trust me- you will have plenty.
Yacutie;
Hey! Where have you been hiding or dare I ask?
Thank you for the “and Joan.” You make me feel singled out and special…:P I am a specialist for sure!
Take care darlin and have fun out there in the playing field….just don’t foeget your catchers mitt…LOL
hahhaha…yea lately been playin in the field a lot, and having some fun;)
Every time I am away, I miss the blog, all the fun topic being discussed. And of course I miss our blog specialist here.
I was with DW past weekend in his NYC bootcamp. Even though it was really cold there, but had a amazing time. It was a big group and all the guys were really wonderful.
How you been Joan?
Yacutie;
Ah ha! I know you have been playing in the field…as catcher..lol or
Catch Her!
I miss seeing you on the blog. It seems a bit desolate when a week goes by without your name up here.
Me? I am doing pretty good. I am starting to feel a big crunch as far as moving in April; plenty to keep busy that is for sure.
That is pretty much the central focus of this brain these days….well the second focus…LOL You know me…can’t be ALL work!! 
Amen Eda! You hit the naiil right on the head.
And, since Funky1 asked for adivice I’ll give you some. You gotta love yourself. You gotta know what’s good about you and put it out there. And you definitly have to be picky or you won’t bea ble to have any women to pick from.
I broke it off with that needy guy but it’s not like I have a boyfriend. I don’t want just any guy. And I especially don’t want a guy who doesn’t want ME. The specific person that I am.
Berite, I keep having horrible boring dates and it’s like the guy didn’t realize it sucked and he asks me to go out again! Morons. I used to give them a second chance too — now that was me acting like a moron. Although I haven’t had any of the egomainiacs like that guy you had. Yeesh!
Coby, it sounds like you may need a different job if you want to sustain a relationship.
I’ve had problems being the needy woman in the past — or at least in being percieved as the woman who just wants any man. I’ve had to work on altering that perception.
Yakub
“Guys, pass this 10 signs to three of your friends, or else you will never get rid of your neediness……………………….j/k”
LOL
Coby
I’m sorry to hear about the awkwardness with your ‘ex’ (gahh do I hate that word). I know how uncomfortable that must feel (plus I’m not good with ‘exes’
).
From what I read, he’s still attracted to you, wants to see you more, and doesn’t really know what to do about it. I’ve been in his situation and afterwards I had to admit that I had been acting out of neediness – deep down you know that this isn’t going to be good for either of you, and you’re just doing it ’cause there’s no one else around at the time.
I don’t know how you feel about him, so with what I know, might I advise you… stay away from there, girl. It’s not going to be fun, care, and excitement… and that is what I believe a relationship should be.
Take care.
Right! Sometimes its a hell of feeling when u want to call her or text her via mobilephone and you think… no just wait just wait and so on! I be honest i hate walking and walking (visually) for a woman like a dog.. So if she dont call me one time.. for me her game is over! From that lady to the next lady for me is boring to be always the person who has to act and so on.. i mean i can but why should i? Why are todays ladies.. not all! not very self-confident to start talking to me.. i know the guy must be the leader and so on. For me its more interesting to see a woman who is self-confident approaching me.. than im the dog thinking.. should i call / text.. what would she think… I text call her when i want. Not like a needy guy but hey.. maybe she thinks anyway this guy is needy even i call her rare. I dont care if she thinks i m needy i look for the next lady..
I would like to buy your audio mastery series.. i think its a good audiobook for communication.. but its too expensive for me (student). But i will check up the Blog and the Video stuff. Peace
I think guys get needy (I include myself in that) when they go out and get involved with someone who flirts and comes on to them in the initial contact, but as the relationship wears on, her initial flirty behavior diminshes. They compare their ongoing “relationship” with that first encounter and want to maintain it. The “needy” part arises because they enjoyed that feeling and are willing to work hard to get it back.
I think what sites like David’s offer is an opportunity to initiate contact and develop relationships among a number of people we are attracted to -male and/or female. That’s important because we have our own support network. Since I have started implementing many of the tips these websites and blogs and books and other products, I feel confident in approaching anybody. Many people may criticize these sites for treating dating as a “game” or objectifying the male-female process, but I see it as techniques to free myself up and let others see who I am. I’m important too. I have a right to be heard. There are times when I don’t want sex, I just want that close intimate feeling with a female I feel attracted to. By learning how to approach women, I have lots of opportunites. Checking out porn sites and masturbating has stopped being an option!
OMG!! This is so true!! The guy I am dating now is this 99%, I showed him the article and it hit home for him. I said..you need to make changes because you are pushing me away (and probably other girls in the past away). I know change is tough because this seems to be his disposition but maybe if he sees I won’t tolerate it he will come to the realization his behavior is getting him no where fast.
Hi,
This is the first time I’ve written on a blog. I enjoyed reading all this.
I have just got out of a situation where me and this guy go back 18 years and had phone sex. He and I were best friends, attracted to eachother, there was chemistry, enjoyed each others company, laughed a lot. I was in a relationship with another person. The three of us made up the center of a group of friends. Knowing that was a “thing” there between us made it tempting for us when my relationship was weak. This friend and I never kissed, touched, and rarely gave hugs. After, several years passed in the same relationship, it started to become apparent that the relationship would inevitably break up. I called my friend after oh at least 3-4 years. I said who I was, he was pleasantly surprised, then I said let’s get married. His immediately response was, “Man, Lorraine, your about one month too late!” We laughed I said break up with her, he of course said I cant I just got married. We caught up with things a little and ended up having phone sex. I’m ashamed to say because we were both cheating. I never called back because I remember thinking lucky girl, he’s probebly going to stay married forever. And didn’t want to ruin it. So I get married after years, it’s not heart breaking for me, but I’m understood that I’m going to divorce him coming on eight years investment and two children. I’m 39 and about 70 pounds over weight and not the natural beauty I used to be if you dont like fat chicks! lol anyway. I’m looking up something for my kid in his state and try to contact him on myspace and there he is. Totally not attracted to him but remember the eyes and see his sweetness still and read his deal there and he’s a single Dad of eight years. So on. I leave two enthusiastic messages with my number, he calls asking for me, I say hi so and so. He’s taken back that I reckonised his voice. And we go into a two and half conversation with familiar ease. The conversation definitely consisted of feeling each other out for a relationship. What we found exceptable or not for our kids, how much stuff I had. That I had been thinking about moving to his state and that he would never move to mine. Just everything. Then I asked him, kidding/serious, really just wanting to see what he would say but yeah really hoping he’d say yes. I said so let’s get married. Immediately said, let’s dooo it. We talked more about fears and what we wanted and he said well until we could see eachother again we have the phone and the internet. We had phone sex, incredible. Everything I’d fantasised about with him over the past six months, more off and on throughout the years. Then when he didn’t call me back I was crushed so badly. We came to a point to where it was understood that he didnt’ mean anything by not calling right away. We have had some nice moments on the phone, I had’nt made contact for maybe two weeks, usually called back right after I called. But never initiated a phone call and two or three times didn’t call when he said he would. He explained that last girl really put some stuff in him, and that he didn’t want to go through that again. Scared. Content with raising his son and porn. Can’t ask for anything more honest, I guess. I except it now but it was really hard to. It wasnt until I let loose on how I wanted him to turn me over and finish me. How I “needed” that, that I was finally recouperated physically.
Well there is the detailed scenario. The bits of love as in love for the person he is and fantasy and hope not to end up an old lonely former beauty, the whole thing, kids, who will want me.. and having such an incredible experience over the phone, made it so hard to give up. I still don’t know if ’cause of my age, physically, the fact that I’ve gone so long, I dont know all of it, makes sense why it would be difficult to let go. But who am I kidding. I’m needy. He got the best of me. And I’m a fool.
I know this is an older post but I wanted to reply anyway. I recently went through a pretty rough experience with needyness myself, as in, I was the one being needy. The woman I was seeing and I really clicked well at first, we had a lot in common maybe too much. The problem was we had both just got out of really bad relationships and didn’t want to get back into one right away but it just happened we clicked so well together. After about a month she started to distance herself from me and I don’t know what happened to me, it’s really very embarassing looking back on it, but after reading this article I realized that as she started to distance herself, I was exibiting every sign 1-10 and she was pulling away even further. I don’t honestly know to this day what caused her to distance herself in the first place maybe we were moving too fast or she realized that she wasn’t quite ready for a relationship or maybe it was my upcoming deployment to Iraq (I’m in the Marines and in Iraq now) but I know my actions weren’t helping and only pushed her further away. Like I said, I don’t know what happened to me it was completely out of character I couldn’t control it, it was very frustrating. I’ve done a lot of self reflection and I honestly believe this wont happen again. I really like this woman but, I dont NEED her I’ve come to terms with that. Is there anyway I can prove this to her again or have I shot myself in the foot and should start looking for someone else?
Dear David,
Help!!! I have been needy lately and I realize it and I find it very unattractive and I’m sure my bf of 9 months feels the same way!! I apologized to him for being so needy and told him that I would give him some space. I’m sure that having my summers off, the fact that my daughter has been gone with her dad for 3 weeks, and that my boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and he works out of the country have contributed to my new found “neediness”. However, none of that makes it ok and I know that!
I want to turn it around and I don’t want to lose my boyfriend because of this. So while I’ve said that I will give him space, what else do I do to prove it to him? Do I just prove by actions (or a lack of actions) that I’m aware and working on it?
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks, NR
You know there’s a funny story…
My best friend who before I learned all the amazing techniques that I know now, was a girl I was very attracted to and wanted really bad. I was extremely beta around her. Agreeing with everything she said, being a 7/11 to her… I never got her, and eventually started to distance myself from her.
6 months later with extremely little contact, armed with great knowledge and an alpha personality… She is now really clingy and it’s funny because I’m not even attracted to her anymore (it’s working in my favor, since I keep pushing her away – she keep running back).
Now when I’m around her, I feel like I have all the power and she is trying to impress me. Of course… I don’t want her anymore now that I feel as if I can have any woman…
we do need to give some attention to women, devorces are sometimes caused by non atentive men, sometimes women..So this one does kind conflict witht he view above.Human are social, and must be treated like that. the leaders are smart enough to know when to use the strenth of sobordinates..The rest of it is sead on. I just feel atention should be reciprocated. That fits the emotional side of women
Receiving attention validates our worth and bolsters our esteem. From birth on, all humans need some appreciative contact from another to survive and thrive. Those who do not receive sufficient attention in their relationships often wilt, while those who benefit from appropriate attention are happy, vital beings who are able to reciprocate with love and caring.