There are a bunch of parents out there that I see on a regular basis who talk in third-person.
Now, let’s talk about this third-person parenting thing, because it’s something that never really resonated with me at all.
Okay, so there’s a school of thought that says in order to get your child to recognize themselves and to recognize who you are, you’ll say things like “mommy is thirsty.”
Now, I get it when a child is one or two years old and needs to know that you’re mommy and daddy is daddy. I mean, I’d kind of think they know that right from the get-go, but I get the word association games. I understand that.
But in West LA, there are a lot of parents who walk around with eight year olds, seven year olds, six year olds who still speak in third-person, like a weird Seinfeld character.
For those of you who remember — and I think a lot of you will, because Seinfeld was such a popular show — there were a lot of these quirky characters and some would do weird things like talk in the third person. Like “The Jimmy” from this episode here:
Yeah, watch that clip and laugh your ass off, but the thing is, people like that exist and they’re everywhere.
So these moms will say, “Mommy is hungry.”
And I look at the seven year old child and think to myself, “good thing she used the word mommy, because after seven years and over 2,300 days on this planet, this kid isn’t quite sure who their parents are yet, so it’s a good thing they were able to talk in weird Seinfeld-like third-person characters.”
I’ve seen — and I swear on my life this is true — I’ve seen people who train their boyfriends to talk in third-person to their kids.
I had lunch one time with a mother and her new boyfriend and their kids. It was fun. I liked these people, and it was amazing to watch. The mother went into third-person weird Seinfeld character by saying “mommy’s getting angry.”
And then the boyfriend chirped in, “Fred is getting angry, too, let’s not let mommy and Fred get angry right now.”
I excused myself from this ridiculous episode of Seinfeld with these freaky, weird third-person talkers.
First off, Fred’s not the father. Who gives a shit if Fred is getting angry?
Fred is mommy’s boyfriend, who should really talk in third-person language by saying, “Listen children, Fred, mommy’s boyfriend, mommy’s fuck buddy, is also getting angry, you need to listen to mommy, because if you don’t listen to mommy, Fred won’t be getting sex tonight.”
Yeah, that’s how my twisted mind works.
That’s how my brain works on this, but I’ve seen it. I’ve gone to the house. Fred will say “Fred’s making dinner for everybody. What do you want Fred to make,” and I’m thinking like “I want Fred to make himself a pair of balls, because Fred doesn’t know how to speak like a normal person because he is going out with third-person mommy.”
It’s like a bad Seinfeld episode.
As a matter of fact, the next time it comes up, I’m just going to whip out my phone I’m going to record it so all of you can listen to it, because it’s fucking weird. Kids know who you are and it’s good to get them to know “I am me” and “I am hungry.”
But if you think about it, children don’t say, “Amy is hungry, Amy is full.” Third-person Seinfeld characters came out through the entire lunch and started saying this weird shit.
“Mommy’s getting full.”
“Fred needs another glass of wine.”
I’m thinking Fred needs more than wine. Fred needs to fucking lithium because he’s hanging out with a crazy person who ought to be saying things like:
“Mommy needs a psychiatrist.”
“Mommy needs to realize kids know who she is now.”
“And mommy needs to realize her kids are not babies anymore.”
You know about your experience with “mommy is talking in third-person.”
“Daddy is a third-person weirdo as well.”
I know sometimes I come across as opinionated, but you know what? I am. Because David is funny.
David is opinionated.
David loves writing about the weirdness of people.
And David likes to look deeper into the psychological issues people are playing out through their children.
David likes to look at things like this because it makes David really understand human nature better, and it helps David become a much better coach for all of you.
This is David signing out. You like my third-person weird Seinfeld character playing David? Hope you did.