Written for Match.com

Grab Her Attention Online

Three tips for better emails

In all my years of coaching men how to succeed in online dating, the one thing that always amazes me is the amount of men who still cut and paste a canned opener and send it to a woman.

Guys: Women know when you cut and paste an email to make initial contact. It shows that you did not read her profile. The first thing she thinks is that you’re lazy and not very clever. Most men who use the shotgun approach don’t receive responses.

So what is a guy to do to succeed in the competitive world of online dating? Here are three steps to take:

1. Spruce up your profile. You need to be different and clever, just like when you approach a woman in a bar or market. What works offline is going to work online. It really is all about having fun. To make your profile rock, instead of saying “I love to travel,” share a story about one of the places you have traveled to. For example: “I love the Italian coast, and when I was in Positano I had the best limoncello in the world. When we speak, ask me about the view.”

Why is this better? Because it will pique women’s interest and it’s something they can ask you about when responding to your profile. You need to create an emotional response so they feel compelled to contact you.

2. Select 10-15 women to email per week. Now that you have spruced up your profile, how do you get her attention and distinguish yourself from all the other guys online? This is the easy part, but it will take some work. Instead of burning through 100 profiles and sending out a shotgun mass email, pick 10 to 15 women at the beginning of the week who you want to get to know. If you do it right, you will get a good response rate and have a few dates that week.

Now comes the work. You need to read through their profiles and find the fun tidbits. The correct online opener is no different than the perfect bar, party or supermarket opener. For example, if both of you have a dog, you can send this kind of email:

Subject: If not for us…our dogs will never be able to meet

My dog is really visual and when she saw a picture of yours her stubby tail could not stop thumping! We need to hook them up, plus I have to get her off Dogdate.com; she is becoming addicted!

Let’s talk about this,


There are a few reasons why this will work, besides the fact that it is original and funny. What you are doing is making fun of yourself here. Men are visual, and you are telling her that your dog is visual, which will get a laugh from her immediately. You want to make her laugh. She is getting all these horrible emails from the cut-and-paste men, and yours arrives with some originality and creativity. It shows that you tried to get to know who she is by reading her profile.

Here’s another example. If her profile says that she is spontaneous and adventurous, challenge her on that:

Subject: So you say…

…that you are adventurous and spontaneous. What was the last adventurous thing you did? And if you are really spontaneous, why don’t you send me your number so we can talk? Five minutes on the phone and we will know if we have chemistry.

Let’s talk today. I dare you.

Women like a man who is bold and challenges her mind. You are also getting to the point and creating intrigue. She will wonder what you are all about.

3. Stick with one dating site. This is by far the best advice. Stop jumping from site to site every two weeks thinking that you are going to get different results. You need to realize that women will check you out and read your profile, but it may take a few emails to get them to respond. They may be dating someone else the first time you contact them, or they may be intrigued but too busy, or maybe you’re getting them on a bad day. I always tell my clients that it’s okay to lob another email a few weeks later. But don’t send the same one – find something new to connect with her about.

It’s all about being persistent. I have found in all my years of advising people on the Internet that the folks who stay on one site are the ones who get the great dates. You need to be patient – some weeks you will have a lot of responses, other weeks not much of anything. But if you use the steps above, you will increase your odds every day.