Spank The Monkey
By David Wygant

You can tell that men started masturbating at a very young age. I remember the first time I jerked off. I think I was about eleven or twelve years old . . . although I remember as a little kid being able to bounce up and down on my hand and experiencing a weird sensation. I think, though, that I was age eleven or twelve the first time I ejaculated.

Now think about that for a second. If most boys start jerking off around the age of eleven or twelve, that is probably the reason why masturbation has such child-like terminology to it.

Take the example of “spanking the monkey.” I’m sorry, but I don’t see Curious George whenever I look at my penis. I’ve also personally never spanked a monkey, so I don’t know what that feels like or from where the term came. It had to be some little kid somewhere who came up with the term “spank the monkey.”

How about “choke the chicken?” Now this one I can kind of understand . . . a little bit. If you look at a chicken’s skinny neck and large head, you could imagine that if you started to strangle it that its feathers would start to bulge out. That has similarities to when you are masturbating and the mushroom cap on your penis bulges out.

So I can picture some demented little seven or eight year old who grew up on a farm choking some chickens for fun. The first time he masturbated, though, I’m sure he choked his chicken too hard and made the mushroom cap explode.

There is also the term “rubbing the one-eyed monster.” This term is another example of how all masturbation terms were created by some eleven year old who was fascinated with his dick.

What about the uncircumcised. What is that called . . . “the armored monster?”

How about the term “doing the knuckle shuffle?” I mean, think about this. Men still call it doing the knuckle shuffle. This term sounds like it’s left over from when Richie Cunningham was eleven years-old, and he and Potsie started whacking off doing the knuckle shuffle.

Then there’s the classic “jerking off.” Now this is the only one that fully makes sense to me. You take your dick and stroke it as hard as you can until you think it will fall off, then you squeeze it until you get the last bit out. Nevertheless, it is once again clear that a mature mind did not make up this kind of terminology.

When little boys start masturbating, they do it so hard that it literally feels like their penis will fly off. Plus, they are just amazed that something is coming out of their bodies.

Now I spent a lot of time reading 70’s sex books. Does anyone else remember “The Sensuous Man” or “The Sensuous Woman” or the all-time classic “Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex – But Were Afraid To Ask” which had Barbie and Ken dolls in sexual positions? Now that was some good jerking off material when I was 11 years old.

That’s another thing that men do. They spank the monkey to pictures of women. That’s completely weird to me. Here’s someone you don’t even know and what do you do? You look at them visually, you lube up your cock, and then you spank it.

I’m sure there are many other terms used for masturbation. I am also sure that throughout the day there will be many of you who will chime in and say “David I can’t believe you missed THIS one!”

The real question, though, is this: How come little girls when they first start masturbating never come up with terms like “spank the button,” “jam the dyke,” ride the pogo stick” or “slosh around in the rain.” I think it just goes to show that men as a species, no matter how old we are, are still far more immature than women.

Just the other day a client of mine called me and said “Dude, I’ve got to get laid soon. I’m tired of spankin’ it.” He’s fifty. “Dude” and “spankin’” at age fifty?! C’mon . . . I just can’t picture a 50 year-old woman client calling me and saying “Yo bro! I need to get me some dick. I’m really tired of jamming my fingers in my pussy and twirling around my button!”

I’m the first to admit men are still little boys . . . they just have bigger wallets and bigger cars. I used to push my Matchbox cars around and spank the monkey. Now I drive my car and thank God for the social skills I have with women who choke my chicken.

If you are tired of spanking the monkey, I suggest you look at my “Girls Tell All” audio series [. It will show you how women really want to choke that damn chicken. This is the new version for 2008 all new women and all new information.