Written for Soulmatch

Dating Q&A #9:

A Dating Dilemma: “I’m Too Gorgeous for My State”

I’m considered drop-dead gorgeous in Iowa (average in California and other places where exotic women are everywhere). I’m also above average in intelligence, confident in myself as a person, physically fit and a nice person. I find that I don’t get any dates in the Midwest, but I sure get a lot of blank stares and, “you’re too good for me” from the guys I do get to date. Is it really true that average, nice guys date plain Janes, and attractive women (by the local standard) have to be stuck with rich old men? – Josie, Des Moines, Iowa

David Wygant answers: Wow, what is up with the attitude? Why do you waste so much time comparing yourself with women who live in California when you live in Iowa? Why do you think you are destined to be with a rich old man? I bet when you walk around you carry that attitude with you and men probably find you unapproachable.

I want you to try something out, smile at all the men you find attractive and try saying hello to men who pass you by when you’re walking. You need to make yourself approachable to men. When you practice these tips you will get more men interested in you as well as the rich old men who you think all pretty girls in Iowa will end up with.

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers: It’s an interesting paradox, but the most beautiful people don’t tend to have the most successful relationships. (Think Bennifer – who did she marry? Mark Anthony – not exactly a match in looks for Ben.) I believe this happens for two reasons. 1) Average people are intimidated by beautiful people. 2) Beautiful people have often had things handed to them because of their looks, and don’t develop a lot of empathy or humility – two characteristics that invite love. You are very focused on your looks. I recommend you focus more on the inside and become a compassionate and passionate person, not just a nice one.

The Insightful Dater answers: If you expect that your average Joe may feel you are out of his league, you may be manifesting this response from them without even realizing you are part of the equation. Try to break down any barriers of fear, insecurity or forgone conclusions from your interactions with “average Joes” and relate to them as an interested party. It may be that you need to find someone who is more comfortable with themselves–someone who accepts themselves and knows that they will make a good mate for some lucky gal (not someone who doesn’t know their own worth and would think something as silly as “you’re to good for me.”)

Sorry, wrong number

I never seem to get to a face-to-face meeting. I get a phone number, a couple of phone calls, and an email saying that, “you’ve helped me clarify my feelings,” “I’m returning to old love,” “moving on,” “seeking a soul-mate,” etc. What am I doing wrong? – Carol, Chicago

David Wygant answers: You are doing nothing wrong, dating is all about playing the numbers and right now you are just hitting a streak of bad luck. You need to keep plugging along and meet as many men as possible, that way you will increase your odds of meeting the right person.

I once went through the same streak you were having and it took a lot not to get frustrated with the results, but I kept plugging along and one day it all reversed and I had a great selection of woman who all wanted to date me.

Be patient. Your time is right around the corner.

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers: Well, I don’t have much to go on, here, but I’d say you’re being a counselor instead of a potential relationship. From what you say, I get the impression that you listen to these guys talk about their previous relationships and help them understand themselves better. If you want to be a counselor, get a license and earn a living at it. In your personal life, focus more on the interaction between you and the guy. Ask him about things other than his previous love. Respond to him with information about your interests, and fun things you could do together. Get face-to-face as soon as possible. If he doesn’t make that suggestion, make it yourself. You’re not real to him until you’re in his presence. So suggest, “There’s this lovely little coffee shop, I know. Would you like to meet up there?”

The Insightful Dater answers: Finding a right fit and getting someone to commit to getting to know you can be difficult in this day and age – people have short attention spans and lots of options. I think the best thing you can do is really know what you are after and search (by clicking and emailing as well as with your intuition) for someone who is on the same wavelength. If what you are after is slowing things down, having coffee and enjoying the process of getting to know someone and their diverse interests, then let people know that up front. People like for others to take an interest in them – you just have to get someone to slow down long enough to realize they are interested in that process too.

Instead of bed

I seem to have tried everything (dating services, Internet, etc.), however the guys who ask me out all want to go straight to bed. They lead into it by saying they want to come to my apartment with the understanding that it is to pick me up for a date. How do I get away from the too casual guys and onto something more meaningful? – Maureen, Indianapolis

David Wygant answers: Set the ground rules when you go out on a date. One of the rules is that you want meet at a neutral spot. This way you will have your own car and you will be free to arrive and leave on your own. It also serves to tell the man that you are not easy and they will need to respect you and your space. It’s the easiest way to separate the real men from guys who are looking for a quick score.

Then, if the man calls you back after the first date, tell him again that you want to meet at a neutral spot. This separates the men from the dogs.

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers: Just assume all guys want to go straight to bed. Your objective is to put the meaning in the relationship. Certainly if you don’t know him well, you don’t want him coming to your apartment. Meet him elsewhere – at a restaurant, for example. Better yet, don’t do the restaurant thing. Suggest a museum or a ball game or invite him to brunch with some friends. Give the guy a chance to know you as a person, rather than a sex object. Group dates are great for this, they take the pressure off both of you, and rev up the fun.

The Insightful Dater answers: The key word here is boundaries. You set them, firmly, and you should be able to start avoiding some of the one-track-mind guys. Be mindful that all of your interactions with prospective dates are an opportunity to set the tone and communicate your comfort level and your own expectations. In your online profile, be sure to make your essay clearly state what you are looking for, to avoid any confusion with dates you met through those means.