I’ve been a dating coach now for nearly 20 years, and without doubt, the most common problem guys are dealing with when they come to me for help is being shy with women. I would say at least 8 out of every 10 guys who look me up for coaching want help finding a cure for social anxiety, or help overcoming approach anxiety.
And it’s always the same kind of story…
“David, I need your help. I just can’t control my nerves around attractive girls. I’m terrified to approach women in general, and on the rare occasion I do start a conversation with a woman, I start to sweat, my mouth goes dry, and I don’t know what to say. Sometimes I even start shaking!
Most the time women look at me as if I’m crazy before walking away. It’s so embarrassing. I can’t stand it anymore. How do I stop being so shy with women?”
Any of this sounding familiar to you?
OK, well before I finally give you a solution to your problems, let’s take a look at the “official” definition of approach anxiety or fear of approaching women.
What Is Approach Anxiety/Social Anxiety?
The Wikipedia definition of social anxiety is “a discomfort or a fear when a person is in social interactions that involve a concern about being judged, or evaluated by others. It is typically characterized by an intense fear of what others are thinking about them (specifically fear of embarrassment, criticism, or rejection), which results in the individual feeling insecure, not good enough for other people, and/or the assumption that peers will automatically reject them”
Now, I’ve looked around a few places in the Internet for definitions of social and approach anxiety, and they all use the same kind of phrases. “An irrational fear of….” “The assumption that people are judging…” “The belief that girls aren’t attracted….”
Do you see a common thread?
“Assumption,” “irrational,” and “belief.”
If you’re shy with women, the cure needs to come from the very same place your anxiety comes from… your head!
Let me explain…
The other night I was coaching a client in Whole Foods. Go ahead. Make fun of it. Regular readers know I love Whole Foods. In fact, I’m sure some of you think I own Whole Foods and this whole dating thing is just a front.
Anyway, this guy desperately wants to become better at meeting women. Right now, he’s absolutely terrified of them, and we’re trying to get him over his fear of approach. I spotted an attractive looking woman by the meat counter, and told him to go and say hi. Within seconds, he started making the usual excuses. “She’s busy. She’s talking to the meat counter guy and I don’t want to interrupt.”
They were hardly in the middle of a personal conversation about love and feelings. They were discussing how the Malaysian plane disappeared. It was a very superficial conversation, and he could have easily tuned into and joined in with it. Instead, he freaked out about stealing her away from meat counter guy and retreated. This is typical behavior of someone suffering with nerves around women. He has a whole load of other excuses up his sleeve for not approaching women too. “She’s talking to someone else. She doesn’t look in a good mood. She looks in a hurry. She probably has a boyfriend etc etc.”
This guy does what so many other guys with approach anxiety do, which is to talk themselves out of talking to women, simply because they can’t cope with facing their fears and symptoms. So how do you overcome approach anxiety? How do stop being shy around women?
Here is my top 5 tips (and these are based on a couple of decades of research so I know they work!)
1. Act FAST - You have approximately 10 seconds to approach a woman, from the moment you spot her. Why? Because if you leave it any longer than 10 seconds before you walk on over to talk to her, you’ll start getting into your head.
You’ll start giving yourself all the excuses not to go over, and those monkeys in your head will start chattering away, talking you out of making a move. The minute you see a woman you find attractive, don’t start thinking of things to say, and don’t start trying to figure her out, just walk over and start speaking. The longer you wait, the worse your nerves and anxiety are going to get.
I have a saying anyone that’s known me for a while will know well which is, “He who hesitates, masturbates!”
2. Turn on some sexual energy - This is a great trick. As you start walking over to a woman, imagine her standing there naked, waiting for you to take her. Think of her laying there, calling your name, desperate for you to ravish her. That’s right. Imagine her writhing around, begging you to f#’k her. Think of whatever makes you smile. Imagine whatever turns you on.
When you do that, you’ll have a twinkle in your eye, and a smile on your face that women can’t resist. Women love that cheekiness in a man. And what the hell, she doesn’t know what you’re thinking about.
3. Think about your posture - Hold your head up. Stand with your back straight and shoulders back. Puff out your chest and imagine a piece of string running up your spine and out the top of your head. Now imagine someone pulling you upright with that piece of string.
You need to master your body language if you want to attract women. It’s not just about looking strong and confident either. The way you hold yourself affects how you feel. If you hold your head down, and slouch over you generally feel lazy and slob-ish. If you stand upright with your head high, you feel more alert and switched on.
When you’re about to approach a woman you want to look strong, so look at the way you’re standing and walking. You want to stride, not shuffle like a little old man. You don’t want to walk over there like a little pussy cat, rubbing against their leg, meowing, hoping she’s going to like you.
4. Don’t worry about outcome - So many guys worry too much about the outcome of an approach. You’re so desperate for her to like you, and so determined to get her number, if things don’t start going your way you freak out and that’s when the nerves kick in.
Take the pressure off yourself. Who cares if she doesn’t respond to you? Who cares if she tells you she has a boyfriend? She’s probably a pain in the ass and you probably would have gone nuts dating her anyway. Stop worrying about rejection. It means nothing. If one woman says no, another will say yes.
5. Practice - Yep. That’s right. I said it. There are no magic pills. There are no magical pickup lines. You’re not going to go to bed one night shy with women, and then wake up the next day cured. If you use a step-by-step system like my “Fearless Code” program, you can shortcut your “road to recovery” and get over your nerves quicker, but the key is practice. The more you practice talking to women, the less it’ll scare you.
Think of it like the first time you went to school. Maybe when you started school you were nervous to go in. Maybe when you first went to school you’d cry at the school gates, and grab your Mom’s hand. After a few weeks, you’d made some friends, and you didn’t mind going anymore. It’s the same with anything in life. The first few times you do it, it feels weird, but after a while, it becomes second nature. Malcom Gladwell wrote an amazing book called, “Outliers” where he said, to become an expert at something you need to put in 10,000 hours of it. It’s a brilliant book, and if you haven’t read it, I suggest you do.
Do I expect you to spend 10,000 hours approaching women? Of course not. But don’t expect to become a fearless natural with women after 4 or 5 approaches. Building your confidence is no different to building a muscle. It takes a bit of work and repetition.
Curing Approach Anxiety Is A Process
Getting over your nerves is a process, but you need to start NOW. I suffered terribly with approach anxiety when I was younger so I’ve been there myself. I remember I had to start walking up to women. It made me so nervous. My lip would quiver. I would turn brick red, and I’d start sweating. But the more I did it, the more confident I became. The fewer women started running away from me like I had some type of disease.
Women pickup on nervous guys and they don’t like it. When you feel nervous, they feel nervous. It’s a very obvious energy. Women don’t want to date Mr. Nervy. They want a man who is confident in himself, and a man who’s going to claim her. I’m telling you right now, no matter how scared of women you feel right now, you can overcome your fears if you start doing something about it today.
It’s not going to happen by magic. In order to overcome the anxiety, you’re going to need to start approaching every single day. That’s right; every single day. Walk through those fears right now. Put thiso article down. Turn off your phone. Look for a woman you’re attracted to, and remember…
1. Approach her right away! Don’t wait!
2. Turn on your sexual energy
3. Remember your body language
4. Stop caring whether you get her number or not
Yep. That’s right. You have to speak. You have to say something. But what do you say? What is the magical phrase? What can you say to create instant interest and intrigue in a woman?
Well, the first thing is to forget pickup lines. They don’t work. So what do you say instead?
You make simple observations about what’s going on around you. You learn the art of observation. And that’s something I’ll be discussing in detail in another blog. In the meantime, if you want to shortcut your “cure,” and want a step-by-step system to overcome approach anxiety, then grab a copy of my program, “The Fearless Code.”
It’s a complete system designed to get you over your nerves with women quickly and easily, using tried and tested techniques, so you can confidently walk up to any woman you choose and talk to her. As always, please share this post with any friends or family you think could benefit from it, and I’d love to hear your own experiences below!