You pace. You bite your nails. You call all your friends before a date. You suffer from first-date jitters. You spend the day thinking about what you’re going to talk about, what you may be wearing, where you might be going. Trust me, you’re not alone. A lot of people suffer from first date jitters, and I tell you: That’s crazy.
Think about this: 95 percent of first dates never materialize, never ever get past the first date. Most first dates are one and doners. It’s not that you’re not going to like the person. It’s just that in order to have real chemistry, it takes a lot of dates to find that. Some of us get lucky, meet one person — haven’t met a person in awhile, meet somebody, go on a date, and end up in a relationship. That’s one of the rare cases. But most first dates tend to crash and burn. And the reason why is because of the jitters.
Here’s the deal: If you go into a date really nervous thinking about what to say, how you’re going to act, then you’re just not going to be yourself, and that’s what you need to present: Yourself, a good, strong positive, amazing side of yourself. Don’t talk about exes. Don’t talk about things you don’t like. Talk about all things that you like. Talk about your dreams, and more importantly: Have fun. Here’s the deal: In terms of what you say or what you do, they’re either going to like you or they’re not going to like you. It’s not one statement that’s going to sway them in one direction or another. It’s not the place you pick out that’s going to sway them one way of the other.
Well, then again, unless you take them to McDonald’s for a first date. Then you might sway them never to come with you again, never to hang with you again. But in reality it’s all about just having a good time. Get rid of the first-date jitters. If you still have them, if you’re still so anxious to have sex with someone you’re meeting — remember the movie “Something about Mary?” — you can whack off before the date.
I’ve noticed that the woman on the 1st date,places everything on that date. If she doesn’t feel chemistry right then and there then she’s gone. I don’t get nervous on a first date, I’ll meet anyone, I don’t care.
Definitely agree- for the most part, those jitters are going to be unavoidable- at least up front. So, accept that- but mentally convert the nervousness into excitement/ enthusiasm. Thus, the potential negative energy is now positive; just pace yourself and your golden.
And like David says- don’t come in with an outcome in mind, but rather come in curious, and prepared to explore..
Definitely agree- for the most part, those jitters are going to be unavoidable- at least up front. So, accept that- but mentally convert the nervousness into excitement/ enthusiasm. Thus, the potential negative energy is now positive; just pace yourself and your golden.
And like David says- don’t come in with an outcome in mind, but rather come in curious, and prepared to explore..
This is exactly why I like to ask out girls that I’ve just met recently instead of waiting to develop a crush on a girl before asking her out. When we’ve just met, I can keep my head level and spend the date having fun and trying to figure out if I actually like her or not. Once you’ve decided that you need to date someone, it’s over, because you spend the whole date trying to convince them to feel the same way about you that you feel about them.
DrewD, I completely agree. I actually love first dates for that reason. You can take all that nervous energy and make it positive. Then everything just goes well. Even if the date doesn’t go well you can still have a good time and probably have a story for your friends later.
Great post, David! I like the positive thinking aspect of it – NOBODY wants to go on a date with someone who whines or complains about anything. While you’re not making a first impression on someone, you’re making a first DATING impression on them. Even if they know you a little bit before you ask them out, they don’t know what you’re like on a date. So, if you’re really whiny or negative, they won’t be too interested in going on another one! If they’re even a little hesitant or nervous about going on a date with you, negative talk and attitude will send them running for the hills!
My advice for ladies on the first date: Don’t dress too hot! I’m not saying don’t dress hot, but the more cleavage you show and the more stuff you cake your face in, the less natural it’ll seem for you. Or at least if you’re not a super frilly, dressy, makeupy girl like me. Even if you are, try to make sure you dress in your comfort zone, because if you’re comfortable, you’ll act that way on your date. If you’re fussing with clothing, makeup, or even just feel a little silly after a while, you won’t be able to really connect with the person! So, dial down the cleavage, the makeup and put on a skirt that’s not too tiny, and you’ll be good to go.
Good point on the cleavage, Paula. When a girl dresses like she’s trying to get me to notice her boobs, I feel like she doesn’t think she has enough substance to offer beyond her body.
Very interesting point Collin.. About not getting things drawn out with a crush early.
I’ve slowly but surely been learning that. When you’re obsessing about someone you don’t hardly know (its a ridiculous premise anyway but happens) you’re just gonna project desperate energy.
i.e. TOM
I save the hot dress for several dates in when I am starting to want to get physical. That does not mean sleep with someone, maybe a long makeout session. Those sessions before.you sleep.together are so fun. Also, I don’t like a super expensive place for date one. Save that for foreplay, and keep date one fun and casual.
I think if she accept to go in a date with you then she probably is interested in you,she likes you,and you got advantage.I would go calmly,why to be nervous,she has to be more nervous then you.I’m more nervous when i have to meet her and start conversation then this.I think this stage is easier.My problem is with starting conversations in night clubs as you said(Night Game).If i met girl and if she accept to go with me on a date then probably 90% of the work is done.By the way good blog David,helps a lot.
Awesome post, David.
Always something new to learn.
HAVE FUN with it. Dates are supposed to be fun. Flirting is supposed to be fun. Getting to know someone who you’re attracted to, finding out more about them and all the things you have in common, whether you can make each other laugh, all of that–it’s fun.
Relax into the moment and appreciate the fact that, no matter what ends up happening, going out with someone new is more fun than sitting at home doing nothing.
It’s not a job interview; it’s a Let’s-have-some-fun-together interview!
Konstantin, describe for me your main problem with starting a conversation in a night club. What’s going through your head?
You guys are all gay.
I’ve never had first date jitters. Why? Because I’m a REAL MAN and REAL MEN don’t get nervous around women.
The more cleavage on a date, the better. Bring it on baby! I’ll wear a wifebeater on a first date and show off my man cleavage. I always keep my chest freshly waxed, nice and smooth, ooh yeah. She can never resist when I flex my pecs when I’m sitting aross from her!
If you don’t think you’re the shit, chances are she sure as hell won’t either. A positive attitude and a little confidence goes a long way.
I also agree with earlier comments about not overdoing it the first bunch of dates. Save the expensive shit for later when you know there’s something there. I have a “thing” going right now with a girl and we are more than content just wandering down State Street exploring shops and places to eat…heck even walking around a grocery store (wasn’t a Whole Foods, sorry David!) gave opportunity to get to know each other and just relax and get away from homework and other miscellaneous stress.
Who whines, and complains on a first date?
If you are on a date,, someone IS INTERESTED in you, what is there to whine or complain about?
Apparently, John, lots of people look at it as an opportunity to complain about their exes.
Shogo,this is my problem:
First I read all blogs and I know all tips of natural approach(observing,listening,eye contact) and also i read Always Talk to Strangers(David’s book).
I go to night clubs most,where are all girls from town.I know that place is competitive but I got no choice.
I’ve tried to observe to start conversation but i don’t know with what to start.Ex:I see girls most in groups,they see at me and smile at me.I look that she drinks something,she is with friends and all that.As you said it’s unnutural because they are doing nothing,except having good time with her friends.Give something to start with Shogo,as I said before I tried,but conversation was like from script cause I not found anything to start with and not to appear as fool.Thanks
Konstantin,
look for the answer to your question in this coming Friday’s blog.
It’s something you’re going to want to read.
Jimmy, REAL MEN also help others grow up and become REAL MEN.
And I’ve got your man cleavage stuck in my brain.
To all the men who whine, and complain, and are nervous on a first date, listen to this song –> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NPBIwQyPWE&ob=av2n
Seriously, no need to make things complicated, if you’re on a first date with a woman then she’s interested already. when I met Maybell in 1993, we had a first date and eventually became friends, but I was a teen/young adult back then, don’t be a kiss ass, just be you, if you’re crazy, act crazy, act like you don’t care, that is the mistake I mad with Maybell that ended me up in the friend zone, I haven’t talked to her in 11 years, and this saturday I will surprise her with the new me, the new Tom, with a hint of the old teen Tom.
@Intern Dan, I agree, some folks like to say how they want more men to get women, and they won’t even help the other men with a few tips.
That song I direct to myself in the 90s, I was so complicated by the heartbreak that I couldn’t see it.
Women who wear foundation is a turn off, come on now? what are you trying to cover up on your face? Unless you can put on make up to look like your not wearing any, Don’t put it on. Never a fan of the “glamourous look”.
Hey Tom,you should fill all of us in on how you first dated Maybell and how your story goes. I’m sure there will be helpful things for all of us in your story. How did you ask her her out? First kiss? Tell us good things like that.
Some great points David!
So many guys don’t have an outcome independent approach and it really kills the chemestry.
If your the type of guy that doesn’t go out on a lot of dates, its really common to feel u have to do whatever it takes to get the girl. Unfortunately, she’s gonna get those vibes from you and feel uncomfortable (the last thing you want)
Things to note for first dates:
1. Don’t do dinner, it usually ends up being way too interviewish (not fun). Better ideas: picnic at the park/exploring the city/even drinks at the bar/honestly chuckee cheeze is better than dinner.
2. Be your best self, that comes with going out to have fun and showing the part of u that makes u special….its ok if she doesn’t like it thats the point of the first date….too see if u have chemistry
3.If you make a mistake, don’t feel like u have to qualify yourself. This is so sad and yet so common. Guy makes small mistake—>girls reacts slightly negatively—->guy freaks out—>downward spiral of approval seeking behavior that ruins it…..lesson:by not reacting and mainting ur strong masculine polarity ur much more attractive
4. Be as social as possible to everyone u guys interact with…..i can’t emphasize how attractive it is when she see’s other people reacting positively to the vibes ur giving off
Very good reminders, David- thanks. The last guy I dated was great, but he kept talking about his ex for the first few dates. Although I knew he was interested in me based on other things he was saying and doing, it felt really weird to hear him talk about the ex right away.
As someone who typically worries a lot about what other people think, I have learned to relax a little more when dating. I have tried to stop worrying about what I’m going to say, do, etc. and just let myself be me. Not everyone’s going to like me and that’s cool.
Paula, I agree. I like to dress somewhat casually on the first few dates, which can still be sexy. I step it up as things move along.
Konstantin, got the same problem as you do man, whenever I go out to bars and nightclubs, I try to observe what’s going on and make some sort of opener based on that but it hasn’t worked for me. I definitely feel your pain man, I’ve tried “Hi how are you” or some other cheesy line but nothing ever seems to work, or gets you into an interview style convo. Definitely need some place to start or a few different ways to start.
On a different note, I’m a university student, new to the blog, but I have read a few older entries on trying to be more spontaneous and confident, but just can’t seem to break out of my slump. I’m a shy and quiet guy by nature, have been for as long as I can remember, and I know this is holding me back. It’s a little intimidating for me to just sort of flip the script and be this more social and easy to get along with guy. Every time I try to either approach or start a conversation, my mind blanks, or i turn the convo into to much of an interview, instead of making it fun. This is by far my biggest sticking point, and I know if I could stop myself from thinking to much I’d be alright. Anybody’s tips are welcome, I want to make a change, especially since the university environment is the best place to be social and get dates with beautiful women. I figure if i’m being honest, I haven’t even been out on a real date with any women. I know I can change this, and I do believe in myself, but a little guidance along the way would be a big help, especially for overcoming shyness
This talk of tips for a first date reminded me that I like going out for nachos or wings for a first date.
It’s super easy going and it’s super messy. The messiness keeps everything really relaxed and pretty funny. You can’t be uptight with salsa smeared on your face.
Plus you get to share a meal which is surprisingly intimate, without much of the scariness that intimacy often brings. If she doesn’t like jalapenos, I’ll usually take them off her chips and eat them. It’s a stupid little thing, but I’ll do it in such a way where I’m totally taking care of her and being the Man. Again, it’s silly, it’s goofy, but it’s intimate.
That’s a good idea Dan. I feel like you’d have to be careful about taking a girl to go get wings though. I can imagine accidentally ending up in competition wing eating mode and not talking to her until I’d killed all 50 myself.
Tom
Maybell
I have never met anyone under 80 with that name
To drink or not to drink on the first date?
I feel this is a VERY relevant post. I actually went through this exact thing! Not two weeks ago. Met this girl…long story short…We’re going out for the third time this weekend. I guess the most important thing is just to be yourself. Just bring some water on the first date especially if your mouth gets dry from nervousness. Happened to me! My mouth was so dry my date couldn’t understand me at all! Funny moment actually : )
@David same here, I use to poke fun at her for that, I just called her M. lol
@Intern Dan “Hey Tom,you should fill all of us in on how you first dated Maybell and how your story goes. I’m sure there will be helpful things for all of us in your story. How did you ask her her out? First kiss? Tell us good things like that.”
I never got to kiss her, I fucked up on the 1st date, leading up to becoming friends, I have her hints and shit, but she never took them, I confessed my love for her the last day I saw her, but like you said, it was too late, 11 years later, and I get to try again, but 1st I must apologize to her.
But I met her in american history class, she actually wanted to sit next to me, but I kinda didn’t want to talk anyone because I had the image of loser on me in class, and I was ready to fight anyone, she asked so many questions, and I kept ignoring. then she said, “are you gay? and I told her no, then she said “then why aren’t you talking to me?” I told her that the reason I didn’t want to talk, or even turn my head in any direction other than looking at my desk is because I had problems with some of the classmates, she said “fuck them, they look like assholes anyways” then we both laughed and she told me her name is Maybell, I asked if she was serious, and she said yes, her name keeps getting passed down the family(silly name no offense, if we have a daughter, then I’d have to be on crack to name my daughter Maybell, it isn’t even pronounced like that, it is pronounced “Maya-bel”, but whatever), so I helped her with the assignment, she asked if I had a super nes, and I said hell yes lol, don’t really remember more of when we first met.
so onto our first date, I was class and I asked if she wanted to catch a bite with me after class at a dunkin donuts(I was a teen then, so don’t blame me) she agreed, and I brought her the food. very quiet at first, but then we start laughing for no reason(she had sexy cleavage that day, but of course I kept my mouth shut), she liked video games, and beverly hills 90210, I never liked that show, but I did like games. I told her she looked great,but she never said it back… hurt my feelings a little, but I still went on, she told me she enjoys my company and we hung out the same way until I started climbing her window in 1998.(first did it in 1994 though, before dawsons creek)
when I came through her window we had sleep overs and etc, I was in my early 20s during the time. but we still acted like teenagers.
one time in 1997, she introduced me to her boyfriend, a loud kid who bothered me from my high school days, I brought him to the back yard and started pushing him, telling him that if he hurts her, I’ll hurt him, and that if he told her about it then he’d be missing a knee, he started acting tough, so I told him to hit me, and he couldn’t do it. I told him to act like we are cool inside the house, I prevented her from getting her heart broken, alot of times. I was her friend, her soulmate, now I will be her lover, you’ll see. my apology is on saturday, I already saw her mother today, and she really remembers and accepts me, if she really likes and remembers me, then Maybell will have no problem with me coming in her window, Dan.
@Intern Dan, Basically the moral of the story is, don’t do what I did, she wanted me, and I brushed her off at first, didn’t tell her my full feelings so I ended up in the friend zone, but when I did, it was too late, I will see her saturday and try to make things right again, and try to get with her again, at the end of the month I get jaw surgery and ptosis correction.
Fairness is always the key, and Maybell knows it, saturday it’s time to make things fair, by apologizing.
One or two social drinks yes it’s ok anymore than that I’d say probably not for a first date.
I had a first date where me and the girl planned to meet at a bar and watch a band. We had started with a beer for me and she ordered a whiskey sour. Some fun flirtation and she teases me saying beer is a pretty weak drink compared to whiskey sours… So for my next drink I order us both a whiskey sour…. And tell her I’d keep up well we ended up buying each other rounds all night trying to out do one another… 3 am rolls around and we hit up burger king for something to eat since nothing else is open…. Now I did end up getting another date and we had a fun night filled with laughs but not your ideal first date
@KJD See that’s a little problem for me, little things turn into big things, I don’t like going to fast food joints, and when I don’t want to and the woman I’m with wants to, then I don’t know, I don’t want to be the fool who buys her food, and doesn’t buy anything for himself. little things like that turn big, any solutions to prevent it with Maybell just in case?
For a first date, the best typical activity is going for drinks
- entertaining spot
- most ppl enjoy casual drinking
- social
- great environment
- its not complex, nor is it cheap
The main thing you want to display on your first date is your ability to have interesting conversations with your partner, and ensuring that both of you have a great time, whatever that is.
Once you start to begin to focus on having a good time, being yourself, and putting yourself out there and not caring of her first judgements (good or bad) you will have a great first date. Stop being outcome dependent (ex. focus on a kiss close), and start asking yourself constantly throughout the date, how can I have an even better time?
As David also says with his Youtube material, since she is already going out with you, she made the decision to cancel her potential night for you and assume that she is thinking sexually about you. You will never not “close” on a date, if you think that she finds you very attractive.
This does one primary thing for you: if turns you into the 100% confident guy, making you have power to say and do whats on your mind and thinking you are the key to HER happiness and entertainment.
Another cute date idea is the zoo. Chicks dig cute animals, and if you live in a city with a good zoo, you’re golden. It’s a good opportunity because it’s not totally sedentary like a movie, there’s plenty to talk about and you can avoid lulls like you may in dinner (“OMG THAT RED PANDA IS SO CUTE”) and it gives you an opportunity to buy her ice cream (which is adorable and delicious) and maybe hold hands if things are going well. I’m a fan!
@john c @KJD: I agree with KJD. A few drinks is a good idea… but make sure they don’t get drank too quickly! Unfortunately, I’m a lightweight and my first date with my boy was at a pub. We each had a couple of Rikard’s and being the tiny lightweight that I am, I got drunk off of 2 beers and told him I wanted to do terrible, terrible things to him. Oops! Now, it went well because he already knew he wanted to do terrible things to me too, and it was surprisingly not awkward, but it could be. And there are a lot of ways it could have gone wrong. The lady could feel ashamed. You might be too drunk to get it up. Someone might not be ready for that. You never know what’s gonna happen, so my advice would be… Maybe ONE beer/cooler/margarita/martini/shot of listerine, but not more than that.
@Tom: I honestly think you should consider going about your plan differently. Your heart is really in the right place, and I really, really, really hope things work out for you, because this lady sounds really special to you. I can tell you care a lot about her and so I really don’t want you to strike out here. I’m not trying to be negative, but I think you should consider doing this differently. Go in through the front door. Bring her flowers and a copy of season 1 of Dawson’s Creek. Explain to her how you feel and tell her you’d like to take her out to dinner or coffee to talk about how you feel and how you wanna pursue her. Even if you guys had a wonderful bedroom window thing 11 years ago, it was still 11 years ago. I had guy friends in high school that would do the same kinda thing, and it was super fun. It was the same kinda thing you had with Maybell, where we’d just hang out and chat or whatever (nothing sexual or even remotely crush-like). However, if they were to do it now, I’d honestly get a little weirded out. It’s been so long that it would be weird if that happened again, so I don’t think I’d respond well. Tom, I really want this to go well for you because I know you feel like you’re kinda hard up and life is unfair, but I think you’ll have better chances if you go in through the front door. And bring flowers. Ladies fucking LOVE flowers.
And outta curiosity – what are you going to say to her when you sneak in her window and wake her up in the middle of the night? Are you gonna wear a Michael Myers mask and hold a fake knife and say “WAKE UP BITCH”? In all seriousness, there’s no way you can do this and not be scary.
On the flower thing guys: Don’t bring them on the first date, because it’s a little intimidating, but I do wish that everyone bought flowers for everyone all the time like they did in the ’50s. I mean, ladies buying their girlfriends flowers for their birthday, men randomly surprising their girls with flowers, flowers for all occasions! BUY YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS. YOU WILL GET LAID.
@Tom
Offer to cook her dinner at your place
Can be a great first date, plan to have the meal about 70% done when she shows up have the kitchen clean as you go so you don’t have to do it after dinner. You can get her involved in the last part of the meal prep that gets you close in a more confined space for a little unspoken intimacy. She gets to see your skills in the kitchen (most women like a man that can cook) Italian food is great for this generally easy to cook just go easy on the garlic
then after dinner you can have a little vino and conversation and see where the night goes from there.
@KJD: Good idea! Tom, I vote you make pizza dough and have her do her own toppings!
“Confessions of a Fork Thrower”
As confident as I am, a huge foodie, and having been drilled in every piece of flatware possible through Cotillion- give me salsa, olives, tapas, any day. Being left handed, a spontaneous fork thrower, and a woman who speaks big through her hands, giving me a date where I’m not trapped by metal, best ever. Hell, I’d even go to a chain for wings if I liked you, even just a little to avoid the possibility of impaling you on a get to know you adventure!
what is the nicest way to ‘let a girl down’ if you weren’t into her? Any suggestions?
Unrelated unfortunately…but I’m a “thing” with this girl and we were talking about this and that and she told me she likes me and that she’s not one to play games with people, and likewise she told me not to play mind games with her.
Doing so is the absolute last thing I’d ever intend to do, and I’ve never considered myself a player or even remotely deceitful…but at the same time I could use some tips just to be sure I avoid doing anything mind-game-related. I know that it’s supposedly all common sense: don’t lead them on, don’t play hard to get, just be genuine with the person. Any further input from any of you fine ladies and gentlemen would be greatly appreciated. The chemistry is great so far and I’d hate to screw it up. =/
What were some of the worst first date moments some of you have ever had?
Sway them to McDonalds, and upon leaving, slide him/her the check and say “Dutch treat”.
Dutch treat, each person pay their share of the bill. Sure way not to get a second date.
Best way to let someone down is to be honest but nice
I really enjoyed getting to know you, but I don’t think we should pursue this. I wish you thrbest of luck”.
Tom, I don’t even know you, but I am way freaked out by your level of investment in this woman. Please take it slow, and actually pay attention to how she is responding. You can simply say “wow, it is a shamethis much time has passed. I feel aweful about how things ended and I want to reconnect” and then shut up and pay attention beforeyou pursue. She knew you were interested and did nothing, give her time to reknow you.
@Kyle
To make sure you don’t play mind games, be open, honest and raw. We play mindgames because we’re afraid of opening up to other people. The purpose of a mind game is to get the other person to open up and be vulnerable without doing it yourself.
So just keep being your confident self.
For worst first date stories… I went on a first date where she was dreadfully boring and un-fun. She was kind of dense and then it just became me having fun with her and getting her to believe crazy things about me. I probably shouldn’t of have done that but it was fun!
@Intern Dan
I recall a first date who recounted the time that she fooled around with her male cousin at a family reunion.
*cue banjo music*
I suppose meeting all different kinds of personalities is what makes dating interesting. As long as I keep first dates really lighthearted and informal, I find myself fairly capable of dealing with the occasional, cataclysmically awkward moment.
So after I met this girl I went with her in a date after a week. We have fun and we got chemistry however in the middle of date things went raw, we talked about our hobbies and my hobby is DJ and everything went weird. She knew a Dj friend and she kissed with hI’m and Sheehan told me nothing happen she told me that for the rest of the night so I hear that hom and her didn’t do nothing besides kiss so I heard that like at least 25 times. Anyways after that we went for a walk grab hands however in my head was wat she told me about the Homie, and also that she told me and asked me to not tell him anything that we know each other so in my head was WTF so I dro her off and I was going for the kiss and I pulled back just for wat she told me and y she don’t want me to say nothing.. Do you guys thing I did the right thing by not kiss her or no???
I doubt anyone’s still replying to this, but I’m going through this right now haha. I’m about to take this nurse (possibly doctor) out salsa dancing Friday and I’m soooo nervous.
(crickets) .