Written for EliteMate.com
Being Coy Won’t Get The Boy
When I sat down to write my new book, Always Talk to Strangers: Three Simple Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life, I had one thing in mind—to get men and women back on the same page when it came to meeting each other. As a dating agent who actually works with men and women on a daily basis, as opposed the inexperienced authors of chick lit that have become bestsellers, nothing frustrates me more than hearing women talk about the mind games they think they must play to get a man’s attention. Women, let this article serve as a wakeup call. There is no mind game, rule, or trick that can make a man truly fall for you. You’ve been sold a bill of goods!
In famous books like The Rules and He’s Just Not that Into You, the authors espouse the coy technique, i.e., the more you act like you don’t care about a guy, the more he’ll fall for you. Is it true? The answer—a resounding no. So why does this technique seem to work so often? The reason—men are not falling in love with you, they’re falling in love with your unavailability. Most people are attracted to things they can’t have. If someone acts like they don’t need you or want you, or that they are unattainable, suddenly they become a challenge. This is Psychology 101. Think about it. How much would you love the guy you have a crush on if instead of him being a challenge, he was staring at you all day, enamored, completely at your beckon call, worshiping your every word and move. Might be fun for a while, but eventually you’d lose interest in him.
The problem for most women who use the “coy” technique comes when you they can longer keep up the emotionally unavailable charade. At some point they have to let down their guard, be themselves, become vulnerable, and see if the man accepts them for who they are or see if he heads for the door. Most of the time if a man is not ready for a relationship, or a woman is no longer emotionally unavailable, he’s heading for the door.
Contrary to popular belief, men are not one dimensional creatures. Most men don’t simply sit around with their friends grunting and burping like Neanderthals. As a matter of fact, you’d probably be surprised to know that most men talk very openly with their friends about their feelings toward women, about love, and about their emotions. In addition, most men are very aware of their own issues with intimacy and commitment, and most of the time they know when they are ready to confront these issues, and make a go of it with a woman.
Ladies, here is what you need to know, and all ye ever need to know if you’re going to have a meaningful substantive relationship with any man. First, you must have good conversation, must enjoy each other’s company, and must connect on a spiritual and intellectual level. Second, you must have physical attraction. Attraction is subjective and it can’t be forced, no matter what your other dating book says. Third, both of you must be ready to attempt intimacy and commitment with one another. For both men and women, this comes at different times in life. Some people are ready for long term intimacy and commitment at eighteen, some at forty-eight, and some are never capable of it, or are simply not willing to do the work that it takes to achieve it. Fourth, you both must be willing to accept that love is not just about being hot and bothered for one another. In all relationships where two people are both emotionally and physically available to one another, initial feelings of passionate lust eventually wear off. This happens at different times depending on the couple. When this happens, you begin to regain part of your identity and it’s at this point where the real work of a relationship begins. Often, this work is called love.
Stop looking for easy answers to life’s most complex and challenging issues. There is no mind game that will bring you real satisfaction and a lifetime of fulfillment. Instead of trying to figure out ways to manipulate men into loving you, spend time becoming the best person you can be and get proactive with your dating life. Meet as many men as possible until you find a natural meaningful connection with someone who is also willing to make a real attempt at intimacy and commitment. Believe me, they are out there. However, this much I guarantee—as long as you stereotype men and underestimate their intelligence and their complexity, you will never find a meaningful experience with one. And as long as you continue to buy into pop theories of attraction, you will continually be chasing your own tail.