Boy, life is precious. How many of you really think, feel, and live that way?
I write about it all the time, and talk about how important it is to seize the moment. I always talk about why you need to get rid of your fears, and to deal with your shit. I keep on at you about it because life is precious. A couple of weeks ago during my trip back to New York, I saw my Mom. My Mom and I haven’t been that close the last couple of years. As with all relationships, there are ebbs, flows, and tides.
Have You Ever Felt Anxious Seeing Someone?
I remember going up to see her in Connecticut and feeling a lot of anxiety about it. My Mom has been a lot to me in my life. We’ve had a very special relationship and bond, even though at times the relationship stunk. Then again, in any relationship that lasts years there are ups and downs, especially the relationships between a parent and child.
So, I saw my Mom, and I asked, “What have you got going on right now?”
She told me she had pains and couldn’t eat. She said maybe she had an ulcer or something. But I knew what it was. I knew what she had. I knew it the second I looked at her, and the second I touched her. About a week ago, she had to go to the hospital. Apparently, she didn’t have any energy anymore and needed a blood transfusion. Her blood cell count was through the roof. I’m sure you know what’s coming next. I knew it. I’ve known it for a few weeks. It still doesn’t make it any easier. Suddenly you’re faced with not just your own mortality, but the reality of having to lose one of your parents.
The hospital said her liver was twice the size it should be. There’s tons of masses and wonderful other little things on there. My Mother’s fear came true. She didn’t want to die like my Grandmother who had bladder cancer. She had Stage 4 cancer when it was discovered and died pretty quickly. It’s amazing how the universe seems to deliver what we fear the most. It’s sad. I remember talking my Mom on the Wednesday.
I apologized for not having a closer relationship over the last couple of years, and I apologized for not being there. I realize now it was because I assumed she’d always be there. Now I’m faced with saying goodbye. I never had to face saying goodbye. My grandmother passed away very quickly and I never got to say goodbye. My father passed away suddenly so I never said goodbye to him. My other grandmother passed away when we weren’t talking. Now I have to go back to Rhode Island and I have to say goodbye.
That to me is probably the hardest think I’ll have to do. I’ll have to look at my Mom and know she isn’t going to be around anymore. Sure, in the last few years our relationship hasn’t been great, but she’s still my Mom and I love her. I just want to allow her to feel love, peace, and understanding, but it’s just amazing because our life is so short yet we think it’s so long. We waste so much time with bullshit!
Most people date in fear. Most people don’t try to speak to someone they’re attracted to because they’re scared. Most people are afraid to speak. It’s great because it gives me a business, but it also makes it really frustrating. We think we have so much time left. The reality is, we don’t know how much time we have left. We don’t know what’s going on inside our body. Both of my parents weren’t the healthiest people in the world, and it’s probably turning me into a health freak.
I don’t touch alcohol. I couldn’t even date someone who drinks. I don’t care if someone has a glass of wine or two, but a heavy drinker I can’t do it. I’m really into health because I want to give myself the best chance of living a really long life. Still it’s unreal having to say goodbye. It’s surreal having to look at the woman who brought you into this world and to say goodbye. That’s what it is.
I’ll be sharing more about this because I think I’m going to learn from it. To me everything is a learning experience, and everything is growth. I want to grow from this experience. I don’t mourn. I grow. I want to grow from my Mom’s cancer. I want to learn from it, and to become a better person. I want to seize more of life, and call people out on their shit even more. Anyway, this was a tough one to write. This is all you’re getting today. It’s all I have.