I remember when I was in college in my 20s, the biggest joke among my friends was that whenever we were dating somebody, we would always ask the girl what her mother looked like.

You see, we were so concerned with what she was going to look like in the future that we wanted to see what her mother looked like to make sure that if we fell in love with her, she’d be hot 30 years down the road.

I have no idea why we even thought that way. We were in our 20s.

But now it makes sense. We thought that way because we were so closely removed from our parents house and our parents had so many stories they wanted us to follow through on.

My story was move to New York City, meet somebody, fall in love, and give my mom the granddaughter or grandson that she wanted.

So, my friends and I made jokes thinking it was very important to see what her mom looks like so we can know what she will look like in 30 years.

As I get older, I couldn’t care less about what her mother looks like because the people I go out with take care of themselves. Their mom may or may not have taken care of herself, so as far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t matter. And that’s not how you find out if you can love that person anyway. That’s not how you find out if they’re capable of love.

How Does Her Family Love?

I’ve learned the number one secret to finding out whether or not she’s capable of love all really depends on her dynamic with her family.

When I first figured this out years ago, I was dating somebody who had a death in the family. A cousin of a cousin, you know, somebody removed. Nobody that really rocked their world, but they all got together. I went and paid my respects with my girlfriend at the time.

My girlfriend wasn’t the the most warm, loving being ever. She was hot and cold in so many ways and it kind of bothered me, but I still wanted to get to know her and see whether or not we could work our way through this.

I remember going to her house in the Valley. I sat around with her family and I took a look at their dynamic.

Her dad showed up with his new girlfriend.

Her mom was there with her new husband.

Her sister was there; her brother was there; several cousins were there.

And I remember sitting around looking at all of them; they were disconnected, not very emotional with each other, and literally small talking the night away.

There wasn’t a lot of hugging or touching going on. It was all really cold.

how does she show loveWhen I left, I realized why the woman I was with was the way that she was. You see, she never really had much love expressed to her as a child.

I saw it in the dynamics. Her dad gave her a little hug, but didn’t embrace. It was one of those cold hugs that you would probably give somebody you just met and didn’t want to go near. Her mom wasn’t very touchy feely either and neither was the new husband and the new wife of the father.

The brothers and sisters were not very touchy feely.

My Family Dynamic

My grandmother was such a touchy feely person, always giving me a big hug and a big kiss and constantly scratching my back; she was very loving. My mother, as crazy as she might have been, was definitely a loving person. She was very sweet in that way. It was never enough. She wasn’t as affectionate as my grandmother, but I still felt her love.

My father was cold. My father’s mother was cold, but I had at least warmth on one side of my family.

And that’s why I crave warmth in my relationships.

The Ah-Ha Moment

So as I sat there that night with my girlfriend’s family, the big ah-ha went off in my head. I realized it’s not important to ever take a look and see what their mother looks like. It’s more important to get your ass to a family function as quickly as possible to see how they were programmed, and start figuring out how they love.

Instead of trying to change the way they express love, you need to look and see the way they receive love. The way they receive love as a kid is the way they probably give it as an adult.

You can’t show somebody and teach them. They’re intuitively the way they are thanks to their upbringing. That’s a great lesson to learn.

So if you’re dating somebody, and you’re not quite sure about the way they make you feel, and you don’t know how they became the way they did, I strongly suggest you get to a family function as quickly as possible.

Don’t wait for a distant cousin to die. Get your ass to a family function and take a look at how the person you’re with became a byproduct of the environment they grew up in.