6 Dating Behaviors Guaranteed To Scare Men Away
June 15, 2008 
63 Comments
6 Dating Behaviors Guaranteed To Scare Men Away
By David Wygant
So, you are dating a guy, and it’s the crucial first few weeks. You met him, you exchanged phone numbers, you’ve made it through the first date, and are now officially dating. You really like this guy, and you are wondering what you can do (or avoid doing) to keep this relationship going and not scare him away.
The truth is there are certain things that women can do that will scare men away every single time. I have been coaching men for more than a decade, and they all agree that a woman who does ANY of the six things I describe below will scare a man away.
If you do any of these six things during the first month you are dating someone and you pressure him in any way, he is going to run for the hills. Don’t sabotage a potentially great relationship that could have gone somewhere by scaring a man off right at the beginning.
So here are 6 dating behaviors guaranteed to scare men off that all women should avoid so they will never again sabotage a potentially fantastic relationship:
1. Trash Talking Your Ex. Don’t ever trash an ex boyfriend in front of a guy you’re dating. I don’t care if you’re on your first date or on your fifteenth date with a guy, don’t ever trash talk your ex. Your ex is somebody you dated. Your ex is someone you invited into your life. Your ex is someone with whom you spent a lot of time and got to know.
So don’t talk negatively about your ex in any way, because what happens is the man you’re currently dating will hear you speaking this way about your ex and all he will picture is himself in your ex’s place one day. He is going to think that if he ever becomes your ex that you are going to harbor that same kind of anger toward him and trash talk him to other men.
So, when a man asks you about your ex, the only thing you should say is “We are no longer together. It was a great relationship while it lasted, and I learned a lot.” That’s it. Plus, the fact that you are still trashing your ex is a sign that you are not ready to move forward with another relationship anyway.
2. Paranoia Runs Rampant. Here you are dating a man you really like and the first couple weeks are cruising along really well. Then, all of a sudden, he has a boys’ night out scheduled with some guys from his office. So, what do you do? First you send him a text before he goes out that says “Have a great time tonight!” At this point you are the cool woman you want to be.
Then, as the night progresses, the girlfriends you’re hanging out with start putting seeds of doubt in your mind about what he’s doing and you start to think “Is he cheating on me? Is he flirting with other women? What is he doing? Where is he right now?”
Then you make one of the top mistakes women make – you lob in another text to him asking him “What’s going on? What are you doing right now?” He will say “Having fun with my friends.”
Then you make a major blunder – you start to continuously text him throughout the course of the rest of the evening checking up on him. The “checking up” will not be to see whether the guy is having fun, but driven by paranoia that the guy is doing something other than just having fun with his friends.
This kind of paranoia will drive a man away about as quickly as anything. So when you are dating a man and he is out with his friends, respect his “guy time” — it will make you the cool woman he’s always wanted to find.
3. Trash Talking Other Women. A huge mistake women make is trash talking other women in front of the man they’re dating. For example, you are out with him at a restaurant when a woman walks by your table wearing a skimpy short skirt. What do so many women do? They will look at her then say something like “Look how slutty that woman looks! I can’t believe she is wearing that – I can’t believe she would go around in public like that!”
What you are doing when you make comments like this to a guy you’re dating is telling him that you are not confident in the way you look. It tells him that you don’t love who you are and haven’t embraced your own body.
You are planting a seed of doubt in him, causing him to wonder if he he should date someone else who is more confident. Don’t trash talk other women. It doesn’t make you look cool – it makes you look really insecure.
4. Fishing For Compliments. Stop fishing for compliments. This is something that can drive a man crazy. Here is a typical scenario: The guy you’re dating looks at you and says “You really look beautiful tonight!” Ten minutes later you look at him and ask “How do I look tonight?” Another typical scenario is where you will tell a guy that you really like him a lot, to which he will respond by smiling and giving you a nice little hug and kiss. Ten minutes later you ask him “Well, do you like me too?”
A lot of women will constantly do things like this. A lot of women will be in a relationship feeling like they express their feelings while the guy they’re dating doesn’t express his. Stop fishing for compliments. Real compliments come from the heart. Allow us to compliment you when we feel it. If we don’t feel it at the exact moment you have expressed a feeling to us, just accept it and be okay with that.
A compliment is something that you should pass on to somebody without any strings attached. Every time you compliment us then fish for a return compliment means that all of your nice compliments have strings attached to them.
5. Clingy and Possessive. Don’t be clingy and possessive. This relates a little to #2. When a man goes out with his friends, allow him to go out with his friends. You don’t need to do everything together. You are still getting to know him. Find out what he likes to do that you also like to do, and do those things together.
If there are things he likes to do that simply don’t interest you, though, be cool with it. For example, if you don’t like to jet ski and he does, then just hang out on the beach and relax while he’s doing that. You don’t have to be joined at the hip.
If you are going to a cocktail party together, you don’t have to be on top of him at every moment. If you see him speaking with some woman at the party, do not immediately run over and start grabbing his hand and giving him a big hug. Certainly don’t do this all night long. You are being clingy and possessive when you do this. When you are clingy, we are going to want to get rid of you very quickly. We don’t like clingy and possessive, so you need to avoid this behavior.
6. Pushing Friends On Him. The last behavior to avoid is pushing friends on us too soon. Women will be hanging out with a guy on the first or second date and say to him “Oh my God, you HAVE to meet my friends Jenna and Amy. You also have to meet my friends Phil and Anne, they’re such a great couple and you’ll love them!” A man hears this and thinks “I don’t even know you yet – can I get to know you for a month or two before I have to go meet all of your friends and be put on display as ‘the boyfriend?!’”
We don’t want to be “the boyfriend” right away. We want to get to know you slowly. We want to learn what you’re all about. Believe me, once we get to like you and get to know you we will be more than willing to get to know all of your friends.
During the first few weeks we’re dating you, though, we don’t want to be taken to parties where we are led by the hand and paraded around like the instant boyfriend. It’s too much pressure. Allow yourselves to get to know each other first.
Following these tips will help you get past the first month of a new relationship with a man and avoid some of the major pitfalls that can end a new relationship before it even starts. Be the cool woman you really are so we have a chance to embrace you. Be confident. Don’t scare us off before we have a chance to get to know you!
Hey David all of that is SO true! I can sign that 100%.
There is nothing more repelling to me than a needy, clingy woman. I guess the same happens to them with needy guys, anyway. Neediness is awful because
* it conveys that you are an insecure person and
* that deep inside your head you think you don’t deserve what you have
I used to have that needy behaviour without knowing it, but it really SHOCKED me when I had women doing that to me and I felt the effect of a needy person. Now I can really understand women going away from needy men.
Hi,
When women do some of these things it feels to me she’s pushing for a reaction or affirmation from me.
Back when I was a needy guy I was happy to give these because I knew I was giving her what she wanted. But as I’ve come to value my independence I resent these ploys from women because they feel manipulative. I want to give affection and affirmation on my terms.
So I would take David’s 6 points one step further. First, women should avoid acting this way, but on the instances they mess up they should beware the guy that supports their behavior with the reactions they were looking for.
At face value he starts out as a great guy, but later on he will become the clingy doormat you can’t respect.
Numbers 2 and 5 were the big ones for me. The other ones are bad too, but it’s the paranoid obsessive behaviors that really make me run for the hills.
That’s a good blog, but I wanna see a version for guys
Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like most people talk about their past dating experiences/ex boyfriends/girlfriends within the first couple of dates. After all, isn’t that why you’re with your current date, because your other relationships went sour?
Yes, I think its normal to mention past relationships, but trash talking them is a big red flag. No one wants to be with a drama queen. We want to think you’ll always be the sweet girl sitting before us, even if we’re no longer seeing each other.
Ashley,
Personally I don’t feel it’s bad to talk about them; just be aware how you’re framing it. My reality: Yea my marriage didn’t work out. It was great at first. And was the perfect environment for both of us to grow tremendously. Unfortunately some of the growth actually brought us to places that were “less compatible”. Some experience was gained a little too late. While we agreed that things weren’t going well, we had different approaches to life; I like to see if things can be fixed and improved, when something isn’t working her approach is to move on… These two approaches actually complimented each other well, until it came to our marriage. It ended over two and a half years ago. I can see the maturity both of us gained through the experience, as individuals, and our understanding of what we value in a partner. At this point there’s no chance of us getting back together, we stay out of each other’s lives, but we’re good about accommodating each other when it comes to our son.
Can you imagine if some guy were to say: Yea I was married to real b***, she was two faced and did a good job of hiding it when we were dating. She was shallow and self centered and only interested in milking the relationship. Her idea of compromise is my yielding to her whims. Unfortunately we have to interact on a regular basis because of the kid we had together. She’s irresponsible and expects me to take up her slack. At least she plays baby sitter half the week so I can have my fun time.
I think the same idea applies to women. Comments say a lot about the person making them.
Hey Ashley … Although I agree with you that in order to be dating that by definition your previous relationship has ended (and ended for a reason). What I think David might be getting at here is that we need not communicate any negative opinions about an ex with someone we’re newly dating even if we discuss that relationship.
If I’m dating a new guy and he does nothing but bad-mouth his ex girlfriend, I would have the exact same two reactions to that which David is saying a guy will have: (1) that the guy is not “over” his ex and is not ready to move on to something with me, and (2) that if we date and break up one day that he’ll say equally nasty things about me.
My impression of this is not that David is saying that you can’t talk about your ex, just that when doing so we need to take some responsibility for the end of that relationship (since we chose to be with that person), and show that we’ve learned from the experience and have moved on!
Save talk about your “dirty laundry” for when you’re living together and actually running a load in your washer/dryer
David – I love lists like this …. they’re almost like Emily Post dating “etiquette” rules that to me help to take a lot of the guess work out of the “how do I keep this new guy interested” minefield
Even not being a guy, all of these make sense to me and don’t seem at all unreasonable for we gals to follow. Most of them I don’t think I do anyway, but a few of the things you mention I would have never imagined would be construed by men the way you describe … so THANKS for helping me keep as few men as possible from “running for the hills” unnecessarily
On behalf of the women out there, thanks David for continuing to help us get inside the mind of these crazy guys!!
Need to add: I like to hear about a woman’s past experience. How she frames it speaks volumes about were she is now. If she always ends up with the losers but keeps looking – run.
Can the woman appreciate her past? Has she learned anything? (or will she repeat it…)
Markus -
Great comment … What your comment made me think about was that maybe the “neediness” thing and the “monkey chatter” thing David always talks about are related. Perhaps if those of us who have that “monkey chatter” in our head could learn to elminate it (or at least ignore it), then the neediness type of behavior would also be eliminated …
Ken -
I think you’re 100% correct … and I would ditto that comment in the reverse situation if a woman is out with a man who talks about his past relationships that same way.
Kate,
I like the connection you made. I believe one way to help eliminate/ignore it is to figure out where it comes from. Maybe its figuring out “this neediness/insecurity originated when I was dating ___ because (s)he always ***, but I’m not with people like that anymore.” or at least “I’m doing this out of neediness, I recognize that and can/will use some restraint.”
It’s great if that “neediness” can be channeled to showing the person an extra good time when together, and making them think you’re ok when apart… Create a relationship they won’t want to loose…
Anna,
I’m curious, which ones never occurred to you?
David,
On number 3, my reaction is it’s fine if a woman chooses not to present herself in public in that manner, but I may think she’s sexually inhibited/repressed. – Don’t make the comment, or use it as an excuse to “tease” the person you’re with, not criticize someone else. “I reserve super short skirts for playful occasions with someone special; Some of my outfits are a lot more revealing than what she’s wearing.”
On number 4, One woman I had in my life was extra needy for a few days once a month. She could see it in hindsight, but was never able to make the connection or believe me
, until after it ended; or started 
depending on the reference. It eventually got to the point where I couldn’t sit her down and point out how great her life was, for a few days every month. (Something in me did not allow me to continue.)
Great point with #3. I’ve heard some women intentionally use it to condition a guy into thinking about his girlfriend/wife scolding him when he notices other women – ugh.
David,
There’s a #7…
#7 Q: “Honey, do these jeans make my ass look fat?”
#7 Right A: “No Honey, your ass makes those jeans look fat”
word… you should add- telling him you love him on the second week of dating. it scared the living shit out of me!
David, you’re right. These points only show, that the woman is really needy and insecure. These points are also true for men, who are needy and insecure. A woman also don’t want a man who is clingy and possessive and he also don’t have to tell how good he is and so on …
I also want to read a version for guys. Maybe there are some good tips, which could help me …
Hey Ken
Well, to clarify, it’s more the way a couple of them would be gernerally perceived by men more than whether the actions are advisable that didn’t occur to me.
In particular, under the “fishing for compliments” item, I am sure I do ask a few “please reassure me” type questions to someone I’m dating, but never do so because I’m not listening to what a man has said … I think I (and maybe women in general) when dating someone new are always looking for “signs” of a man’s interest. Having been (prior to finding David
) operating under the dictates of the “He’s Just Not That Into You” book, I was sure that if a man was not “totally into you” right away, then he was just not interested at all.
So, now, after having read David’s blogs and articles for some time, I am understanding that it’s just not that black & white, and that we (women) needn’t be so over-anxious and “on alert” when we meet someone new. I am now happy to be more relaxed about everything and just see what happens while I’m enjoying getting to know someone
Hey Markus!
Nick-are you the guy I met nyc camp?
Fun read, thats why being outcome independent is so important. These behaviors not just apply to dating but also other areas of life.
When someone is needy and not confident, they will attract people just like them. When you change your energy and you live moment to moment, you will attract a cool guy.
Ladies this article really resonates with me and I want to date a women who is COOL, not needy, and have genuine interest about life.
Great entry Dave, and great comment Patrick. I used to be very needy and clingy, and it is ultimately what destroyed the attraction and respect that my ex had for me. From my experience, learning what NOT to do is just as valuable as learning to actually works.
Hey Kate,
good comment. I totally agree with what you say. There’s for sure the same “force” behind monkey chatter and the needy behaviour.
The question is: Where does all of that come from? Because it’s nice to read that neediness is awful, and we’ve got to cut off that drunken monkey in our head. Cool. We all know that. But how?
The key for me is self-esteem. When we believe ourselves worthy, we will stop being needy. The monkey chatter will stop and eventually begin squeaking supportive things (like, for example, ‘you can do it man’)!! I just realized short time ago that it’s a question of feeling like an alpha-male or female. If we cannot feel worthy of ourselves, if we cannot have the certainty that we are at LEAST as good as everyone around us, everything else is just like a drop of cold water on a hot stone. Short-time effect, but nothing in the long run. Neediness and insecurity will come back and hit us one way or another.
Hey Dave & Yakub
what a pity i couldnt make it to nyc last weekend. Did you have a great time? Must have been great weather and LOTS of fun for you guys!!
greetz from the other side of the ocean
markus
Markus – May I reciprocate the compliment right back at ya … but also say that your comment to me hits on such a BIG question. You are 100% right – there’s a big space between understanding intellectually that you need to be confident, or not needy, or whatever — and actually becoming (or stopping) those things.
It’s like when someone writes a book and says that in life you need to “be happy.” Great! And …. exactly HOW do you do that??
I have actually posed this exact question to David before – I have asked him HOW you make the leap to cultivating that real inner confidence necessary to eliminate all the bad behaviors this blog describes. While I think David does a better job than anyone I’ve ever seen at communicating the answer to this question, it is still a VERY hard thing to actually do
Markus – it sounds like you have been totally successful doing this … what’s your answer to the “how” question??
Kate and Markus,
I love your back and forth on the topic of neediness and monkey chatter.
Stopping needy behavior is all about building that self-esteem and confidence. You can’t just tell yourself you are a worthy person. You have to believe it. You have to feel it in your entire body.
Among all the tips we give during bootcamps on being social and meeting women, what people should REALLY read in between is this:
STOP THINKING SO MUCH. DO MORE OF THE THINGS YOU WANT. TRUST YOURSELF.
That’s the only time you can then allow yourself to be fully present with the person in front of you. That’s the only time you can connect and create wonderful moments with one another and that’s the only time, your most attractive/confident self comes out
As funny as it sounds, if you practice that long enough, the way you perceive yourself and the world changes for the better. You slowly feel more and more empowered every day. It creates a positive feedback loop in your life which makes you CONSTANTLY feel happy and worthy.
That’s when you reach a state of outcome independence, non-neediness and self-validating worth.
Cheers!
Hey Khiem,
good to hear from you again man. Of course I agree with you that it’s important to be present in the moment and to reach a state of outcome independence. I’d also sign a 100% that it would be a good goal to stop thinking so much, do more of the things you want and to trust yourself.
But still…I think the question we’re working on here is the “HOW” to do that. I know it’s not good to think too much. But it’s like to tell a person not to think of an elephant; the person will automatically think of an elephant. I think what you describe here is more of an “ideal future state” than a method of going there.
In my opinion, the method must be tackling something like confidence-building. I haven’t 100% figured out yet how to do it in the best way, but I try. it’s a long way, and we should not expect it to change a life of twenty- or thirty-something years in just a few weeks.
Kate,
I think you are REALLY asking the right question here!! And it’s that simple: HOW? I like that you come right to the point here.
I guess I’ve not found the solution to that question so far. But I have my “lightbulb moments” and definitely found some things that work for me. Let me share some of these with you.
* David’s “talk to anyone” is a GREAT way to overcome bad social habits and getting myself into a talkative and social mood. When I can start conversations and even include others, that makes me feel good.
* I like “emulating” alpha models, or naturals. I learn a lot by observing and seeing how things work or don’t work.
* I try to train my “observing ego” to be more aware of myself and my actions. I try to notice situations from a “third” point of view and immediately evaluate that against “alpha” criteria to do it better next time.
* I try to not compare myself to others, but rather focusing on myself and the moment, especially when it comes to success and development
* I try to not “chase” anything (women, situations, good time, friends…). This is a hard one for me. Chasing equals neediness.
I guess there would be a lot more to mention, but I seriously think that would bore everyone. I’d really be interested how other blog readers tackle the “HOW” question?
Markus
Markus – I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit … I can tell by your posts (all of them) that you have mastered this a lot better than you think.
Your suggestions are all well-taken.
I think I have an unusual bridge to gap from what it sounds by all the other comments. I am totally social – and comfortably so – with EVERYONE …. except guys I’m attracted to. I am even 100% comfortable with very very attractive men (whom I either already know, whom I know are married/attached, or whom I know are so far out of my league that I know they probably don’t even consider that I’d be attracted to them). I know EVERYONE that works at and are regulars in the places I go, and LOVE to have conversations with people everywhere (old, young, men, women, kids, dogs) … so long as it isn’t a guy I’m attracted to. In that situation I lose ALL the friendly, good energy, talkative, curious etc qualities I have with ease with everyone else.
Then I am ALL monkey chatter, and no action
So … I have a weird complex, what can I say 
When I can figure out the HOW to that problem … I will feel like I’ve been paroled from life sentence 
Markus … you sound like you have an amazing attitude and would have great energy. I can tell you have embraced all the important lessons.
Khiem — Great post
I agree with Markus, that a little more insight as to the “how” is really the key to all of this … I don’t think anyone could disagree with anything in your post — It’s an exciting way of being just to imagine it the way you describe.
What I’d love to hear you give a little more explanation about is the concept of trusting yourself. I totally see the connection you’re making between being “in the moment” and trusting yourself … but isn’t this all (i.e., confidence, trusting yourself and being in the moment) a bit of a chicken/egg issue? That is, how do you have one before the others, and which one comes first?
So Khiem (or David too if you catch this question) … I’d love to hear your thoughts on that
Thanks 
No Yakub, I have never been to a bootcamp…I’m only 19 so I don’t have that kind of cash yet
Anna,
It’s funny you say that, because I’m learning it’s ok to not know how I feel at first; and the act of figuring it out is dating (not leading the person on). Dating: The act of moving forward and developing connections while exploring what may or may not be there and how one feels about it…
Kate,
It sounds like you have all the people skills, but have attached a lot of extra significance to meeting those you are “attracted to”. (It’s funny because the dating gurus seem to speak at though there’s an inverse relationship. – skills go up, significance goes down.) Something kicks in as soon as you know a little about them; I’m guessing a whole projection into the future (fantasy scenario)…
On the spot, try thinking about your feet on the ground, and listening to keep “their” conversation going… -If I actually say something that works, let me know.
By yourself, where you do good thinking, and when you have enough time: ask yourself why this happens… And keep asking it repeatedly. An answer will arise within you; listen to it and then resume asking… Deeper and deeper answers will surface…
Kate, Markus and Anna,
I did give you the HOW to reach a state of outcome independence.
As human beings, we have a tendency to make things more complicated than they are. We always look for the instruction manual to everything. We search for the step-by-step guide to the simplest things. We like to break things down.
If you wanted, I could give you more ideas on HOW to reach that state but it’s not a one-size fit all approach. The steps to reach the state of outcome independence is a bit different for everyone since you all process and perceive the world differently. It’s actually BETTER if you come up with your OWN way to NOT THINK, TRUST YOURSELF and DO MORE OF THE THINGS YOU WANT.
To reach the level of confidence and outcome independence you want, you need to recognize 3 things:
1. your belief system,
2. your actions/execution, and
3. your identity/self-talk.
Let me explain.
Your real life experiences influence your thoughts and how you perceive the world. Your repeated thoughts become beliefs. Those beliefs in turn creates feelings, which motivate action. Your action can become habitual which leads you to formulate an identity, or an internal “I am X” statement.
To reach that level of outcome independence and confidence, you have to align all 3 aspects of action, belief and identity.
So let’s take outcome independence and plug it into the formula. That requires that you feel yourself worthy and stop trying to supplicate all the time.
To feel worthy, you want to first take some form action that reinforces the idea that you are worthy:
- surround yourself with people who build you up instead of break you down
- do things that you enjoy and/or are passionate about so that you constantly feel good about who you are
- be social so that you can see that there’s nothing to be afraid of when it comes to talking to people.
- do anything that pushes you outside of your zone of comfort so that you can learn to feel good even in discomfort. The more you push yourself a bit out of your comfort zone, the more you expand your level of confidence in situations you haven’t experienced… so you are building new experience.
- you can come up with anything else that helps you feel good about yourself.
When you do enough of those, you start feeling very good about yourself. You’ll start recognizing the true inner beauty in you. You’ll develop high self-esteem. Eventually, you’ll also develop a certain way of perceiving life that makes you truly confident and you’ll stop comparing about yourself or worrying about how people perceive you.
After that, you need to learn to demand more out of life. Because you are a worthy self-respecting person, your attention/affection is worth more and “costs” more to people. You don’t have time to give your time and energy so freely to people anymore b/c you are a GOOD person.
So once again, you can look at your actions/beliefs and identity.
- Do you have an issue with asking for favors?
- If so, get in the habit of asking for favors b/c you deserve it… and MAKE SURE to show appreciation afterwards to encourage people to do it again when you need them.
- Even though you believe you are worth it, do you have standards that you uphold for the kind of people you want to keep in life?
- If you don’t, start defining the behaviors you want in the people in your life. You can use visualizations to imagine how your life would feel if you had only people you cared and liked for in your life.
Based on what you want in people, start looking for people who matches your criteria. You don’t have to ask people straight up if they are x, y, z… but you can sense it when you carry a conversation with them on the kind of person they are. And based on that, you can compliment and encourage them for the behaviors you like and ignore the ones you don’t.
As you can tell, what I just wrote are just basic guidelines.
There is no shortcut. This is a process.
Kate,
You have the right actions and habits but you have a poor belief system. You feel unworthy of these more attractive guys and therefore, you put these more attractive guys on a pedestal.
You’ll have to address that if you want to be successful in dating the men you REALLY want.
It’s up to you to define how you can start feeling worthy of more attractive guys but right off the bat:
- make sure you feel sexy before approaching these guys (whether it’s being fit and going to the gym, or…. dressing sexy… or having nice hair/makeup)
- believe in yourself by sitting down and write down answers to this simple question: why would ANY man be lucky to be with you? Re-read this EVERY MORNING. Don’t give me the superficial or materialistic answers either. What makes YOU as a person super attractive and unique? What makes you the gift to the world of men?
- approach, talk and act AS IF you had ALL THE RIGHT in the world for them to be attracted to you. Assume that they are attracted to you. If it helps use imagery. Imagine these men doing the naughtiest things to you. If that gets you too excited, imagine these men in a chicken suit… or imagine these men as little boys trying to pull on your skirt. Whatever you can think of to make them feel less threatening is good.
Khiem — Wow!! Ask and ye shall receive, huh?
What amazing answers in BOTH comments you gave!!! 
Thank you for taking the time to write in so much detail!
What you wrote made sense to me … and I think was said in a way that I think I could see that there is a bridge that can be crossed there. I blushed a bit at your opening remark about people making simple things too complicated and always wanting a process or step-by-step guide to do things. That is me to the letter
It’s like in Bill Cosby’s old “Himself” show where he says that “Intellectuals study things that other people do naturally.” 
Great advice Khiem … It’s not hard to see why David chooses to work with you!
Thanks again 
Hey Khiem!
Well that was a good one! Thanks for that post buddy. I think it’s exactly the point – there is no shortcut. On the one hand we want to have a “quick fix” to things, but on the other hand we make them so complicated and think things over so that we can never solve them…
I agree with you – these things you mentioned are only “methods” that eventually will lead to one feeling more confident.
Kate – i LOVE that quote from Bill Cosby – “Intellectuals study things that other people do naturally”. It’s so true. That one really made me smile and gave me another small “lightbulb moment”!
Markus- great weekend in nyc, little bit of rain, which was fine.
Nick-nice to meet you buddy:)
I thought that those tips for women were very true. It can be so confusing trying to do the right things. I personally don’t think that people should try to try so hard, because when they do they aren’t REALLY being themselves. Be yourself at the beginning. That way you don’t have to go through so much and have it all basically just be a game. This for both genders. I mean, its OK to try and impress someone, but you need to do it as yourself and no one else.
So thank you David for this blog. Its cleared a few things up for me and I hope to do better with men in the future. You learn from your mistakes right?
good advice for men as well. trash talking the ex goes both ways, and the same for the going out with friends thing. I feel that if you’re with the right person, as a woman, you wouldn’t need to do these things in the first place-the same for a man. I’m in a relationship with the love of my life (of course we’ve been friends for years) and I like to hear him talk trash about the woman he was previously with, but that’s because I know her, and it’s true. I know that we were meant to be together, and if I talk about my ex, that’s okay, too, because I’m saying why it wasn’t what I feel or have with my man now. This blog feels a little one-sided and sexist in my opinion. I have never done these things. If a woman walks by in a short skirt, and she’s attractive, then i say so.
thanks a lot for all tips. I am a lady who’s marrying a celebrity, at first i don’t have the confident. Now i know all men are equals and it gave me the confidence that even as ordinary person i’m as good as those actresses if not better.Glad that i found this blog
Markus –
Actually your response gave me a “lightbulb” moment of my own
I think YOU hit the nail on the head perfectly when you said that “on the one hand we want to have a “quick fix” to things, but on the other hand we make them so complicated and think things over so that we can never solve them …” I think that is 100% (embarassingly) true!!! 
THE PARANOIA COMMENTS ARE DEFINITELY THE MALE VIEW. WHY SHOULDNT WE WONDER WHAT YOUR DOING AND WHO YOUR WITH WHEN WE ARENT AROUND. ITS O.K WHEN YOU (MEN) QUESTION US, ITS “O.K” WHEN A MAN WITH LOW SELF ESTEEM BUGS US ALL NIGHT DURING GIRLS NIGHT OUT, TRASH TALKING OUR FRIENDS AND EXPRESSING SERIOUS DOUBTS WHERE WE SAY WE ARE, BUT A WOMAN IS BEING PARANOID? GET OUT OF HERE AND GET REAL. HOW ABOUT ADDRESSING US WITH STRAIGHT TRUTHFUL ANSWERS AND IT WOULDNT HURT TO HERE A COMPLIMENT OR TWO WITHOUT US HAVING TO FISH FOR THEM.
LALA — It seems like you are making some assumptions in your comments. I’m not sure what you’re saying is consistent with this blog …
I’m guessing that David probably would give the same admonitions to men for these behaviors. I don’t think he would say it IS ok for a man to question women in the way you describe. I also don’t think he’s saying that it’s not ok to wonder about what someone is doing when you’re not around — just that you should try to avoid (out of paranoia) incessantly ASKING men about it.
I guess I was not as “put off” as you by this blog … Plus, I think that (whether you like it or not) this blog was meant to convey how most men would perceive these behaviors more than to discuss whether men SHOULD react this way to them. I think it’s letting
LALA — It seems like you are making some assumptions in your comments. I’m not sure what you’re saying is consistent with this blog …
I’m guessing that David probably would give the same admonitions to men for these behaviors. I don’t think he would say it IS ok for a man to question women in the way you describe. I also don’t think he’s saying that it’s not ok to wonder about what someone is doing when you’re not around — just that you should try to avoid (out of paranoia) incessantly ASKING men about it.
I guess I was not as “put off” as you by this blog … Plus, I think that (whether you like it or not) this blog was meant to convey how most men would perceive these behaviors more than to discuss whether men SHOULD react this way to them. I think it’s letting
LALA — It seems like you are making some assumptions in your comments. I’m not sure what you’re saying is consistent with this blog …
I’m guessing that David probably would give the same admonitions to men for these behaviors. I don’t think he would say it IS ok for a man to question women in the way you describe. I also don’t think he’s saying that it’s not ok to wonder about what someone is doing when you’re not around — just that you should try to avoid (out of paranoia) incessantly ASKING men about it.
I guess I was not as “put off” as you by this blog … Plus, I think that (whether you like it or not) this blog was meant to convey how most men would perceive these behaviors more than to discuss whether men SHOULD react this way to them. I think it’s letting we gals know that if we do these things (even if we feel they are perfectly justified), that the almost certain effect will be to drive men away.
LALA — It seems like you are making some assumptions in your comments. I’m not sure what you’re saying is consistent with this blog …
I’m guessing that David probably would give the same admonitions to men for these behaviors. I don’t think he would say it IS ok for a man to question women in the way you describe. I also don’t think he’s saying that it’s not ok to wonder about what someone is doing when you’re not around — just that you should try to avoid (out of paranoia) incessantly ASKING men about it.
I guess I was not as “put off” as you by this blog … Plus, I think that (whether you like it or not) this blog was meant to convey how most men would perceive these behaviors more than to discuss whether men SHOULD react this way to them. I think it’s letting
LALA — It seems like you are making some assumptions in your comments. I’m not sure what you’re saying is consistent with this blog …
I’m guessing that David probably would give the same admonitions to men for these behaviors. I don’t think he would say it IS ok for a man to question women in the way you describe. I also don’t think he’s saying that it’s not ok to wonder about what someone is doing when you’re not around — just that you should try to avoid (out of paranoia) incessantly ASKING men about it.
I guess I was not as “put off” as you by this blog … Plus, I think that (whether you like it or not) this blog was meant to convey how most men would perceive these behaviors more than to discuss whether men SHOULD react this way to them. I think it’s letting we gals know that if we do these things (even if we feel they are perfectly justified), that the almost certain effect will be to drive men away.
LALA — It seems like you are making some assumptions in your comments. I’m not sure what you’re saying is consistent with this blog …
I’m guessing that David probably would give the same admonitions to men for these behaviors. I don’t think he would say it IS ok for a man to question women in the way you describe. I also don’t think he’s saying that it’s not ok to wonder about what someone is doing when you’re not around — just that you should try to avoid (out of paranoia) incessantly ASKING men about it.
I guess I was not as “put off” as you by this blog … Plus, I think that (whether you like it or not) this blog was meant to convey how most men would perceive these behaviors more than to discuss whether men SHOULD react this way to them. I think it’s letting we gals know that if we do these things (even if we feel they are perfectly justified), that the almost certain effect will be to drive men away.
LALA — It seems like you are making some assumptions in your comments. I’m not sure what you’re saying is consistent with this blog …
I’m guessing that David probably would give the same admonitions to men for these behaviors. I don’t think he would say it IS ok for a man to question women in the way you describe. I also don’t think he’s saying that it’s not ok to wonder about what someone is doing when you’re not around — just that you should try to avoid (out of paranoia) incessantly ASKING men about it.
I guess I was not as “put off” as you by this blog … Plus, I think that (whether you like it or not) this blog was meant to convey how most men would perceive these behaviors more than to discuss whether men SHOULD react this way to them. I think it’s letting we gals know that if we do these things (even if we feel they are perfectly justified), that the almost certain effect will be to drive men away.
LALA — It seems like you are making some assumptions in your comments. I’m not sure what you’re saying is consistent with this blog …
I’m guessing that David probably would give the same admonitions to men for these behaviors. I don’t think he would say it IS ok for a man to question women in the way you describe. I also don’t think he’s saying that it’s not ok to wonder about what someone is doing when you’re not around — just that you should try to avoid (out of paranoia) incessantly ASKING men about it.
I guess I was not as “put off” as you by this blog … Plus, I think that (whether you like it or not) this blog was meant to convey how most men would perceive these behaviors more than to discuss whether men SHOULD react this way to them. I think it’s letting
LALA — It seems like you are making some assumptions in your comments. I’m not sure what you’re saying is consistent with this blog …
I’m guessing that David probably would give the same admonitions to men for these behaviors. I don’t think he would say it IS ok for a man to question women in the way you describe. I also don’t think he’s saying that it’s not ok to wonder about what someone is doing when you’re not around — just that you should try to avoid (out of paranoia) incessantly ASKING men about it.
I guess I was not as “put off” as you by this blog … Plus, I think that (whether you like it or not) this blog was meant to convey how most men would perceive these behaviors more than to discuss whether men SHOULD react this way to them.
I think it’s letting us know (whether we agree that it’s right or not) what the almost certain reaction of most men will be if we engage in these behaviors … and isn’t that what we are always saying we want – to find out how men think?! I think when some women say they want to know that, they really want to know how to get men to think like we want them to
Sorry to everyone for the 50 repeats of my post … and sorry to Kate for getting stuck with her name on some of them! Don’t know what happened
ok, yes -great advice to us women- these all make sense, but how about lists of things that we do or should be doing to bring a potential relationship to the next level? Also is there another address to submit questions to? I have some other more specific questions relating to my current situation
Kimberly,
Some one may corret me, but I believe David set up the blogs for any “related” discussion. If you have a specific question for the community, post it. The blogs currently serve as a community forum. While David’s email is readily available on the site, and he’s good about responding, he sells various consultation packages for those seeking his personal/private attention…
Hi,
I found this article very useful and true. I once dated a guy and I just ran away because I felt I was in a TV interview. I cannot express in words how shock was that experience because he started asking me all kind of questions. I felt my privace was invaded. I then told him about it and he felt it was natural. So attention guys!
On the other hand, I think you can mention somehow a former relationship but I really try to avoid this topic because when you meet someone for the fist time, your efforts must be driven to know that person not to make that person aware of your past.
Hey Ken, yes this blog is an awesome forum … but I also ALWAYS encourage all questions to be posted back here in the comments to the blogs as well. I do this for two reasons. First, I get over 300 emails in my inbox on a daily basis … so I have reserve my personal attention for my clients. I answer all questions posted in the blog, though, so I encourage everyone who has a question to post it there! The other reason I encourage everyone to post their questions back here in the blog is so that they will get not only my feedback, but also the opinions of all the blog readers as well! Sometimes a reader’s questions will also spark a GREAT discussion among the blog readers as well, which can end up being fantastic.
You’re right Ken, that if someone wants either individualized attention from me or more indepth coaching from me, they should absolutely check out my personal coaching packages (in person, email or phone coaching) or check into coming to a bootcamp! For single questions, though, I welcome everyone to post them in the comments to the blogs. Thanks and keep all the great comments coming!!
I probably would substitute in place of #6, ‘measuring him for a tux and otherwise using a crowbar to get him to the altar’.
My question to all the men out there is…I’m in my early thirties and been with my husband for 14 years now. In recent years, the only time he’ll look at me is when he wants you know what. He hadn’t given me that HOT look for years now. However, I’ve been receiving lots of HOT looks from other men all the time. We no longer have the passion, sparks, chemistry, etc. AND we don’t have any kids yet. I’ve tried talking to him and he saids he loves me but he’s just tired and pre-occupied with his career. I’m confused. To all those men and women out there, is this what happily ever after is about after you said your vows?
Lisa-
Marriage is an outdated concept, created for mate retention. From an evolutionary perspective, it was a tool to reduce the possibility of STDs from multiple, unknown partners as well as to secure a sexual resource in order to pass your own genes along. Otherwise, someone else’s genes may be passed along unknowingly (from a males perspective). It’s a very patriarchal concept, and it’s confusing because humans were designed for both monogamy and polygamy (through physical traits such as genitals but also for emotions that you mentioned like lust and jealousy, which conflict with each other).
David,
While I may be wrong, I don’t believe STD’s played a large role in historical evolution. I believe they’re more recent. (I’m open to someone educating me to the contrary.)
I also believe staying together is more about child rearing than child making… Keep in mind that people are now living decades longer than in the past; and “adulthood” has moved from puberty (sexual maturity), to self sufficiency sometime in the 20′s. It appears that as you indicated our genetic past had both. While some people would like to compare people to either chimps or bonobos, I think it’s a both/and…
Lisa,
You indicate that other men give you hot looks, but you husband only does when he has one thing on his mind… I suspect those other men have the same thing on their mind when they’re giving you those looks, but you’re not around them the rest of the time.
If you’d like some heat in your marriage, I’m sure you’re capable of turning it up. If YOU feel it’s missing, YOU can do something about it…
“…only when he wants…”
Do you want it with him??? Is your home a library or a sensual sanctuary? Do you know anyone who “wants” to be worrying about work at home? Teach him how to take his mind off of it…
Ken….you’re right. It hits me when you asked if I wanted it or if I feel it’s missing. I hate to admit it but I begin to feel no attraction for him in the recent years. It certainly didn’t help things at all now that his parents have moved in with us, PERMANENTLY. Forget weekend getaways, we have to FIND a sitter for them. Forget table for 2 on the weekends, let’s make it four now.
When I went to college my mom’s father moved in. (They added a room for him.) But he contributed as he could… did the cooking, kept the garage and deck clean, and gardened in the summer… He read the paper and like to watch the news in different languages… After he died my Dad’s parents moved into the room. While they could have helped, they decided they were to old and needed to be taken care of… you might say a bit more stressful for all…
Find that sitter… And fix up the bedroom – for your own enjoyment… See if your husband will try something for a week… Do a spoof on a new couple crazy about each other. See how outrageous the two of you can be given the circumstances… Try to go overboard and have fun with it without regard to the actual state of feelings for the other person. LIke you’re in a play, but improv.
: ) Why not, let’s give it a go. Thanx, Ken.
sincerely am so happy that i stumbled on this article at the time i am not happy about my getting ready to marry relationship with my fiancee. point #2 as been the most obstacle btwn us and is separating us now. i made up my mind to send a copy of printable sheet to her may be she will learn from it. thank you so much, i am the most blessed man on earth now.
more so i wont mind if you can link me up with a christian lady at 28-30, who is ready to get marry. i am a nigeria and a pastor at 33. my mail is : michaelakinware@yahoo.com
thanks
why nobody thinks that a woman can fall in love fast,and it is after few dates and sex,we know it from the moment we meet the man.when in love you become mad,possesive and everything wrong you mentioned.so the men who run from this 6 points are really running from love,which they probably didn,t want when they met us.maybe they were just for a bit of fun and sex.it really hurts a lot behaving by the rules,like a dog who expects a treat ,after behaving and does what is expected of him.we are not animals and there are no rules.why shouldn,t i trash my ex,if he was a monster,it doesn,t mean a am a bad person for choosing somebody wrong.maybe he was great and external circumstances we have no power upon changed everything,and men should be happy if we became clingy and possesive,if not it really means we don,t care about them.it,s of course if they really like us,not just a piece of ass.it,s all so stupid,should i call,will he call.i have been married twice and believe me we all know when we are in love and there are no rules.