Written for Soulmatch

Dating Q&A #1:

“We’re playing the classic ‘games’ of who-calls-whom”

I’ve just met a woman who I’m interested in, but in these early stages it seems we’re playing the classic “games” of who-calls-whom, etc. Any advice for getting past this stage or do I just have to play? Most women I speak with say they don’t want to play games. I’m not convinced. How do they really want to courted by guys? – Uncertain, Sunnyvale, Calif.

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. answers: It’s confusing. All women don’t feel the same about who pays, who plans, and who opens the door. For starters, play it like a “tennis match.” Lob an invitation in her direction. If you get an enthusiastic response, the game is on and you just have to keep the ball rolling. If her response isn’t exactly enthusiastic, but not a definite “no,” give her some time to think about it. Getting a volley (or simple rapport) going – you take the lead sometimes, she takes the lead other times – is best.

Start traditionally. Ask her out, plan the date, pay the bill, and pay attention to her response. A modern-thinking woman will likely make her feelings known. Be open to them. Perhaps she’ll follow up with an invitation to dinner at her house, or by suggesting the sort of restaurant she likes. Begin with old-fashioned courtesy, then try being a little more relaxed and see how she reacts.

You need to find what both of you enjoy. Pay attention to cues: If you go to a noisy dance place and she’s trying to talk, say “It’s really noisy here, isn’t it?” if she agrees, ask her if she’d like to go somewhere to talk. If, instead, she’s having a great time dancing, keep on bogeying. Then, the next time you call, don’t simply ask her if she had a good time on the date – instead, ask her what she liked best about the time you spent together, and what she’d like to do in the future.

Above all, be as honest as you can, and listen to what she says. And have a great time. If all goes well, you’ll both remember these initial moments forever.

David Wygant answers: It seems like you are a little guilty of playing games while trying to determine if she is playing a game. Stop thinking about who should call whom and pick up the phone and give her a call. The more time you spend worrying about strategy – the more time she has to ponder questions like – does he like me, should I call him, etc.?

Woman love the check-in call and I believe the person who stops trying to find ways to manipulate or strategize the beginnings of relationship will open things up and allow the other person to understand your intentions.

You need to have fun and the minute you decide to have fun and call someone when you feel like it is the minute the games will cease.

The Insightful Dater answers: You aren’t comfortable with “games, ” but you aren’t convinced women don’t want to play them.

Try something outlandish. Be honest and tell her you feel uneasy about how things are going and you aren’t clear about her expectations. (This addresses your concerns over “how” this women wishes to be courted.) Tell her you’re stressed out about when to call or when to talk or what to do, and strategize isn’t your style. Tell her you want to spend more time getting to know her, but the protocol (who calls whom) is a little awkward. Say it really doesn’t matter to you and that you are not sure why you are worried about it (you could even ask her if she is worried about it).

Being honest may either disarm her (relax her and get you past this games stage) or call her on her behavior (in a non-threatening manner) and get her to see you are a straight-up kind of guy who doesn’t play those games.

The best case scenario is that a little honesty will take you past the games stage and on to a level where you can both safely share your time with each other, get to know one another, and set a foundation for trust in your relationship.

There is no right answer about how to court women. You can find out about this girl’s expectations for the early stages of a relationship so you know how to hit your marks. This is also a good time to let her know what your expectations are as well.

Ah! Honesty – so underrated.