Written for Match.com

Creating Tension for a Great First Kiss

Good relationships tend to have some element of surprise and the unexpected in them. The key ingredient? Tension.

While it may seem counterproductive, tension actually helps to create a positive environment. Tension is critical in the early stages of a relationship and can be a healthy stepping-stone in establishing a deeper connection down the road. Create tension for your first kiss and you’ll be off to a strong start.

Stormy seas or smooth sailing?

In a new relationship, most men make the mistake of rushing forward like Speedy Gonzales. Inadvertently they end up killing tension. They forget that all the fun and memories are created when you survive a stormy sea. A relationship without tension is like a boat on a placid lake: ultimately it creates a status quo experience, and nobody wants to be plain old status quo.

Imagine a romantic evening at your place over a bottle of wine. If you are like most men, you simply wait for the wine to take effect to see how far things will go. A better approach is to use the evening as an opportunity to create tension, thus establishing a stronger foundation for your future relationship together.

Here is how to play out the scenario to create tension:

You: Lean over to casually play with her hair while talking to her.

Her: She seems not to mind as you continue to talk.

You: Intentionally stop playing with her hair. Wait a minute and start playing with her hair again.

Her: She reacts to this by smiling while you continue to chat.

You: Stop playing with her hair and look into her eyes.

Her: She puts her hand on your leg and starts caressing it.

You: Start playing more intensely with her hair and slowly move in to give her a soft kiss on each cheek. Pull back for a moment to create tension. Then lean in to give her a slow kiss on the lips.

You: Stop kissing her while still playing with her hair. (Note: You are pulling back with the kissing while still moving forward.)

You: Lean in to kiss her again and after a few moments (maybe 30 seconds), you will feel her energy opening up indicated by the pressure of her lips now pressing on yours. The key here is that she is initiating the pressure.

You: Gently pull the pressure off your lips and pull your lips back. This triggers her increasing the pressure.

Be consistently inconsistent

With glasses fogging over, I think you get the idea. The idea is that the constant “push and pull” creates in her the desire of continually wanting more. It amps up the chemistry.

On a deeper level, you are also sending information that you are a patient man who is self-disciplined. Self-disciplined men are more attractive to women because they are more likely to have self-discipline in other areas of life – a necessary trait for success.

Pulling back and pushing forward also has the benefit of sending mixed signals to her nervous system, keeping it from being able to adjust.

The result leaves the receiver feeling wonderful. Remember, one thing you should do when being physical with a women is to be consistently inconsistent. It’s one of the few forms of inconsistency she’ll appreciate