Women Show Your Interest: 4 Reasons Why

November 3, 2008 26 Comments Women Understanding the Opposite Sex

I have a confession as a man that I need to make to all the women: We men are clueless about anything subtle that you do. We really are. You need to be obvious to get our attention.

If you’re familiar with what I teach to women, you know that I tell women over and over again that they need to give men “buying signals” if they want men to approach them. “Buying signals” are things that tell men that you are receptive to their approach, including things like smiling, looking at men, and saying hello to men.

In response to this advice, I have countless women tell me “David, I look at men and smile at men but they still don’t approach me. I don’t think these “buying signals” work.” When I delve deeper into exactly what these women are doing that they are perceiving to be “buying signals,” though, nine times out of ten what they are doing I can guarantee are not being noticed by men at all because what they are doing is not obvious enough.

It comes down to an issue of women not understanding how men are wired. In this article I am going to give some insight on how men are wired and give you ladies four reasons why it’s not only okay for you to show interest to men, but indeed why you need to do so.

1. Men Don’t Pay Attention To Small Details: For any of you who have lived with a man (whether it was a boyfriend, a husband or a brother), this will probably sound familiar. As you leave the house one day, you ask a man to clean up or straighten up a bit while you’re gone. So what does he do? He goes to the sink, puts a few things in the dishwasher . . . and that’s it. Meanwhile there are still dog hair tumbleweeds traveling across the living room floor and laundry piles up to the ceiling. When questioned about those, he inevitably says “I didn’t notice those.”

Men don’t notice small details. They have no idea about the little clues. Men need the obvious. Women need to really understand this, especially when it comes to communicating their interest in men.

2. Understand How Men Interpret Your Subtlety: Women need to realize that it is not only okay, but necessary, that they show men they are interested. So many women I’ve coached will tell me they flirt with men all the time but never get any response. When I ask them what they did that they are calling “flirting,” virtually every one will tell me they “glanced over at him a couple times” or they “smiled at him a couple times quickly” or something similar.

These two second glances and quick smiles simply do not constitute flirting in the eyes of a man. They are simply not obvious enough. When many women go to flirt with a man, they do something they believe to be flirting but which is in reality is something too subtle for that man to notice it. So despite that woman’s interest, the man will leave that situation thinking she didn’t like him.

3. Men Need Women To Be Obvious: When I say that you need to show interest that is obvious, I am not talking about you grabbing a man and sticking your tongue down his throat as you grind up against him. What I mean by showing obvious interest are things like smiling a bit more or touching his arm a little bit when you talk to him. I mean that you need to use your body language to express your interest. Lean in a little when you talk to him. Flirt with him. Laugh at his jokes. Engage him in some deeper conversation.

If you’re interested in a man you meet, don’t wait for him to ask you out or just hope it happens. Say something to him like “I really enjoyed this great conversation. Hopefully we’ll run into each other again someday.” Let him know you’re interested. Not only is it okay to show a man you’re interested, but you should show men you’re interested because you want to be in control of your dating life. If you think about it there are really only two choices: you can either start to show your interest or you can continue to do nothing (or to use subtle gestures which convey the same message as nothing to men).

4. Men Don’t Interpret Obvious Gestures The Way You Think They Do: Every time I address this issue, I get tons of emails from women saying some version of this: “David, I can’t do these things. If I do, men are going to think I’m coming onto them and will just think I want to sleep with them.” Let me address this misperception so we can clear it up once and for all. If you are making out with a guy in his living room, he is going to assume that the two of you are just going to have a make out session in the living room all night long. The only way we men know you want to sleep with us, even in that situation, is if you say “Let’s get naked and go in the bedroom.” Once again, men don’t pick up on subtlety and even on the semi-obvious.

So the fact is that if you like us, it’s okay to show some interest. We are not going to over-think or assume more about it than what it is. If you smile, lean in and touch our arm when you’re talking to us, we’re not going to think we’re going to get to hook-up with you right there and then or that you want to drag us off to bed. All we think is that you like us, that we can ask you out . . . and this could potentially be a relationship. You need to remember this the next time your head is telling you that we’re reading all these other things into everything you do.

So ladies, take control of your dating lives by showing us when you’re interested. Not only is it okay to do that . . . but we men could not be happier when you do.

Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

unknown says

2012-03-07 06:48:41

I like my aunt(she is my wife's mother sister)age 45, her husband 50 years he is smoking and sugar patient. I want sex do my aunt how to approach,Iam going her house, sometimes she is showing her knees and legs self touching,self neck strock etc. please tell this signal what shows? she is interest to do sex or not? What I will do
Reply
not important says

2011-05-28 04:22:43

i personally think it's all about rejection and how it affects us regarding our genders, all the rest of the crap is just a smoke screen to cover up how truly afraid we really are about getting rejected. being social creatures as we are, rejection from our fellow man use to be hazardous to our health back in the day we're we were all relying on each other to survive. to be socially ostracized is a deep seeded fear we all share.so why has socially deem it necessary for men to take the first initial steps? well because we're all been rejected since the dawn of time, we can survive in the wild all by ourselves, woman well! why do you think they have such large networks of friend? any way back to the point! as a man gets rejected! it's just another rejection! as a woman gets rejected! what the first thought going through her mind, "I'm not good looking enough" how do we value each other in out prospective genders then? men are most highly valued according to his skill set! woman according to their youthfully looks! so when a woman get rejected the message she receives is " your useless"! again guys just an observation! cheers.
Reply
Lin says

2010-12-29 08:53:22

I know this is an old blog but found it interesting. Yes, some guys are confident with meeting girls, while others aren't. If it wasn't for my Mum being abit forward with my Dad, I wouldn't be here, he had his nose stuck in a book for the most part. If I hadn't asked my husband out.(I am now a widow) We would never have realised how well suited we were, fallen in love and got married etc. Yes, sometimes as girls need to be abit forward. Men still can be frustrating hehe
Reply
Dunga says

2009-04-12 17:10:54

I'm sorry if my logic escapes youGhidorah, but then again, I suspect so does a lot of people's. For the most part, the woman expects the man to initiate the interaction. Initiate=to lead. You can massage the words, parse them or mentally masturbate all you want. If the guy does not make the first move, he will spend most of his nights alone. Which is what I suspect is the case with you. Unlike you, I have no problem either grasping this concept or putting it to good use in real life. Yes, there are ties where I can tell, by reading a woman's body langauge and such that she wants to be left alone. So I don't bother. But otherwise, I recognize that they are not going to approach me, so if I want to have an interaction with them, I must initiate it. In other words, to take the lead. I have explained it in the simplest terms I can. I've had enough of you. If you don't understand this, as I suspect you won't, I can only conclude that you are immune to logic and reason and and that further efforts to explain will be futile.
Reply
Ghidorah says

2009-04-11 18:31:35

No, Dunga. "Leading" involves things like presiding or being in charge of something. Also, it can be as John Quincy Adams once said, "If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader." Perhaps I should rephrase the last statement in my previous note to "Being the one to do the asking or breaking the ice is not what leading is." When women say something like, "I want a man who is willing to lead.", implying that the guy needs to make the move without any hints, what they are really communicating is that they don't want to take responsibility for their dating life (and probably their life in general). Then they blame men for the life they don't have. The fact of the matter is that women who take no action don't deserve any relationships. This article is terrific and I really thank David for writing it. It clearly shows women not that not only do they need to take action and step outside their comfort zones but also that they do have some control over their dating lives. Well done, David. Also, your bit about the species going extinct is not the least bit logical.
Reply
Dunga says

2009-04-06 16:12:48

Sure it is, Gidorah. Initiating is initiating. Whether the first approach, the first date, or any given step of escalation, the onus is on the man to escalate. If the man waits for the woman to escalate, the escalation does not happen. Taken to its logical conclusion, the species would be extinct within a couple of generations at most. That's fine with me if you want to wait for the woman to initiate/escalate, btw. The less competition I face, the better.
Reply
Ghidorah says

2009-04-05 20:39:22

Tee, one thing I can't stand is a woman who requires the man to make the first move or has similar expectations. Some guys are TERRIFIED of approaching women, some even incapable of persuing as a result. Women need to be more flexible and take some action themselves, as David has so magnificently described. The quality of a man CANNOT be determined by whether or not he makes the first move or how far he is willing to chase. Mr. E, delete your comment. It is dumb. And Dunga, just so you know, initiating a relationship is NOT what "leading" is.
Reply
Sandra says

2009-04-05 18:39:10

I would like to add something to this blog I was told this by a friend men are high maintenance I believe so are us women on the other hand...We think differently in so many ways...When a woman is thinking of love marriage and kids in the man's mind he may not be there yet he might be thinking about hey give me room to think here we are moving too fast...My though on the subject.
Reply
Dunga says

2009-04-05 18:28:55

Boudicca: Unfortunately the guy either does not know how to escalate, does not know he's supposed to, or isn't interested. You can ask him if you want but it is understandable if you don't because a guy like that doesn't do it for you. Guys--Initiate. Lead. As you've heard from Boudicca, she wants you to lead her. You'll never get a better testimonial to that reality.
Reply
Boudicca says

2009-04-03 14:57:49

Oh, there's a guy I really fancy in the British Library... for a long time he's been smiling at me, throwing his arms around me and kissing me on the cheek. It suddenly dawned on me (duh!) that he probably fancies me but though I smiled at him etc he just never takes it further. You say, men can't read women's signals but as a woman I can honestly say that unless I get a direct verbal message: 'would you like to go for a drink?' I can honestly say, men are strange creatures to me too. After reading this though, I'm going to pay more attention. I may even ask if he'd like a coffee - that can't be too brash, can it? You've really got me thinking. Mmmm, no wonder my smiles didn't work
Reply
Mr. E says

2009-01-27 14:52:46

I think my fellow men need to quit whining. They want women to change what has worked for them forever instead of learning the subtleties of women. Most people have female friends. Observe how they flirt and interact. It's not that difficult. One of the major problems with our society is that we males have become content with being ignorant about a great many things. You are not unable to notice these things by nature. You are simply lazy, dense, or downright stupid. The only alternative to those three things is that it has been taught to you that you are supposed to be like that, and I find that idea all the more disgusting. However, I would prefer that the majority of males miss out on these things. It opens up more opportunities for those of us who actually put our brains to use.
Reply
Tee says

2008-11-06 11:07:36

Thanks for the support!!! Tired of wussy guys looking to put their insecurities on women... I'll show my interest but I am not chasing...
Reply
K says

2008-11-06 03:44:45

This is too funny! I should have guessed when a male co-worker who sat next to me turned to me one day and asked point blank, "What do women OUR age want? What are they looking for?" Here's a guy who's got it all going on but had shit-for-luck in the dating department. Who knew? I told him the same things that he does - to find someone they can connect with. I'll take this under advisement and pass it on to my girlfriends. Thanks again, David. P.S. Hey Chris - don't consider her hesitation to be a gutting. Try to look at it as a catch and release exercise. Maybe she wants to get to know you a little better without strings before she tries dating again. Clearly, she is trying to connect with you but is probably feeling uncertain of her judgment when she knows that she's on the rebound.
Reply
lvivnative says

2008-11-05 18:27:35

Tee - Amen!
Reply
Tee says

2008-11-05 17:26:38

I agree showing interest is important but once interest is established and a date is made.... Men really need to step up !!!.. Keep the interest going.. and not with a txt msg every couple of days !!!! The laid back attitude may seem like a good idea but I rather see a guy with some fire... I thought one of the biggest turnoffs is when a woman is too anxious and is picking out china patterns 3 dates in ??? So once you get over the initial date the guy needs to pursue a little.. sorry guys!!! Man up...
Reply
Infinity says

2008-11-05 14:02:40

Khiem - You and I are on the same boat, brother. It needs to be a joint effort to increase availability. And if women just put themselves out there more and try to be a little more obvious, their reward is just as good as ours :) I think the more important part of your statement is that the key is to not come off as needy. Shouldn't matter how you pull it off but that is critical when trying to appear attractive. Being aloof doesn't do it for me.
Reply
lvivnative says

2008-11-05 13:51:31

You know, a woman can show interest all she wants, but if a guy is not interested, he is not interested. End of story. On the other hand, I've seen time and again, if a guy is truly interested, he WILL pursue. If he doesn't, in the words of famous book, he is just not that into you. Chemistry is a funny thing...
Reply
Dunga says

2008-11-04 13:59:27

Susan, Without knowing exactly what you do for a living, says here you've got it backwards. Better to be forward, even aggressive, in your personal life and less so in the workplace. You have less to risk in dso doing.
Reply
Darkpoet3113 says

2008-11-04 12:15:00

"I believe men and women should both put some effort in “coming together” by making themselves more available to each other. This whole “I’m aloof so that I don’t come across needy” has GOT to be the most inadequate mindset ever for successful dating strategy" Khiem, You hit it right the nail right on the head mate! People really need too step it up, and get out of there bubbles, lose the mindset and be more open. especially in this world of Ipods,cellphones and blackberries. cheers, Joe
Reply
Khiem says

2008-11-04 12:10:01

I think it's so funny how women think they are obvious when they are not. I'm not saying that women don't give signs or clues... but their ideas of signs or clues are usually way too subtle for MOST men to notice. However, if men really pay attention, women usually give us plenty of indicators to show their interest. Now, if they could make them even more obvious, I wouldn't be the one to complain :) I believe men and women should both put some effort in "coming together" by making themselves more available to each other. This whole "I'm aloof so that I don't come across needy" has GOT to be the most inadequate mindset ever for successful dating strategy.
Reply
Susan says

2008-11-04 08:04:44

David, I have to say you are right on the money when it comes to what we women are thinking. I THINK I'm being obvious, but I'm not....and I don't want to come off as too "needy" or vunerable. I'm a woman who is accused of being too aggressive in the workplace, so I automatically try and compensate for it everywhere else and not be as forward in my personal life. It's interesting that I feel I need to do it in order to achieve balance! Yikes-how messed up is that?
Reply
Chris says

2008-11-04 00:14:15

Omg ladies please read this blog and put it into practice... we really have no idea ;) I have a strange situation whereby a particular girl i talk to in class seems to flirt with me (or so i thought), she would stare a little longer at me when talking, lean into me when i was talking, laughs at my jokes, always takes the seat next to me, touched me on the arm a couple of times, so i thought... could be a chance here. I asked her out... to which her reply was... 'umm i'm just coming out of something, maybe as friends?' GUTTED. Anyway, not sure where to take things from here, or even whether to just leave it and move on?
Reply
Reynold says

2008-11-03 22:05:19

Mo David is cool and why bust him for getting a point across. Its all about seeing the light and most people are so damm scared of other people that a visual as he states is pretty good. Why did it bug you so much?
Reply
Mo Bounce says

2008-11-03 22:02:09

David, I understand and respect you trying to get your point across that men need some help, but please, don't make us out to be dumbass tools that need our hands held & dicks grabbed just to get the hint! Be cool man.
Reply
Mo Bounce says

2008-11-03 19:45:19

I like the idea here. I meet so many women on a regular basis and usually walk away without their number or anything. I always question myself, did I do enough to keep her interest, and honestly, yes I do. But I don't get much back, some laughs & smiles, but NOTHING else. Some compliments or a subtle touch on the arm, these kind of things I would die for!! I really walk away feeling empty, like I had a 1 sided conversation. I give so much energy, and they take it & walk away without sharing. It's a burn sometimes, but I remember just to be real and not seek reaction. Bottom line: Women need to step it up & share more energy with the good guys!!!
Reply
Infinity says

2008-11-03 16:23:41

There is too much subtlety going on in the "dating game." The fact that guys have to read into such body language and women have to try to make they don't come off as easy can get frustrating. So like David said, I agree with the fact that women should be a little more forward or dare I say, aggressive with their actions. It won't come off as easy and it'll help the guy respond accordingly. Guys in general are just numb to those subtleties. Besides, women that know what they want, are aggressive about it and actually vocalize these messages are undeniably irresistible.
Reply