Why You Shouldn’t Marry Until You’re Forty

July 29, 2007 11 Comments Men Relationship Advice

Marriage in your twenties is for the birds!

I never talk about marriage on this site. Not that I’m against marriage, nor am I commitment phobic. I’ve been married. It lasted three years and one day. It was basically like a lease. At the end she still had low mileage, that “new wife smell,” and she still looked great when I returned her to the dealership. She was like a certified pre-owned Lexus.

Now this is not the part that will offend you – it’s this next part that will get under your skin.

For those of you who got married in your twenties, I think all of you got married too young. Yeah I know: “I want to be a young mommy,” or “I want to be a young dad.” But a young mom and a young dad still have no idea who they are as a person.

If you’re a woman, you really don’t know who you are until you’re thirty. And, sorry guys, but if you’re a man you really don’t know who you are until you’re at least thirty-five to forty. This would make all of you old dads and older moms – not exactly Warren Beatty old but older and, may I add, wiser. Now I could go online and grab you a bunch of statistics about divorce rates and everything else, but why bore you with statistics that you can research on your own.

This would also mean that families would be smaller and the worlds population would slow down to something more manageable. This is not an Al Gore thumping blog post but we are running out of key resources in the world and a few less kids would really help the issue.

From all my years of coaching, I have just found that women don’t really know who they are until they’re thirty. Your twenties are all about finding yourself. And as for men, we’re just way too immature until we’re at least thirty-five to forty.

I’ve recently emailed all the women I’ve dated in my twenties . . . all 700 of them 🙂 I sent them an email that said:

“Thanks for the experience. You were great. I was a self-centered asshole. You met me during my player years and, yes, you were just a notch on the belt. But now that those years are over [my real age you readers will never find out!], I’ve matured into a really good man. Let me know if you’d like to reconnect as a friend or on a deeper level. David”

Now this isn’t some Neil Young or Bruce Springsteen song, nor did I really write this email. And I really don’t think I dated 700 women…I might have, but who knows, and who remembers? The important thing is to embrace what you did and grow from the experiences you had.

But the bottom line here is this: To make a marriage successful, you have to know who you are first. None of this Jerry Maguire ‘you complete me’ crap. Enjoy your twenties. If you’re in your twenties right now, enjoy dating but enjoy the time getting to know yourself more. Also, don’t rush a family and the condominium on wheels (for those of you who don’t know what that is, that’s the overly obnoxious SUV – Yes, I live in California and yes I hate Hummers . . . though I do enjoy an occasional hummer).

So, take the time to get to know yourself before you get in that minivan. Because to have true love, you have to find true love with yourself first. For those of you over thirty who are in a marriage, you know exactly what I’m talking about here.

Just one last thing … I’m all about the biological clock, but can you at least wait until your late twenties to pound out the puppies and get married? Give yourself a few years to get to know who you are as a person. You’ll make a better wife and you’ll make a better lover. Because I’ve got to tell you that there is nothing more fun in bed than a woman over the age of thirty. I tell all my friends that they can have all the women in their twenties. I’m all about the hot sexy cougars.

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Dorothy Badcki says

2013-07-26 15:54:41

I guess if you don't want kids. Or were you so busy building a career to marry earlier.
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says

2010-04-19 09:44:31

I just happened accross this site. This is the stupidist thing I have ever heard in my life. I strongly suspect my response will not be posted as the person that put forth this "wise" peice of advice seems to be quite narcissistic. In fact this person is not even married! In regards to marriage what matters is that you marry THE RIGHT PERSON. PERIOD. The chance of an over fourty woman finding the love of their life is way down due to the fact that there are just fewer and fewer men that want younger and younger women. Maybe this load is trying to set women up for failure? My advice is if you are in an unhappy marriage GET OUT no matter how old you were when you got married. Seems like a lot of you that are unhapy that you got married young also stayed with a creep! That is your own stupidity at any age.
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David says

2007-09-03 20:40:26

Cougars get younger all the time...just like those annoying commercials that 40 is the new 50. If 40 is the new 50 what does that make you when you are 10?? Are you zero?
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m says

2007-09-03 20:38:19

So why do the "cougars" men talk about seem to be getting younger (especially when some of you have finally gotten around to admitting that you don't BEGIN to mature until you're past 40)? First it was women over 50. Then it was women over 40. Now it's women over 30?!?!? I quote Billy Crystal from one of the "City Slickers" movies - "Soon you'll be dating sperm"
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Pei says

2007-08-01 21:09:18

This is a good one. Nobody has ever mentioned something about waiting to get married till you're over 30. Some of the people seem to be rushing into the rat race...just because everyone is getting married and having kids. Personally I agree that I was trying to know myself better when I was in my 20s. I was constantly searching to know my true identity. I'm more comfortable of who I am now than when I was in my 20s. :)
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Desperate Housewife says

2007-07-30 01:12:41

David; I really appreciate this blog and your willingness to be so open and candid. My biggest hope here is that people will take this advice and believe it. Every word is so true. Getting married when you are too young is the biggest mistake you could EVER make. If you look deep within your self, your desire is to have someone who loves you unconditional. You cannot have that at a young age. Miserably married for 24 years and 26 together---take it from me please---life sucks when you make stupid decisions that are going to affect you for that long. Stay single and enjoy it to the fullest. Just read this BLOG about 5 or 6 times over to soak in every word. Hopefully for your happiness---it takes! Thanks David
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Joan says

2007-07-30 00:48:41

Nighty night all. I am actually going to bed before 1:00 am! lol Shoot before 5:00 am Jacob, thank you darlin! Needed a good positive charge today. Talk to you later?! ;)
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Jacob says

2007-07-29 20:41:21

Good evening ladies. Ha Ha Maybe the word marriage scared the guys away? No I am kidding ladies. Marriage can be a good thing, but this blog says it all. You have to know yourself and be stable with you. I would like to be through school and have a home before I tie that knot, if and when I do. Don't quite see that far down the road yet. Joan, your outlook is great when you say there is a positive in everything. I do believe that and I also believe everything happens for a reason;) This weekend has flown by so time to get down to business...study time. Everybody have a good night. I'm out
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Joan says

2007-07-29 15:40:18

David, Damn good blog!!!!! I for one am not offended in the least. I married at 17 and thought I had found my happily ever after. It was more like "happy never afer that!" You are right. You don't know who you are until at least 30. I think it was 34 for me. I remember when I started to change and see reality for what it was. It was the ugliest scenario staring me in the face. I had to decide to continue to be brow beat to a piece of shit, or really do something about it. When I took action, let me tell you ALL HELL broke loose at both ends. Thats ok though. Because of it I am now a strong, happy, humbly sexy, confident, sucessful woman. I love life no matter what happens! There is a positive in everything. You just have to look for it REALLY deep sometimes. David, lol----you are the first man I have heard talk about liking a "hummer" in years. Quite a sinsation isn't it? So I have heard;) Kelly, that is an awesome thing to realize. We as women want a man and need a man for companionship, as well as sexual satisfaction, BUT I too have realized I don't need a man to validate my worth as a woman or human being in general. It is a good feeling.
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Elizabeth says

2007-07-29 15:03:15

David - I am in agreement with you and can certainly get on board with this theory. I think, however, that you are forgetting that the perception of a large percentage of people out there of a woman over thirty who has never been married is that she is more tragic than smart. There are still people who will quote to a single cougar such as myself from that book that was out several years ago, that someone my age has a better chance of getting killed by a terrorist than getting married over the age of thirty. I agree with you . . . I actually think I WOULD be both a better wife and lover at this age than I would have been in my early to mid twenties . . . but it can be difficult to appreciate that when you are barraged with family, friends and acquaintances expressing their concern and condolences over your failure to find a husband ...
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Kelly says

2007-07-29 14:38:21

David you are so very right about not rushing into life's greatest treasure: finding the person with whom you will spend the rest of your life with happily! I was one of those that rushed things and was married at 17. My ex-husband and I were separated within 4 years. With all that said, 11 years after the separation, I am finally ready to settle down and be with someone who wants to be with me, and someone who likes me for me, not just a nice piece of arm candy. However, I have also learned through the years, I do not need a man to live my life. I enjoy my being single, but I really would like someone to come home to (other than the 4 year old).
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